BPD Wife Quit Her Job without Notice

[ATLandon]

The title sums it up in a nutshell. My uBPDwife quit her very good part-time job on July 4th without any notice whatsoever. She was "sick" that Thursday and called in an hour before her shift. She had been complaining the last week before this because she had to work every day of the week. I know it sucks to work every day of the week, as I have to do this also but its what grownups have to do sometimes to pay the bills. The bosses told her there was a policy in place that she needed a note from a doctor since she was still a new employee. That bit her butt and made her very angry with them since she "was being accused of not being sick!" Which, ya know, she wasn't really sick. Then to top it all off, she never called back at all after all this. I questioned her for days about it only to get answers such as, "I don't know what I'm going to do," or, "I just need some time."

I'm just so angry because she was making good money at that job and they were treating her very well. We NEEDED that job since I've been struggling with underemployment since September. I'm working two part-time jobs myself, working every day of the week and going to school, AND looking for a full-time job. I'm just so sick of always having to carry us financially. She has stolen plenty from me over the years. Selfish selfish selfish woman! 

I know this overdue, but I needed to vent. My uBPDwife had given me hell when my company laid me off (not their choice, but due to the economy) and blamed me for losing my job and went on and on about how I intentionally put us in a terrible position. Then she goes and voluntarily quits a good job that isn't difficult. I could train a labrador to do the work she was doing. But she throws it away because she was "so tired all the time." When I bring up her quitting that job then I can feel a rage coming on and I cut it short before it gets to that point. Words cannot even begin to explain how completely over I am with this marriage. 

[refusetosuccumb]

I'm sorry, how frustrating.


My ex never officially "quit" a job the first 13yrs of our marriage, but he did always managed to get himself fired.  Of course it was never ever his fault   but the longest he held a job was 8 months.  He was going to stay home with the kids (I supported this, the kids were older and my salary covered the basics with a bit of wiggle room).  I thought "great, no childcare and they can see their dad more often"  Once he was at home, he was either holed up in the basement doing music stuff or sleeping.  In 3yrs, he rarely actually interacted with the kids and I'd find out later that he would pawn them off on the neighbours and go for "bike rides"

Moral of my story is that it's terribly soul destroying when you rely on your partner to "do their part" and they don't but still expect us to pick up the slack while doing a fantastic job with what's already on our plate.

I had a few reasons for leaving my ex.  Since I couldn't really count on him to do much of anything, it made my life for leaving easier because I was already doing it all.  Now I still do it all, but with one fewer child to contend with.

[Confusedmae]

My ex did this too. If he didn't quit with little or no notice, he got fired.  I think the longest he was ever employed by the same company was a little over one year.  We were together for 11+ years.

[refusetosuccumb]

I've held a job in the same industry for 14 yrs.  Different companies mind you (4 yrs, 8 yrs, 2 yrs and still there... .the only time I took off was one year of maternity leave with each child).  I even managed to hold higher levels of responsibility with each move.  All while dealing with my ex, raising our two kids, the grocery shopping, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and keeping us from bankruptcy.

I've been free 11 weeks.  For the first time in years, I can pay my bills on time and still have some fun money left over.  I now see that even with my ex's contribution (800/month) that we were drowning.  I've realized I have no one bugging me for $20 here and there which adds up quickly in a month.  No purchases made by him first and then he'd inform me after.  I have money in the bank.

The reason I, myself, was so bitter was because I was doing it all.  And succeeding.  But I didn't have it in me anymore.

I wish you luck!  You will come to the decision when you are ready.

[mstnghu]

I definitely understand the frustration when it comes to my wife's career, although she hasn't quit anything yet. My wife works in a position that requires extensive skill and training. I've tried for years to motivate her to continue pursuing her career and to move forward. We even went to Las Vegas a couple years ago so she could take a special certification test that apparently only a very small minority of people in her field pass on the first try... .she aced it! Since then, she's done absolutely nothing with that certification to move on!

Here I am using every last dime I earn to support our family financially and every time she takes on any kind of side job, she spends the money on herself!

It becomes very frustrating after awhile! To top it off, my wife calls in sick to work about 2-3 times a month for no good reason. It definitely creates conflict in our relationship. My wife has ridiculously good medical benefits for our whole family, so her calling in sick could potentially create serious problems for us. If I get on her case about calling in sick, she tells me it's none of my business! 

She complains about wanting money to do "xyz" but refuses to takes the steps to make it happen. I've tried moving up in my career and have talked to her about it and she only shuts me down each time. Every time I've tried to make advances in my career, she always has some sort of objection. It makes no sense whatsoever! I've done nothing but motivate her in her career path and she does nothing with her own credentials... .and then she tries to hold me back, yet complains that we don't make enough money! 

[Soccerchic]

I can not even believe I am not alone. Most of my friends are married to ambitious men so my uBPDh is a source of frustration and embarrassment. I too took the stance that I can earn a great living with in my industry. He could stay home with the kids. What seemed like a great idea at first was horrible. He spent a large amount of time sleeping and would have random spurts of energy never completing a house project that he now had the time for. I would come home to a wrecked house and my children stressed out do to his self esteem destroying parenting style. He also has called in sick every month and has been talked to about attendance and punctuality.  We need him to hold down his current partish time job for insurance reasons but he continues to run into issues when a boss doesn't like him or a coworker is jealous of him (really really).  It amazes me that we have had our mortgage for 5 years and I had to remind him to pay it by today, tell him which bank account to use, and tell him who to call to avoid being late. Serious man child issues. I rarely take time off, work a high stress job, and still have to remind him when to put the kids to bed.

I have a question though. I'm trying to do the stop the bleeding thingy and when he was the huge man child today being clueless about the mortgage I tried to not point out his lameness. I simply said we have paid this mortgage for 5 years right?  You need to learn how to do this. However what is a consequence?  He weirdly brings in an extra 800 a month (ironically the same as the contributor above). When I've let him handle the bills we almost went bankrupt. He does not pay attention to bills or money and just yesterday has picked another new career to pursue.  If I separate our bank accounts he still won't hVe money for our bills. I'm trying to uncodependent myself. Has anyone been in this situation and set a boundary that worked and reduced their resentments. He is not a big spender but doesn't even cover his own expenses. It's such huge turn off and makes me see him as weak and unmanly.

[123Phoebe]

Has anyone been in this situation and set a boundary that worked and reduced their resentments. He is not a big spender but doesn't even cover his own expenses. It's such huge turn off and makes me see him as weak and unmanly.

In the case of exH, he was a big spender and brought little into the home, even less as time went on   I know what you mean about it being a huge turn off, so much so that I couldn't get turned back on.  I had to get out from underneath it and don't regret it one bit.

So no, there wasn't a boundary that worked in reducing my resentments while staying in the marriage.  What worked for me was: I will not stay married to a man who doesn't pull his fair share.  I will not support a man that is perfectly capable of working and supporting himself. 

Ew, it was just so gross.

[refusetosuccumb]

I never let my ex handle bill paying in all our 16yrs together.  I'm too anal for that, .  I'm very Type A and have a need for order (ironically, the very last thing you can actually get out of a relationship with a BPD, no?)

After he stopped selfmedicating briefly, I implemented some fun spending money for each of us to spend without consulting the other.  I gave him $40 a week to my $20, hoping that he would just be content with that.  It became a battle.  He'd blow through the $40 in no time then badger me for the money.  A lot of the time I'd give in because it wasn't worth the battle.  But god help me when we couldn't afford it and had to tell him No. 

I can stand on my own two feet and I didn't consider it "unmanly" for my ex not to pull in as much as me.  All I needed him to do was hold down the home while I earned the money.  He couldn't (or wouldn't) do that.

I'm so thankful my mom taught me to stand on my own two feet and complete my post-secondary education before even thinking about  having children.  My dad is a recovering gambler and put my parents into bankruptcy at least twice.  But my mom did her best to teach us kids not to repeat her mistakes of becoming reliant on anyone but ourselves.  I'm hoping that my kids learn the same lesson AND learn to pick a partner that completes them, not adds to their stress.

When you know better, you do better, right?

[ImWrecked]

I've started to notice a lot of these issues too... .My partner of 14 yrs was ok at keeping a job for the first 4 years or so, but it all went down hill from there.  I always reassured her that it wasn't her fault, but as I'm learning all about BPD, and looking back more closely... .I am realizing that she probably did most of it to herself.  She has been fired twice, and almost one other... .quit several jobs all while I have worked the same job for the last 12 yrs.  I guess if I were outside looking in at someone else, I'd say it was obvious that you don't get fired that many times unless you are doing something to make it happen. 

I am like refusetosuccomb in that I am too anal to allow her to control the bills also, but that in itself causes it's own set of issues... .then she feels like I'm treating her like a child because she has to "ask permission" to spend money... .it's always something... .

I feel for all of you with the job issue... .it sucks to always be supporting someone that doesn't recognize or appreciate that you do it in the first place. 

[Zon]

My uBPD/NPDw has not held a full-time job in eight years.  The best has been 2-3 month stints.  She actually manages the finances and is pretty good at it.  However, we are hurting for income.  While my job pays well, it is not enough for all our expenditures (mostly children).  I have tried to convince her (actually just asking what she wanted to do) in the past to work and/or go for a certificate that would help her and she strongly desires.  No strong move on any front.  There is always an excuse (i.e., activities for children, shopping for necessities) for not being able to do anything.  All she does is be as thrifty as possible.  Regardless of what I do around the house, it is not enough to free her to move forward.

I have thought on many occasions that divorce would be the only way to help her move forward.

[mace17]

This all sounds so familiar.  My uBPDh does stay employed for the most part, and does make decent money, but the longest he's held a job since I've been with him is about 2 years, and then gets fired or "laid off" because of his attitude towards authority.  Because of this, I have never been able to depend on him for insurance or benefits, and after he lost the really good job he had with awesome benefits, I have kept the kids (including his daughter who he was required to have health ins on after his divorce) on my insurance because I at least have a stable job. I pay all the insurance and deductables, plus whatever portion the insurance does not cover. 

While he does usually manage to keep finding work and stay employed, he likes to hoard his money and does not help much with the bills, and does not help at all with our son's expenses such as daycare, school fees, sports, clothing, etc.  I have worked 2 jobs, gone to school to get a better position with my company, and am currently donating plasma to make a little extra money.  I feel like I'm drowning, I sometimes can't even pay all the bills and am constantly going overdrawn in my checking account.  I have 2 maxed out credit cards and couldn't make the minimum payments last week, and while I had to donate plasma so I had gas money to go visit my grown daughter, he went to the casino to play.  I would be farther ahead if I was single as I could live a lot more simply.

[Huh?]

Ill tell you what, this "job" issue has led me to think that I have BPD because it is a "sign".   I graduate college in 2010.  Since then, Ive had 6 jobs... .many of them I have quit without notice.  But heres the thing, I consider myself ambitious... .very driven.  My first job out of college, graduating into the second worst economy in US history was working fast food (job #1).  I have never worked fast food in my life... .but I did it for four months... .and it sucked.  This put a lot of strain on my relationship with a uBPD woman at the time... .I was unhappy and she wanted me to make more money like her friends men... .and she made sure to let me know that often.

Desperate I eventually, after asking to volunteer at businesses in my field of study, I got a very low paying entry level job which I did for four months (job #2).  I quit without notice for two reasons, I was treated like crap by the abusive owner (literally, he cussed me out everyday), and two, my uBPD girlfriend left me for someone else... .so I didnt feel pressure to take "anything" in my field anymore.

Shortly thereafter, I got a GREAT job paying ALOT more money... .(job #3) I enjoyed it for awhile, but it was a dead end job and I wanted further experience so that I could develop my skills and further my marketability and earning potential... .so I left that job for another (job #4) which paid less but had a lot more earning potential in the future.  I also met another woman at this time, who eventually became my fiance... .now ex fiance for the same reason, she was frustrated with me switching jobs because she wanted "stability" and the "financial security" that comes with it... .more on this later.

So Im working the low paying but great for my resume job #4, and I decide Im ready to make more money so I switch to job #5... .now the skills I have learned in my previous job are paying off big time and I am making GREAT money for 8 months, but at the same time I am being courted by a former coworker who is starting his own business and would like me to work with him... .so I work both jobs simultaneously for about a month (jobs #5 and #6).  My ex fiance, who was at first upset that I wasnt making enough money... .was now upset that I wasnt spending enough time with her... .she eventually threw me out of the house after 5 days of her giving me the silent treatment.

So I left job #5, and I am now working at the start up, job #6, making GREAT money working one on one with a mentor who is further developing my skills which will pay off great dividends in the future.


So I guess the point of this is, if I stayed at my first fast food job straight out of college like all my friends  and girlfriend at the time said I should do... ."because that is what you do nowadays, start at the bottom and work your way up" I <might> be making barely above minimum wage now four years later and miserable at a job that I have no passion for.

Instead, I progressively used 5 jobs to get me to where I am today... .and this isnt the end, Im sure in a few years Ill be leaving this apprenticeship so that I can go out on my own and make more money.  My current ex fiance didnt understand this... .if you ask her, Im sure she would tell you that Im BPD because she has worked the same job for the last 4 years... .a job in which she absolutely hates.  She would tell you that I am unstable and unreliable.  Yet, I have paid my bills, put money into savings for a house (she put ZERO in herself), and done what I needed to do in order to further my career and financial earnings, and will continue to do so... .so if that makes me BPD?  Well... .?  

P.S. My first job ever (before I went to college) I worked for ten years during and after high school. However, after ten years at the age of 26, I realized that I wanted to do something I enjoyed, not just something I fell into, which is why I left that job and went to school.