Confused/Is he BPD or Not?

[goingtostopthis]

         I just had a really nice conversation with my boyfriend who I have been talking about on this forum for about two months now.  He supposively split on me two months ago and put me through a hell I dont think I will ever forget.   Very gradually we have been friends, very slowly getting a little closer with more contact, but even this has been a little bumpy.  

                               Tonight he wanted to skype with me which is something he hasnt wanted to do ever since our fight and only gradually once and awhile has decided he has wanted to. Well tonight was a second in a row from last night and I have to say Im happy about it but Im worried too.  

                                It was almost as if he has tottally forgiven me and he wants me back and all the hope we once had to seeing each other again is now an open option.  It's like he has gravitated back to the person I once knew and it has really felt like he is back to stay.

                                He was willing to talk about our troubles in the past openly which was surprising to me but it was good,  the only thing that kind of bothered me was a statement he made about me telling him I thought he had a personality disorder and how ridiculous that was,yet he admitted he had a problem with negativity and drama that he was going to change.  

                               First of all,  if he does have BPD , well,  there's no chance he'll ever face this now. That's the impression I got because of the way he scoffed at the idea like it was just so obsurd. And the more I talked with him the more normal he really did seem given the fact that he'd been drinking rum in his coffee for the past couple hours.  But aside from that the other night he wasnt drinking rum and he seem nice and normal then too.   So  could I be wrong?    

                               I have a good memory and I remember everything that was happening when he split on me and how irrational and dark he was.  He never gave me a clear reason once why he wanted to break up with me. But he did make it clear that it was because I was the one with the problem not him,  and now ok,  he starts admit some things about himself that need improvement. What took him so long?  This is really confusing. Is this what happens when they recycle in a relationship?  Am I crazy to have said before that he wasnt the same person I knew and that he had changed?  Is he normal and am I a BPD.  Ive thought about this alot and found some traits that fit me,  but nothing like him!   He was soo mean to me. Made me cry so many times.  Making it so clear to me that he doesnt feel the same way about me that I do him,shaming and hulmiliating me.   and now all of that is gone, or it appears to be. Its like he has a renewed hope that we will be together again(its a long Distance relationship) and the way I see it,  if he remains constant like this, then yes,  I will buy a plane ticket and  see him again in maybe 3 or 4 months from now.

                     Is this how it goes.  Hes been normal with me for at least 6 months before our episode, then snapped,  is this the beginning of another 6 months?  or has he just been messed up because we have been apart for a year and started having doubts so started hating me?  If I had the money I would have seen him.

 Im confused because Ive heard stories of people who live with BPD's  and it appears that they are all ways troubled and unhappy, mean and difficult.  It seems like this guy Im with has phases of it.  Is that possible?

                                                   Im wondering if it hasnt been the tension we have both equally been under that caused our break up.,or if that triggered his problem.  I can look back myself at what I was going through 2 months ago on this forum to get an idea ,  was it me?  was it him, both of us, yes,  but my question is did I hit it right about him having this BPD problem?  

                                                                               

                                   

[Narellan]

My ex BPD did exactly the same. We had 2 splits and then he came back talking about how without even knowing it I had helped him with problems he's been battling his whole life. He thanked me from the bottom of his heart. To me now looking back I know he has recognition of BPD that was what he meant as problems. So I got sucked back in and bought a plane ticket and spent the most wonderful 5 days with him. When I was leaving and on our way to the airport I was sad about leaving and crying a little and he said " everything you're feeling, I'm feeling" he had tears in his eyes and held my hand and kissed it. The 5 days were so passionate and living and normal and he said I was made for him. I'd been back only 3 days when he split and said he didn't love me we were just friends nothing more. I've spent the last 5 weeks plunged into the depths of despair I can't even function most days. I can't sleep or eat and I've never been this rock bottom. He moved on with my best friend 3 days after the splitting. He denies to her that he ever loved me and that I am an alcoholic. The past few days for me have been tragic but I'm slowly pulling myself together. I don't know if my story will ring any bells for you, but I truly wish I hadn't gone back the last time because its almost destroyed me. If you want my advice yes they can say they are at fault but they prob dont believe it. It sounds like he wants to recycle, as I'm sure mine will some day but remind yourself of the pain and suffering you experienced last time. Write down and read the hurtful things he said last time. This is how he really feels about you. I too have wondered if I was crazy or had BPD. It just goes with this I think. They confuse the hell out of you til you don't recognise yourself anymore. My advice would be to break from him. Save yourself. I wish you all the best x

[goingtostopthis]

Well, Im really sorry  it ended up that way for you,  I mean 3 days after you said goodbye the way you did? I can see how that would  be rough. I'd be agrier then angry and I'd probably verballize that to him to the 5th degree if that has happened to me.

                      In my case after we said good bye the first time we were together, it was very much like you described,   but our love for each other continued on,  we suffered for it though. It was awful being apart and we spend many of times being depressed about it together. I kind of see us as two saparate people who need to grow in our own separate ways.  I have my stuff and he has his.  I dont think when or if I see him again he would do this.  It would most likely be another repeat of the hell we went through before about being apart, but not as intense and with a feeling of more hopefulness,

You know, it happened once, it happened twise,  it will happen again sort of thing. I think before we lost hope that we would ever see each other again and grew frustrated with each other over it.  I know I grew frustrated with him because he wouldnt go out and get a job and I felt like all the pressure was on me to make this happen again and I just couldnt do it at the time. I was still recoverying from all the money  I spent for the first trip.

It only seemed right to me that he should come see me now, but he didnt have the means at all even to renew his pass port. Now its renewed,  but this happened a week before we split.  He was dashing all hope the way I saw it. Giving up and trying to wipe me off the map because I  had felt I had become the one and only thing to make him happy in his life and he resented me for it. He had all these fantasies as to how he wanted things to be with us, none of them were practical. Hello, it takes money,  it takes planning, and working hard for it.   He didnt want to do that, he just wanted the magic back, he wanted an effortless miracle.

I was busting my butt at an 8 hour job every day ,saving what I could and he was just sitting home feeling sorry for himself with no job and no effort to get one.He told me early on that he had decided when he was 18 that he was never going to be a slave to a 9 to 5 type job,  so there you go. Hes a slave to the consequences now.    I came to think his resistance to working had something to do with disorder, It very well could. Hes all ways suffering one way or another ,cant pay bills, cant afford gas or food,  all ways in the crutch.

                       My love for him has all ways stayed the same , I was just having trouble accepting this about him. He isnt going to change and I wonder if I hadnt accidently relayed my frustration and anger towards him for allowing himself to get to the state hes been in.,hence the building up of the great splitting fight. I think this was in the under currents that caused a trigger in him.  And Boy! Was it ever!   It was a typical BPD fight.

                I didnt know so I just went on defending myself and trying to prove my point and tell him how irrational he was, it was so circular and never ending. I kept on apologizing and being sorry , over and over,   I wanted it to end, I wanted to work it out and make up. I said every inconceivable thing possible to get him to understand that I didnt mean what I said and that I didnt say to him what he said I said, and that this and that never happened, He didnt want to make up, he only wanted to punish me as long as he could.,and for what?  a slight little tiff that was so stupid got pushed into becoming an atomic bomb that 'I" set off. I was trying to defuse the danm thing while he was the one who wired it together in the first place.  This is what brought my suspicions to him having BPD.    

 Ever sinse Ive started reading up on this illness and working with my communication style with him, things have gotten much, much better.  He does care about me and he does listen to me and share equally in the conversation many times,  its just some times he gets off on him self and needs attention about a headache, sore thumb, back ache,  knees, what ever, and that "can" become a bit  taxing after a while.  He becomes an attention whore on you. and thats tough when you have aches and pains too.  Oh he hears me,but many time, not all the time, but many times my aches and pains have a tendancy to be related right back on him. hes gotten better with this though.  

                  He said  some really nice loving things to me tonight, very meaning things about how he feels about me and about how we feel about each other.  I believe he meant it, and I dont believe this is just a one day feeling thing that will change tomorrow. I guess Im saying this because I think I know him  well enough.


Im not sure he has it in his brain to simulate what exactly it was that happened between us when he flipped out on me and refused to listen to anything I had to say. I was mud and there was no way he was going to let me out of it.  Thats basically what happened. I dont think he wants to know exactly what happened. He just says he wants to forget it now and let it go.    I think hes got a complex about being around controling women and I was it!  even though I am not, I am not his ex wife who was controling.   So guess who became controling?  He did!    It turned into a monster.    No telling him that!      

                   I ave to remember to stop over blaming myself for all this, I want to be responsible for my side of it  I want to be aware of what led to this break in him, how did I contribute to it, un knowling of course at the time,  and to know how to step out of it and see the difference between what are his issues and what are mine.  This should help alot if anything should happen again, Ill know how to step back from him, not take it personally, or too personally and being handle the situation in a more defusing way. and realize most of all when hes irrational ,  it isnt me with the problem.  Its him needing to be left alone.  

[Narellan]

I hear you loud and clear . I was In the same thought processes a few weeks back befor I discovered the communicating with my best friend. I was still hopeful and believed he pushed me away cos he couldn't deal with his feelings toward me. He said " god we just love each other so much don't we?" Then within hours he was gone. Again. I've spent so many hours like you going over what I could have done differently and my part in all if it. I never reacted back so we never had an argument. I just retreated into my pain. Thinking that was the best option while he was being such a loose cannon. I think it was. I was hoping he would see that I was after all what he always declared " the best thing that's ever happened to him" but if you read my posts you'll see I've moved on from that view now.

Someone on here posted a quote which really hit it all home to me. " it doesn't matter how good you are to him, he will still turn on you" and that's the bottom line. It doesn't even really matter whether they do or don't love you they will still turn. It's the illness not them. I pray you don't have to go through the pain I have, but if you do keep reading and learning on here and take all the support you can, and remember we can get through this. Good luck Xx