Living away from my mother feels amazing but I'm hurting my little sister

[zubizou87]

Hey guys

I just wanted to write a post about responsibility towards younger siblings still living at home.

I have an almost teenage little sister who is living by herself with my BPD mother and i do have quite protective maternal feelings towards her.

I've tried to see her and provide for her as much as possible while working abroad, studying and travelling. Since I've learnt about BPD I've spent a lot less time in my mothers house. If I do visit her I don't tend to spend longer than about three or four days there (even that is pretty horrible.)

So my sister is really too young to understand about BPD and even if I did tell her my mother might find out, accuse me of being a saboteur and limiting contact. I feel like it's my responsibility to show my sister an example of independence so she will go out into the world and not let mum tie her down.

So I'm making a transition this summer from a job in the Middle east to a job in Europe (not the same country as my family but close.) My sister is confused that I am going on a short holiday and then moving into my apartment without staying with the family, I think she takes it very personally and thinks I'm rejecting her. She will be staying with me for two whole weeks in my apartment but she wants me to spend time with her on her home turf which I hate doing (my mum always infantises us and makes us sleep in the same bed it's really yuck.)

I think she is really picking up on the fact that I don't enjoy spending time with my mother and I'm running out of excuses, how do I maintain a relationship with my sister and empower her to be her own person without my mother smelling danger and starting world war three to make us estranged?

[Up In the Air]

Hi there, Zubizou87!

This is tough! I think the best thing for you to do is be very honest about how you feel and what you're trying to accomplish in your relationship with your sister. Since it is so important for you to show your sister what healthy independence is like, I think telling her about it is probably the best bet.

I understand your hesitation about telling her all about the BPD. Perhaps, just talking with her and letting her know that you love and care for her deeply, that it's so important for you to be a role model she can look up to, that she is so important to you, and that you love every second with her will help get the message across. Maybe saying something like, "Look, I know I'm not home a lot when I have the chance. I've had to distance myself from mom because of ... . fill in the blank (she doesn't have to know details, especially if you are afraid she might say something to your mom)... . and I just don't feel comfortable staying in the house. I haven't explained the relationship issues between her and I to you because I don't want you to feel responsible or in the middle and that's why I'm talking with you about this now."

Perhaps let her know that you'd prefer to keep this conversation between just the two of you? Letting her know you are available to talk on the phone or email, whatever, that you are there for her and adore her will make her feel supported for whatever things are going on in her young life.

[AsianSon]

I agree with the comments from Up In the Air, and suggest you consider the following. 

You don't mention the age of your sister, but perhaps you can skip the BPD label and just present it to her as how you've noticed certain behaviors from your mother and that you are trying to deal with them in certain ways.  You can use this to help confirm the behaviors with your sister (see if they are happening to her as well) and so have an ongoing communication with her. 

And if you are picking up suggestions from this website, you can of course pass them on to your sister as things to try. 

None of this needs the BPD label.  It is just behaviors and how to react (or not react) to them.

[Claire]

Hi zubizou87,

There is SO much I identify with in your post. I'm a "grown" daughter of a uBPD mom and I have a teenage sister still at home. So I think I can identify with your maternal/protective feelings toward your younger sister as well as the trying to distance yourself and figure out your own life.  Having a little sibling at home can make it very difficult to create the boundaries needed with our mom because of the ramifications it has on that little person. For me, this is one of the very most difficult things about dealing with my own relationship with my mom.  2 things stuck out to me in what you said:

So my sister is really too young to understand about BPD and even if I did tell her my mother might find out, accuse me of being a saboteur and limiting contact. I feel like it's my responsibility to show my sister an example of independence so she will go out into the world and not let mum tie her down.

I think she is really picking up on the fact that I don't enjoy spending time with my mother and I'm running out of excuses, how do I maintain a relationship with my sister and empower her to be her own person without my mother smelling danger and starting world war three to make us estranged?

Yes, it's complicated, and BPD mothers can inflict a lot of damage on others' relationships. I want to encourage you to focus on doing what is right for you and your relationship with your mom. You say you feel like it's your responsibility to ... . and I totally hear you. But what I've found really freeing is to realize that my sister is actually not my responsibility. I love her and I tell her I'm there for her (though mom has brainwashed her to think that I don't love her... . )  Yet ultimately, I cannot control what my little sister becomes. I cannot prevent the emotional damage that has already been done.  This is a very sad and sobering truth that I have to let sink in, and even grieve over.

What is best for me is to focus on me becoming the healthiest person I can become and letting my little sister know that she can always talk to me.  Some day, when she starts to understand mom's BPD, I hope she'll come to me, and that I will be a part of her healing and becoming an independent, healthy adult. But I have to realize that I can't be everything to her - I can't be her therapist and her mother - just her sister who loves her and can understand deeply what she's going through.

Hugs to you and that sweet little sis of yours 

[Claire]

In terms an actual conversation with your sister, I try to focus on "I'm an adult and this is how I choose to relate to mom, and it has nothing to do with my relationship with you. I understand you'd prefer if I'm at home, but I am an adult and this other place is now my home... . "

I try to keep focused on my sister and her relationship with me, or her relationship with mom if something has come up that there is tension about. When I do go home and mom and sis have a fight, sometimes I've had good conversations with my sis about how to better relate to mom. Though some of it's just her being a teenager ;-)

Obviously I don't claim to be an expert, just someone who's in a similar situation and desperately trying to do the right thing for all involved and wanting to support others like you as well... .

[P.F.Change]

Hi, zubizou87!

I think a lot of us have had the same concerns. I was the older sibling and left home when my sister was still in junior high. I did feel responsible for her in many ways, and we have both felt I was often more of a mother to her than our actual mother knew how to be. It was a bit of an unbalanced dynamic, still I think we are both glad I was able to provide some support.

I feel like it's my responsibility to show my sister an example of independence so she will go out into the world and not let mum tie her down.

I think this is healthy way to look at things. It is good that you are able to take care of yourself and see that as a positive model for your sister to follow. A lot of times, older siblings feel a need to rescue their siblings--I did--and I think it may be healthier to be able to stay detached as you seem to be.

I think she is really picking up on the fact that I don't enjoy spending time with my mother and I'm running out of excuses, how do I maintain a relationship with my sister and empower her to be her own person without my mother smelling danger and starting world war three to make us estranged?

I like the suggestions that you've been given so far. Your sister sounds old enough to hear the truth rather than excuses... . as AsianSon said, you don't have to explain anything about your mother, just say how you feel. For example perhaps something like, "I don't like the way I feel when I stay in mom's house, so even though I really like you and want to spend time with you, it's better for me to stay somewhere else." You might use SET to validate what your sister is feeling.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[zubizou87]

Hey Guys

Thank you so much for all of your advice, it's really nice to know that there are others out there with vulnerable younger siblings that they feel responsible for. You've given me some very sage guidance and I especially like what Claire said about how I don't have much control and I should just realise she is not my responsibility. I hope with every fibre of my being that one day when she is a teenager or older she will come to me and I can pass on my knowledge of BPD and all the reading material that has helped me.

I particularly appreciate the advice because I also know that my mother is going to use my sister as a trap to lure me back into having a relationship with her. Even though my sister is twelve she is still infantizing her and doubting her ability to travel by herself or spend time away from her. Any time I spend with my sister will inevitably lead to having to spend some time with my mother, she will enforce that and the anticipation of seeing my mum gives me so much anxiety it's awful!

I really appreciate your advice and I agree the best thing is to live my own life and hope it will inspire my sister to break away and do the same.