How to help depressed BPD mom from a distance?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother has BPD. She's a teacher (she teaches ESL to elementary school kids), and functions mostly well in public. The only symptoms she might show at work or in public in general is from depression, rather than her BPD. Fortunately her coworkers currently sympathize, because my dad recently separated from her.

Also, I don't live with my mother. She's in Dallas, while I'm in Seattle for graduate school. Leaving home for college was the most freeing thing.

The trouble is, my mother is in a horrid situation, even if she didn't have BPD.

- My dad recently separated from her (he couldn't handle her verbal and sometimes physical abuse anymore after 25+ years), but insists on staying married so that she can use his insurance to get therapy.

- My parents are Indian, and had an arranged marriage. Divorce or separation is alien to them, and she fears being socially outcast, and above all, being alone.

- My mother is in the process of moving out from our childhood home into a 1-bd apartment. While my dad is helping as much as possible, she feels extremely overwhelmed by all the packing, selling extra stuff, etc. It's a large 4-bd house, so it is daunting.

- My mother's physical health has not been great. Among other things, she is scheduled to have surgery for an incontinence-related issue, which means she won't be able to do much for a couple weeks other than lay in bed.

Even without BPD, all of that sucks pretty hard. With BPD, it means... .

- She has anxiety attacks, when any stress becomes so overwhelming that she just sobs and sobs, or when it gets worse, screams. She told me she could feel her heart pounding, and probably other physical symptoms she couldn't describe over the phone.

- She gets depressed, from worrying about being alone. She is diagnosed with depression. Even when I lived at home, and especially now alone, she would shut herself in her room and do nothing for hours on end, except maybe cry.

- Her poor physical health prevents her from seeking out her usual stress-relievers, like the gym or being social with her friends. Without those, she not only gains weight due to a hypothyroid issue (which just makes her feel worse), but also is at risk for further depression and anxiety.

- Many extended family members have "given up"; they unrealistically expect her to "get her ___ together", if you will. They're tired of her leaning on them, and are not interested in really offering help or validation or anything that she needs. She has friends who could help her stay social, but she refuses to go when they all go out to eat (she hates doing that), and turns down events when depressed. So, her relationships dwindle.


I'm now at a loss... . I have many commitments in Seattle. It's where my life is. I have a long-term boyfriend who I hope to marry, who has a wonderfully functional family, and who doesn't know that my mom has BPD (although he has witnessed my frustrated phone conversations often and doesn't have too great an impression of my mom). Plus, being home or spending extended time with my mom is super frustrating... . we go from great mother-daughter moments to horribly frustrating times, her criticizing me, venting constantly at me, including complaints about my dad, my brothers, and sometimes me (as if she forgets who she's talking to). She even gets into little rages about the smallest things with me. So, I can't stand spending too much time with her... . it's poisonous to me.

So, I don't know what to do. My mom needs help. She is trying to seek out therapy, but I can't help feeling that she is alone, and that I should be there to help her, especially with my dad having moved out. But, I don't feel that urge enough to cancel all my commitments and fly to Dallas, which just makes me feel even more guilty... .

Any thoughts? Everything I read online doesn't mention the depression and anxiety factors... . people mention 'exiting' the situation successfully, but don't you worry what being alone will do to your parent? I worry all the time that, one day, she'll go over the edge and hurt herself... . something she has actually done in the past when I was very young. I worry that, now that things are worse with no kids at home and my dad gone, that she might really do something one day when she's really depressed or anxious. But, my dad does not want to call 911 or the police in situations that seem that dangerous, because he doesn't want her to not be able to work again (certainly they'd never allow her to teach at an elementary school, even though she is a wonderful teacher, loved by all her kids).

[abstracted]

My mother has BPD. She's a teacher (she teaches ESL to elementary school kids), and functions mostly well in public. The only symptoms she might show at work or in public in general is from depression, rather than her BPD. Fortunately her coworkers currently sympathize, because my dad recently separated from her.

Also, I don't live with my mother. She's in Dallas, while I'm in Seattle for graduate school. Leaving home for college was the most freeing thing.

The trouble is, my mother is in a horrid situation, even if she didn't have BPD.

- My dad recently separated from her (he couldn't handle her verbal and sometimes physical abuse anymore after 25+ years), but insists on staying married so that she can use his insurance to get therapy.

- My parents are Indian, and had an arranged marriage. Divorce or separation is alien to them, and she fears being socially outcast, and above all, being alone.

- My mother is in the process of moving out from our childhood home into a 1-bd apartment. While my dad is helping as much as possible, she feels extremely overwhelmed by all the packing, selling extra stuff, etc. It's a large 4-bd house, so it is daunting.

- My mother's physical health has not been great. Among other things, she is scheduled to have surgery for an incontinence-related issue, which means she won't be able to do much for a couple weeks other than lay in bed.

Even without BPD, all of that sucks pretty hard. With BPD, it means... .

- She has anxiety attacks, when any stress becomes so overwhelming that she just sobs and sobs, or when it gets worse, screams. She told me she could feel her heart pounding, and probably other physical symptoms she couldn't describe over the phone.

- She gets depressed, from worrying about being alone. She is diagnosed with depression. Even when I lived at home, and especially now alone, she would shut herself in her room and do nothing for hours on end, except maybe cry.

- Her poor physical health prevents her from seeking out her usual stress-relievers, like the gym or being social with her friends. Without those, she not only gains weight due to a hypothyroid issue (which just makes her feel worse), but also is at risk for further depression and anxiety.

- Many extended family members have "given up"; they unrealistically expect her to "get her ___ together", if you will. They're tired of her leaning on them, and are not interested in really offering help or validation or anything that she needs. She has friends who could help her stay social, but she refuses to go when they all go out to eat (she hates doing that), and turns down events when depressed. So, her relationships dwindle.


I'm now at a loss... . I have many commitments in Seattle. It's where my life is. I have a long-term boyfriend who I hope to marry, who has a wonderfully functional family, and who doesn't know that my mom has BPD (although he has witnessed my frustrated phone conversations often and doesn't have too great an impression of my mom). Plus, being home or spending extended time with my mom is super frustrating... . we go from great mother-daughter moments to horribly frustrating times, her criticizing me, venting constantly at me, including complaints about my dad, my brothers, and sometimes me (as if she forgets who she's talking to). She even gets into little rages about the smallest things with me. So, I can't stand spending too much time with her... . it's poisonous to me.

So, I don't know what to do. My mom needs help. She is trying to seek out therapy, but I can't help feeling that she is alone, and that I should be there to help her, especially with my dad having moved out. But, I don't feel that urge enough to cancel all my commitments and fly to Dallas, which just makes me feel even more guilty... .

Any thoughts? Everything I read online doesn't mention the depression and anxiety factors... . people mention 'exiting' the situation successfully, but don't you worry what being alone will do to your parent? I worry all the time that, one day, she'll go over the edge and hurt herself... . something she has actually done in the past when I was very young. I worry that, now that things are worse with no kids at home and my dad gone, that she might really do something one day when she's really depressed or anxious. But, my dad does not want to call 911 or the police in situations that seem that dangerous, because he doesn't want her to not be able to work again (certainly they'd never allow her to teach at an elementary school, even though she is a wonderful teacher, loved by all her kids).

[Kwamina]

Hi abstracted  

I just replied to your introductory post. Regarding the concerns you express here about your mother possibly hurting yourself, I think you might benefit from the following workshop about how to deal with threats of suicide and suicide ideation: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

There's also a workshop on here about depression and suicidal ideation that you might find helpful:

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

It's an unfortunate reality of BPD that certain people with this disorder have suicidal tendencies and/or hurt themselves in other ways. Since it's your mother I can see why this stresses you out so. Dealing with these things is challenging but I hope you'll find the resources I pointed out helpful.

[BreatheDeep]

Hi Abstracted 

You sound like such a wonderful and thoughtful daughter. Please don't feel like you should be worrying about her. It sounds like she isn't as alone as some women would be because your dad is still helping her out.

She is an adult and has access to medical and mental healthcare.

Take care of yourself, do well in university, spend time with your bf and be a happy young adult.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, abstracted,

You sound really worried about your mom. That is understandable. Depression and anxiety and BPD can feel overwhelming, and people who are suffering with those issues do often feel hopeless and alone and may isolate themselves and stop doing things they enjoy. It sounds like your mother already has access to professional care and is looking for a therapist as well. That is very good. Someone experiencing what your mother is going through will need professional support.

I don't think you are a bad daughter for not travelling cross-country to soothe your mother right now. This could be an opportunity for her to learn that she is capable of finding help for herself. It's possible that it might be more helpful to her for you to allow her to find her own solutions.

Has your mother ever expressed to you that she is thinking of hurting herself? It is important that people who are suicidal seek immediate medical attention. Your father may have valid concerns about her career, but it will be even harder for her to find a job if she completes suicide. In certain circumstances it may be necessary to call professionals in for someone who is suicidal and will not seek help on their own.  Kwamina has given you some very good resources to explore concerning suicidal ideation. It can also help to talk with someone at a suicide prevention hotline. Our staff will be happy to put you in touch with a local number if you like.

I read a workshop here when I was new that helped me a lot. It may not completely apply to your situation, but it may give you some things to think about. Are you supporting or enabling? I would be interested to hear what you think.

Wishing you peace,

PF