Mom used to play games that frightened me as child

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi  All, When I was a little girl about 3 years old I remember my uBPD NPD witch queen mom playing a frightening game with me. I used to go into her room in the morning when it was just the two of us and get into bed like all little children and she would say Lets play a game where upon she would pretend to hear a noise downstairs  be worried and say that there was someone  in the house. She would then say hes coming up the stairs and make thumping noises as if he was walking on the steps  and hide us with the bed covers, then  she would make a knocking sound on the wall and say "hes at the bedroom door and hes coming to get us" finally she would say "hes here" and then tap me on the back from outside the covers so i believed it was really him and i would scream with fear. I didnt think about this until recent years but actually  I feel  it is quite disturbing  and was wondering what the rest of you think? I would never dream of frightening my children like that and i find it really hurtful that she would take delight in this.

I am still learning about Borderline personality disorder because up until recently i only thought of my mom as having NPD so would appreciate your thoughts on it. Why  would she do this  and what was it all about? I also remember her pretending to fall down the stairs with me in her arms as one day we really did have a fall down the stairs and luckily were not seriously injured. I was probably about 2 or 3 years old at the time when she did this but I remember her finding both of these situations funny.

Would this be more typical of a BPD mom or do BPD and NPD moms try similar tactics? I find these things very hard to forgive and let go of as it has had a massive impact on my feelings of safety especially as I was a very sensitive child. Maybe this explains why I am actually secretly afraid of her? maybe i sensed even as a young child that she was sick in some way.?

Anyway would be interested to hear you ideas on it

[lucylou]

Hi  All, When I was a little girl about 3 years old I remember my uBPD NPD witch queen mom playing a frightening game with me. I used to go into her room in the morning when it was just the two of us and get into bed like all little children and she would say Lets play a game where upon she would pretend to hear a noise downstairs  be worried and say that there was someone  in the house. She would then say hes coming up the stairs and make thumping noises as if he was walking on the steps  and hide us with the bed covers, then  she would make a knocking sound on the wall and say "hes at the bedroom door and hes coming to get us" finally she would say "hes here" and then tap me on the back from outside the covers so i believed it was really him and i would scream with fear. I didnt think about this until recent years but actually  I feel  it is quite disturbing  and was wondering what the rest of you think? I would never dream of frightening my children like that and i find it really hurtful that she would take delight in this.

I am still learning about Borderline personality disorder because up until recently i only thought of my mom as having NPD so would appreciate your thoughts on it. Why  would she do this  and what was it all about? I also remember her pretending to fall down the stairs with me in her arms as one day we really did have a fall down the stairs and luckily were not seriously injured. I was probably about 2 or 3 years old at the time when she did this but I remember her finding both of these situations funny.

Would this be more typical of a BPD mom or do BPD and NPD moms try similar tactics? I find these things very hard to forgive and let go of as it has had a massive impact on my feelings of safety especially as I was a very sensitive child. Maybe this explains why I am actually secretly afraid of her? maybe i sensed even as a young child that she was sick in some way.?

Anyway would be interested to hear you ideas on it

[Kwamina]

Hello lucylou,

I'm sorry your mother played these bizarre games with you. It's quite understandable that you were scared since you were still very young when she did these things. I'm not an expert when it comes to NPD but what I know about BPD moms is that they often love to exercise power and control over their children and also sometimes tend to exhibit sadistic traits. The way you describe these 'games' suggests that you're mother was aware of how frightened you were yet still continued with it, even seemed to think it was funny. It could be that she enjoyed the fact that she could control you this way and frighten you like that. It's often very hard to really understand what's going on inside the head of someone with a PD but perhaps the things I pointed out had something to do with it.

[AnnieSurvivor]

I actually had a similar experience just this past Christmas.  Short story is I was staying in her room during the annual Christmas visit (she was on the couch) and like other BP's I have read about here, she has difficulty going to sleep at night but she can sleep all day.  After I had been asleep a couple of hours she realized she forgot something and tried to sneak in to get it.  When she was right by the bed I woke up and screamed.  Instead of feeling bad about it, she laughed hysterically for the longest time.  I am seriously considering ending my stays in her apartment and going back to a hotel - I had done that before, but listening to the sobbing and waif reactions made me come back.

[twogrey]

This reminds me of my mom washing my hair in the bathtub when I was little. She would have my back to the faucet and the water running full blast, and then push me backward  so the water would hit me full in the face. When I found out that my friend's mother would rinse her hair by pouring several cups of water on her head, I asked my mom if she would do that and she said something like, "I'm not, I don't have the time" ... . Stay at home mom, only child, household help.  It was only recently when I heard about prisoners being subjected to water torture that I began to understand why I felt so traumatized every time she washed my hair.

[Enoughforme]

This is interesting. I too had a similar situation. My mother would change her voice and face expressions and tell me that she was not my mother anymore -that her name was Belinda and pick me up and place me on the fire place mantle or on the stove. What the heck are they thinking ? Because you are right I would NEVER thinks of doing this to my kids. As a grandmother- to the kids she would pretend cry to get the kids to do what she wanted... . grrr - why oh why can't they be normal... .

[lucylou]

This is interesting. I too had a similar situation. My mother would change her voice and face expressions and tell me that she was not my mother anymore

Wow I can relate to that, its funny how talking with other survivors triggers off memories long since forgotten. I have a vague recollection of my mom doing the exact same thing, also  she used to tell me she was going to die one day. I used to cry and cry at the thought of losing my mother, what child would nt of course. After that I was always very worried about losing her so she did a very good job of ensuring I would remain close by always.No wonder i used to wet the bed everynight with all this fear. I shall never forget the look on her face when i left home for the first time at age 19 to go live in another country. Within a week she had moved a girl who i really hated from school into my bedroom and started going out drinking with her because that is what we did! . I dont think she ever got over me abandoning her that time or when i moved in with someone and also each time i had another child.She would always have a tantrum. She always used to say " You are the wing beneath my wings" like the Bette Midlar song that is how close we were. Now she sees me as the devil incarnate as I have told her i did nt have a happy childhood and i wanted an apology for all the traumatic things that happened. I pretty much have nightmares most nights about her. We are usually fighting about the things she has done and it hurts. I dont see her anymore but i am still struggling to free myself from the bond we had. Some days i miss her because she can be great really funny and generous but unfortunately the flip side is the ugly jealousy and competitiveness and the snide remarks designed to erode self esteem and cause problems in my life generally. She is resentful of any happiness i have found. I think what sums it all up for me is that you must always be there for them but they will never be there for you, unless of course you are hurting and in pain and they can watch and enjoy the spectical but not offer comfort... . Its a deep wound to realize someone you thought loved you actually also hates you with equal measure    

[lucylou]

This reminds me of my mom washing my hair in the bathtub when I was little. She would have my back to the faucet and the water running full blast, and then push me backward  so the water would hit me full in the face. r.

It amazing how we have all had similar experiences.I also had a very big fear of water as when i was 15months old i almost drowned whilst on holiday. I had crawled off on the beach and got into a pool of water. My parents realised i was missing and luckily some little boy said i was under the water and they pulled me out. After that understandably i hated any water on my face but like your mom she didnt care about this and would tip the water over my nose whilst i screamed with fear. My mother used to be very rough with me when it came to caring for my needs. She used to brush my hair strongly and scratch me . It is almost like if they have to care for you then they will do it with a shed load of resentment and spite thrown in. I am really sorry to hear that she did that, it must have been very frightening it must have effected your confidence and trust with people. These stories make me so sad  but i guess that is a good thing releasing this. I shall NEVER forget how my mother used to love the film Mommie Dearest now what does that tell you!

[lucylou]

  After I had been asleep a couple of hours she realized she forgot something and tried to sneak in to get it.  When she was right by the bed I woke up and screamed.  Instead of feeling bad about it, she laughed hysterically for the longest time. 

That must have been so scary i think anyone who woke up to see someone over the top of them would yell out. Its funny but my mother would have reacted in the EXACT same way unless of course the boot was on the other foot then she would have gone mad . They seem to enjoy other peoples fear,misery upset dont they?. Its really been interesting reading all your replies. I find it hard to share my experiences as it rakes it all up again but i guess you have to rake it up to clear it out . I wouldnt blame you for not staying there anymore it must have left you feeling very unsettled

[lucylou]

Hello lucylou,

The way you describe these 'games' suggests that you're mother was aware of how frightened you were yet still continued with it, even seemed to think it was funny. It could be that she enjoyed the fact that she could control you this way and frighten you like that. It's often very hard to really understand what's going on inside the head of someone with a PD but perhaps the things I pointed out had something to do with it.

Thank you for your support, yes there is definately that sadistic element. I find this one of the hardest things to process and forgive. I feel now that my mother never really loved me at all because how can a mother love you when she is enjoying seeing you hurt, distraught or frightened? For me that takes some getting over. You are right when you say you cannot know what  people with PDs are thinking and perhaps it is just as well we dont I hope we can all find healing and peace in the future.           

[Ziggiddy]

lucylou - what an awful experience for you to have gone through. It gave me chills just reading it. I am so very sorry that the person who should have been protecting you was frightening you.

I have recollections of my mother being fascinated by death and morbid themes but very superstitious at the same time. I remember being about 4 and putting a petticoat on my head like a wedding veil and her panicking that I was inviting death/tempting fate.  She also watched (and encouraged us to watch) awful horror movies with violence and death and morbid content. I don't specifically recall her trying to cause me or my brother fear except when beating us but I never forget when my sister was a baby (12 years younger than me) she would allow/encourage us to pinch the baby because she thought the baby's face was so cute when she was about to start crying. it was only lately that I realise how sick that was.

I also had a full head devil mask (at 12 wth?) and hung it on the side of my sister's cot while she was asleep but it fell in and when she woke, the baby was screaming and crying and trying to get away from it yet mum was hysterically laughing and goading me and my brother to do it again.

I can't explain the sadistic nature but it chills me now. I would NEVER allow one of my kids to torture another like that let alone encourage it. I know when we were copping a flogging she was barely there - just a ball of rage and fury out of her mind. I wonder if fear is arousing and exciting to them in some way?

[twogrey]

This is the Wikipedia explanation for "waterboarding".  No wonder.   

In the most common method of waterboarding, the captive's face is covered with cloth or some other thin material, and the subject is immobilized on his/her back. Interrogators pour water onto the face over the breathing passages, causing an almost immediate gag reflex and creating the sensation for the captive that he is drowning

[lucylou]

. I am so very sorry that the person who should have been protecting you was frightening you.

I have recollections of my mother being fascinated by death and morbid themes but very superstitious at the same time.   She also watched (and encouraged us to watch) awful horror movies with violence and death and morbid content. I wonder if fear is arousing and exciting to them in some way?

Thank you Ziggidy your experience sounds equally horrifying   Why would she take pleasure in upsetting a baby? it really does make the mind boggle. These memories you described must be hard to deal with. I really liked what you said about the fear being arousing and exciting to them I think you hit the nail on the head. How can any loving mother get enjoyment from frightening their own children? How do these experiences affect you now? do you still see your mother?

I  am continually surprised by the common behaviours in all our stories. It really makes me feel better to know i am not alone in this . I felt upset all day yesterday because of thinking about this stuff and it actually prompted me to start to do this "original grief" work that the therapist suggested. I am not looking forward to it mind 

It is really interesting that your mom used to like to show you videos and movies about death and violence, I had a very similar experience about the violence part. My Mom would take us to the video store to rent a movie for the weekend and she would let us watch " the texas chainsaw massacre" and "evil dead" both of which had been banned at the time as it was  in the early 1980s but also films of an adult nature like "porkies". Bearing in mind I was only 11 years of age  you really have to ask yourself what kind of mother would do that and why?.It would be an interesting question to ask the forum to see how many of us had that experience  I must say that although my mother was not obsessed so much with death my BPD NPD grandmother is. She is much more affected by this disorder than my mother so really my mother didnt have a hope of being normal. 

  Anyway thank you for your reply it was very welcome i hope we can find some peace and happiness in the very near future.  

[lucylou]

This is the Wikipedia explanation for "waterboarding".  No wonder.   

In the most common method of waterboarding, the captive's face is covered with cloth or some other thin material, and the subject is immobilized on his/her back. Interrogators pour water onto the face over the breathing passages, causing an almost immediate gag reflex and creating the sensation for the captive that he is drowning

Frightening   how can you begin to explain a persons psychology who does this ? Thanks Twogrey

[Ziggiddy]

Hi lucylou

in response to do I still see my mother? I have seen her 3 times briefly since I started becoming aware that she has this problem. I have been unhealthily enmeshed with her for decades. in fact it's only a few weeks ago that I emotionally removed her from my marriage of 14 years! Sounds weird and sick doesn't it?

I just wanted to let you know how very very useful this thread has been to me. it opened up some very therapeutic discussion with my brother about some of the events of the past. I have already forgiven him for his bad treatment of me as I can discern the fertile ground in which it was fostered. Still not resolved but certainly we are friends in a way we have not previously been. It also showed me that I need to talk to my sister and apologise to her for the things I did when she was younger. Although not exposed to the same type of violent and gory TV as us, she has a deep interest in gothic themes, thrash music and creepy stuff. I wonder just how much of that I was responsible for ((

What you said about original grief makes sense to me. I had a good cry over all this the day after I read your thread. I am in a position where I  cn't easily access mental health services and have been trying to sort out what I can on my own or with help of friends and family. This forum has been key in helping me get to the point of disclosure without the fear of doom I had! But your thoughts made me wonder if I might need to try and find someone experienced with this.

I felt upset all day yesterday because of thinking about this stuff and it actually prompted me to start to do this "original grief" work that the therapist suggested. I am not looking forward to it mind   

I suppose it's a bit like surgery or getting a tooth removed - you know it will be painful but the end result will no doubt be worth it. Like you I am reluctant to go there. I have this strong sense that the person I will come out at the other side as may be a stranger (man I must be getting mental here!)

Still I know it needs to be done. As I feel safer I guess it will become more desirable. i hope the same is true for you too 

Totally understand about the horror movies. The Exorcist haunts me to this day - so so sick.

Interesting comment regarding your grandmother:

  I must say that although my mother was not obsessed so much with death my BPD NPD grandmother is. She is much more affected by this disorder than my mother so really my mother didnt have a hope of being normal.     

My mother's mother despised me. Always put on the public display of being a wonderful nanna but treated me much worse than my mother did. She used to call me a name in her native language that I later found out to be the thing you say if you get dog poo on your shoe or something like. She hated that I couldn't speak properly (I had a lisp) and that I would forget to put my clothes in the wash. She hinted regularly that I smelled bad, told me I walked too loudly, I was bad at cooking, I wasn't nice like other girls, my friends were all better than me at everything, not as good as my cousins, didn't respect her enough, that I had terrible manners, bad memory, I walked funny, I sat funny etc etc. In fact half of the worst floggings I got from my mum were from when my grandmother would visit from overseas and stay with us. If I made mum look bad in front of HER mum, if my grandmother was offended or criticised my mum for being so bad at raising her kids I would cop a flogging - in front of grandmother so she could see that the 'discipline' was being attended to. Man. That just made me SO MAD! Ruinous woman. I lost most of her letters in a house fire and you know what? I was grateful for that!



Anyway I am grateful for your honesty in your  story about the games your mum played with you. It has helped me immensely

Sending peace and righteous indignation against anyone who would behave so cruelly to a child. What ever the reason

[P.F.Change]

Hi, lucylou,

Remembering is an important part of the recovery process--we need to be able to acknowledge the abuse we suffered so that we can process it and heal. Have you looked at the Survivor's Guide over in the right-hand margin? It seems like these earlier memories are part of that Remembering Stage for you. I am sorry to hear you felt frightened by your mother and that she seemed to enjoy it.

Why  would she do this  and what was it all about?

I do not really know the answer to this, since I'm not a professional and don't know your mother. It sounds like your mother did not have empathy for you--she felt entertained while you felt frightened. People with this type of personality disorder (previously Axis II) do usually struggle with empathy; additionally, people with ASPD (AntiSocial PD) may also take pleasure in causing other people pain. There are also quite a few people without personality disorders who find it funny to scare or startle other people. It could be the behavior is related to a personality disorder, or maybe not.

I find these things very hard to forgive and let go of as it has had a massive impact on my feelings of safety especially as I was a very sensitive child.

It sounds like these events may have been traumatic for you. Have you ever talked about them with a therapist? It can help to have support to process what you were feeling as a child and to see ways that you can feel safe as an adult. 

Wishing you peace,

PF

[crazy1503]

The only time I can remember being upset enough to go to my mother for comfort as a child (too dangerous, youd get hit for crying usually because she found it annoying) her reaction was to laugh, she thought it was hilarious. I never did it again.

Like someone mentioned before, my mother was rough with us when it came to any kind of necessary physical contact. She never held my hand crossing the road, the would hold your arm like a vice. If she had to wipe your face she would hold your chin hard enough to bruise. I remember her pinning my sister down on the floor to pick at her acne while she cried.

[Confusedadult]

My mother really enjoyed hiding behind things and jumping out to scare me, or chasing me with large insects she had caught and laughing histerically while I would cry and scream.  I was sexually abused as a very young child by a non family member and she used to tickle me while I screamed stop until I was full on sobbing and then would blame me for being too sensitive. 

I think she enjoyed the fact that she could impact me with her behavior.  She also enjoyed having unlimited control over myself and my body. 

I think she often felt powerless and would compensate by making me powerless to her.