How did I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm looking for some input on this conversation I had with my dBPDgf last night over text.  I am really trying my best to not get sucked into her emotional black hole.  I'm really trying to let her know I feel for her and I love her but am don't want to give into any of her emotional blackmail.  That said, I am constantly left second guessing my responses and wondering if I "did something wrong".  Life with a BPD is exhausting and I'm reaching a point where I just don't care anymore (another topic).

Anyway some background on this conversation.  She was over at my house and like normal has some "issue" that is not "resolved" for her between us.  At the moment I can't even recall what it is because there is always something.  I was planning to go some where and originally she had asked to come over and stay while I go and then we would be together when I got back (about 90 minutes).  By the time I was ready to go she was doing her thing with me and I wasn't doing whatever she needed to resolve whatever issue she had.  She decided she needed to leave and go home for a timeout.  I was fine with it and didn't fight it or anything.  Knowing her I knew she wouldn't be back and honestly if she needed a timeout and needed to go home great, but at the same time I wasn't going to reach out and try to pull her back in.  I left for my meeting and when I returned home she had left me a note saying how she needed to leave to not cause chaos, etc, etc.  Awesome and fine with me.  I made dinner for myself, checked some emails, and watched a bit of TV. 

As I expected it didn't take long for the text messages to start from her doing what I call emotional blackmail.

As you read this some more background here.  She has come to decide I am this deceitful person who has lied to her about anything and everything.  The reality is that isn't true, yes we've had our issues, but I am a pretty honest person.  People who know me tell me that I am very honest and genuine, which I really try to be.  I've reached a point with my GF that I don't try to prove my innocents anymore when she tells me how I'm not.  I have no more energy or interest in trying to talk to her about this and honestly I find it quite demeaning.

Ok to the text thread I'm looking for some input on. 

8:04 PM - Her - Did u get my note?

8:05 PM - Me - Hey baby yes I saw it

9:40 PM - Me - I love you

10:03 PM - Her - I love you

10:39 PM - Her - I am not sure what to do when you say nothing to me baby about my note or after the meeting or about any thing it makes me feel out of control.  I'm trying not to cause any issues.

10:42 PM - Me - I'm sorry it does that to you.  I also am trying to not cause issues and be sensitive to you needing to leave.  I love you very much.

10:43 PM - Her - If we can't talk together.  And I need resolution and feel unable to get some things I need and you feel unheard and unsupported and on and on... . then what should we do?

10:48 PM - Me - I'm not sure

10:53 PM - Her - Until we reach a place of better communication, it may be better for us to think about trying the lesser contact schedule.  I wish we still did the things email.  I hope we can get to a better place of communication and honesty about what each of us is able to do and not do.  You say I always have an issue... . and I guess it's because fundamentally I don't feel "right" or "okay"... . sadly I always do feel that "nagging" that there is something wrong.  I keep thinking that chaos will fix it.  Because it's my tool.  I know now that it won't.  I keep wanting you to "do" something about it.  To stop my feeling.  I keep thinking it's this, it's that, it's anything other than what it might really be.  I'm scared.  I want you to make it ok.  I know you can't.  I guess it's just the truth.  I always have an issue because there is something that isn't quite right, something is nagging at me in my tummy.  It hurts.

10:56 PM - Me - Ok if that's what you need I will support you.

10:57 PM - Her - K well I said maybe WE should address it as an idea.  And you didn't say anything about anything else I said.

10:58 PM - Me - I'm sorry you feel that way about things.  I really am.  I love you very much.  I'll do what you need.

10:59 PM - Her - K

How did I handle this? 

There hasn't been any more communication sense.  Today I have a bunch of things I need to do so I really don't plan on engaging with her.  As history has shown me, it won't be long before she starts picking at me.

[JustDontKn0w]

I'm looking for some input on this conversation I had with my dBPDgf last night over text.  I am really trying my best to not get sucked into her emotional black hole.  I'm really trying to let her know I feel for her and I love her but am don't want to give into any of her emotional blackmail.  That said, I am constantly left second guessing my responses and wondering if I "did something wrong".  Life with a BPD is exhausting and I'm reaching a point where I just don't care anymore (another topic).

Anyway some background on this conversation.  She was over at my house and like normal has some "issue" that is not "resolved" for her between us.  At the moment I can't even recall what it is because there is always something.  I was planning to go some where and originally she had asked to come over and stay while I go and then we would be together when I got back (about 90 minutes).  By the time I was ready to go she was doing her thing with me and I wasn't doing whatever she needed to resolve whatever issue she had.  She decided she needed to leave and go home for a timeout.  I was fine with it and didn't fight it or anything.  Knowing her I knew she wouldn't be back and honestly if she needed a timeout and needed to go home great, but at the same time I wasn't going to reach out and try to pull her back in.  I left for my meeting and when I returned home she had left me a note saying how she needed to leave to not cause chaos, etc, etc.  Awesome and fine with me.  I made dinner for myself, checked some emails, and watched a bit of TV. 

As I expected it didn't take long for the text messages to start from her doing what I call emotional blackmail.

As you read this some more background here.  She has come to decide I am this deceitful person who has lied to her about anything and everything.  The reality is that isn't true, yes we've had our issues, but I am a pretty honest person.  People who know me tell me that I am very honest and genuine, which I really try to be.  I've reached a point with my GF that I don't try to prove my innocents anymore when she tells me how I'm not.  I have no more energy or interest in trying to talk to her about this and honestly I find it quite demeaning.

Ok to the text thread I'm looking for some input on. 

8:04 PM - Her - Did u get my note?

8:05 PM - Me - Hey baby yes I saw it

9:40 PM - Me - I love you

10:03 PM - Her - I love you

10:39 PM - Her - I am not sure what to do when you say nothing to me baby about my note or after the meeting or about any thing it makes me feel out of control.  I'm trying not to cause any issues.

10:42 PM - Me - I'm sorry it does that to you.  I also am trying to not cause issues and be sensitive to you needing to leave.  I love you very much.

10:43 PM - Her - If we can't talk together.  And I need resolution and feel unable to get some things I need and you feel unheard and unsupported and on and on... . then what should we do?

10:48 PM - Me - I'm not sure

10:53 PM - Her - Until we reach a place of better communication, it may be better for us to think about trying the lesser contact schedule.  I wish we still did the things email.  I hope we can get to a better place of communication and honesty about what each of us is able to do and not do.  You say I always have an issue... . and I guess it's because fundamentally I don't feel "right" or "okay"... . sadly I always do feel that "nagging" that there is something wrong.  I keep thinking that chaos will fix it.  Because it's my tool.  I know now that it won't.  I keep wanting you to "do" something about it.  To stop my feeling.  I keep thinking it's this, it's that, it's anything other than what it might really be.  I'm scared.  I want you to make it ok.  I know you can't.  I guess it's just the truth.  I always have an issue because there is something that isn't quite right, something is nagging at me in my tummy.  It hurts.

10:56 PM - Me - Ok if that's what you need I will support you.

10:57 PM - Her - K well I said maybe WE should address it as an idea.  And you didn't say anything about anything else I said.

10:58 PM - Me - I'm sorry you feel that way about things.  I really am.  I love you very much.  I'll do what you need.

10:59 PM - Her - K

How did I handle this? 

There hasn't been any more communication sense.  Today I have a bunch of things I need to do so I really don't plan on engaging with her.  As history has shown me, it won't be long before she starts picking at me.

[tired-of-it-all]

I think that you did very well.  You were mature and calm and did not seem to get suckered into the vortex of her chaos.  The only time that you approached the edge of the cliff was when you said, "…I'll do what you need."  That may be impossible and it is not really your responsibility to fulfill her needs. 

I have mentioned on this forum before that I attend alanon meetings.  They help me detach from the chaos of my BPDWife and her mind games.  I was once in a very frustrating telephone conversation with her.  It was going nowhere and I was spiraling downhill quickly.  I hung up the phone.  I just hung it up and threw it in the floor of my car.  She kept calling back and I didn't answer.  The feeling was amazing.  I thought to myself, "why haven't I done this before?"  It was so simple.

In one of my alanon groups we have a saying, ":)rop the rope!".  In other words, don't play tug of war with the people.  Don't engage with them.  You can't have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

We also talk about the three "C's".  We didn't Cause it.  We can't Control it.  We can't Cure it.  Their happiness is not our responsibility.  Their bad behavior really isn't our business.  There is another "C".  It is that we can Contribute to the problem by enabling.  All that we can do is protect ourselves from their abuse and detach from their emotional trauma. 

Hang in there you seem to be handling this pretty well.

[Blackadder]

You did fine, but do you really want to keep having these conversations that are the same every time you have them? 

The three 'C's are well worth keeping in mind.

I have been criticised, picked on and moaned at for years, and there really is no upside to it at all.