I feel better

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 

Here is my story and where I'm at with my healing.

After coming to this board a few short weeks ago... . no... . let me backup.

After a very rocky r/s with my (soon to be) ex-wife, I finally had to throw in the towel.  I knew she had issues, but I honestly thought it was something we could work through - but they got worse and worse.  Although she did eventually get a diagnoses of a PD, it was too late and things were set into motion which the downward spiral couldn't be pulled out of.

We separated - and things got worse, for a while.  Then better... . with NC or LC... . then worse when there was reengagement.  The re-engagement just made the detachment harder and extremely confusing.  During that time it was difficult for me to focus on what I was seeing or hearing or reading - as there were some days I didn't really know up from down.  But I still tried to press on and kick start my new life while shaking off the residue of the old.

I ended up here a few short weeks ago... . it was a time in my life during the past 4 years where I could actually slow down and think.  I had no distractions.  It has been a wonderful few weeks.

Not only did everything finally click... . that I was dealing with a seriously disordered person, but with all the reading I have been doing here - and sharing my stories - I came to realize why I could stay in such an unhealthy bond.  Most of you realize that it most likely had to do with my FOO.  So tracing that back to home, I was able to move forward in time and realize that (practically) every relationship I had been in suffered from the same dynamics I was surrounded with during my growing years.

Left on my own, my home life would not have been chaotic (well... . it would have been, but I'm a creative soul so some of the chaos is what I call fun!) - but there would be no arguments (illogical or irrational) - there would be no needy/clingy one day I love me next day I hate me type things.  I wouldn't devalue myself - nor would I do inappropriate things like cutting, suicide talk, raging, cheating, lying... . all the stuff which makes for a great r/s with a BPD (or any disordered persons for that matter).

Not making the connection, when I got into my long term relationships, it was easy for me to see the conflict, feel the discomfort and even push back, argue back... . try to make sense of it the way I see the world.  Make hundreds of analogies and metaphors and descriptions of what I'm trying to say what I needed to make our world stable.  I just couldn't get why they couldn't get it.

So things fell apart.  Hard!

And I stayed in it because I grew up in it.  I didn't want to leave because of various reasons.  But the bottom line is I stayed.  I put up with the abuse and misery (and caused abuse and misery of my own either by action or inaction.)  Vicious cycles.

At first... . learning what I have learned about BPD... . it all made sense and I could finally understand what was going on.  It was the disorder.  It was my childhood which helped allow me to stay.  It was their fault because at the end of the day they are adults and should be responsible for their actions.  It was my fault for not finding out sooner and helping my loved ones.  It was my fault for taking everything so personal.  It was their fault for making it personal. 

It was all of the above.

In the past few weeks I have been relieved because I finally understand what I was dealing with.  I felt somewhat vindicated and validated by being here and reading all the sharing of what went on with others and that I wasn't alone or going crazy.  I felt angry at the disorder, angry at my s/o (and my mom).  I missed my dad terribly (he passed away a while ago... . ).  I felt like I wanted to reach out to my ex and scream "this is what it is... . and I knew there was a way we could have fixed this".  And I felt like I didn't want to do or say anything because she is going to get a life filled with more drama and misery (and oh boy is her replacement in for a treat).

But that is different today.

Today, I ran across a Youtube video of a few people who have BPD... . and they explain the world as they see it.  They really didn't say anything different than we say here... . and... . they didn't really say anything different than my s/o had said to me over all the time we were together.  Only difference is - they know they have BPD.  During my r/s, she didn't.

Like I said previously, we knew she had some issues (bad childhood, parent died when she was young, other abandonments, hurt, pain, etc) - yes we knew there was depressions and anxiety - and yes I loved her with all my heart and tried my very best to take care of her and our kids.  When it was good, we did a great job.  But the triggers and flare ups and emotional dysregulations took it's toll.

And here I am now having spent the last 18 months detaching from a woman I have loved for almost 20.  Because of an illness I didn't know about. 

Had I seen these videos years ago - had I thought about it and got my wife therapy and a diagnosis and I learned the tools I needed to support her all those years ago, would we still be together?  I don't know.  But I can't and won't beat myself up over it.  I worked with what I knew at the time, and really did do the best I possibly could.

One great thing about this downtime is  - after my intellect was satisfied... . and I could finally lay to rest some childhood traumas (or at least finally see them for what they were giving me the choice on how I will spend my tomorrows)... . I knew it would only be a matter of time before my empathy returned.  Empathy and understanding... . which is another reason why I stayed with her as long as I did.  I did feel her and understand she was lost a long time ago and my heart went out to her and my arms wrapped around her and we tried to make it together.

But, sadly, we would not be able to.  But this doesn't mean I don't feel.

The folks in the videos I saw seemed so real and I understood them because I have lived with them for a great portion of my life.  If I had met one of them today and during first conversations they say they have BPD... . I could be understanding - I could be there for them as a friend, maybe, but, for me, that would be close enough.  I'm not at a point where I'm ready to be in a r/s with someone who knows they have a diagnosis - and I'm somewhat afraid to be in a r/s with someone who doesn't show signs but I'm waiting for a shoe to drop because I don't know what my reactions would be (would I stay and try and work it out or would I just go).

But this isn't about me.  Not really.  I mean, yes, I wish I knew then what I know now or could have come to this while we were still together... . maybe this wouldn't have happened.  But it did.  But like I said, this isn't about me.

It's about my children.

At least two of my children have serious issues.  It's a very long story - but during my first marriage my first ex got custody (initially) and did some horrendous things to keep me away from my kids.  It was brutal.  But I survived that, eventually got back on my feet and got custody of the children.  They joined me and my second wife and we raised them to adulthood.

But, during the time I was away, my first ex put those children through hell.  You name the abuse, it was done to my kids.  And now I'm seeing the same behaviors in two of them I saw in my second wife. At first I thought it was just teen rebellion... . but now I'm convinced there is something else going on with them.

I'm no longer mad, or angry because of the demise of my second marriage, or even angry with the disorder.  It happens.

But, as I said, after my intellect was satisfied, my heart could come back on line - and I love my children more than anyone could possibly know. I may not have been armed with the information I needed to save my r/s with my s/o --but I have what I need to start to help my children so they don't have to live a life of misery.

Not sure what my next steps are... . but I am their dad.  It is my job.  And I love my job!

I'll probably be posting in the family section from now on. 

Thank you all for being here.  I can not tell you how much this board means to me.

Where ever you are in your own recover and re-development, please know it is worth it to focus on yourself for a while.  There is nothing wrong with being selfish in taking care of you.  you are the only you you have. 

Make it a good you.  You deserve it.

[woodsposse]

 

Here is my story and where I'm at with my healing.

After coming to this board a few short weeks ago... . no... . let me backup.

After a very rocky r/s with my (soon to be) ex-wife, I finally had to throw in the towel.  I knew she had issues, but I honestly thought it was something we could work through - but they got worse and worse.  Although she did eventually get a diagnoses of a PD, it was too late and things were set into motion which the downward spiral couldn't be pulled out of.

We separated - and things got worse, for a while.  Then better... . with NC or LC... . then worse when there was reengagement.  The re-engagement just made the detachment harder and extremely confusing.  During that time it was difficult for me to focus on what I was seeing or hearing or reading - as there were some days I didn't really know up from down.  But I still tried to press on and kick start my new life while shaking off the residue of the old.

I ended up here a few short weeks ago... . it was a time in my life during the past 4 years where I could actually slow down and think.  I had no distractions.  It has been a wonderful few weeks.

Not only did everything finally click... . that I was dealing with a seriously disordered person, but with all the reading I have been doing here - and sharing my stories - I came to realize why I could stay in such an unhealthy bond.  Most of you realize that it most likely had to do with my FOO.  So tracing that back to home, I was able to move forward in time and realize that (practically) every relationship I had been in suffered from the same dynamics I was surrounded with during my growing years.

Left on my own, my home life would not have been chaotic (well... . it would have been, but I'm a creative soul so some of the chaos is what I call fun!) - but there would be no arguments (illogical or irrational) - there would be no needy/clingy one day I love me next day I hate me type things.  I wouldn't devalue myself - nor would I do inappropriate things like cutting, suicide talk, raging, cheating, lying... . all the stuff which makes for a great r/s with a BPD (or any disordered persons for that matter).

Not making the connection, when I got into my long term relationships, it was easy for me to see the conflict, feel the discomfort and even push back, argue back... . try to make sense of it the way I see the world.  Make hundreds of analogies and metaphors and descriptions of what I'm trying to say what I needed to make our world stable.  I just couldn't get why they couldn't get it.

So things fell apart.  Hard!

And I stayed in it because I grew up in it.  I didn't want to leave because of various reasons.  But the bottom line is I stayed.  I put up with the abuse and misery (and caused abuse and misery of my own either by action or inaction.)  Vicious cycles.

At first... . learning what I have learned about BPD... . it all made sense and I could finally understand what was going on.  It was the disorder.  It was my childhood which helped allow me to stay.  It was their fault because at the end of the day they are adults and should be responsible for their actions.  It was my fault for not finding out sooner and helping my loved ones.  It was my fault for taking everything so personal.  It was their fault for making it personal. 

It was all of the above.

In the past few weeks I have been relieved because I finally understand what I was dealing with.  I felt somewhat vindicated and validated by being here and reading all the sharing of what went on with others and that I wasn't alone or going crazy.  I felt angry at the disorder, angry at my s/o (and my mom).  I missed my dad terribly (he passed away a while ago... . ).  I felt like I wanted to reach out to my ex and scream "this is what it is... . and I knew there was a way we could have fixed this".  And I felt like I didn't want to do or say anything because she is going to get a life filled with more drama and misery (and oh boy is her replacement in for a treat).

But that is different today.

Today, I ran across a Youtube video of a few people who have BPD... . and they explain the world as they see it.  They really didn't say anything different than we say here... . and... . they didn't really say anything different than my s/o had said to me over all the time we were together.  Only difference is - they know they have BPD.  During my r/s, she didn't.

Like I said previously, we knew she had some issues (bad childhood, parent died when she was young, other abandonments, hurt, pain, etc) - yes we knew there was depressions and anxiety - and yes I loved her with all my heart and tried my very best to take care of her and our kids.  When it was good, we did a great job.  But the triggers and flare ups and emotional dysregulations took it's toll.

And here I am now having spent the last 18 months detaching from a woman I have loved for almost 20.  Because of an illness I didn't know about. 

Had I seen these videos years ago - had I thought about it and got my wife therapy and a diagnosis and I learned the tools I needed to support her all those years ago, would we still be together?  I don't know.  But I can't and won't beat myself up over it.  I worked with what I knew at the time, and really did do the best I possibly could.

One great thing about this downtime is  - after my intellect was satisfied... . and I could finally lay to rest some childhood traumas (or at least finally see them for what they were giving me the choice on how I will spend my tomorrows)... . I knew it would only be a matter of time before my empathy returned.  Empathy and understanding... . which is another reason why I stayed with her as long as I did.  I did feel her and understand she was lost a long time ago and my heart went out to her and my arms wrapped around her and we tried to make it together.

But, sadly, we would not be able to.  But this doesn't mean I don't feel.

The folks in the videos I saw seemed so real and I understood them because I have lived with them for a great portion of my life.  If I had met one of them today and during first conversations they say they have BPD... . I could be understanding - I could be there for them as a friend, maybe, but, for me, that would be close enough.  I'm not at a point where I'm ready to be in a r/s with someone who knows they have a diagnosis - and I'm somewhat afraid to be in a r/s with someone who doesn't show signs but I'm waiting for a shoe to drop because I don't know what my reactions would be (would I stay and try and work it out or would I just go).

But this isn't about me.  Not really.  I mean, yes, I wish I knew then what I know now or could have come to this while we were still together... . maybe this wouldn't have happened.  But it did.  But like I said, this isn't about me.

It's about my children.

At least two of my children have serious issues.  It's a very long story - but during my first marriage my first ex got custody (initially) and did some horrendous things to keep me away from my kids.  It was brutal.  But I survived that, eventually got back on my feet and got custody of the children.  They joined me and my second wife and we raised them to adulthood.

But, during the time I was away, my first ex put those children through hell.  You name the abuse, it was done to my kids.  And now I'm seeing the same behaviors in two of them I saw in my second wife. At first I thought it was just teen rebellion... . but now I'm convinced there is something else going on with them.

I'm no longer mad, or angry because of the demise of my second marriage, or even angry with the disorder.  It happens.

But, as I said, after my intellect was satisfied, my heart could come back on line - and I love my children more than anyone could possibly know. I may not have been armed with the information I needed to save my r/s with my s/o --but I have what I need to start to help my children so they don't have to live a life of misery.

Not sure what my next steps are... . but I am their dad.  It is my job.  And I love my job!

I'll probably be posting in the family section from now on. 

Thank you all for being here.  I can not tell you how much this board means to me.

Where ever you are in your own recover and re-development, please know it is worth it to focus on yourself for a while.  There is nothing wrong with being selfish in taking care of you.  you are the only you you have. 

Make it a good you.  You deserve it.

[arn131arn]

Woods you are definitely in my posse!

WOW! You done it, bro.

I truly believe it's all about coming to a place of truth where compassion becomes inevitable.

I can't express how better my life gets every damn day by this new revelation of compassion, kindness, empathetic, and understanding man. But it's not just towards my son's mother, but to everyone about me. There's a goofy girl in one of my study groups, she's young, asks too many questions, wants to socialize and not work, has food in her braces, really drove me nuts at the beginning of the semester. She got a 43 on the first electrical engineering test.

I made a vow that I wasn't leaving her behind, that she wasn't going to take this course in the summer like she said when she was balling her eyes out (maybe the white knight in me still). The fact of the matter is, my truth is that I wouldn't have cared about this girl, if I was still with my ex, I wouldn't have noticed her pain and need.

So, I go out of my way to help her, keep her focused and do what I can to help her succeed. Why? It's the same reason your empathy returned to you recently... . it's the same reason I can look people in the eye now, and know what they need, to really be "there" for my son, to let the guy into traffic

It's who we forgot we always were, bro.

Take care and keep moving.