Hounding me for money

[Ihope2]

I am so angry and tired of this.  As part of our divorce settlement, I offered to pay a monthly "maintenance" to my soon to be ex BPDh, as he requires monthly chronic medication, especially suboxone (which is expensive) to help him with his opioid deficiency problem.  The FOG has still got me in it's misty grip here, as I would hate him to slide back into substance abuse (heroin and codeine) without the safety-net effect of the suboxone to help him.  I felt fear that he would crash back into addiction triggered by our divorce, I felt obliged to do all I could to prevent this from happening, and I felt guilt at divorcing him.  So I proposed financial aid to him for the next 24 months.  He was unemployed when we met, and did not have any financial means at all as far as I was aware of.

So now, for umpteenth time he has contacted me angrily about the money. This time, it was that the money had not yet cleared into his account and that I am again obviously playing some sort of cruel game with him!  Yesterday, 1st May, was a public holiday. The payment got delayed by that.  It is an automatic stop order that I had set up with my bank. He is with the same bank, so the transfer from my account into his should be same day.

I told him that he should check with his bank, and not phone me, as I do not work for that bank and I cannot know why the money is not in yet.  I created the stop order to run on the 1st of every month and as far as I know, that's what will happen.

He spun me some story about that he checked with the bank on the 30th April and today (2nd May) and they said that there was nothing in his account and that it should have come through yesterday, public holiday or not... .

I told him that I am sure that it has to do with the public holiday and to stop him from harrassing me further, I said I would phone my bank and let him know what they say.  He said that he does not have a mobile phone any more and that he would phone me back in half an hour.  That was two hours ago now and he hasn't phoned back.

I guess the money cleared into his account in the meantime... .

I am so sick of this.  And yet, I got myself into this situation by all my misguided intentions and rescuing role.  I see it so clearly now.  I do not owe this man anything.  And yet I felt like I owe him the world.  And he feels so entitled to everything from me.  He feels I have hurt and deceived and damaged him, and that I am now having to pay "reparation" to him... .

I cannot wait for the divorce to be done.  I know that this money story will still bind me to him for the next 2 years... . this is not the last time he will contact me about money.  And if it is not about money, it will be another suicide threat. 

After the divorce, I am changing my mobile number.  I cannot wait to draw a line under this painful, traumatic and failed marriage/relationship.

[AwakenedOne]

Ihope2,

That is really caring, what your doing to keep him off drugs. Too bad he isn't appreciative though and gives you more grief instead. I hope you get some kind of peace and he leaves you alone. Is he seeing a T for BPD or is he just out of control? I will be so glad when I am divorced also. Hang in there and just know you are a good person.

AO

[Ihope2]

Thank you Awakened One.  He is not in therapy.  He does not fully understand what his problem is, he is totally blind to self.  According to him, all he wants to do it to love, and yet the world keeps on rejecting him... . I am once again proof of that to him. 

And apparently I was his therapist before the issue of divorce came up... . he did not think he needed to see and speak to anyone else, except me!

What a terrible mental illness - this completely dysfunctional way of relating and the distorted belief system that goes along with it.

[Tolou]

IH2... .

WOW 2 years? why would do that to yourself, this is not your child or your responsibilty, if the dovorce isn't final can you change it? He needs to get help from somewhere else, why you? If that is something you choose to do, so be it. I respect that, but changing my mobile number was one of the hardest things I did, but the best... . Because there were no more text, threats, messages, self harming etc... . sucicide etc... . It was unravelling me, because I still cared and to this day still do care for my ex.  But the reality is, it wasn't a healthy relationship from the begining, and if I would have stayed it would have been unhealthy.

I think you, once you change the number you might have some better chance of detaching better and atleast not being sucked into this madness, you owe no one nothing, except yourself.

[Ihope2]

That shows how hooked I have been.  How much fear, obligation and guilt I have been caught up in.

I also married him very quickly and by default we got into a marital property regime whereby if we divorce, he gets half of everything of mine.  So I must confess, it was a way for me to counter-propose an offer, so that he would not take half.

I don't think the Court would have let him take half, but that would have been an entire long-winded, lengthy process all in itself.

Also, he was living with me, and did not have a penny to his name.  This way, he could move out and move on with his life.

So I guess, I am not as sanctimonious and charitable as it sounds.  I needed to protect myself and my financial wellbeing (not that I am rich, but I am independent and have no mortgage or any debt and I own my own house and I have a pension fund which he would have been able to lay claim to half).  I paid him "blood money" to get him to agree to the divorce and move on.

But yes, underlying it all, I could not bear the thought of him relapsing into drug addiction and being completely destitute and homeless.  Things are not good in this country, when it comes to social welfare assistance for the needy and the destitute.  There is little help for those in need... .

So in essence, he became my financial problem in those two ways and I had to find a way out of it to protect myself and to get out of the marriage as soon as possible.

The divorce is still not final:  I need a Court trial date still. I hope it will happen in May still.  Thereafter I will try to cut off from my exBPDh as finally as I can.

[ForeverDad]

He is an adult.  You don't need to baby him.  He can call the bank.  He will keep contacting you if you keep responding.  (Maybe he will keep calling you no matter whether you respond or not but at least what is in your power is to set a personal boundary for yourself not to respond to his demands and chaos.)  Sadly, you can't expect reciprocity.  It is what it is.

Side thought, is he even using the money for its intended purpose?  That too is likely beyond your control.

[Tolou]

Ihope2... .

I wish you well in this journey and Godbless you for having a good heart, we can't let people change that about us.  Your doing a good thing by protecting yourself and the assistance your providing him is in a way a testimant to charity for someone who needs it, I am quite certain if he were able not to be this way he would choose a different path in life, unfortunately he is losing a special person, because that you are.

In your seperation, when it finally comes, these two years will go by faster than you think, just stay focused and determined on building yourself to a place of peace. Goodluck... . with all, and keep us posted.

[Ihope2]

Thank you ForeverDad.  Yes, who knows what he is using that money for.  I would hope it is to stay out of trouble, but perhaps it is enabling him to get deeper into trouble.  Like you say, it is what it is.  I have let go and remind myself daily to keep letting go.  I did what I felt I had to do to preserve myself and be able to live with myself.  I have learned a big life lesson. Indeed, I do not need to baby him, nor anyone else.


To Tolou, thank you.  You have been through the worst time too with your exBPDw.  I appreciate you sharing your insights with me. The tragedy of this mental illness is, who would our loved ones have been had it not been for their mental illness.  That will forever be written in the stars. 

[DontPanic]

Hope,

A couple of things from my experience, my ex had BPD and I was on suboxone for years (8 years to be exact). People often think that suboxone is safe because a doctor prescribes it. it might be for the short term as it does take away any desires for any other substances and is difficult to abuse and OD on... but the reality is, that it is a very strong narcotic, that stays in your system for a long time after you stop taking it. I used to tell people all the time that it was a miracle drug as it took away that desire for other drugs. While that is true, the reason you dont want anything else is because your always high.  Addicts will tell you to the moon that at least I am not putting a pin in my arm... *sigh* and what I often tell them is that if you were still putting a pin in your arm, you withdrawal period would be measured in days... not weeks... it took about 6 weeks and two trips to the emergency before I felt like I could venture out of the house and it was probably the most painful and difficult experience of my life. Even after that it was almost a year before life was able to return to something resembling normalcy.

If he does manage to get off of it, he's going to be angry for a long time, I dont know why but others I have talked with experienced a similar issue where for the first few months after taking the drug they are really really angry. My sleeping patterns are better... but for that first year I would wake up at 4:00 am every morning whether I wanted to or not and also no matter what time I went to bed.

Make sure you are far far away from him at this point in time (if he ever does get off the drug) as he will have a very hard time controlling his emotions and actions. so there is some danger there.

I dont know if this helps you but I thought I'd offer some insight as I know what this drug does and what it is like after your off of it (and yes, if you do the math, I was pretty close to patient one... here in the U.S)