The highest of highs and the lowest of lows...

[cali5]

I have been with someone for the past 2 years.   Well right now we are broken up.  The week of valentines day she sent me a text saying that she decided that we are not meant to be and that I should respect her decision and not contact her.  This is probably her 10+ time to push/pull.  However, this is the first time that she said please respect her decision and not respond.   Well I have not.  I deleted her number, and unconnected from her on LinkedIn.   Last weekend I received a text from her basically checking in- saying she hopes I am doing well and that I am enjoying the area (I moved to her city 8 months ago).  I deleted the text right away and didn't respond.   Its amazing how one text from her is a like a lightening bolt of emotions.   I just returned from a weekend trip to the city I am from- was with a lot of family- and it was so difficult to just say that we are broken up.  I haven't told them what she is dealing with, as they will not understand or do not have the time to understand.   Every time someone asks me a question about her, it brings back a flood of emotions.   The time I spent with her were truly the highest of highs in my life.   However, when she pushed/pulled, brought me the lowest of lows.  The rollercoaster that I was on was exhausting.   People ask me now, if I will ever get back with her.   In my mind the only way I will speak to her again is if she were to call me up (not text or email) and offer to get together and provide an update into how she is doing- to tell me she has made progress and that she realizes what she put me through was not good.  I know that the likelihood of this happening is probably slim.  Part of me even thinks that she will just get back together with her ex-husband, or at least try.   Perhaps through counseling, she learned that her previous marriage was not as bad as she thought and that she had more to do with the destruction of it versus her ex as she lead me to believe.  I do love her to the depth of my soul.  I am trying to move on, but I am finding it extremely difficult.

[DiamondSW]

Hi Cali5

I'm so sorry about this and totally understand what you're going through as i've been there myself with my BPDexgf and it truly is exhausting and demoralising. 

I'm afraid it's classic BPD and you have been v strong to distance yourself.  In many ways, well, all ways, you have done the right thing because to stay around and be in her space woulld constitute 'engulfment' and then you really would face a barrage and get hurt... . with no way back.

All I can say is give it time and try to live your life.  She may come back, she may not, but if she does, things wont be the same again as you may be in the devaluation stage where from her eyes there's no turing back, or you may have 'grown' yourself and realised that she's no good for you.  I dearly hope it's the second one. 

I loved my exgf loads, but she really did try everything to damage me in the end -it wasn't 'her' rather it was her disorder on full tilt.  I'm now 5mths NC and finally moving on with my life, although I still think of her every day and wonder how she is -she's 30mins from here, nothing. 

One thing I do know though -The PUSH/PULL of a BPD relationship is hopeless, GUARANTEED failure, just a matter of TIME. Until that's under control, she can't be with anyone at all.  She may try, but it will fail pretty quickly.  She needs a psychiatrist and time alone to heal -then maybe, and just maybe, you may get 'back' the woman you fell in love with -although never the same as a lover, but maybe as a friend or someone who matters in your life and you're not afarid of...  

[goldylamont]

whenever i hear about a pwBPD first saying they don't want you around and to stop contacting them, then they start contacting you and dangling carrots as if they still have feelings for you -- this is just a game. that translates into this: she's seeing another guy, she's not lonely and has no need for you, so go away. but then she may "miss" you, and/or wants to punish the guy she's currently with because he is a horrible piece of poo, so all the sudden you are shiny and worthy of her time so she calls you back.

i can't say for sure there is another man involved. but really pwBPD aren't going to be alone. if it was valentines day and she wasn't interested in hearing from you it was because she already had something else lined up. when you can see the game for what it is it's easier to stay NC or to not believe the lies when they start acting like they truly care about you.

rule of thumb after you breakup with xBPD -- if she's cold and distant it's because she's with another guy and doesn't need or want you at the moment. if she's acting as if she cares about you it's because she's tired of the other men in her life, or they have tired of her. understanding this dynamic helped me to not take her seriously when she contacted me -- we all deserve more than what they are offering.

[cali5]

Thanks for your insights.  It definitely helps to receive additional strength from you all.   Every day I always wonder how could someone that wanted marriage, kids, a future one day, totally turn cold the next day like none of the positives ever existed.   It definitely feels like I was scammed.  I feel like she really needs to give me my heart back.  I was so there for her through everything, to my own detriment.  I gave this girl the world.  Literally.   The least she could have done was treat me like a human being at the end versus literally like a lab rat.  I wonder if she feels any remorse at all for what she dragged me through.  For having me move away from family and friends to her city, where I am now building my own identity (even though my work knows the reason why I moved here was for her).   I really think what I am missing is closure at this point as I don't think I could ever trust her.  After dealing with the push/pull over 15 times -  I am talking serious stuff, leaving Europe after 3 days on a 9 day vacation, leaving cali after day 1 on a 3 day trip, after weekend getaways, after driving 6 hours to visit her for a few days.  I fell for the story  all the time that she missed her 3 year old daughter and that she was still getting over the emotions of her previous divorce.  It was always my fault, that I needed to be more understanding, give space, etc.   In my mind, I began to always think that her ex was trying to get back together with her, even though she originally told me how bad of a person he was.   It felt like over time, her hatred for him shifted over to me and then he became the knight in shining armor.  I still have the emails where she communicated to me how bad of a man he was.   The issues she had with me included leaving toothpaste in the sink and not being super clean around the house.  I laugh it now.  I treated her like a princess.  I never gave up on her.  Supported her through everything.   

How have you all been able to obtain closure to be able to move on?

[goldylamont]

How have you all been able to obtain closure to be able to move on?

No, at least not in the sense of how most people would use the term "closure". You *will* be able to move on. And you will also find your own type of closure. Just understand that this closure has nothing to do with her, unfortunately. In a normal r/s that ends, both parties may take part in healthy closure but this is rare from most experiences here. I did have some positive talks with my ex post breakup which I am thankful for, however her motives quickly changed from respect/understanding to selfishness/dishonesty.

I think the healthiest thing to do would be to redefine closure, and exclude all parts of this from anything she has to say or whatever we may wish they could feel. best wishes to you cali5 

[goldylamont]

also cali5, part of my closure and what assists me in staying out of her life is understanding her patterns and my actual meaning to her now. you mentioned she devalued her ex when she was with you, but somehow managed to keep in touch with him and recycle after you broke up? (sorry i'm not sure if the recycle actually happened or if she only put him back up on a pedestal). just know that this is one of the most common patterns that all of us have been through. and realizing that we are just another notch on the belt really of this cycle -- so rest assured you are probably being devalued and smeared to the next guy... . and eventually he will have his turn. recycle, repeat.

understanding this pattern and my role allowed me to extricate myself from the situation. i refuse to be a boy toy to a little girl who wants to use me to hurt whoever she's currently with. they will act like you are so great, and this will boost your ego for a bit and you could recycle for a while, but really then you're just participating in her cycle of abuse to other men--her being dishonest with the guy she's with, with you and with herself. don't allow her to try and control you using your hurt soul or your vanity, the other partners in her life don't deserve to be abused as well...

[Pecator]

Cali5 have you been reading my emails?

"totally turn cold the next day like none of the positives ever existed."

  "The least she could have done was treat me like a human being at the end versus literally like a lab rat."

I stayed where I was while it took a year to get a job just to keep the family together.

I used all of this to get some closure before I found these boards. Goldy is right. Redefine closure.

I don't know if this is a part of your story or not, but my final hook that keeps me from changing "undecided" to "leaving" is wondering if my struggle to settle here was a trigger that no longer exists.

We never had a chance to develop our relationship without that struggle. Now I am settled, maybe it could work.

Thanks to the folks around here, my head is very clear what the answer is. I am spending a lot of time reading and hoping my heart will come around before she breaks NC

[cali5]

Feeling stronger day by day.  Still have moments of weakness, but I have not contacted her in 5 weeks.  She reached out to me 3 weeks ago via text and i did not respond.

Anyway, the latest thoughts I have had center around the fact that she was abandoned by her father when she was younger, and I remember when we first met her telling me this.  I constantly through out our relationship reassured her that I loved her and was not going anywhere.  Funny how after we have a so called great relationship, she is the one that abandoned me.   Hopefully this makes her feel better about herself in her life going forward. Its not our life anymore.   Will she feel any remorse in the future for what she did to us?  The times I feel like emailing her and letting her know what she did, I stop myself and think, I would rather have her think about it on her own.  But then again, I think she would think that letting me go was a positive, that she was doing something to help me (which is true).  I dont think that I would have been able to let her go, so right now I am glad she was the one that pulled the final trigger and I have been strong enough to go NC for the first time ever.