my heart is breaking

[tristesse]

So, as you all know, my BPDd30 is in my home, her and her son. Things have been shaky to say the least, but we have been coping and I have been trying a lot of new methods, pretty successfully. Today it all went to hell in a split second. I am at work and can not even focus on my job.

There was an incident where my son cursed in front of the gs, and of course he repeated it, my BPDd went ballistic and hit my son, he is 21 btw, it escalated quickly,and he hit her back, so there is a lot of yelling and obscene things been said to each other. I have had text messages and phone calls from them both , and I am lost as to what I need to do. He will be leaving for work in  a few moments, so at least the volatility will be gone, but this behavior is unacceptable, and it breaks my heart. She should never raise a hand to anybody, ever, but we all know that is part and parcel to BPD, but we also know he should not have hit her back. I can not seem to get the rest of the family on board, they are all out of patience, and don't want to learn about BPD, they think she is just a spoiled rotten crazy person with violent outbursts, and I can not get through to them, meanwhile my BPDd is suffering daily with her inner demons and struggling to just get out of bed in the morning to tend to gs. I can not choose one child over another, and I can not say one was right and the other wrong. I feel like a rubberband being pulled in both directions, and I am about to snap. I feel physically ill at the moment. HOW CAN I MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND! and How do I help her?

feeling sorry for myself at the moment. I apologize

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Oh bpetersen514 I know exactly how you feel!

It breaks a mother's heart when we are put in the middle of our children's issues they have with each other... . I know all too well.  :'(   My 2 dd's have had so many issues with each other over the years and each wants to come to me and complain about the other.  I try not to take sides, but at times I fall for their bait and end up in the middle.  This is when it does become my problem, when I let myself get dragged into the middle of their problems! Your situation sounds like it is their issue, between the two of them.  When it becomes physical then it is also a legal issue (assault) and one that both have to decide if they want to pay the consequences of since both are adults.  If you weren't even there when all of this was going on - it is even more not your problem or a problem you can solve.  I have been working hard at staying out of the middle of my adult children's issues with each other.  It isn't easy but it is the only way to not side with one or the other. 

Good luck... . my thoughts are with you as you deal with the heartache. 

[tristesse]

suchsadness,

you are absolutely right, it is not my problem... . why couldn't I come to that conclusion on my own. Why did I let them pull me in? Both know there are consequences for their actions, and mom can't fix everything.

Thank you for that, I feel somewhat better already, just having decided that the problem is not mine.

[lever.]

I often find myself in the middle,- not a happy place!

Sometimes I think my DD tries to put me there on purpose to see what I will do.

It is true that this is really a problem between the two of them. I am trying to practice saying "I,m sorry but you're talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to xxx about it if you want to sort things out"

It isn't easy_ I keep landing back in the middle. I think as Mums we feel responsible for mediating and keeping everyone happy and forget that they are adults now.

Sometimes I think that they also forget that they are adults and think Mummy can magically resolve things!

[tristesse]

yes, my BPDD has been frantically texting me, I am not going to respond, I am going home in about half an hour and am dreading the fall out, but I will stay calm and try being empathetic to her feelings without condoning the violent behavior from earlier. We can and will get through this.

[co.jo]

Good Luck! We had a similar incident a few years ago, and there is still fallout, in that my BPDdaughter thinks I should be able to magically convince her siblings to accept her, and they think she is spoiled and they want nothing to do with her. Although I tried to stay out of it, my daughter has cut me off as a result.

Not to be discouraging, hope yours goes better, you have many more tools than I had at that time.

Have you thought of some validating statements you can make?

[swampped]

Dear bpeterson:  I am not sure how to cut and paste from this site, but the readings on "triangulation" have really helped me when my children have drawn me into their disagreements.  Look at the tools on the right for a good summary.  It seems to be a pretty common problem, not only with our uBPDdil, but also with our "normal" adult children. It amazes me how I can get upset by one of them, even when, like you, I am nowhere near them physically, and in no position to really fix their problems. 

Another source of help is from AlAnon and its 12 steps---learning to detach with love has been so very important in my journey with BPD.

I wish you luck, and may you find some peace.   Swampped

[tristesse]

The fall out was not as bad as anticipated, however there was plenty of tension. Of course whenever a comment is made, if it can be twisted into something negative, she twists it. If I say something to anybody other than her, she assumes it's about  her, etc. I was very good about not engaging in negative behavior, or verbal battle, and I am getting better and better everyday at handling her and her issues, it's everybody else that can't deal now, and she is targeting innocent people , like my sons very pregnant fiancé. I am trying to bring them all into the fold, but they are resistant. I can only do what I can do, but I will never ever give up.!

[lever.]

well done bpetersen! The tools on this site certainly help.

I also find it very difficult when my daughter targets other people but I am hoping that if they see me using the tools effectively some of it might rub off on them

Its difficult when others are reluctant to read or understand the disorder and just see us as enabling someone who is out to cause trouble.

Glad things weren't as bad as expected.