Questioning my BPD Mom's motives

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I have been incredibly busy being super pregnant, due in 7 weeks! So I haven't posted here but I'm looking for guidance. Her therapist evidently diagnosed her with something different, several things actually and I wonder if its because the version of events/feelings experiences he got was different than what we live with. Any who, now that shes is therapy... . she is asking for me and my younger sister to provide her with a list of examples of hateful things that she has said.

1. My own wall of defense I've built, is screaming, ITS A TRAP... ITS A TRAP... .

2. If I don't respond or provide it, I feel like I'm not supporting her in her therapy.

Since she got help, I have been more honest with her about what she has said and when I'm angry. Since part of her issue is rage, and she knows it, her new thing is to say mean things in a passive/calm way and tack on 'but I'm not mad.' So my sister and I say insane things and say but I'm not mad because we think its hilarious... . crazy and sad, but in our own little world of what we deal with hilarious.

Another new focus of hers is to make sure that no one is talking about her outside of the family. Constantly paranoid that people are judging her or I'm telling people about her. No I'm not... . If anything I'm telling one person I confide it because shes hard to deal with and sometimes you need reassurance that you're not who she claims you're being, you know, awful, selfish, etc.

Lastly, I'm at my wits end really... any feedback is welcome and appreciated.

[BabyGirl719]

So, I have been incredibly busy being super pregnant, due in 7 weeks! So I haven't posted here but I'm looking for guidance. Her therapist evidently diagnosed her with something different, several things actually and I wonder if its because the version of events/feelings experiences he got was different than what we live with. Any who, now that shes is therapy... . she is asking for me and my younger sister to provide her with a list of examples of hateful things that she has said.

1. My own wall of defense I've built, is screaming, ITS A TRAP... ITS A TRAP... .

2. If I don't respond or provide it, I feel like I'm not supporting her in her therapy.

Since she got help, I have been more honest with her about what she has said and when I'm angry. Since part of her issue is rage, and she knows it, her new thing is to say mean things in a passive/calm way and tack on 'but I'm not mad.' So my sister and I say insane things and say but I'm not mad because we think its hilarious... . crazy and sad, but in our own little world of what we deal with hilarious.

Another new focus of hers is to make sure that no one is talking about her outside of the family. Constantly paranoid that people are judging her or I'm telling people about her. No I'm not... . If anything I'm telling one person I confide it because shes hard to deal with and sometimes you need reassurance that you're not who she claims you're being, you know, awful, selfish, etc.

Lastly, I'm at my wits end really... any feedback is welcome and appreciated.

[Sitara]

First of all, congrats on the upcoming baby!

I can see why you'd be suspicious. Is there a way you could talk to the therapist and directly give the therapist the list? That way, if it was actually the therapist's idea, you can verify it, and they could discuss whatever it was they wanted to while maybe softening the blow a bit. Or perhaps you could offer to go along to a session if that is something you feel strong enough to do.

I am not familiar enough with therapy, but that does sound a little strange for her to ask for an actual list. I don't particularly trust giving my parents anything in writing because my mom is one to hang on to it forever. Just giving her a list means you have no way of telling if she is sincerely using it to work past her problems or just showing it to her therapist to verify that she's being made a victim. That's a hard one.

[Deb]

It IS a trap! My oldest niece was asked for examples when my dBPD sister was supposedly in therapy. My niece provided her with three examples. At first, my sister was all waify and said, of the mildest one, "I should have apologized for that. Not that she was sorry, but that should have apologized. Than the witch came out and she wrote the ugliest nastiest email about how she wasn't a good mother because my niece was such "a rotten wh$re of a child." Yes, thoise exact words. I saw the email. In fact, I showed it to a friend who was a counselor and she was shocked that a mother could write that to her child.  When my niece didn't respond she got more taunting emails along the lines of "so you can dish it out but you can't take it." My niece had to block her email.

If she is in therapy, maybe you could send it to the therapist. But be very careful what you write to her. With a borderline, anything you write, can and will be used against you.

[DaughterofDD]

Don't do it; trust your instincts!

I agree with Sitara and ask to speak with her therapist directly.  Let her know that you would feel more comfortable talking to her therapist so that therapist can objectively decipher what's what.  Therapist should have no problem calling to speak with you once your mom gives permission (but my guess is she won't).  Regardless, don't write anything down!

BTW, my sister and I do the same thing you mentioned that you do with yours.  It helps us sort it out, try to make sense of things, and ultimately cope with her disorder(s).

Congrats on your soon-to-be new baby!

[Cassy]

I wouldn't even trust the therapist because they often share letters and information (or their interpretation of it) with the patient to gauge response.

Trust your instincts. Even if it's sincere and she doesn't mean to entrap you NOW, it's gonna come back to bite you on the behind big time.