Visiting BPDw after 8 months separation

[Sammamish]

Dear All,

I have been separated from my uBPDw for 8 months - we currently live in different countries. I wasn't expecting to see her again but she made contact and asked me to come visit. I have been seeing a counsellor for most of the last 8 months while my W to my knowledge has not sought any help. I believe she has been continuing to self-medicate (weed) as she had been for much of our short time together.

I have agreed to visit her for three weeks with the following intentions: 1) to see if things have changed and if there is anything left between us and 2) help move some of our stuff, which will involve significant cross-country driving and staying with friends for much of that period, (i.e. not much time to ourselves).

I guess my main motivation is to see if there has been any change, but what can I expect from a three week visit? I'm not sure if this will do more harm than good, but I feel I can't finish the marriage without seeing her again. Am I crazy?  My therapist told me not to go for longer than three weeks as it could be detrimental to my health. I still feel love towards my W, but this is probably more out of compassion and wanting to help her get settled again rather than having any realistic prospect of us getting together - I just haven't seen any evidence that things will be any different between us - yet at the same time I need to be sure.

I would like to think I am a stronger person than I was eight months ago and I will not put up with any of her crazy-making behaviour, but knowing her tendency to get disregulated during times of stress, I may be setting myself up for another roller-coaster ride - and I don't want to put myself in an unsafe position.

Any thoughts welcome.

Thanks for reading

S

[Fool for Love]

Sam, all I know is when I have questions about exgf changing... . when I really miss her... when I think things will be different ... I go and read the other categories on this board... like the staying and the undecided ... . I just read the same stuff over and over... I don't think they can change without alot of professional help and their own will. Good luck and you are not alone... we all have those feelings of "what if's"

[Dutched]

I understand your motivation. It might the opportunity for you to get a closure, a confirmation of your feelings and where you are.  Finally to give it a better place in order to close the book.

I appreciate of sharing!

That feeling to reach out , to meet her is not unknown for me (although I am split black).

Since 2008  HF exBPDw refused treatment, separated end 2010 and she filed for divorce.

As I like to put it: since she has what she wanted (her “plan” to have “something different”, “some fun”) now for her sole happiness she still is in denial, no treatment. As S19 tells me she feels “free”, wears her masks, but at home she is so empty and has “a kind of” remorse of what harm she caused for the kids, me, the +30 yrs r/s.

Although I knew about BPD a few yrs. before the end and successfully managed to minimize outburst and stabilize her, I never the less needed to see a T for a long time. Now a 3 yrs. later my love faded, but I have empathy for her condition, for her as human being, special as my S19 tells me about his mother.

When she would ask, as in your case, because of my empathy I would consider to meet her.

However because of the fact that she isn’t changed I would refuse as my wellbeing is to important for me.

You waged the pro’s and contra’s. Meet her for your wellbeing. Protect yourself as it is a brave step, considering “the risk”.     

[DiamondSW]

I'm 6mths out (100% NC) of a very damaging relationship with my BPDexgf.  I have been in hospital, weekly Therapy and it's been v tough.

I set myself 3 goals about 12 weeks ago when I cold feel myself improving -I could function, experience happiness, would meet friends and felt twinges of liking myself

1)  A new home ... . done 

2)  A new job ... . no.  haven't applied

3)  A new GF ... . but when I'm ready... . well, i've met someone lovely, but i'm not ready yet. 

So 1.5/3

Meeting my exBPDgf would shatter this progress and I couldn't possibly go back to those dark days in October.  She's not changed.  I'm sure of it -not through facts but by catching glimpses at church and knowing she's not moved on really.  To me, she's still toxic, dare I say poisonous, because of the words she's capable of... . which could still damage me.

Please think carefully about your plan.  If you are in T, it's because you needed it and something went very badly wrong in your life... . be careful.  Time heals, but not BPD people.  They need profssional help and A LOT of time...   8mths is nothing... .    :'(  not, even close. 

[DiamondSW]

forgot to add... .

The best thing about your '3 week visit' is that no BPD can go three weeks without the mask falling off at some point.  Week 1 may be paradise, but day 8 might be hell... .   or day 21... . it's coming, rage/devaluing, just a matter of when... .  

If she gets hungry or stressed, get ready... .  

I still wouldn't bother going... .   you are dreaming if you think she's changed enough in that timeframe... .   she might have just got lonelier realising the grass isn't greener on the other side (but her entitlement will ancel that out once your there to soothe her for a bit)

I sound so negative... .   or maybe I've learned a hard lesson.   

[rodrod]

Be absolutely ready for no change.  Prepare your mind for it so that you can recognize no change and have perspective of what you plan to do if you find no change.  I guess I am saying that you can try to go in open minded and hopeful, but be ready to protect yourself.  Be ready with a plan not to get drawn in if you truly do not want to be drawn in.  From my ten year spin cycle of in and then out and then repeat, I know that being drawn in is easy, especially if you really do having tender feelings for her.  <--- yep... . that was my codependency. 

 

[goldylamont]

all of us wanted to understand more and get answers to these questions in our head. i think it was good advice someone else posted to expect that she has not changed. not only that, but that your r/s with her will be worse. i will say this, after about 10 months after our breakup and having low contact, i did talk with my ex and tried to rekindle the r/s. and this was only after having several long heartwarming/heartbreaking talks with her and me thinking it was a possibility that she was coming around and changing. my man, it turns out that she started behaving nastier than i ever knew she could--not just to me but to her friends and others around her. it was all fake, basically. but, because i kept my expectations in check i am not mad that i kept in touch during this time and tried to work things out. i needed to be 100% sure for myself before completely letting go and moving on. so when she started treating me like isht again, ya it hurt but it just confirmed what i knew was a likely outcome. i had more evidence to *know* i was right in leaving and managing my expectations allowed me to mitigate the emotional damage. just don't go into this glossy eyed and too hopeful. i am a warrior, so i allowed myself to open my heart up one more time to her, and i did it fully knowing that it could very likely not work out--but i knew i was strong enough to take the blow and also i knew that finding out for sure was more important than protecting my vulnerability at the time. so today, even when i look back at my 1/2 recycle i'm glad i did it.

expect the worst and when it happens know you went into the situation with awareness, understanding you would need to sacrifice some strength to gain some perspective. if you know you don't have the strength to begin with, then stay far far away.

[Sammamish]

Thanks for your comments.

I know there will always be that feeling of "what if".  But having made efforts to work on myself, I plan to go over and see if our interactions are any different. Though I know its optimistic to expect any change or acknowledgement/ willingness to change on her part. I dont even know if it will clarify things for me but I have weighed up the risks and this is something I have to do.  Though I know my priority has to be to protect myself and my well-being.

So I have made it clear to her that my visit is only for three weeks, and that it is primarily to help move our things. I guess my main concern is how I will handle her behaviour if she gets disregulated.