Now, with distance, how to process it all?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all - I haven't posted here for awhile, have been separated from my BPD husband for ten months now, we have two small children... . I have a lot of support from friends and family, have a temporary custody order in place so legally things are stable... . but now I'm left trying to heal and deal with the emotions from living in a very scary, very emotionally abusive relationship for so many years. I've attended single parent groups, divorce groups - but they all made me realize I need something different, because I'm relieved to be divorcing, and custody is a non-issue as my husband has substance issues in addition to his mental health issues and has lost all but supervised visitation. What I really need are people who understand what it's like to live with a spouse who is mentally ill, unstable, and at times absolutely terrifying.

H and I were married for almost 8 years and for the last 5-6 he was extremely erratic, had crazy unstable moods including violent outbursts where he would scream at me, throw things at walls or at me, go into crazy rages... while rarely physically abusive, it was a very toxic and scary, emotionally abusive, situation and I really never told anyone how bad it was, ever, because I was so embarrassed and ashamed and, frankly, for a long time unable to believe that I was in this situation. Denial, fear not of my H but of people's reactions if we split, of admitting to myself what was really going on. I felt like I was going crazy for years because he manipulated me and distorted things so badly. I am in such a better place, feeling really positive and my kids (ages 5 and 1.5) are doing great ... . but I feel like I need an outlet somehow to start to process through it all. People know H has mental health and substance issues but no one knows what it was like for me and I wish I could find some network, some support group, that I could talk about all of it with. Any suggestions?

[yawp419]

Hi all - I haven't posted here for awhile, have been separated from my BPD husband for ten months now, we have two small children... . I have a lot of support from friends and family, have a temporary custody order in place so legally things are stable... . but now I'm left trying to heal and deal with the emotions from living in a very scary, very emotionally abusive relationship for so many years. I've attended single parent groups, divorce groups - but they all made me realize I need something different, because I'm relieved to be divorcing, and custody is a non-issue as my husband has substance issues in addition to his mental health issues and has lost all but supervised visitation. What I really need are people who understand what it's like to live with a spouse who is mentally ill, unstable, and at times absolutely terrifying.

H and I were married for almost 8 years and for the last 5-6 he was extremely erratic, had crazy unstable moods including violent outbursts where he would scream at me, throw things at walls or at me, go into crazy rages... while rarely physically abusive, it was a very toxic and scary, emotionally abusive, situation and I really never told anyone how bad it was, ever, because I was so embarrassed and ashamed and, frankly, for a long time unable to believe that I was in this situation. Denial, fear not of my H but of people's reactions if we split, of admitting to myself what was really going on. I felt like I was going crazy for years because he manipulated me and distorted things so badly. I am in such a better place, feeling really positive and my kids (ages 5 and 1.5) are doing great ... . but I feel like I need an outlet somehow to start to process through it all. People know H has mental health and substance issues but no one knows what it was like for me and I wish I could find some network, some support group, that I could talk about all of it with. Any suggestions?

[Matt]

The only support group I know of is here.

But I found it helpful to have a counselor too, just for me - someone I could talk to and process what I was going through and what I had been through.

[elizabeth716]

Hi there-

My situation is a mirror image of yours... . What you wrote speaks loudly to me because I have experienced a similar set of circumstances as you have. I referred to those rage-induced attacks as "nuclear explosions". Sometimes they involved alcohol, sometimes he was blackout drunk, other times, stone-cold sober. Prior to November of 2011, our marriage was very solid, and we had a small child. Some personal revelations, and an extremely stressful job, caused a fracture in a man that I thought I knew.

Here is my advice... . Consider Al-Anon. It has been eye-opening for me in many ways. Upon starting to go to Al-Anon, I embarked upon a journey of serenity, self-exploration and an awareness that I AM NOT ALONE, no matter how sad, lonely or confused I feel.

Also, read as much as you can on the process of detachment... . and work through the steps of focusing on you, yourself, and creating a path to health, wellness and healing.

This advice is easy to heed, but difficult to integrate... . trust me I know and realize that, but it has really (truly) helped me through some very dark, confusing moments.

Take care.

[yawp419]

Thank you so much, elizabeth716... . I have been considering Al-Anon, as my husband's mental health issues have always been compounded by alcohol and substance abuse - so much so that it's hard to know where one ends and the other begins. Thank you also for suggesting reading about detachment... . definitely something I need to work on. I'm extremely relieved to be separated and have NO regrets there... . but I still find myself wanting to take care of my husband, worrying about his choices, being drawn back into this care-taker role that only makes me feel frustrated and sad all over again. Everyone in his life has given up on him at this point - and I can't, because we have two little kids together, but our continued contact means I still feel very vulnerable sometimes and don't understand why I'm not angrier, why I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Other people have suggested Al-Anon to me as well - I think I will give it a shot, thank you.

[Matt]

I did Al-Anon too, and it was a big help.

My main memory of it was how complete strangers made me feel at home - the first time I went - and listened to what I was going through, and understood, and helped me feel not so alone in my struggle.

If you ever doubt whether people are good, go to an Al-Anon meeting.