Please understand that this is a spectrum disorder.
This is simply my case. I have read so many examples of abuse here. In the majority of cases, breaking N/C can open one up to abuse that no one deserves. DO NOT BREAK N/C IF IT MAKES YOU VULNERABLE.
My uBPDex is very high functioning. While I suffered much abuse in the relationship, when she has her space the most abuse I face is her normalizing the chaos ("well, sometimes relationships just don't work out.", eradicating me from her life (recommending to a mutual friend a resort she stayed at with her S14 last summer. The three of us spent that week there), and the silent treatment.
So I broke N/C last weekend and was able to feel more detached, yet it led me to wonder about what must be a fallacy that "high-functioning" pwBPD may be easier to make work.
Before I get into what happened, I owe it to the helpful thread of "my part" to state some things.
My Part.
I knew my replacement was away for the week on a conference.
I knew my ex was planning a an evening of getting drunk and dancing (out of character for her)
I knew my ex began devaluing him from a quote "he is quite a workaholic. I see why his wife cheated on him)
-------
So yes, this was engulfing, if not manipulating. I do get that... . But Jeeze... . it has been four months!
I sent her an email in what I knew would be the middle of a questioning night for her. I used much of what I learned here about validating fears rather than arguing truth. It was a lovely email talking about our <pet name> moments and my struggle to reconcile how we ended (not saying "she ended". I took on more responsibility than I should on account of how I argued facts while she needed assurance to assuage her fear.
I know she read it during her night out.
I got her response the next day. Not sure when she sent it, I was in a conference.
It was a stunningly long. It began simply "Hi"
Then it went into how the whole relationship going wrong was my fault. My immediate reaction was to counter her twisting facts, her not understanding the whole picture... . but it didn't last long. Before I knew it, what I have learned kicked in. I suddenly began to recognize things like "double blinds" and "gas lighting.' I skipped mostly through the message in detached mode.
I noticed at the end she said she would put a piece of mail that came for me in the box on Monday (this was Saturday). I also noticed she tried to call me. I know... . but this was the first time she called me in months. I called her. She said I could come pick up my mail. There was miscommunication and I thought that she was going to run errands and meet me later. An hour and a half later she texted me "going to run errands, do you want to get it later?" No reason not to just put it in the mailbox for me to pick it up. I texted back, "I'm close." To which she replied, "Great, come now." (So she stopped blocking my texts)
Three weeks ago she stated that she would not stand in the way of the relationship I have with her kids. She even went so far as understanding that my being the only ex willing to ease their distress over the breakup would be healthy. However, if the boys and I make plans, I was to pick them up at the nearby McD's. She did not want me coming to the house. I was trustworthy enough to continue a relationship to her kids, but not to come near her house?
So, I totally expected to arrive at her door and hand me the mail. Instead, she opened wide the door and invited me in. I was quite surprised, even more so when she invited me to sit and have a drink.
I felt fairly detached, her beauty was not a lure, nor being in the home where we shared so much peace. We had a lovely conversation. We talked of family and mutual friends. At one point she abruptly stopped the conversation to say, "I am sure you got my email. I know it was harsh. But you know I am blunt and to the point. I have to say the truth."
Recognizing triggers, I said, "<pet name>, just breathe. We can deal with all of that later. I appreciate being able to hear about everyone (who once were my life!). We can talk about all that after we have had space to breathe."
"Well, I just want you to know, it's not like I think I'm perfect."
My Part"<pet name> I encourage you to compare the two emails." I pulled out the email on my cell phone. "There is nothing here that indicates 'you are not perfect.'" We broke off such talk and continued to have a great conversation.
-------I spent the next half-hour connecting with her boys (which she used to reference as "our boys."
It was all good. I felt so detached from the trauma bond. Love the kids, still love her, but not willing to play the game any more.
(The only emotional trigger came when S14 came running out of the house as I was getting in my car because we hadn't said goodbye)
I made it a couple of blocks thinking of how I would post here expressing my joy over the feeling of detachment I just experienced. It only lasted a few blocks. I haven't posted this for a week because I spent my energy wondering if her being "high-funtioning," the abuse being only "subtle," and my learning so much could make this work.
damn this ___ is tiring.
I don't know what to do
