Where did I screw up?

[maxsterling]

Despite being together for an entire year, my sister and my BPDgf have never met.  Some background:

- My GF has a negative opinion of my sister already because of stories I have told regarding my sister's dysfunctional family.

- There have been two family birthday parties in which my GF had an opportunity to meet my sister, but my GF declined to go.

- My sister was invited to my house for Thanksgiving, but turned down at the last minute.

- At one point a few months ago when my GF was really pressuring marriage, I said that I would like her to at least meet my sister first, to which my GF apparently interpreted as some kind of game or criteria that must be met before we can get married.  I was only trying to illustrate "slow down, we barely know each other".

We've been talking about the two of them meeting for the past few weeks, and at one point my GF said that it's up to me to arrange something and to quit stalling.  My GF told me yesterday of her Saturday plan for around noon.  Today my sister said that she was free on Saturday, and suggested we go for a hike.  I texted my GF (can't really call from work).  I said this:

"I think (my sister) is going to come over on Saturday morning and bring two of her kids and we will go hiking.  We probably won't be back before you (have your other other plans).  If you want to join us, I can ask that we wait until afternoon, or maybe we can all have lunch together?"

BIG disregulation followed.  Uggh.  I can see why, but still it's frustrating.  I'm just not sure if doing anything any differently would have helped.  Either way, she would be anxious about meeting my sister.   I mentioned that I had plans and then asked my GF to join us.  She interpreted that as me thinking of her as an afterthought, which of course was not the case.  But once the disregulation door was open, I got all sorts of comments and ultimatums about how I am just stringing her along and that if I don't propose to her by fall she will leave.

I tried calming her with SET, but she's still upset.  Maybe just time to be quiet and let things cool off for a few hours?

[tired-of-it-all]

You are not obligated to make a relationship work between your GF and your sister.  Your GF is obviously threatened by your sister and that is not your fault nor the fault of your sister.  It is a part of your GF's mental illness.  Having told your GF some things about your sister does not make you a bad person.  If you were in a relationship with a normal GF, it would be fine to confide some of the dysfunctional failures of your sister's life.  Your BPDGF will try to blackmail you with this information.  Don't let that bother you.  Don't be concerned in the least.  This is a part of her disease.

Where you went wrong is in expecting your GF to behave in a normal, rational manner.  It ain't gonna happen.  Don't let it bother you.

Where you really went wrong is having this relationship in the first place.  Why do you want to be in this situation with this GF?  I have been married to someone like this for years.  I wish that I had known then what I know now.  I certainly would not be in this marriage.  Once we move forward and allow our lives to become more and more entangled, it becomes even harder to make the break.

Good luck.

[AchingHeart]

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

As tire-of-it-all pointed out it seems to be a part of their mental illness.

I have a somewhat similar experience, except for the fact that I told her from the beginning that family is and will always be first. Living far from them if any of them needs me, I'll take the first plane.

I told her that and she didn't seem phased or didn't seem to be bothered by it which was a good sign for me.

I started sharing the conversations that my sister and I had over the phone/Skype. That's when I noticed it somehow bothered her. Me and my sister grew up together so we're very close.

We phone/skype each other regularly, just checking on each other and keeping up to date with each other's lives. My GF started making comments that really creeped me out. She was insinuating that maybe my love for my sister was not healthy, that there was some sort of incest going on.

I told her right there that I would not accept nonsense talk about me and my sister's relationship.

She stopped and never said anything mainly because she sensed/saw that I would pick them over her in a heartbeat.

When they met, they actually got along great. Now that I think about it, I don't know if she pretended to like her for me or if she actually really got along with her.

She just felt threatened by my sister just like she's felt threatened by any and all my lady friends.

The way I took care of it was that I simply stopped talking about my sister to her after that episode.

I'd bring some of our conversations up now and then but not nearly as much as I used to when we first started dating.

Nothing changed in my relationship with my sister however.

Family, is there before, during and after a relationship. In my eyes they will ALWAYS be first.

[maxsterling]

Well, they just met.  We met for breakfast.  Of course, there was a big deal beforehand because of the hiking thing, then GF upset because she thought I changed my plan because of her (well, I kinda did).

But the meeting and breakfast went really well!  And I was so happy and relieved it went well, and it gave me hope that I could move forward.  Not just this, but yesterday was really good, and I felt I was seeing some behavioral pattern changes... .   then... . we got home.

And disregulation.  WTH.  We had a great time.  GF was then upset over the SAME thing - she has no commitment for me.  It's just so backwards.  She sees meeting my sister as something she is doing to get me to commit.  Umm.  No, that's just something that has to happen anyway, because it is inevitable.  She can't see this as a step towards commitment?  Hurts so bad to hear her talk like that.  So invalidating of ME claiming that I am not doing anything - well, what is SHE doing?  All she claims is that she is "waiting" for me.  The real thing is - it's jealousy.  GF even explained it this way.  My sister has 3 kids, is younger, thin, and has a new car.  Ugh.  Can't live in the moment and be happy for what she has.  I reminded her that my sister has had cars repossessed, works a crappy job, has an NPD husband who drinks and cheats and that just made my GF feel worse.

Time to just let it go and let her calm down on her own, I guess. 

[tired-of-it-all]

max,

Do not criticize your sister to make your GF feel better.  She will use this against you one day.  Your sister's successes or failures have no bearing on your GF and her self worth.  If you do these things to appease the GF she will use this against you in future conversations (or arguments).  If you compliment your sister she will say that you lied when you said the sister had problems.  If you criticize your sister, she will say that you are always criticizing your poor sister and can't see the good in anyone.  It is a downward spiral.  IF GIVES THE BPD POWER OVER YOU THAT SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE.  You have to be healthy regardless of GF's reaction. 

I have been there and done that.  I finally realized that I was digging a deeper hole for myself.

[Pecator]

Maxter, you are my hero.

I have read and learned from so many of your posts... . Then you open your life and allow us to see your struggle.

You so clearly have a handle on this whole "BPD thing." You have amazing insights to the struggle others face and amazing tools to deal with your own. It leaves me wondering how you do it... . as well as the nagging question, "why?"

I get the reason why. I long for the days of waking up to see my ex's face next to mine. I long for the days when I would open my lunch and find the sweetest post-it-note that enlivened my day. I miss the moments of talking to colleagues from the "we" perspective rather than the "ex" perspective.

Then I read your current struggles and that nagging question begs attention, Why?

My sister has been the saving grace in my life. We have been so close as long as I can remember. However I have always lived far away from her and all of my family. My ex had three chances to meet her. The first was confounded by a "double blind" which I didn't understand at the time. The second actually happened at a good time and seemed to be positive. The third, however, I blame/thank my sister for being the reason for the last b/u.

My sister came to where I live now to get married. Her partner of nine years got laid-off. This was an inspiration for them to examine their life and make official what they both felt in their hearts. Marriage would affirm their desire to live together through thick and thin (it would also give my sister's benefits at her work to him ).

When I told my ex of this plan, she totally freaked. "What? Do you think this is a good idea? That is a stupid reason to marry. You don't support this do you?" Even then, before I found this place, I could see this shamed my ex. In tough times people in the deep love we shared struggle together. At every hint of difficulty, my ex bolted.

I found an email at that time from my ex to her sister which said, "that fat b**ch is probably at my house expecting to stay here and eat my food." My sister, and now brother-in-law, reserved the honeymoon suite at the Hilton with no expectation of relying on my ex, and my sister is (not that that matters, but only to illustrate irony) not as heavy-set as the sister to whom my ex was complaining.

My only point here is this stuff is crazy-makingly unpredictable. I don't know how you do it.

Knowing how much knowledge you bring, I appreciate hearing how much you still have to struggle.

I hope to learn so much from all here that have such great insight. Although, my ex has completely eliminated me from her life.

I still harbour the chance to practice what I have learned with my my ex.

Thanks to your sharing your experiences, there still remains that nagging (yet probably healthier) question of "Why?"

[maxsterling]

Why?  Tough question.  Because some days I feel like she is on the road forward.  Yesterday, for example was the best day in months.  And because, BPD aside, there are a few qualities in her that I really don't think I will find anywhere else.  And interestingly the past few months, I've come to really like and value her as a friend.  And that's strange, because there were a few months where I just dreaded even being around her because she was soo needy and soo depressive.  Yeah, I still had feelings for her during that rough time, but honestly the reason I came to this website, and started using the tools was because I felt changing the relationship situation at that time was not an option because I literally would have been putting a suicidal woman with no family out on the street.  ANd if I was forced to deal with her under my roof, I might as well make the best of it.

But on the flip side, logic says a "good day" does not mean she is on the road forward.  I still don't see the changes in behavioral patterns.  No, she's not as depressed, does not get as angry or for as long, but it's clear that she still doesn't see that she is in control of her own life and her happiness is up to her.  She's still looking for people or things to help her, rather than looking for internal change.  And the unique qualities?  You know, I once said that about an ex, too, who turned out to be an abusive narcissist...   In every person you will find unique qualities that you won't find elsewhere.  And have her as a friend?  Well, I have plenty of friends, and they come and go. 

So the reality, I sat there at breakfast with my sister this morning and her kids and thought - wait, yesterday was quite good, and this morning is turning out better than I expected, and my mind immediately started thinking of a good and happy future with this woman that was possible.  And an hour later, she was disregulating with the same issue of projecting her past misery way out into the future, not able to simply say "I had a nice time meeting your sister" and just leave it at that.  Worrying about the future that hasn't come and blaming me for not being able to reach said future, and overlooking the peaceful fun morning we just had.  Yeah, that fast - as soon as we shut the car door to leave.

And in the middle of it all, she kept saying, "I'm not going to wait around for you as your girlfriend forever.  I have no evidence that you want to commit.  If you haven't proposed by this fall I'm leaving, and I may even leave before that."  And while she was reciting that, sitting on the moisture on the tip of my tongue was, "I don't like being given ultimatums, and if this is the way you view this relationship, I am afraid it needs to be over now."  But I didn't say it.

And now she is apologizing for being negative and pressuring me. 

So why?  Geez.  In the middle of breakfast this morning I was thinking I should really read up on the tools and move to the staying board.  An hour later I was about to "hell with the tools" and feeling jealous of those on the leaving board.  And now that she's had a while to cool down and go to an AA meeting, I realize I'm still stuck on undecided - for now.