I WISH he had a replacement lined up

[chillamom]

Hi, all, from what I can see, there is a lot of discussion on the board about exBPD partners who had a "replacement" lined up immediately after (or even during) a relationship.  I have b/u with my exBPDbf for about a month (with one brief and disastrous meeting) and he continues to bombard me with texts, emails, and phone calls begging me to come back, telling me he wants to be "best friends", "friends with benefits", get married, essentially whatever he can get.   As far as I can tell, he has put no effort into finding another gf (I don't think he could because he is spending 99% of his waking hours contacting me, to the point where I have to leave my phone off for most of the day and night so I can have some peace).  So I don't think he's typical in this respect….my question is….I was trying to do NC or at least very LC, because my T told me that complete NC might enrage him more and lead to truly unpleasant in-person confrontations (he has never been physically abusive, but has been emotionally and verbally abusive in the extreme).  I don't want to hurt him any more than he has been hurt, and I vacillate between two points of view:1) keep very low LC and talk to him once in a while when he contacts me, and 2) NC to the max.  I'm pretty sure I want option 2 (with the usually misgivings, missing him and such that one has to deal with) but in your eyes, what is best for him?  I know that the "partial reinforcement" of occasionally getting through to me may keep the behavior from extinguishing, but I am very worried about what he will do (to himself OR to me) if he has total NC…... what do you think is the best course of action?  Thanks, and I hope everyone is having at least a partially peaceful night!

[drv3006]

I can so relate to this.  I am wondering if its because they are male.   I read on here a lot that the women are suppose to be so beautiful.  Maybe that is why they find a replacement so quickly.   I have been waiting to be painted black or for him to find a new replacement for almost six months now.   I love him but it is just too much.   It got a little physical this time and that was it for me.   He just texted this morning that said I was the only one who understood this.   I laughed cause I have a recording of him telling me I am too stupid to understand anything and that I didn't have the capability to understand.  Anyway,  I think its harder for the men with BPD to find women who will put up with this than it is for a beautiful women with BPD to find a man.  Maybe I am stereotyping.  However, sometimes I wonder if I am doomed to have him in my life forever.   Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him, but the men can sure be super scary.   If the males on here are afraid of the females with BPD, I think its even more scary when they are a male.   My guy is super strong and sometimes I get really nervous.   I am just babbling, but I just wanted you to know that I too have been waiting for him to find someone else.   Sounds terrible to put that on another person, but I just get scared.

[chillamom]

Hi, drv,

I get scared as well, so I do know where you are coming from here.  Of course, my exBPDbf SAYS he would never hurt me or anyone, but my T (and most other people with common sense) are of the opinion that emotional/verbal abuse can and in general inevitably will escalate to physical…I am very sorry that you are feeling "doomed" as well.  You might be on to something about the gender difference regarding replacements…it seems from what I read on here that a lot of BPD women "offer themselves up" pretty easily, and perhaps men are less immune to such charms, whereas women maybe perceive themselves as having more at stake and therefore take their time before getting involved with a potential BPD guy.  I have to admit that when I first met my ex 6 years ago my initial reaction was "something is wrong here", but apparently I'm too dumb to listen to my own inner voice! Have you made sure you are safe, or as safe as can be?  Are you going NC or very LC, or have you felt the need to get a restraining order?  I'm trying ultra low NC, but he won't give up!  And now his email messages and texts are becoming more worrisome in their tone…….please take care of yourself!

[drv3006]

Hi, drv,

I get   I have to admit that when I first met my ex 6 years ago my initial reaction was "something is wrong here", but apparently I'm too dumb to listen to my own inner voice! Have you made sure you are safe, or as safe as can be?  Are you going NC or very LC, or have you felt the need to get a restraining order?  I'm trying ultra low NC, but he won't give up!  And now his email messages and texts are becoming more worrisome in their tone…….please take care of yourself!

Ha, when I met mine two years ago we were pulled over by a police officer who ran his license and said "Miss there are more lit up places to meet someone be careful"   come to find out his ex wife had a restraining order against him.  He told me and apparently, I too am too stupid, because I thought it was great he was honest.  Anyway,  I usually do LC because he is suicidal.  The thing is he has done extensive therapy.  He's just too smart to use the tools if you know what I mean.  He could be really a great testimony if he would apply what he finds wrong with everyone else and use it for himself.  Ha.  I am safe for now.   But I do get scared.

[drv3006]

He is texting me now.   Saying he hears my silence, and it s not helpful.  Sigh

[JLK1011]

I know how you both feel. I wish mine had a replacement and would just leave already. His name is not on the lease or the bills, but he is using me as a "forwarding address." Yes, he has resided in my apartment for about 5 months. I let him move in when I thought he had changed before I knew anything about BPD. Since I have started to pull away he is telling me I am absent and I don't give him positive reinforcement. It's only been two days, but he is very intuitive. Did yours leave on their own or did you leave? Last time I went NC and he would knock on my bedroom window claiming he needed to talk and it was an emergency. When I went to the door, he would smile and say something like hi how are you? What? No, there was no emergency. Just an excuse to get me to open the door.

[drv3006]

Mine left after he was pinning me down and yelling at me.  I don't even know what he was saying.   And then he stood up and said something about me not having his birthday written on the calendar and then off to work he went.  But then I told him that was it.   I don't need this stuff.  He keeps texting now.   He would stop by unannounced also.   its an awful feeling.     Sometimes I am more on edge when I don't hear from him because i don't know what he is doing.    I know that sounds weird, but I find myself always wondering if he is gonna pop up at my door by my car or something.  Or dead, once he said he was gonna come slit his wrist at my door.   I can't even figure out if I am scared of him or not.   We didn't live together all though he wanted to move in with me.   

[JLK1011]

Hi drv

I can relate to the anxiety about not hearing. I wonder what I will be walking into. Does the silence mean he is cooling or or does it mean he wants to blow up at me in person? I never know. Today it was non stop texts until noon about how I am not showing him enough love and affection. Then one innocent one at 3 asking me about a paper I am writing. I don't get it. The only thing that makes sense is that it doesn't make sense.

[lemon flower]

.my question is….I was trying to do NC or at least very LC, because my T told me t but I am very worried about what he will do (to himself OR to me) if he has total NC…... what do you think is the best course of action? 

hello chillamom,

it seems that I am one of the rare women here (at least that I know) who kept LC that resulted in a fairly good understanding with my ex (until now).

in the current situation it seems the best solution for both of us, but it has been very difficult to arrive to this point and I know things can still change at any time... .

the first weeks after the break-up were very stressful and I had some very scary moments with my ex, to the point that sometimes I litterally was hiding behind a barricaded frontdoor, and it took me months to recover from the internal stress and from serious sleeping problems! 

it's a long story to explain how we slowly converted the situation into some kind of friendship but it took lots of time and patience and I'm still very alert to constantly protect my own boundaries, but it was worth it, I'm glad we came this far 

still, if you want him out of your life forever, I wouldn't advise LC, it's very tricky and it can be painful to both of you !