ugh, first post, need very basic advice

[Seneca]

hi there. i have an UBPH of 11 years, two elementary aged children and am ready to detach. he is not however, and no matter what i have said or the therapist has said, he is still in ideation/ winning me back mode. even though i say it is over in my heart, have no hope, would rather be lonely forever than be in a r/s with him anymore... . it's like i am speaking greek. this has gone on for about 6 months.

we moved last year into a nice neighborhood, close to the kids school with lots of little friends for them and they are over the moon happy here. this is there home. i am a SAHM of 9 years, and i think the most logical and humane decision is for me and the children to stay here, and for him to leave. but he is being ridiculous and blind to the facts. denial city. question: how do i get him to leave? i don't want to move out with the kids because that would be traumatic and frightening for them, i will not go without them and abandon them to this craziness, i want him to leave. how do i get him out? legally? is there anything i can do? (besides file a restraining order, which would be unfounded and wrong) there's no violence (he is medicated right now and doing the win me back song and dance), and my kids arent in danger... . but i have carefully made my decision about what i want for my life and it does not include being abused or manipulated or lied to any longer. and i have detached emotionally and physically. i am ready to be done. help?

[whirlpoollife]

I filed , then h received the divorce papers. Then got a court hearing for h to move out which intertwined with the first custody hearing.  The L at the time could see I was a wreck from h, she did get him out but  from the time of filing to the hearings and his moving out was five months of still living together.  That was hell. So if you get a court date , beg for an emergency one to get it done sooner.    I pay the mortgage so be prepared for that too.

[ForeverDad]

Have you interviewed lawyers yet?  Some of your questions we can't answer because they would be state/local specific and an experienced family law attorney in your area would not only have the legal information but could also outline a proposed initial strategy.  Get multiple legal consultations.

As for where to live, understand that a house is just a house, home is where you live.  I hope that makes sense.

Whether you and the kids remain in the house depends largely upon whether your husband's income can support you there while he lives elsewhere.  If he has limited income, chooses to stop working, or some other snafu, you may have to get training and embark on a working career.  Most courts, if they grant you only short term support during the divorce, may extend it for a few years to help you transition to post-marriage life and let you train or get certified for a career.  In the long term, if his support is less than what is needed, you may need to accept becoming a working mother.  Not now - and certainly now is not a time to volunteer - but be aware that it may be necessary later.

By now you know you can't reason with someone who isn't listening.  So don't waste your time and energy on attempts that you can expect will fail.  Find out where you stand legally in your state and area.  Interview lawyers, choose one who realizes settlements and deals are unlikely to succeed, at least not until there is legal pressure looming such as a hearing or trial date.  (My ex got a favorable temporary order and she delayed the case for nearly two years and only on Trial Morning, with all other options to delay exhausted, did she settle.  She refused to settle until she absolutely had to settle.)

Do you have our essential handbook by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger?

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[Seneca]

Plan on getting to the library today to pickup Splitting. 

Thanks for the advice and input. I am in NY. I have a lot of pride, and if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't even seek support. I have already begun planning for the future and have enrolled in a community college. I start this summer, and my aim is to wind up with skills and a degree in a great and stable field in 4-5 years. I would seek support for that time. Between support and a settlement, I could afford the house for a number of years. But if I were to just get out there and work at jobs that I am currently qualified for, I'd have no way of keeping the home. it's not the mortgage - it's the property taxes on top of it, and the utility bills and upkeep.

What types of questions should I ask of lawyers? What should I be looking for?

[Forestaken]

hi there. i have an UBPH of 11 years, two elementary aged children and am ready to detach. he is not however, and no matter what i have said or the therapist has said, he is still in ideation/ winning me back mode. even though i say it is over in my heart, have no hope, would rather be lonely forever than be in a r/s with him anymore... . it's like i am speaking greek. this has gone on for about 6 months.

we moved last year into a nice neighborhood, close to the kids school with lots of little friends for them and they are over the moon happy here. this is there home... . i don't want to move out with the kids because that would be traumatic and frightening for them, i will not go without them and abandon them to this craziness, i want him to leave. how do i get him out? legally?

 

You really can't force him out.  It's as much his as yours. 

My S2bx+uBPD+dOCD terrorize the children, now in college, when they were in middle school, on their own (separately) suggested I divorce their mom.  Warning, in high school, the conflicts get worse as the kids start to see who he really is.  If you leave with the kids, save enough money, home is not a location, but "where the heart is". 

Best of Luck.  I wished I filed for divorce earlier,