Still hanging in there

[Knowingishalf]

It has been some time since I have stopped by the boards here.  In the last week so many interesting developments have occurred I felt getting somebody's opinion on the topic would be nice.  Last week we finally settled custody and have an order for 50/50.  We have a short list hearing to dispute the mortgage deviation she was awarded because she didn't pay the mortgage one time.  She is basically taking money to pay the house and pocketing it.  Now she demands to save the house, I could care less given the discharged bankruptcy but this opened a door.  We offered the money to get the mortgage current in exchange for the final settlement.  All the sudden she goes bananas... . (I'm sure this is a theme around here).

Her lawyer is asking about imaginary assets, 401k accounts that don't exist and savings accounts that also don't exist.  I have 0 assets, well a camera.  That's it.  I also know she now is telling my daughter they are moving soon and its my fault.  Then today her lawyer informed me that if she can't save the house she plans to move states 1 week after signing a custody order stating she can't... . She currently takes home way more than I do given the support she was awarded which is brutal, if she just saves the money she is getting she could afford rent anywhere. I am so confused at her insanity.  We have also heard that her lawyer doesn't think she will be around much longer hinting at lack of pay.  Her legal defense at the custody was my parents were rude to her and her other famous legal defense is I blind sided her, which as far as I know isn't legal grounds for anything... .

Does this get any less crazy?

[marbleloser]

"Last week we finally settled custody and have an order for 50/50."

Was this settled in mediation,or was there a trial?

Who has primary of the kids? I'm assuming she does.

What's the schedule look like? How much time do you get with the kids?

Right now,if she's planning on moving,you need to file a motion to enforce the decrees moving stipulation.

Her atty is bluffing you into getting you to pay more for the house,so she doesn't take the child away from you.

Call his bluff with a motion to enforce and use his email(I hope he informed you by email) as documentation of proof.

[Nope]

The reason the lawyer is backing her on all these claims of 401ks and trying to the point of being unethical to get you to pay for the house is probably because, like you said, he is worrying about getting paid. Money needs to be found quickly and it obviously won't be coming out of her pocket.

I second the idea of calling her bluff with a motion to enforce. But only if you have evidence that she or her lawyer has talked about her moving out of state.

The crummy part about lawyers quitting is that she can delay almost any process asking for time to find a new one.

[Knowingishalf]

Custody is set with the court and has been entered as a court order.  We are at a true 50 50 no one has primary and I have more days a year by a few.  We are on a 2,2,5,5 for the most part so really close to a 50,50 as you can get.  Her lawyer told mine of her intention to move out of state.  She is trying to save a house she hasn't been paying for and I have no intention to save unless she takes my offer... .

[ForeverDad]

You have a 3 year old daughter.  When you both are working then who cares for your daughter?  Relatives, friends a sitter or daycare?  I ask simply to show that you wife can be away from 'her' child some of the time.  Also, being with other children is good socialization for her development.

Has either of you been assigned as the Residential Parent (RP)?  Some states call it Residential Parent for School Purposes.  The typical use is that it determines which school your child attends.  I think you need to try to be RP so if she does move, your child stays with you.  She will resist that if she knows what RP means, so don't explain the full ramifications of it.  If she has RP or she seems likely to want it or get it, can you make a deal to give her a little more money in exchange for you taking RP status?  I think it would be worth it.

If RP has not yet been declared yet, now's a good time to do that (if you can become the RP) since soon your child can attend preschool and then kindergarten.

My story... . During my divorce process, my ex obstructed and delayed the entire two years since the temp order was favorable to her.  On Trial Morning, when she was likely to lose that favored status, I was greeted with the news she finally wanted to settle.  I had just one major condition for settlement:  I had to be Residential Parent.  She literally begged.  Both lawyers including mine said it meant nothing.  I held firm.  So we settled and I became RP.  After the final decree I made open enrollment application with her school, who claimed before the trial they had resolved all prior issues with mother, for our son to finish his kindergarten year there.  Within two months she had created enough scenes at her local school that I was notified I had to go and register my son immediately in my own school district.  They gave me one day to get it done, despite only 5 or 6 weeks remaining for the school year.  Oh, yeah, I was justified to have RP status, even though we had Shared Parenting.  SP failed of course and so I started the lengthy process to get custody.  Custody alone didn't work and so I started the lengthy process to get majority time as well.  There are still issues between us parents, but over time the court granted me more and more authority in our child's life, a real benefit for him.

[marbleloser]

"Custody is set with the court and has been entered as a court order.  We are at a true 50 50 no one has primary and I have more days a year by a few. "

Are you sure you don't have a temporary order for custody?

You're still discussing financials,so you can't have a divorce decree,signed by the judge,in hand.

[Knowingishalf]

No we were under a temp now is is the final until someone motions to modify.  States shared no one has been declared yet for school purposes.  I am holding on that because she is going to lose her house soon and the arguing then will be easier due to stability.  The order states shared legal and shared physical custody on a 2,2,5,5.  I don't see how she could consider leaving after signing that last week... .

[ForeverDad]

Hmm... . Do your best to keep your child local.  You may not be able to stop a judge from granting her an exit w/child but at least don't agree to it.  (Judges prefer settlements and agreements, they can't be appealed and so they're hard to undo.)  When might you be able to enroll D into preschool?  Check your local schools, Head Start or daycares, be prepared, know your options before walking into family court.  Remember that you may have to file for Residential Parent a few months beforehand in order to give time for the court process to work through to hearings and get a decision.  Yes, show you're the stable person, that will help your efforts - or a lousy judge could order you to just pay more to your disadvantaged ex.

[Knowingishalf]

She is in daycare, in a location between the two houses, it will be some time before other school.  We both work so she is equally in school with each of us.

[Matt]

If she moves do you think she would take the child?

If she moves but doesn't take the child, that could be good - she'll be with you more, and after a while you can ask the court for full custody.

But if you think she might take your daughter, that could complicate things a lot.

[ForeverDad]

Don't be guilted into thinking children are always better off with their mothers.  The was the theme in yesteryear's Tender Years Doctrine.  It used to be a century ago Fathers were always in charge, then Mothers always in charge, now it's slowly morphing to something in between.

So don't be timid and accept being told Mother Knows Best.  (Remember that old TV show, Father Knows Best?  Seems it's mostly forgotten these days.)  If you feel your daughter's best interests place her with you solidly in her life, then be assertive and state so, to the lawyers, to the evaluators, to the judge.  Be polite of course but firm.  Stand tall, don't be intimidated or cowed.

In describing your relationship with your daughter, rather than saying you need her (you are not needy!) instead say she needs you as a stable parent deeply involved in her life.

[marbleloser]

Temp orders usually become final,so make sure you take advantage and use all of your visitation with the child.(I hate the word "visitation".She isn't visiting!)

If mom  gives up time,document it.

You're in a VERY good situation having temp orders for a little more than 50/50. You getting more days is setting you up for primary.

[marbleloser]

BTW,the longer you can drag out this schedule,the better for you. You're establishing status quo as primary.

[marbleloser]

"I don't see how she could consider leaving after signing that last week... . "

Material change in circumstances. She's about to lose the house and she'll argue that she has to move for a job.The signing of not moving won't matter,due to the "material change in circumstances". That's all that's needed to modify and her atty knows this.

Her losing the house won't make her a bad parent in the courts eyes and the kids follow the parents,regardless of home situation,unless it's in a shack with no water or electricity. Housing has no relationship to stability,so keep that in mind and come up with a game plan.

At the first documentable proof that she's planning a move,you need to file a motion to enforce and include that documentation in the motion.

You're in a good place. You just need to stay on your toes,because they may be trying to go around the orders. She'll probably have to give you notice of the move,by law. If she doesn't,you'll be in an even better position. If she does,you'll probably have 30 days to respond and object to the move.

[ForeverDad]

My ex has moved and earlier this year was the third time, back into my county.  She did file with the court, but she failed to list anyone to be notified, court didn't bother to notify the legal guardian (me), my preteen of course wasn't going to tell me about her life and so I never found out about her move until afterward.  No one seems to care but me.  Oh, and she provided an invalid address to the court, not a major issue but still.

What might help you eventually is to meanwhile document her unstable life, her obstruction of your parenting, etc.  Focus more on how your daughter is impacted than just on how ex treats you, courts care more about the parenting behaviors than the adult behaviors.  (My custody evaluator noted that "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... . If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody."  However, I found that despite courts professing to be technically gender neutral, in my court the unwritten and unspoken preference for mothers ruled the roost.

In my case, it took 30 minutes for my ex to walk out with temporary custody and majority time, despite nothing bad established about me.  Now eight year later I've finally reversed that but, despite how bad she looks to the court, the latest order is still more favorable to her than the temp one was to me.

Temp (2005-2008): I had alternate weekends and an evening in between.  Period.

Now (2014): She has alternate weekends and two afternoon/evenings in between during the school year, she has equal time during summers.