If I do contact them is a call better or a message? Or is this just a bad idea? We got along quite well, but I haven't spoken to them since the first few days after we broke up when her mum said to me "It's best just to let her go Spicelover, she doesn't know what she wants".
I know you're frustrated, don't have closure,.and still care about her. But her mum told you her position.
Most of us nons have an above average sense of empathy. Can you put yourself in her mum's place? What if you had a daughter who had a history of BPD traits? You raised her, you love her, but she has caused you frustration and sadness for years on end. Seperate the analytical and Caretaker part of your personality and empathize. What would you feel now that your daughter couldn't work out a r/s with probably the best guy she'd ever brought home? What I would feel is shame. And i'd want to protect my daughter and keep her close.
My uBPDx told me the other day that her mom
loves me. This was in response to her making sure I brought the kids over on my weekend for a bd party they threw for our daughter. I had been not going to family functions (spent thanksgiving and christmas eve alone, just 3 miles away because I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her). Of course her mom does. I'm the best man she's ever brought home to mom, and the only one who became part of their family. I engage enough, however, that i feel that her whole family is devastated and even ashamed of what she did.
When she was still living with me, she told me he mom alternated from day to day between, "whatever you want is best for you" to almost yelling at her "work it out!" If she wouldn't listen to her mother, her therapist (who told her to not leave me), then what traction could I gain from interfering? I let her go as gracefully, and painfully, as I could. I fought it for a few weeks, but that w between her and me. Once I realized I became the trigger for her core pain and abandonment wound, I started detaching. There was nothing I could do. She even started throwing the psychology I had learned back into my face. She even admitted she was "sick" but I was the painful reminder, just my presence.
Did she ever love you? She probably did. pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, they just feel them more intensely. Likewise, her core shame, of which you may have been a trigger, but not the cause, is equally intense. The dysfunctional coping mechanism: flight.
