not going well

[ProfDaddy]

It has been a frustrating few months, well maybe just a frustrating life overall.  S9 has been in an RTC for 9 months now.  He's diagnosed with "pre borderine tendencies."  In all this time, he still has outbursts requiring a holding about twice a week.  Lots of money spent, he can talk about his feelings, and still shows the same unsafe behaviors.  

D12 is starting to show some progress at home, working through the trauma of having lived with S9 and their BPD mother (divorced 4 years now).  She was very regressed, stuck in a childhood that she couldn't have.  Now showing more responsibility, but often depressed, and often oppositional.  She of course thinks nothing is wrong and resists going to T and resists working with T.

Fiancee lost her mother this year, one of her dogs just died, and she is tired of all the drama.  She feels like my ex and my daughter have all the power in the family.  Constantly wants to create her own battles with them through me.  Has one foot in the relationship and one foot out the door.  We bought a house together last year -- that was a mistake.  She has gone from supportive to burnt out and constantly negative.  She complains about the children's problems, but when I work with T to help them, fiancee says "you never follow through, it won't matter."  She is way too focused on my ex, thinks I need to legally remove the EOW D12 spends with her mother -- since she messed up the children so badly."  That's unreasonable and I draw a hard line there -- my house is my business, their mother's house is not my business.  There aren't limits there, they just play, but it is only 4 days a month, and it is not my business.  Fiancee is just trying to start arguments at this point, wants to devalue me in her own eyes, trying to get me to argue back so that she feels better about leaving.

Well, I'm burnt out and fed up.  Just waiting for fiancee to get both feet out the door, we can sell the house, I'll get an apartment with the children, and get back to life without needless drama from another depressed adult.  In the meantime, living with the ambiguity and bitterness really sucks.  

Also in the short-term, I need to figure out where S9 will be when discharged from the RTC -- do I need 2 bedrooms or 3?  If his behavior continues as is currently, it isn't safe for him to be in my household.  No sense wasting money renting a room for a year he would never use.  

Bottom line, hard lesson learned, I shouldn't trust other people.  The only person that is there for me and my children is me.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lindaura3]

Dear friend,

Although I do not have the same problems that you have, I can relate to what you have to deal with, which is a lot and more than anyone should have to deal with.

I feel that you are right in your assessment that you are the bottom line, but it is good to have support from friends or relatives - just emotional support.

I hope you can find a friend or relative to talk to. Their opinions may not be the best, but if you can get some supportive feelings - loving feelings really help just to keep you grounded, you will do better.  No one knows what you are going through except yourself.  But having someone to confide in does help.

I wish that therapists for our children would be more helpful in handing out tools for us - besides "Make sure she takes her meds" (a sure way to get me killed). 

Sometimes, the hospitals will have a family worker - who can help you when your son is released - how to deal, when not to challenge, when to use validation, etc.

I am new to this site, so I do not understand the abbreviations, but does S9 mean your son is only 9 years old?  Where can he go if he is unsafe inside your home?

My daughter is 37 years old and unsafe to have inside my home, so I rent a separate apartment for her and visit as often as possible when she seems all right and make myself scarce when she turns (slips into a dangerous delusion).

I am beginning to use the tools I have found in this site and I think they are helping me.  Making contact with another parent with a deeply delusional BPD child has helped me greatly.

Trust is a difficult issue.  Trusting your instincts is probably a good idea.  There is a lot of bad advice out there, but there are good resources here and you can use them.

It is all very hard.  Do not give up. Tomorrow is another day.

Good luck to you,

Lindaura

[jellibeans]

Dear prof daddy

I am glad to hear from you... . please reach out more here... I can tell you are at the end of your rope with everything. I am truly sorry things are not going well with your finacee... . it seems like everyone is having a hard time coping.

What does the RTC say about your s9? What was their treatment plan? I know the cost must be high... . have you looked into medicad? I read on here that you can get finacial help when you have a child with an illness that is costing a lot... . I wish I knew the details... . maybe it has something to do with Social security? Sorry I am Canadian and I don't know the USA system well but it was suggested on another post a few months ago.

Do you think you would have better results at a different RTC?

I know you are burnt out right now... . how can you turn that around? Everyone has those days where you are just tired but how can you find your strength again? I have followed your story and it is heartbreaking but you have done everything for your s9 and I know it is a difficult case. Have you thought of going to counseling with your finacee? Maybe this can help? please keep posting... . we are always here for you... .  

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry about what you are going through... .

What options do you have with your S9? Do you think this is not the right RTC for him, or do you think it will take more time for the program to be effective?

As far as moving... . that's a good question, and I am sorry again, that you are in that situation. Can you get into a place where you rent month-to-month without a lease? (I am not sure if that's possible where you live, it's quite common in our area) That would make it easier on you. You could just get a 2 bedroom and move if you needed to.

[qcarolr]

Prof Daddy -

This is such a hard time for you - overwhelmed by all the treasured relationships in your life it seems. Your needs count just as much as everyone else's. What are you doing for yourself?

Is there any kind of group home that would work as a transition for your son? What kind of family involvement is provided while your S is at the RTC? What do they offer as a transition treatment plan? How far away is the RTC?

The pressure with your fiancee is rough. Is it possible for you to talk with her about taking a break with your relationship instead of waiting for her to take this initiative? Are you both willing to work with a counselor during this break to see if things can be worked out or not? There are others here in the step-parent role that might have other ideas in this area.

Please keep coming back. Just sharing about what is troubling in my life helps me to get my thinking better organized and empowers me to make hard choices. Keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[peaceplease]

Prof Daddy,

I am sorry for all that you are going through.  It sounds like it rained and poured.  You have had so much happen.

Has a social worker helped you with any resources for after care treatment for your son?  If he is still having a hold twice a week, then he is not ready for a discharge anytime soon.  Perhaps, a transfer to another facility?  I wonder if you would qualify for any type of medical assistance for your son? 

You are a terrific parent and advocate for your children.  I am sorry that you are feeling so alone with no support.  Please keep coming back.

peace