Ring ethics / etiquette

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, been separated for several months. BPDw removed rings 1 month ago, has been seeing a fellow as well. I am not sure how much of him she is seeing, but you get the point.  Any ideas on when is it socially appropriate in the US for me to remove my ring?  As for me, I am not officially looking, really want to cool off a bit from the marriage, but by wearing a ring from an abuser who is wacko, is a bit of a deception of intent.

I appreciate any insight.  A significant part of this decision appeals to my kids. They need to know that the marriage will not be worked out, but that I am being otherwise proper.

[Unleashed]

Well, been separated for several months. BPDw removed rings 1 month ago, has been seeing a fellow as well. I am not sure how much of him she is seeing, but you get the point.  Any ideas on when is it socially appropriate in the US for me to remove my ring?  As for me, I am not officially looking, really want to cool off a bit from the marriage, but by wearing a ring from an abuser who is wacko, is a bit of a deception of intent.

I appreciate any insight.  A significant part of this decision appeals to my kids. They need to know that the marriage will not be worked out, but that I am being otherwise proper.

[Forestaken]

How old are the kids?   Do they know what mommy is doing?

I'm not dating - not looking - not wearing a ring

[Unleashed]

Son-11, D-5.  I think they both are on her adulterous binge, i.e. travelling overnight to see him. I do not tell kids anything about my approve/dissaprove of her business. The man is fine with me, I am actually happy that he is the one and not a random person,

[ForeverDad]

When I first saw this topic I thought it was whether to give the ring back or not.  Instead this is about wearing it.  I recall my ex, a few months before The End, said she wasn't wearing her rings because she took them off, to vacuum and she thought they got vacuumed up.  Several days later, on a weekend, she took our three yer old on some errand and when she returned I was sitting in front of the house puling out the dust from the bag.  No rings.  She said nothing, then a couple days later she said she 'found' them in another room, claiming our three year old must have picked them up and left them there.  No, I didn't believe it, she had been oppositional and triggered more and more those days.

You seem to have a reasonable viewpoint so I would suggest you do, in general, as you feel is right for YOU.  Just because you don't wear your ring doesn't have to mean you are available and on the prowl.  Just because you wear your ring doesn't have to mean you are resisting the demise of an unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage.  Yes, you may wish to ponder how the children may view it, but remember that "walls have ears" and likely the children already know the state of the relationship.

I seem to recall that I stopped wearing my ring rather quickly.  Then again, rings are not what make or break a marriage, though they are also a status indicator.  I get a chuckle at all those movie weddings where the wedding halts abruptly because the rings got misplaced.

[Aussie0zborn]

I took mine off right away as if I was removing some incurable disease from my hand. This  was in response to realising the whole relationship was a sham after learning that there was a thug on his way over to bash the crap out of me.

If you're still wearing your ring as part of mourning the demise of the relationship then that's OK. I don't believe there is an etiquette that says you have to put up with abuse and keep your ring on out of respect for a certain time.  I'm sure you will take it off when you're good and ready. Hopefully when you do, you will feel a weight off your shoulders and a sense of liberation. Liberation is not disrespect and its OK to seek it out. 

[Unleashed]

there was a thug on his way over to bash the crap out of me.

  Sounds like you need a particle accelerator, bad.

I took mine off right away as if I was removing some incurable disease from my hand.

  It went from incurable, to treatable, to curable. What a blessing it has been.

If you're still wearing your ring as part of mourning the demise of the relationship then that's OK.

Thanks fellows. Actually mourning began late in year 2000 when she began to act up.  I will not give it back, to prevent emotional distress to her. But I think I'll stick it in a deep recess of my home, maybe even inside an electrical outlet box in a wall, ha, ha!  Full of ideas.

Thanks,

[1KitKat]

I saw this in a different way when I went through this piece.  Our marriage broke down last year; at the time I thought that there was hope for a resurrection (because my ex kept telling me that there WAS hope).  Since then, he has told me that he no longer is in love with me, then he told me that he doesn't even LOVE me which hurt because we have a son together.  Last Mother's Day I didn't even get a greeting from him (he had actually scheduled me to do a PAINT JOB ON THAT DAY which shows you how much he was thinking about the value of my being a mom).  So, in one of my more insane moments I took off my ring and gave it to him saying "If you ever think that I should put it back on, you'll let me know".

Huge mistake on my part!  He used what I said, flipped the tables on me (although I wasn't necessarily looking to start a war, just looking for validation of our relationship status) and 'lost' my ring!  For all I know, it's at the bottom of the lake by now.  I do think that he threw it away, although he maintains to this day that he just doesn't remember where he put it.  He finally took his own off last week and deliberately triggered a response in me by parading around the house last visit and flashing his ring hand in front of me until I became compelled to remark on it.  Then he laughed in my face and said 'Ha!  You're still checking!'

Crazy, weird and messed up.  I might have strayed a little from the original subject here but just wanted to tell my story. 

[Unleashed]

I hear your story, mine might react similarly by her nature, but she's been ringless for a while, who knows.  I might be clumbsy on a mothers day as well!  Some of us do not regard certain holidays as much of anything.  Now if it was titled "Competent mothers/fathers day" that would be more celebratory... .

For me it is not emotional, dramatic, etc. as it could be for others.  More like trying to drive with the wipers on on a sunny day.  It is logical. I've been ringless three days, no comment from kid and she has not seen it. No big deal, it works.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

I'm finally divorced now about two months. I have my rings on my right hand. I was going to get them made into another ring and then found out I owe soo much money in taxes I figured I would sell them if I can.  Up until I brought them to the jeweler they were on my left hand. Then I took them back and now wear them on the right.  I was seeing a new guy who got pissed I had them on.  I think he's BPD too.  All along I've had another ring on my left hand that I bought myself. The diamond is fake.  I really wasn't looking to date and it's easier if I have a ring on to be left alone.

So my answer is who cares what anyone thinks. Take it off when YOU want, unless it affects your children somehow and they ask you to.

I might add my engagement ring was the one he gave to his ex so I really have no emotional attachment to it. I think it's a pretty ring and it's worth a good bit but other than that it doesn't mean anything to me.  I was only married about a year. It was supposed to be a temporary ring but of course he never got ME one.  Oh, and he proposed to his ex with it tied to his penis. I try to just laugh about it.