Update on Custody Mod Case

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not much of an update, but I paid the retainer, L has filed the paperwork, and uPDxw has been served.  I looked up on the county court's website and found the case details, showed the date she was served, etc.  It made sense because S9 had been with her and he became much more whiney and acted out in ways he hadn't done in a long time, starting on that date.  I figure she told him about how mean ol' dad was trying to make him go back to school.  

She also won't look at me or respond to messages.  Things like verifying when/where I'm picking him up, etc.  And for her classes, now she says S9 wants to go to her brother's house instead of mine when she has class and she needs a sitter.  I know it's not true, S9 called me last night at bed time asking to come over for the night!

And she hasn't said a single, solitary word about the case.  

I'm trying to decide whether to say anything about the brother babysitting instead of me.  uPDxw is just shaking up S9's schedule/routine and adding more instability to his life.  She's pissed at me for filing and thinking she's gonna get back at me by cutting out the extra time I'd been getting.  Could get interesting when he has a soccer game, and I can say I'm taking S9 since she can't as she's always got a class during game time.  I have tie breakers on extracurriculars now, and can overrule what she'll try to do with her brother.

But I'm also trying to decide if I should, or just wait for her response, let things play out, then point it all out to the judge when we go to the temporary hearing.  Not sure if  the judge will appreciate how I'm handling things in a way that is intended to not escalate tensions further.

S9 also told me his mom took him to the court house earlier this week to get some paperwork.  I haven't asked him if his mom has talked to him about my filing, but I suspect he knows.  I also thought it was weird she was at the courthouse getting paperwork.  Has me wondering if she's going to try to fight this Pro Se.  I can only hope!

ETA - I just got around to reading the whole complaint my L filed.  L filed asking for sole legal and physical custody.  I thought we were going for primary physical custody, but that's a step down from sole legal.  L also put in a request for child support, and asked for uPDxw to pay my attorney's fees.  I had thought L was going to just ask for primary physical and not mention child support because our state law mandates it anyway and it's automatic.  I guess L thought my evidence was stronger than she let on initially or something.  L's really going for uPDxw's jugulars on this one.  No wonder uPDxw is so pissed.

[Waddams]

Not much of an update, but I paid the retainer, L has filed the paperwork, and uPDxw has been served.  I looked up on the county court's website and found the case details, showed the date she was served, etc.  It made sense because S9 had been with her and he became much more whiney and acted out in ways he hadn't done in a long time, starting on that date.  I figure she told him about how mean ol' dad was trying to make him go back to school.  

She also won't look at me or respond to messages.  Things like verifying when/where I'm picking him up, etc.  And for her classes, now she says S9 wants to go to her brother's house instead of mine when she has class and she needs a sitter.  I know it's not true, S9 called me last night at bed time asking to come over for the night!

And she hasn't said a single, solitary word about the case.  

I'm trying to decide whether to say anything about the brother babysitting instead of me.  uPDxw is just shaking up S9's schedule/routine and adding more instability to his life.  She's pissed at me for filing and thinking she's gonna get back at me by cutting out the extra time I'd been getting.  Could get interesting when he has a soccer game, and I can say I'm taking S9 since she can't as she's always got a class during game time.  I have tie breakers on extracurriculars now, and can overrule what she'll try to do with her brother.

But I'm also trying to decide if I should, or just wait for her response, let things play out, then point it all out to the judge when we go to the temporary hearing.  Not sure if  the judge will appreciate how I'm handling things in a way that is intended to not escalate tensions further.

S9 also told me his mom took him to the court house earlier this week to get some paperwork.  I haven't asked him if his mom has talked to him about my filing, but I suspect he knows.  I also thought it was weird she was at the courthouse getting paperwork.  Has me wondering if she's going to try to fight this Pro Se.  I can only hope!

ETA - I just got around to reading the whole complaint my L filed.  L filed asking for sole legal and physical custody.  I thought we were going for primary physical custody, but that's a step down from sole legal.  L also put in a request for child support, and asked for uPDxw to pay my attorney's fees.  I had thought L was going to just ask for primary physical and not mention child support because our state law mandates it anyway and it's automatic.  I guess L thought my evidence was stronger than she let on initially or something.  L's really going for uPDxw's jugulars on this one.  No wonder uPDxw is so pissed.

[ForeverDad]

Could get interesting when he has a soccer game, and I can say I'm taking S9 since she can't as she's always got a class during game time.  I have tie breakers on extracurriculars now, and can overrule what she'll try to do with her brother.

But I'm also trying to decide if I should, or just wait for her response, let things play out, then point it all out to the judge when we go to the temporary hearing.  Not sure if  the judge will appreciate how I'm handling things in a way that is intended to not escalate tensions further.

Well, if he misses one session it won't be a big deal, but that would give you basis to make a firmer request or statement for subsequent sessions or games.

S9 also told me his mom took him to the court house earlier this week to get some paperwork.  I haven't asked him if his mom has talked to him about my filing, but I suspect he knows.  I also thought it was weird she was at the courthouse getting paperwork.  Has me wondering if she's going to try to fight this Pro Se.  I can only hope!

I lean toward her getting forms to file some sort of trumped up complaint against you, perhaps TRO/TPO variety, trying to make you look worse than her.  PwBPD can't handle looking bad and that's the way they fix their quandary.

ETA - I just got around to reading the whole complaint my L filed.  L filed asking for sole legal and physical custody.  I thought we were going for primary physical custody, but that's a step down from sole legal.  L also put in a request for child support, and asked for uPDxw to pay my attorney's fees.  I had thought L was going to just ask for primary physical and not mention child support because our state law mandates it anyway and it's automatic.  I guess L thought my evidence was stronger than she let on initially or something.  L's really going for uPDxw's jugulars on this one.  No wonder uPDxw is so pissed.

That's one reason we need lawyers.  While we are torn by our past emotional relationship and not wanting to trigger, they can be businesslike, dispassionate and yes go for the jugular when appropriate.  No need for tiptoeing around, this has already been to court and needs better orders, let the lawyer bluntly call it like it is.

Remember too that the lawyer has to ask for a little extra which will give room for the judge to deny some parts of the motions so ex won't feel she lost everything.  For example, a decent outcome is that you get full custody but just majority time because the judge is likely to let mother keep at least alternate weekends and maybe a little time in between.

In my case, going back to 2005, it took the magistrate 30 minutes to park me in alternate weekends and an evening in between.  And despite ex's claims otherwise, I was not seen as bad to the court.  It was that way until the final decree over two years later.  It took another 3 years to get custody and 2.5 more years to get majority time.  Some 8 years to correct a 30 minute ruling.  Now she does look bad to the court, yet her order now is much better than my initial order back then.  She gets a long afternoon every week, twice as long and twice as often as I had at the start.  And she gets equal time during the summers, something I never got at the start.  That's how much preference mothers often get in my area.  Maybe what it takes to really get the courts to sit up and take notice is for something drastic, brings to mind that 1993 Mike Myers comedy/suspense movie, So I married an Axe Murderer.  Maybe that would have gotten speedier response?

[Waddams]

My biggest current question is whether to object to her switching to her brother from me for child care assistance when she's working/taking classes/etc.  It's been me for 2 years+, and S9 is used to it.  It's adding even more chaos into his schedule and further disrupting the little bit of routine he has in life.

But if it's not in S9's best interest, at what point does the reality of what is needed to meet S9's needs and best interest overrule court orders?  Basically when there's an immediate risk of major harm to S9.  Which in this case, S9 gets carted around more and has less routine, but he's not at risk of a serious harm either.  And I don't want to give away the legal arguments about S9's schedule chaos.  L seems to have worded the compliant very carefully in a way that leaves all kinds arguments open to bring in, but doesn't give them away.   

Part of me thinks i should speak up, part of me doesn't.  Sounds like a L question, but I don't want to pay L to answer it yet, so I haven't sent it.

I lean toward her getting forms to file some sort of trumped up complaint against you, perhaps TRO/TPO variety, trying to make you look worse than her.  PwBPD can't handle looking bad and that's the way they fix their quandary.

I'm expecting something.  I'm sure her facebook page is chock full of ranting.  Not sure she could justify a TPO without baseless lies I'd be able to prove are absurd.  I'm recording each interaction with her right now, and I never go in her house on pickups, dropoffs I don't even get out of the car, etc.  I'm sure she'll come up with something creative.

[ForeverDad]

She will claim to the court that she gets to choose who cares for 'her' child on 'her' parenting time.  You will respond that she suddenly - immediately after you filed - changed her regular pattern of letting you care for your child when she was unable to do so.  You will state that (1) it was upsetting to the child to have his schedule disrupted without good reason and (2) it clearly was an attempt to weaken your motions to adjust the custody and parenting order.

[Matt]

It's pretty common to have "RFR" (right of first refusal) written into the court order.  It says that if Mom can't care for the child, for a period more than X hours (like maybe 2 hours or more), then she has to give Dad 24 hours notice so he can take the child during that time.  Or something like that.  It usually goes both ways.

I would put that into the motion specifically, and add that Mom is now having her brother watch the child which is a change from before, and not (in your view) best for the child.  You don't have to trash the brother, you can just say, "It is in Child's best interest to spend as much time as practical with Father."

On another issue... . you were surprised at some of what your lawyer wrote into the motion.  I guess that means you aren't approving stuff before he submits it.  I think that's a huge mistake.  You should put it in writing that you want to see everything first and approve it before it's filed.

[livednlearned]

She will claim to the court that she gets to choose who cares for 'her' child on 'her' parenting time.  You will respond that she suddenly - immediately after you filed - changed her regular pattern of letting you care for your child when she was unable to do so.  You will state that (1) it was upsetting to the child to have his schedule disrupted without good reason and (2) it clearly was an attempt to weaken your motions to adjust the custody and parenting order.

This is a status quo thing -- courts care about this. If it was you taking care of S9 during her classes, court will treat that as status quo for S9. Also, BPDm will have to explain why it's better for her brother to care for S9. Hard to imagine any argument that a court would consider valid. Be sure to have documentation about the status quo. 

And to what Matt said:

On another issue... . you were surprised at some of what your lawyer wrote into the motion.  I guess that means you aren't approving stuff before he submits it.  I think that's a huge mistake.  You should put it in writing that you want to see everything first and approve it before it's filed.

I have found a lot of mistakes in the stuff my L sends me, including one huge one that would have been disastrous -- nothing gets filed without me seeing it first. And for a complaint, don't you need to sign a verification page before it goes out? Read everything before you sign, even if you think you know what's in it.

[Waddams]

Honestly, I signed the verification before reading the complaint in detail.  I read the actual claims but skimmed through the part where L wrote in the requested relief.  The claims are actually very simple as written.  It's basically that kid was dx'd with Asbergers and ADHD, mom pulled him out of school and is attempting to home school ineffectively, and won't put him back in school.  Father requests court grant him sole legal and physical custody and mom be awarded a liberal visitation schedule.

No mention of classes, schedule chaos, etc.  L wants to use those as backup arguments that show ineffective home schooling.  It could technically also be another material change in circumstances that she can't exercise her custody time, but that would give it away and give her a chance to clean up her act.  So we're strategizing to only put a minimal amount of info. in the complaint, use the testing results from the specialist i took him to that show home schooling is not working as S9 couldn't do the testing and scored very poorly, and then use the rest of the documentation about the lack of work, instruction time, and schedule chaos to demonstrate why home schooling isn't working.

Further, next, show mom is leading lifestyle that is unstable for S9 and dad can stabilize his lifestyle if dad has full custody.  I had told L that I wanted primary physical custody.  Basically S9 be with me for school nights, and then work in EOW visitation with mom, plus some flexible nights additional visitation that can be floating days during a two week cycle.  Maybe 1 night per one week, 2 nights per the next, then 1, then 2, etc.  And some extra language about mom's weekend time can also be flexible to accommodate weekend classes and still get S9 some quality visitation time with his mom.  L is good at the language, and for now, just covered it with "liberal visitation" and something more concrete would get written into the final orders, I believe.

Summers, we could trade off every other week or something, but that's problematic too as summers are super busy for her.  She's out constantly on tree sites in the daytime, and doing estimates in evenings and on weekends when everyone else is home from work.  So her time still gets constricted.  Not sure what the solution is.  I just know S9 needs to be in his dad's custody to keep his schedule from being so chaotic while in his mom's care.

Yesterday for Easter, officially it was my turn.  I got him, his mom was supposed to get him at 6pm.  Just the way the day worked out, we'd done church the night before, and then were done with easter baskets, egg hunt, etc.  He called his mom, and asked to go over early.  No problem.  A few hours later, he was begging to come back.  I talked to his mom and she sounded (not sure how to describe it), depressed/exhausted/defeated/etc.  Lots of complaints about school work, work around house, tree work stuff/estimates to work on, and being overwhelmed with "other stuff" (i.e.-the case she just got served with).  I'd never heard her sound like that before.  Suffice it to say I have a feeling it was not a fun time at her house, so S9 decided he wanted to come back to my house where there are other kids, and happy adults.  His mom didn't seem to give a $h!t and seemed to actually be not in a state to enjoy him being around.  he's 9 and can get his own drinks and is pretty self sufficient, but he was obviously being ignored, was out riding his bike when I got there and his mom was shoveling dirt for some reason I couldn't figure out.  Looked like moving one dirt pile to another for no apparent reason.  He hooped off the bike, and ran down to my car, I had to remind him to go give his mom a hug as she was standing at the top of her driveway looking a bit put out that he'd taken off without much notice of her when I pulled up.  He was ready to leave for certain!

I'm honestly a bit worried about him over there now.  When she's overwhelmed, she's not a pleasant person, and I hope he's not being neglected or becoming the target of any outbursts.

[Matt]

I talked to his mom and she sounded (not sure how to describe it), depressed/exhausted/defeated/etc.

This sounds very familiar to me.

My wife and I both asked for primary custody, and went through a Custody Evaluator, who recommended 50/50, but said that my son, then 8, might benefit from more time with me over the years, since he and I seemed to communicate well.  At the time, my wife was not open to giving me primary custody.  My lawyer told me to take the 50/50 and it would morph to more over time, and she was right.

There have been a million reasons for the kids to spend more time with me over the years.  Stuff like, I have internet connections and my wife doesn't.  (She makes plenty of money but says she can't afford it.)  And I got a place close to their school, but she got one further away.  And my place is nice enough for the kids to have friends over, but they aren't happy taking friends to her place.

And... . sometimes no reason at all.  She'll just say "I thought the kids could stay with you this week." when it's her week to have them.  One summer they spent 10 weeks with me and 2 with her, and there were no reasons given - just "I thought they could stay with you this week."

I quickly learned not to ask any questions or make any suggestions, just be happy to have them.  Once in a while I have other plans and it would be handy for them to be with her, but I always figure it out so they can be here, and they're good with that.  They're now 15 and 17 so they can see this happening, and we've talked about it a little - they know their mom has some problems - but the bottom line is the court said 50/50 but it's not really.  I've decided not to go back to court so long as things are going OK.

You might find the same thing, when the court case is over - however it comes out, you might end up with S9 more than the court order says.