Life After Graduation

[ABelle]

So, it is probably way too early to start thinking about this issue, but it keeps coming up for me as I contemplate my D16's future.  I was wondering if I could get some input on what life after graduation has been like for your children w/BPD.  I want to start planning now, as I truly do not see myself keeping her at home for the rest of her life (as cruel as that may sound). I also believe that she will be happier if she can become independent as well, so I am looking for ways to make that happen.  She expresses a desire to attend college, but her grades and motivation level are very low.  She also does not wish to attend our local career center because none of her friends are doing so.  So far, my plans to increase her independence include having her get a job this summer and teaching her to drive (my DH hates that idea! He thinks she will ruin the car or kill herself with it by driving irresponsibly). What else should I be doing?  I don't want to just kick her out the day after graduation, but her own behaviors make it a pretty tempting option. If your child w/ BPD was able to transition out of your home, what supports did you put in place?  Was he/she helped by a public agency?  Is the person supporting him/herself now? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[eac]

I am interested in this as well. My dd is 16 as well. In her last hospitalization they started talking to me about this - "transitional planning". As it stands now, we do not ever leave her alone in the house due to repeated suicide attempts and self injury.  Now, in 18 months this may change but it doesn't seem likely so I am very worried about what will happen when she turns 18.

One thought we have is that since she is in special ed and behind in credits she might become a "super senior" - a 5th year high school student. This would allow her to stay in the school structure and give another year to figure it out.  Of course, this depends on her behavior, motivation, etc.

I am interested on what those who are farther along on this journey will have to say.

[ABelle]

EAC - We are in similar situations!  I, too, do not leave my dd alone ever!  Between our worries over self-injury and her repeated sneaking while we are not at home, we have just given up.  I keep up hope that this will be possible in the not-too-distant future, but that remains to be seen.  Oddly enough, she is fine when she goes places with friends, or is at school, so I'm really not sure that being out from under our roof would be a horrible thing for her... .

Although she is falling behind, my d will most likely graduate in May of 2016.  Two years seems like a long time, and but I still want to be ready.  Who knows what could happen between then and now!

[qcarolr]

Some questions for each of you here: What kinds of ongoing therapy your D's are doing? Are they willing participants? Does it include DBT skills training and groups? What level of awareness do they have of their part in their troubles (if any!)?Are they in counseling with a T that can transition with them from the adolescent programs into adult programs? When they turn 18 what releases will be needed to allow family involvement and support in their ongoing treatment planning? Is there a family therapy component?

With my DD, now 27, the spec. ed. federal laws allow transitional supports through the school district until age 21. Including a vocational program should be available, even if they are planning to go on to college and are not yet ready for that transition away from a more structured environment.

What is their use of drugs/alcohol? Do they have a supportive peer group - either in school, neighborhood or through therapy group?

Whew! This seems like a lot. You all have a couple of years to get this planning going. Losing the structure of home and school is a huge issue with our young adult kids. They will need this into their mid to late 20's. From a neuroscience perspective the brain is still doing a lot of development until this time - for all young adults. It is just more intense for our's with BPD.

There are a lot of good videos on the "Foundation Reading" link to the right. They are worth the time to watch.

Keep coming back to let us know how things are going. Take care of yourselves too.

qcr

[co.jo]

I understand your concern , I felt the same about my daughter who is now 27. When she was fairly stable at 17 ish, we gave her driving lessons. It took a long time, but she eventually learned and got her license. There is no way I would have tried to teach her myself. When she was 23 she drove across the whole country alone, so I guess that turned out!

She did one year of university a few hours away, then took time off. Having the distance really helped. I rescued her from many situations, luckily most problems were related to money, and could be solved. I found the less I did the more she did. She has done many things since, but is completely independent (well actually she doesn't speak to me, so she can't ask for money- the silver lining), just completing an undergraduate degree and will begin her Masters in the fall. The road is rocky, but she is still on it.She has friends- a lot made through the online community reddit-and lives with a nice young man.

Hope this gives you hope, of course every situation is different, but my daughter has made a life for herself that is pretty good.

[ABelle]

Some questions for each of you here: What kinds of ongoing therapy your D's are doing? Are they willing participants? Does it include DBT skills training and groups? What level of awareness do they have of their part in their troubles (if any!)?Are they in counseling with a T that can transition with them from the adolescent programs into adult programs? When they turn 18 what releases will be needed to allow family involvement and support in their ongoing treatment planning? Is there a family therapy component?

Those are some good questions!  There are no DBT therapists in network for us here, but she does she a therapist who does cognitive behavior therapy and specializes in teens.  She also has a psychiatrist she sees for medication.  I would like to get her involved in DBT, and hope to accomplish that soon.  My D is a somewhat willing participant.  She is willing in the moment, but tends not to work the skills when things get tough.  We are starting some family therapy as well.  I guess it sounds like what we really need to do is get all of our resources on the same page as far as thinking about the future. 

My D does not have a significant history of drugs or alcohol use to date, just some minor experimentation.  She most likely has her friends to thank for that, as they are mostly kids who influence her in positive ways.  If she is able to maintain her current friend group, I see that as a big asset.

I am hoping that I can continue to work on my own codependency so that by the time she is ready to move out, she won't be looking for me to solve her problems.  Looking at her today, it is hard to imagine her living on her own, but as I said before, I do not plan to let her continue to live at home forever.  She is simply too difficult and demanding for me to deal with. It's one thing to help a teen who behaves like she does, but I do not have the same level of patience for an adult with the same behaviors.   I really like co.jo's comment that the less she did, the more her D did.  I'm hoping to see that in the future!

[qcarolr]

I am hoping that I can continue to work on my own codependency so that by the time she is ready to move out, she won't be looking for me to solve her problems.  Looking at her today, it is hard to imagine her living on her own, but as I said before, I do not plan to let her continue to live at home forever.  She is simply too difficult and demanding for me to deal with. It's one thing to help a teen who behaves like she does, but I do not have the same level of patience for an adult with the same behaviors.   I really like co.jo's comment that the less she did, the more her D did.  I'm hoping to see that in the future!

It has taken me a long time to accept how codependent many of my r/s's are. My DD does have some moderate learning issues that can complicate this for me -- ie. what are the times she really can't do what is asked and needs a strong advocate, and when am I doing something for her that she can do on her own.

qcr

[eac]

co.jo - thank you for sharing.  This does make me feel better as I worry about her future.

As for the rest - we have been fortunate to have access to good DBT therapy.  However, after 18 months it is clearly not enough.  Like ABelle, she knows what to do but doesn't do it in times of crisis.  We are making progress tho. We also have services from community mental health and she has an IEP at school and is in a day treatment type program at school. This is all good and I recognize that we are very lucky to have access to these services.  I am not sure where we would be without it.  

Thank you for all the thoughtful questions - they are a good road map and things to be working on. I just want her to have a life of purpose and meaning. I realize that will be up to her but I want to give her the tools  to do it.

[jellibeans]

ABelle

There is a DBT ap for the iPhone. I downloaded it. Do you think your dd would be interested in something like that? Kind of a journal in a way but really good way to remind her of the skills she is trying to learn

[ABelle]

jellibeans - we are definitely going to get some kind of workbook or something regarding DBT.  We discussed it today (she was talking about how she feels like she is overpowered by her emotions), and I brought up this type of therapy and described it as best I could.  She is very interested, so I am going to try to strike while the iron is hot, even if that is just getting her introduced to some of the methods. 

[jellibeans]

There are workbooks you can get. It is good to hear she has an interest in learning more

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DKW]

Hello.  I just re-read your post.  We are dealing with life after 17!  My D 18 decided to move out at 17.5.  We were able to get her into a transitional living program.  This program worked with youth on budgeting, life skills, and therapy!  The program is superviced 24-7 and each client has a case-worker. 

These programs usually have waiting lists.  I know that this type of program is not for everyone, but it could be a resource to explore.

I worried less about my DD while in the program, because I knew someone was there to watch out for her every day.  It also took a lot of pressure off our family.

[theplotthickens]

Following.  My dd wants to move out when she turns 18, and I go back and forth as to whether putting supports in place will do more harm than good.  Public assistance would be very enabling to my daughter's issues, drug use, and tendency to allow everyone else to do all the giving.  She does well in a work environment, but not so well in academics or the classroom.  She also has bipolar, ADHD with learning issues, and ODD. 

So interesting that she will do whatever she it told at work and will tolerate being bossed around or treated badly.  Her ODD "magically" disappears, and her need for "validation" vanishes.  So, I feel she is pretty high functioning, which keeps me on the fence about what supports I am willing to put in place.  She does better when people are tougher on her, and when dysregulation will result in a consequence SHE is not willing to take (such as job loss) which goes against the BPD Scriptures and Holy Writ, LOL!  She loses it and takes her frustration out on me at home, though.  I am not sure I am willing to cope with it and play jr. therapist (using all the skills, blah, blah, blah) another year - I want a normal life, and I am tired of her being abusive and not attempting to regulate at home.

I guess the question is, how much energy do you have left to give?  I think we need to be really honest with ourselves.  I am about tapped.

I look forward to hearing form others who have BTDT!

[hopeforhappiness10]

First of all, I can completely understand about wanting your daughter to move out and go to college somewhere else.  I was so in your shoes 4 years ago.  At that time, I did not realize my daughter had BPD and just thought it was her immature personality which made her act the way she did and the co-dependant issues that we had.  Unfortunately, for us, after a serious of relationship failures,  have really triggered the disorder.  She is ADHD and OCD. She did really want to go to college but after every relationship disappointment in college, we have been fighting with her to stay in school. It has progressively gotten worse over the 4 years to the point that she threatens suicide and dropping out, just to get to me because she is angry I cannot get these guys to like her or take her back.  So it's my fault. She has not caused any of the break-ups and has acted normal, but this is college and normal dating.  So relationships are difficult for everyone especially kids in sorority and fraternities. The last 6 months have been hell but hopefully she will graduate in 3 weeks from a major university. At least we have given her an education to fall back on if we discontinue the relationshp.  (I can't believe I am saying that about my beautiful daughtere. It makes me cry everytime I think about it.) It has gotten ugly keeping her in college.

I will say that my d21 is caught up on what people think of her... . so... . she will not look stupid to her peers if she drops out.  Not to say that her recent crazy behavior could not have made her act irrationally and drop her classes with only months to finish, just to get back at us.  She often says she does not care about our 100,000 that we spent on her education and wants to drop out to hurt us.  This is all  because of her issues with men and a few of her girlfriends.  For the most part, she has good friendships and hides her problems well,  just like your daughter does at work. She saves her crazy for us. My daughter is high functioning but I want to caution you about a couple things if money is an issue.

First,  off if she goes to college and you are having to pay for dorms, co-sign for leases and taking on the education tuitution, you might be hostage to their behavior because you will be more financially tied to the outcome. I would caution about signing in leases.  This has been an issue for us due  to the liability.  Fortunately, mine is going to make it and we have paid extra to have her live by herself in an apartment  for 2 years.  We are scared about her coming home and we were originally going  to help her move to another  city to  do another program and help her with her lease.  After her antics this past semester, my husband and I will  not sign anymore leases or take out any more school loans.  It  is on her at this point. 

If I were you, and you could get her in a junior college that has dorms away from your city, I would try that first because the cost is so much cheaper and if she does not make it you are not out tens of thousands of dollars.  If they are resisting, I would be surprised if they make it at any college away from school.  The damands are too stressful if they are extremely BPD.  Mine was  probably very mild when she was 18 but she has progressively gotten worse dealing with the stress of college, peer relationships and now men. Her anger is out of control on the things she says to me.  Please pray, I can make it 3 more weeks till graduaiton.  After that  if she continues her abuse on me, she will be put on the street.  I hope for both of us on this board, it does not come down to that. Good luck!

[PaulaJeanne]

When my BPD daughter (about to turn 21) graduated from high school, we sent her across the country to a drug treatment facility that also offered college credits. We were only able to do this because my mother-in-law had just passed away & left us enough money to pay for this. She never even completed one credit, but she stayed on the west coast for about 7 months. During that time, she got kicked out of the program and went to live in a sober house, with adults. She actually had to do things for herself for a while. She had an excellent therapist there who ended up advising her to come back home. Again, we were very fortunate in that while she was away, we sold our home, & purchased a much less expensive home in a different neighborhood that had an attached apartment.

    We taught her how to drive (private lessons... . I still haven't had the stomach to get in the car with her behind the wheel!) & enrolled her in a community college. She dropped out of that within a few weeks. It hasn't been easy, but generally she's been employed since she came back and gets herself to work.

  She's been noncompliant about therapy, but just this week she decided to commit to DBT. I'm trying to get her into a program now. The ones nearby don't take insurance and we are now tapped out. I have a call into one today that does take my insurance. It's 40 miles away, and it's twice a week for a year. I believe, as she says, that she's really tired of "mental illness" and wants to get control over her life. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed. All I c an say is good luck to all of you. This is not an easy life for any of us.