Trying to Explain to Sibling

[dragngrany]

I am new, and honestly lately I haven't had much time to do the reading I would like. Probably mostly just need to sound off and see if anyone has had something similar. My 22 yo son was recently diagnoses with BPD. He is in a major transition time right now - recently separated from the military (including 1 year infantry in Afghanistan) and spending 4 months doing the drug/party thing. He has PTSD and now diagnosed with BPD. He is staying with my mother who lives close to the VA hospital where he is receiving some treatment.

To give them both a break, I've been having him come visit on weekends (3 so far). He's been helping me with projects around the house, and has enjoyed going to church with me. It's easier for me because 1) I understand a little about what he's dealing with and 2) I know he goes back home on Sunday evening.

His younger brother, 19,  who has been the only child at home for the last 5 years, is having difficulty. My DS has a hard time leaving him alone. DS wants to do things with his brother, looks into his room all the time to see what he's doing, and continues to harrass him along the lines of their relationship 5 years ago when they were sharing a room.

Of course, my youngest son is more mature in a lot of ways, and certainly is no longer the baby brother victim of before. I tried explaining things to my 19 year old, but everytime his space is infringed upon I get a text "I thought you talked to him". Of course I talked to my DS, but how can I help both my DS and 19 yo?

I also confess, that after all the frustration with the partying, depressed, unhappy person my DS was, I am enjoying this person who is more positive and companionable (with me, anyways!) He has turned a corner and I am enjoying this time with him. When he comes to stay with us, he does what he’s asked (except for harassing his brother), he stays pretty much positive, and hasn’t acted out. After the past 5 years with all the ups and downs, and knowing something was wrong without being able to figure out what, these last weekends have been a gift from God to me. We have spent some really good time together, talking, working on jobs that have needed to be done, just being together.

19 yo is at that stage of life where he is in school, working, has a girlfriend, and he loves Mom, but he’s got stuff to do, and he certainly doesn’t want to be annoyed by the PITA brother who has make Mom a basket case in the past few months.

Oh dear, what a ramble this has become.  Like I said, mostly just want to get this off my chest, but any feedback is appreciated.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trytrytry]

Dear dragngrany,

I'm happy for the progress your DS22 seems to have made with you- I can relate to the sibling difficulty.  My ndBPD28 daughter made life way uncomfortable for her younger sister.  She wanted to be close (they were close as children), but she was too out of control, angry and unpredictable for anyone to want to spend time with her.  I began talking to my youngest as she became a young adult about her sisters illness-She will not live with her, and moved an hour away, however, she is starting to understand that it is a mental illness, not a personal attack.  I've made it a point to not talk to her about her sister-Our conversations are about her and me - we leave her sister out of it.

Best wishes,

It's some kind of balancing act we do!

[griz]

Dear dragngrany:

I am happy how things are working for yourself and your DD22.  My younger daughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was 15.  My older daughter is 5 years older and although things have improved greatly over the past few years their relationship is not what I would hoped for.  My older daughter was very supportive in the beginning but she has watched what  this has done to everyone in our family and how it has also effected herself and although she understands it,  I know that she is bitter in many ways.  For me this has been part of the collateral damage of BPD.  My older daughter and I was so close all of her life.  Hard as I tried to be present for both of my children equally I know that alot of my energy went into helping DD. I know she is resentful about this and it only comes out when she is angry about something.   My older daughter is living home now after graduating college so we are all together.  I try to make time just for her and I.  I don't know that her feelings of being resentful will every go away, my guess is probably not all I can do is acknowledge it and do the best I can. 

It makes me very sad because my relationship with my older daughter and myself is no longer the same.  I miss it terribly and I don't know how I could have done anything differently.  She has a boyfriend who's mother just loves her and it feels like she enjoys spending time with her more than me. I pray someday I will get her back the way it once was.

Griz

[jellibeans]

Dear dragngrany

Could it be as simply as organizing a family outing or activity? Your 19yo is busy but a meal out or a movie might be a stepping stone for the both of them to work on their relationship... . are their any activities that the two boy use to do together? fishing etc? I think looking for something like this might give them a chance to reconnect.

[dragngrany]

Thank you for all of your suggestions. Most of the time they seem to get along, but when 19yo wants some alone time in his room with the door closed, DS doesn't seem to get it. Apparently one night he kept opening the door every 5-10 minutes to see with his brother was doing (which was trying to sleep). Is that part of BPD?

I've told DS several times, "let your brother have his space." And I get, "I will" or "I do" or "He's a weiner". Hopefully 19yo and I will get some more time to talk about this in the next couple of weeks.

I am certain that as things move forward, there will be tough times with my DS. I know that my mother is bearing the brunt of the acting out since she really has to impose boundaries more than I do when he visits.

Should I feel guilty because I'm enjoying some quality, positive time with my DS even though my 19yo has to suffer through what appears to be mild inconveniences? I have been through 5 years of his being on his own, then in the army. The first year in Alaska wasn't that bad for me, but the year in Afghanistan was difficult, and the last year in the arrmy was horrible, knowing he was 4000 miles away, using drugs, 2-3 suicide attempts, then 4 more months of the same with him in the next town, and knowing that the best thing I could do was wait for him to reach bottom. These last 3 weekends have been gifts from God, of reconnecting, sharing, listening, and strengthening our relationship.

Meanwhile, 19yo has had basically my undivided attention for 5 years, constant support and encouragement as he went through high school. I tried hard to keep my worries for my DS to myself and only share when I felt it was necessary. Wow, I just looked back at what I said, about "minor inconveniences". That was wrong of me.

OK, I think I need to take some time to aplogize to 19yo and talk to him. I also need to set better boundaries for DS when he visits, and make sure that he respects them. It is ok to really stand up for 19yo even if it cracks the rose colored glasses.

Does anyone else find themselves answering their own issues as they share here?

Thank you.

[jellibeans]

My dd often will try to interact with my older daughter 19 and it will look something like that... . opening her door etc... . I think is where you can see her struggle with social situations... . she wants to be with her sister but she doesn't know how to suggest an activity... . I they really could use some guidance and support.

As far as finding my own answers... . I am not sure that happens to me but posting does help me think through the problem and I always look forward to what other people think and their suggestions. I don't always agree but more times than not I do take what they say to heart... . there is nothing like having that kind of perspective... . that is something I struggle with at times... . is taking a step back and distancing myself from the problem and taking the emotion out... .

Here is a link I liked a lot... . it talks about being the victim... . I found myself in this role at times and I realized it was not helping me at all... .

US: as victims