Using Finances to Control

[calpenna]

I am currently involved in the divorce process with my uBPDh. I probably don't need to tell any of you it is hellish and stressful, despite him initially saying he just wanted to get it done, move quickly, not piss all our money away on lawyers, etc.

First, he took our 2013 taxes to the accountant to file.  Then he forged my name on the return and set up so that the refund (a very large amount) would be entirely deposited into his own individual account. When I asked him about the status of the return he flat out told me he wouldn't give it to me. So I had to go to the lawyers, have them draft a letter, etc. all so that I could get my half. And the end result is that he'll make me feel like it was MY fault that more money has now been spent on lawyers.

Also, we had an initial appearance with a court attorney referee early in April. At that hearing, it was agreed by both lawyers that the amount he had been paying me monthly would continue. This is an amount I outlined in my net worth statement as necessary for paying our monthly bills (I am a stay at home parent, so I am unfortunately wholly reliant on his income).  As we neared the end of this month, I still had not received what we had agreed I would. When my lawyers went back to his, he decided he no longer wanted to pay what we agreed upon and is now stalling on negotiations as to what he'll pay. As an unfortunate legal loophole, the court attorney referee cannot order anything, they just direct the lawyers to work things out, and if things are not worked out, either party can file a motion, which of course costs in the thousands of dollars.

For lack of a better word, I take "comfort" in the fact that this seems to be a common phenomenon among BPD-ers... . would you agree? I hate that I try to do everything on the up and up, and still end up getting screwed. I just want to be able to take care of the kids and not worry about defaulting on bills!

[The Mrs]

Grrrrrr... . sounds all too familiar, I fear.  After 25 years of marriage, I finally filed and had my husband served.  Initially, he had said he didn't want to to get an attorney he just wanted to put together a Property Settlement Agreement and work through mine.  He has 20 days to respond to the suit, which will be next Thursday.  He said he didn't want all the money to go to attorneys, he wanted to keep it "in the family".  We have 3 adult children and 3 grandchildren.  Two of the 3, children were from his first marriage, but we had full custody of them and I raised them, as my own, since they were 3 and 5. 

Well, so far he has stated, that even though we are in a Community Property State, I am not entitled to 50% of our assets.  He wants credits for monies and property and a business interest he came to the marriage with over 25 years ago!  These things were all commingled and many of the records do not even exist anymore.  Our accountant even told him he doesn't keep records past 10 years.  Then he presented me with a bill for his time and services to manage some of our business dealings since I left the family home over 8 months ago, for fear of my own safety and well being!

So, yes, to answer your question, I completely agree that they try to control through $$, this is just another form of intimidation, manipulation, and control.  My attorney is just hoping he will get an attorney so that he won't have to deal with him!  I suspect he will swoop in with on, on day 19, and countersue on some crazy, trumped up allegation... .

[trappeddad]

i pay for daycare, and my ex refuses to consider another daycare unless it costs me more... . regardless of what is the best daycare for our son.     there are better daycares for our son due to his "social issues", but my ex just wants me to spend more $ on the most expensive daycare.     i have to go to court to fight through this.

[livednlearned]

I am currently involved in the divorce process with my uBPDh. I probably don't need to tell any of you it is hellish and stressful, despite him initially saying he just wanted to get it done, move quickly, not piss all our money away on lawyers, etc.

First, he took our 2013 taxes to the accountant to file.  Then he forged my name on the return and set up so that the refund (a very large amount) would be entirely deposited into his own individual account. When I asked him about the status of the return he flat out told me he wouldn't give it to me. So I had to go to the lawyers, have them draft a letter, etc. all so that I could get my half. And the end result is that he'll make me feel like it was MY fault that more money has now been spent on lawyers.

Also, we had an initial appearance with a court attorney referee early in April. At that hearing, it was agreed by both lawyers that the amount he had been paying me monthly would continue. This is an amount I outlined in my net worth statement as necessary for paying our monthly bills (I am a stay at home parent, so I am unfortunately wholly reliant on his income).  As we neared the end of this month, I still had not received what we had agreed I would. When my lawyers went back to his, he decided he no longer wanted to pay what we agreed upon and is now stalling on negotiations as to what he'll pay. As an unfortunate legal loophole, the court attorney referee cannot order anything, they just direct the lawyers to work things out, and if things are not worked out, either party can file a motion, which of course costs in the thousands of dollars.

For lack of a better word, I take "comfort" in the fact that this seems to be a common phenomenon among BPD-ers... . would you agree? I hate that I try to do everything on the up and up, and still end up getting screwed. I just want to be able to take care of the kids and not worry about defaulting on bills!

What is a court attorney referee? What authority does this person have? How much does it cost to use these services?

[calpenna]

Livednlearned -- a "court attorney referee" is like one step down from a judge. We live in NY state and this seems to be part of the standard divorce process. The meeting with the referee was the first step in our divorce filing, intended to sort of schedule out all the things that need to happen and address any immediate issues. Were both parties to fail to agree amongst their attorneys, or if one party was to not follow what was agreed upon, you can request an emergency hearing before the referee and/or file a motion ($$$).

[toomanytears]

If ever I feel myself waiver (at about 9 pmwhen I'm tired and low) I come on these boards - what a great sanity check.

I am not alone!

My BPDh was hopeless with money - as well as being greedy. Now he's got to disclose his financial information so we can have settlement.

So far all I've had are a few of his bank statements sent through in dribs and drabs. He's neglected to produce the one for July which will very clearly show how he was cheating on me while I was away on holiday. (When I got back he raged at me for leaving him on his own. ha ha. ) On his foreign bank account he's missed out three months when he was earning a large consultancy fee. One only has to wonder what else he is concealing. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg... .

[toomanytears]

If ever I feel myself waiver (at about 9 pm when I'm tired and low) I come on these boards - what a great sanity check.

It's such a great feeling that I am not alone!

My BPDh was hopeless with money - as well as being greedy. Now he's got to disclose his financial information so we can have settlement.

So far all I've had are a few of his bank statements sent through in dribs and drabs. He's neglected to produce the one for July which will very clearly show how he was cheating on me while I was away on holiday. (When I got back he raged at me for leaving him on his own. ha ha. ) On his foreign bank account he's missed out three months when he was probably earning a large consultancy fee. One only has to wonder what else he is concealing. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.

(I have a friend whose -undiagnosed - sociopath brother unashamedly called his secret stash 'The Rothschild Account' ... . his wife never found it.)

[/quote]

[ForeverDad]

First, he took our 2013 taxes to the accountant to file.  Then he forged my name on the return and set up so that the refund (a very large amount) would be entirely deposited into his own individual account. When I asked him about the status of the return he flat out told me he wouldn't give it to me. So I had to go to the lawyers, have them draft a letter, etc. all so that I could get my half. And the end result is that he'll make me feel like it was MY fault that more money has now been spent on lawyers.

Well, you could always tell him you're willing to instead report fraud to the IRS.  (There is a form you can file, Injured Spouse Relief if you have been negatively impacted by a spouse's actions regarding tax filings.)

I recall my 2 year divorce case.  Two years I I didn't know in advance whether we would file jointly or not.  So I withheld enough in case I had to file the more expensive Married Filing Separately.  Well, I had to file for an extension and in the last possible week in October she agreed - if I would gift her HALF of MY withholding refund.  Unfortunately I didn't expect that and had withheld a lot expecting to pay the higher MFS rate.  She made out like a bandit.

And I had her sign the forms in the presence of the tax preparer, not me.  No way was I going to allow her an opportunity to later claim I forged her signature.