My DS7

[raytamtay3]

I'm really beginning to think it's my ex and I that are screwing up our kids! We've been getting daily notes from DS's teacher about his behaviour. Each day it's getting worse and worse. I thought with DD "away" and things being calm and him not witnessing things, his behaviour would improve but instead, it's gotten worse! As mentioned before, we had trouble with DD in school beginning from daycare really and we also had problems with her at home. With DS, he is perfect at home and this is the first year we've gotten bad reports. Of course he tries to push the envelope, but he will listen and do what he is told. DD did whatever she wanted to regardless.

I've noticed he is more hyper lately though. Even at home. I have been trying to teach him breathing techniques to use when he feels hyper. I've talked to him about his bevahiour and why he is doing the things his teacher is saying he's doing and he just says he doesn't know.

I'm worried. Really worried.   We've tried reward charts. I've taken his electronics away.

When I went to pick him up from the afterschool program he was in time out for taking a toy from someone and running around with it. And a bunch of kids came up to me telling me some of the things he's been doing there.

The note yesterday from his teacher said how he isn't listening, isn't paying attention and is starting to get defiant!

I told him from now on, even if he gets bad reports on daddy's week, he will face a consequence on mine (I actually began this two weeks ago between the incident when visiting DD and getting suspended from the after school program).  Since his dad doesn't inforce things. I feel I have to try harder.

He is so smart. So sweet and loving. He is very funny and tries to make people laugh. Ugh!

PS: Today is his Birthday.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

rtt:  I am sorry you are having a tough time with your DS.  Just a thought here:  I know it might seem resonable that his behavior would get better with DD gone but this may be unsettling to his also.  Kids don't always experience things the way adults do.  I remember when my DD was going away to military school when she was 15, I thought my older daughter non-BPD would have a chance to relax and our home would be calmer.  It actually did get worse.  She became short tempered, ill mannered and angry all the time.  This was so unlike her but since she was older she was able to articulate her feelings.  She was constantly worried about her sister.  She felt that she was not safe being somewhere other than home, where we understood her.  She didn't want her to go away and she was mad at me for letting her try this.

For DD being away only lasted a short while and the truth was it wasn't the right place to be.  Is it possible that this could be a reason for his acting out?  Just a thought

Griz

[jellibeans]

what kind of activities is your ds involved with other than school. I think a sport is a great way for kids to burn off energy and it also gives them a place to belong and some self discipline.

[lever.]

I wonder if he is feeling a little unsettled with the changes going on in the family and is craving extra attention and reassurance?

I think I would be very careful what you give attention to.

Regarding difficult behaviour I would just put on a consequence, nothing too long lasting or disproportionate but not discuss why with him too much, or you could be unintentionally giving attention to behaviour you don't want.

When his behaviour is acceptable or even neutral perhaps try to spend extra time listening to him and giving undivided attention.

There is a very good book by Carolyn Webster-Stratton called The Incredible Years which is really for the parents of slightly younger children but I think you might find it helpful.

Try not to start blaming yourself, you have been coping with a lot recently and its inevitable that it will have some effect on your little boy

[qcarolr]

raytamtay3

This can be so confusing for everyone involved - most especially for your DS7 who is not yet able to clearly speak what he is feeling. Perhaps the questions to ask are about what is overwhelming him, what his fears are, what is underneath the behaviors. If this emotional, fear based level can be addressed, often the behaviors will take care of themselves. He has been exposed to some traumatic situations.

I have been coping with this around my gd8 and the exposure she has had to the raging and drama from her mom, BPDDD27. Gd is almost 9 now. She is has a great T that is working with these issues for both of us, and we are seeing so much improvement. Gd's pattern is to act out at home, and withdraw at school.

One resource that has been really helpful comes from beyondconsequences.com . Heather Forbes founded this and there are a couple of her books that might give you some great tools. ":)aring to Love" focuses on the home environment. "Help For Billy... . " focuses on the school envirnment. She has resources on the website as well. I went to a one day workshop with her last fall for the school issues and it was very helpful. Very hands on, practical strategies that target the underlying emotional states.

Keep us posted.

qcr

[raytamtay3]

what kind of activities is your ds involved with other than school. I think a sport is a great way for kids to burn off energy and it also gives them a place to belong and some self discipline.

Karate.

[lever.]

I think qcr's suggestions are better than mine.

I like Carolyn Webster Stratton's book because it is very positive and there is a lot in it about building up positive relationships and positive behaviour.

However in your son's case some of the emphasis on consequences might not be the most appropriate thing and what qcr is suggesting might be better.

There is still a lot in the Webter-Statton book that is helpful though, so it might be worth a look anyway

[manicmuse]

I think you have to address BOTH, the behavior and why hes doing it seperatly.

We all have to learn there are ALWAYS consequences for whatever we do.

At the same time, give him some good old fashioned LOVE and reassurance.

And most importantly your time.

[manicmuse]

BTW if hes misbehaving at school and NOT at home, something at school may be the problem.

I had a bad teacher with my Son it was the only time I ever had any problems with him growing up.

That teacher had me convinced her had major problems, but it was her that was setting him off.

He left elementary school with the highest grades in his school.

If thats where hes acting up Id certainly start there.