Am I being overprotective?

[thinkingthinking]

My exBPDh and i have been divorced since August.  in December he was charged with an OWI, losing his license for a year.  In addition to other things, this has strained his relationship with our two younger children.

Our S18 is in college and has not spoken to his dad since September.  I think a lot of hurt and disappointment over the years, combined with the ups and downs of freshman year, have brought him to a point where he just had to set down a boundary of what he could deal with.  ExBPDh constantly asks me to intercede, tell him to call, and has texted our son telling him that he is "owed respect".  He still gets very angry when I tell him that it has to be between the two of them, and that he needs to give our son time.  It is sad to not have a dad to turn to, but I get that our son has been let down a number of times. 

Our D12 has started to have anxiety whenever she is to headed over to her dad's. The fact that he doesn't have a license has made it so that I have to make an attempt to get her there to see him (although I realize I am not responsible for this).  Because I work full time and she has activities, I really can't get her there as much as divorce decree specifies, and she is only seeing him every other weekend and 1 evening per week.  She does not like when we are in the same room as she feels like it is just "too uncomfortable".  As with my son, I've been trying to give her time and space... . we've only been divorced about 7 months.  She hasn't been comfortable spending two nights on the weekends, so we've arranged to just have her spend one. He lives in a very small town and doesn't have a license, so I think it is a strange situation for her. I know she is uncomfortable when we are all together, so I drop her off and make the interaction as brief as possible.  When I've discussed these things with exBPDh, I'm told that "she is just going to have to get over it" and that I'm being overprotective.  Sometimes I even feel like he only wants to see her so he can see me.  If I have to drop her off without coming to the door, he gets angry/disappointed.  He asked me to come to his house for Easter to be with his family, and when I declined saying that it would be too uncomfortable for everyone (includine me), he got angry and hung up. I'm divorced but these reactions still get me stressed!

Just wondering if others have had this experience of feeling "in the middle" and how you've navigated through it? 

[Turkish]

My uBPDx doesn't sound as low functioning as yours. But like you, I get the feeling that she arranges things so she can still see me. She gets on some level that I don't want to see her (thankfully, her mom babysits the kids, so drop off and oick up is there). She wants us to spend time as a family now and then. Trues to emit the FOG "it will be good fir the kids" but other than one uncomfirtable breakfast weeks after she moved out, I don't bite. No, no, and no. Consistency is the key, I think.

I'd caution you on violating the visitation decree, though. Do you think he could use that against you in the future?

[Nope]

I'd caution you on violating the visitation decree, though. Do you think he could use that against you in the future?

I don't think this is much of an issue. He lost his license due OWI, which forces you to be responsible for all transportation. You have to work to support your child. You are doing the best you can to make sure she still sees her father every week despite the obstacles he has created for himself. If he brought this to court, he looks bad for the OWI and now that you are responsible for the driving the order might just change to exactly what you are doing now anyway.

[thinkingthinking]

Well, I went back to our divorce decree and we have what is called a "go to" rule for our D12's transportation. At the time I didn't pay attention to it as it wasn't really an issue, but it does state that whomever's home she is going to has the responsibility for transportation.  I guess I would just hope that the attempt I'm making to get her there would be considered above what I'm required to do.

On another note, your comment about "emitting the FOG" is so true, but I forget to be aware of that.  He will frequently say things like "I know you're better than this" and "You've become so cold" when I try to keep my distance.  He probably doesn't consciously emit the FOG, but he's just always been so good at it to get his way! 

NC would be so much easier, but hard to do with kids.

[Forestaken]

My story: low-functioning S2bxw+dOCD+uBPD, never had a license, D20 comm college, S23 University.  She took their college funds, I'm supporting them.  Neither of them want to see her. I don't force them.

At first, when s2bx wanted to see D20 or S23, she requested that they drive my car (shared 1 car) to see her.  This is an entitlement of hers.  She doesn't travel to see other people - they travel.  Kids no longer do it. 

If your X wants to see his D, he needs to find a way.  There is public transportation, taxi, bicycles and feet. 

What if your car is "acting funny" will he make you responsible to bring her?