Handling negative conversations, without triggering escalations

[formflier]

So... spent the morning with my uBPDw.  Went pretty good.  Went to a breakfast and lots of time driving in some pretty country.

A couple times in the drive she gets some issue regarding men on her mind and starts in on them... (men are bad in general).  Why do men go for women like this?  Why do men do this?   All with a negative "slant" to them.

No dysregulation... she was in control. 

I would alternate between "I don't know" and look out window and point out something nice to look at... . and then I would just listen and not say anythings.

In the past (before I knew about BPD) I would say that I didn't think these are appropriate topics to talk about... . and some argument would come.  I'm guessing I invalidated her.

So... the question is... . what do I do with this.  It was never aimed at me... . but kinda ruined a nice morning.  Ruined is probably too strong a word... . but I didn't like it.  Probably because I was wondering when/if a full blow episode was coming.

How do I validate general but negative statements... . ?  What should I do?

[formflier]

Went for walk this morning with uBPDw.  I tried to initiate pleasant conversation about nothing in particular... . look at that interesting tree... . that bird... that whatever.

She persisted on bringing up things in a negative way.

"I bet those cow's are happy because all they have to do is stand in pasture and raise their babies... "  No family dynamics to worry about.  Nobody going to take their child.  Everyone gets divorced anyway... . so maybe artificial insemination is the way to go.  Maybe xxx is the smart one.  (note:  xxx is lady that had this done twice and seems to be the target of my wife's suspicions that I am after xxxx) 


How do I SET things like this? 

This type of conversation went on for a while.  I mostly stayed silent and walked... and then would try to bring up pleasant stuff.

Wife eventually said nobody was doing anything about drugs in our schools.  I pointed out that the Sheriff had recently arrested a bunch of dealers.  She stated I was acting like she had no right to speak her mind... . I told her that "I appreciated... . that that was her opinion".  She stated it wasn't her opinion and said we should just quit talking about it.  I said that would be fine by me.

She then kept talking about it... .   I said that I thought we were going to stop talking about it... . She apparently turned around and walked the other way. 

I was even... calm... . and all of that for about 45 minutes of this type of talk before she turned around. 

I proceeded to complete my walk. 

Apparently she is upstairs in the shower. 

Thoughts?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

In the past (before I knew about BPD) I would say that I didn't think these are appropriate topics to talk about... . and some argument would come.  I'm guessing I invalidated her.

So... the question is... . what do I do with this.  It was never aimed at me... . but kinda ruined a nice morning.  Ruined is probably too strong a word... . but I didn't like it.  Probably because I was wondering when/if a full blow episode was coming.

How do I validate general but negative statements... . ?  What should I do?

I get the same thing... . but I'm not sure it's never aimed at me.  It's just a matter of time between "men are like this" and "I fear you're like this".

I don't even get the option to argue I'm not like whatever... . because according to her it's not about me but how she doesn't measure up to Hollywood's standards (never mind she's 50 with the body of a teenager... . ).

I guess the lack of suggestions suggests there isn't much to do but not engage and then deal with it when it comes... .

[waverider]

If she's not demanding you engage in the 'discussion' don't shes just thinking aloud, and joining in can disrupt her line of thought, risking the invalidation that concerns you. Especially in a car journey.

Distract her when you stop and get out and do something else.

don't attempt to defuse an unexploded bomb in a closed environment

[formflier]

Fade to the movie scene... . guy with wire clippers trying to figure out if you clip the red wire or the blue wire... .

If she's not demanding you engage in the 'discussion' don't shes just thinking aloud, and joining in can disrupt her line of thought, risking the invalidation that concerns you. Especially in a car journey.

Distract her when you stop and get out and do something else.

don't attempt to defuse an unexploded bomb in a closed environment

[Olinda]

Fade to the movie scene... . guy with wire clippers trying to figure out if you clip the red wire or the blue wire... .

this made me laugh. Is exactly how I feel.  Both wires are rigged to blow and all I feel like I am doing is postponing the explosion.  

ARGH.

[waverider]

Thats why you need space to limit and defuse any explosion.  You cant entirely eliminate the risk, so make sure the fall out is minimized as much as possible.

The less episodes affect you, the less primed you are to trigger the next one. The whole thing compounds until you give off troubled vibes (fear/resentment/indecision), which they pick up and can be fuel to the next drama.

If you didn't cause this one you may cause the next one due to carry over baggage. "taking it on the chin" and bottling things up is the biggest cause of this. That is why disengaging and removing yourself early when possible really does make a difference in the long run.

Endless fighting over trivial stuff also causes this