Codependency, Cruelty and Silent Treatment

[Take2]

I normally post on the leaving board as I've been trying to detach from my ex for so long.  For so many, many recycles.  I have been working for a long time with my therapist and now a 12 step program to work thru my codependency with my ex.  But ever since I found out that he was seeing someone without telling me (found out from a coworker) - as he lied to me telling me he wasn't talking to anyone - but turned out that within a couple weeks they'd already said the I Love Yous... .   I have totally flipped into this crazy ex of begging him to be with me.  I don't know how this happened.  I guess my codependency turned back on BIG TIME.  And while at times he has been quite loving and saying how he will break up with her for me, she doesn't turn him on at all, etc.  Oh that the truly believable one - that he's only slept with her one time.  Right.  She's texting him pix of bride and groom mickey mouse ears that she saw in a store - and they say I love you - but they've only slept together once in two months?  Not the guy I know... .   of course he's NOT the guy I know anymore.

I knew it was coming but 4 weeks ago he got so mad at me over some perceived slight, insisting that I threw myself at his boss at a company dinner (I barely spoke to the boss), I just made the huge mistake of sitting next to the guy at the table.  I knew better but I was very frazzled when arriving at the dinner as the ex had pushed into me at the office with a menacing look as I walked down the hall as he was accusing me of texting a different male coworker - which I wasn't doing... . and then he raged before we left to head to dinner.  On our separate drive to the restaurant I tried calling him to smooth things over before we got there but he raged further, telling me he was going to report me to HR for accusing him of physical assault (I did no such thing).

Then he hung up on me.  He has follow thru with other threats in the past so my fear was obvious.  He is a phenomenal liar.  And I've read so many stories on here about how partners with BPD have filed false restraining orders or gotten their non-partners fired... .   Anyway - since that dinner I have been totally shut out.  Except for the multiple times he's slept with me and uses that to say he's trying for us. 

Right now - he's totally shut me out.  He has blocked my phone number so we can't text - but he and I have talked over work and personal email.  It was such a brutally painful week since he started this "final" shutout the day after we spent all Sunday afternoon together and he said he loves me.  I am embarrassed at my reaction of begging him to talk to me, to see that I'm the one who loves him and understands him etc etc etc.

I suffer so  much more from his silent treatment than his rages - and he knows it. 

I finally reached a place Thursday night where I sent a goodbye email - I said I understand that based on his feelings he needs to move on.  That despite how much this is destroying me, that I want him to be happy and always have.  That was it. 

So what was the response?  yesterday he emailed and said he and the new girl are no longer seeing each other as of this week.  Of course this sounds typical to keep me as back up I know.  But when I foolishly tried to talk to him at work after that, he could not have been more cruel.  He has completely turned into the absolute meanest person I've ever met.  Like something off a bad TV movie.  There have been no arguments - my only pathetic contact attempts were all trying to make him see how much i love and understand him. 

I don't even know why I'm posting this.  I'm embarrassed to still be tangled up in this.  It's beyond abusive with cruelty toward me.  I don't want this.  Yet I'm still here.  I do actually feel stronger having witnessed him so outrageously mean to me yesterday.  But I guess I want to know if anyone can comment on why he would tell me about the break up yet continue to be SO mean... . ?

[tired-of-it-all]

BPD's are experts at mind games and that is what he is playing.  You are bound by the truth and he is not.  As soon as you figure out the game he will change the rules.  

A 12 step program is great.  I go to alanon which is actually for families and friends of alcoholics.  It is a huge help with my BPDWife.  

I have found that my greatest challenge in life is accepting who the people that I love really are and that they are not who I thought they were.  They are not who I wanted them to be.  It is tough and there is a lot of grief involved.

My wife is not who I want her to be.  She does not care about me.  I pretend that she does and pretend that she loves me the way a spouse should love the other partner.  My pretense is a symptom of my own insanity.  My wife also gives me the silent treatment.  When that doesn't work she tries different games.

We never have a normal, mature conversation in an attempt to resolve problems in a rational manner.  It is never going to happen.  Since my time in alanon, I no longer care and no longer feel drawn to her company.  I am no longer so co-dependent.  Nevertheless, I am still in the marriage.  That is something that I cannot explain to myself but I am working toward the right solution.

Your situation sounds very similar.  Stick with that 12 step program.  Go to as many meetings as you can.  Go to several a week.  If you can't find a number of co-dependent programs, try alanon.  There are lots of meetings out there and the program is very similar.  You will find the real you in that program and you will stop being so needy.  I have seen it work many, many times in peoples lives.

[Take2]

Thanks Tired-of-it-All... .   I appreciate your response... .   it's been a really rough day today... . hoping to gain strength with each day that passes and I don't hear from him.  I have had several people mention alanon to me as being very helpful.  Do you have to have a family member or friend that's an alcoholic to go there though?  there are far more meetings for it than the codependants anonymous groups. 

[tired-of-it-all]

You don't have to have an alcoholic in your family to be accepted in alanon.  However, you probably have one without realizing it.

It is important to find a group that you like.  I have been to many different meetings.  On very rare occasions I have been in a group that I didn't enjoy.  Don't stay in something like that.  Find another group.  The vast majority are great.

We have a saying:  Try 6 meetings. If it doesn't work for you we will give you your misery back.

I hope you try alanon.  It has worked miracles for many people.

Good luck.

[Split black]

You don't have to have an alcoholic in your family to be accepted in alanon.  However, you probably have one without realizing it.

It is important to find a group that you like.  I have been to many different meetings.  On very rare occasions I have been in a group that I didn't enjoy.  Don't stay in something like that.  Find another group.  The vast majority are great.

We have a saying:  Try 6 meetings. If it doesn't work for you we will give you your misery back.

I hope you try alanon.  It has worked miracles for many people.

Good luck.

I think you have to be fundamentally SANE for a group meeting of any kind.

My exBPDgf actually goes to meetings sometimes... . ( when she is mirroring her main alcoholic ex bf who she is now back with after cheating on him with me for a year an god knows how many others... . all the while maintaining her clandestine relationship with him, behind my back... . )

Anyway... . yeah, she used this one last particular meeting to convince herself that I once again am the evil bad guy demon monster, that she was in love with the day before... . somehow she twisted or shape shifted whatever this meeting was about as fuel to lie, manipulate, and cheat... . AND then project it onto me... .   so I guess Im now black for life. Hopefully shes clean and sober now... .   she and he may believe this is the reason for her misery... . the substance abuse dumb's down the BPD and anxiety disorder, but there is no hope without at least getting clean... .

[tired-of-it-all]

Many substance abusers are "self medicating".  In other words, they have mental illness and they get drunk or take drugs to try to deal with their illness.  This makes for double trouble.  Even sober, they are still mentally ill. 

As far as your ex in the alanon meeting or the AA meeting, the other member see through this game.  Most of the old hands in either of the programs have been through a lot and are hard to fool.  It is sad that your ex cannot see the truth and cannot get better.

For years I wanted my BPDWife to attend alanon.  It was my great fantasy that she would get better and that we would have a happy life.  One of the old alanon Ninja's told me that I was crazy to want her to attend.  She said that my wife would learn just enough to be dangerous; to make my life even harder.

I have only two choices:  detachment or divorce.  For now I am using detachment.  Today was a good day and today is really all we ever have.