No Contact vs Updates about the kid's health

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exGF (suspected/undiagnosed BPD) & I split 5 months ago, & have not spoken face to face for the last 2 months

(due to her trying to assault me in front of our kids, I applied for a protection order, going to court in 2 weeks).

Our 16 month old daughter lives with ex & only I see her every 2nd weekend.

Communication about the children was done via a third party (my mum) who has now requested to be left out as she cannot deal with my ex's inconsistency & strange remarks, so now I text ex directly to arrange pick ups & drop offs.

This has worked relatively well for me emotionally, allowing me to clear my head of the FOG, but two recent incidents have made me worry, & start to think No Contact is unsustainable.

1) The previous time I fetched our daughter she was vomiting in the car & had diarrhoea. When my mum told ex what was going on, ex was not surprised or concerned at all, saying "Oh ya, she's been like that all week, I forgot to tell you, she's just teething" ie: the child had been sick already before I picked her up & nothing had been done about it, no medication, no doctor, no heads-up given to me even though the child was to be in my care for the weekend.

Not living with the child, would like to know if she is unwell, regardless of whether she will be in my care or not.

On a previous occassion, ex has tried to tell me "she's sick, so you can't see her this weekend" on a Friday afternoon when I was due to pick the child up in the evening... . I argued that this is exactly why I SHOULD see her.   

2) Our daughter used to love bathing; playing with toys & splashing in the water & we struggled to get her our of the bath. Last visit I went to give her a bath & she started crying hysterically, terrified of getting into the bath, she would not even stand in the water, let alone sit in it, for the entire weekend.

I'm no psychologist, but this looks like something traumatic happened to her in the bathtub to produce this reaction?

I would like to ask ex in person (whilst looking into her eyes, not via text) what is going on, because based on past experience, she will most likely lie / deny as does not want to be percieved as a "bad mother" & tends to refuse to take the blame for anything. This conversation is likely to be unpleasant & I would like avoid it, but I am worried about my daughter!

However non-accusatory I try to be, I expect I'll be accused of "acting like I'm a better parent" etc, before I get any straight answers.

Both buying the same item of clothing for the children because you don't talk is one thing, but their health is a big deal.

Would love to know how how others successfully manage low/no contact & co-parenting?


   

[Vitto18]

My exGF (suspected/undiagnosed BPD) & I split 5 months ago, & have not spoken face to face for the last 2 months

(due to her trying to assault me in front of our kids, I applied for a protection order, going to court in 2 weeks).

Our 16 month old daughter lives with ex & only I see her every 2nd weekend.

Communication about the children was done via a third party (my mum) who has now requested to be left out as she cannot deal with my ex's inconsistency & strange remarks, so now I text ex directly to arrange pick ups & drop offs.

This has worked relatively well for me emotionally, allowing me to clear my head of the FOG, but two recent incidents have made me worry, & start to think No Contact is unsustainable.

1) The previous time I fetched our daughter she was vomiting in the car & had diarrhoea. When my mum told ex what was going on, ex was not surprised or concerned at all, saying "Oh ya, she's been like that all week, I forgot to tell you, she's just teething" ie: the child had been sick already before I picked her up & nothing had been done about it, no medication, no doctor, no heads-up given to me even though the child was to be in my care for the weekend.

Not living with the child, would like to know if she is unwell, regardless of whether she will be in my care or not.

On a previous occassion, ex has tried to tell me "she's sick, so you can't see her this weekend" on a Friday afternoon when I was due to pick the child up in the evening... . I argued that this is exactly why I SHOULD see her.   

2) Our daughter used to love bathing; playing with toys & splashing in the water & we struggled to get her our of the bath. Last visit I went to give her a bath & she started crying hysterically, terrified of getting into the bath, she would not even stand in the water, let alone sit in it, for the entire weekend.

I'm no psychologist, but this looks like something traumatic happened to her in the bathtub to produce this reaction?

I would like to ask ex in person (whilst looking into her eyes, not via text) what is going on, because based on past experience, she will most likely lie / deny as does not want to be percieved as a "bad mother" & tends to refuse to take the blame for anything. This conversation is likely to be unpleasant & I would like avoid it, but I am worried about my daughter!

However non-accusatory I try to be, I expect I'll be accused of "acting like I'm a better parent" etc, before I get any straight answers.

Both buying the same item of clothing for the children because you don't talk is one thing, but their health is a big deal.

Would love to know how how others successfully manage low/no contact & co-parenting?


   

[Turkish]

2) Our daughter used to love bathing; playing with toys & splashing in the water & we struggled to get her our of the bath. Last visit I went to give her a bath & she started crying hysterically, terrified of getting into the bath, she would not even stand in the water, let alone sit in it, for the entire weekend.

I'm no psychologist, but this looks like something traumatic happened to her in the bathtub to produce this reaction?

Your instincts may be correct, but remember that she is 18 months old. Though your Ex in general sounds lower functioning, babies can be triggered easily by just abou anything. Children are ego-centric, and the world revolves around them in their minds. Thus, innocuous stimuli to us can result in children feeling "it's my fault" as if they are the causes of everything. My daughter loves baths. I transitioned her to the shower once, and she did ok. This was to save time and water. The next time I tried it, she was crying and clinging to me like a little monkey. It just scared her for some reason. I think she was about 18 months. Still living in the same home, I knew it wasn't something her mom did. I haven't tried to shower her again and she just turned 2.

Babies/toddlers sometimes slip in the tub as well. Even being right there, we can't stop everything from happening. That all being said, keep an eye on her behaviors, and soothe her the best you can. She should be getting close to that age where she will communicate with you better. Read to her as much as possible so she can pick up vocabulary quickly. This will only help you and her.

I get that you are in a tough situation. Once you get some kind of legal custody agreement ironed out, it should be better. I'll cross my fingers for you 

[ennie]

I am not sure where you live, but where I live you can get a "welfare check" by an a child welfare officer if you are deeply concerned.  Have you tried requesting, via text, that she inform you when your child is ill? 

I agree with you that your infant's health is the most important thing.  However, I am just curious what you would get out of talking to mom about this?  It sounds like you are in the process of getting more custody.  In the state where I live, 50/50 custody is the default, except during nursing.  For very young children, courts recommend regular transitions, like transitions every 2 days.  This allows for regular health checks as well. 

My concern is that if seeing her mom often results in conflict, that can be very traumatic for a child to witness.  So if you can maintain written contact rather than in person or get the assistance of a third person to determine if your child's health is at risk, that seems like to safest way to avoid health problems AND conflict.  But you are probably the best judge of that.  Good luck!