The silver lining...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today was a most beautiful day! 

So I have been with DH 7 years, and the first couple of years I tried hard to be open to BPD mom, with boundaries.  That worked for awhile, then she hated DH for a few years, then she hated me for a few years. 

So this past fall, I had a health crisis and an operation, and the BPD mom was suddenly completely kind and sweet.  Which is fairly predictable, as she is very at ease with more serious trauma; she seems normal at those times, kind and loving even, or at least normal-ish. 

This past month, she has been drinking more and acting crazier.  Also, texting mean things and trying to take control in many challenging ways.

Today the kids had performances in front of the community, and we were all going to be there.  Because things have seemed more chaotic, we really expected the worst.  She showed up smelling of alcohol, usually a sign that things are going sideways. 

But that did not happen.  DH and I greeted her when she arrived, hugged her.  DH had a role in the performance, the kids were busy with their parts, so mom and I hung out.  She put her arm in mine, and we chatted amiably.  it was one of the kids' birthdays, so she pulled DH and I in front of the audience to sing happy birthday, asking us first, and with her arm in mine, she announced "It is our wonderful daughter's birthday." 

My SD loved to see us together looking happy--she has seen the opposite so many times.  And the SD whose birthday it was tells us that she loves mommy and daddy and me all the same, she just needs her mommy more because she is SD's mommy.  Her greatest wish would be for mommy, daddy, and me and her sister and her to all live in the same house together.  So for her to see this, and to see her mom acknowledge me in a happy way as a parent was amazing for her.  My other SD is very clear mom his her mom, I am NOT, but birthday SD really sees us all as parents who just play different roles in her life. 

BPD mom did not get drunk, behaved appropriately the whole time, and was actually loving with us, and not even clingy with the kids. 

It really was a little miracle. 

I want to say that I am so grateful that both DH and I can keep are hearts open enough to enjoy the good parts.  The tricky thing about BPD is there is no internal consistency, no coherent sense of self, so BPDmom trashes us and then two days later acts like we are her best friends.  But that is also the beautiful thing.  As long as we feel good about it, which we do more and more as DH and I get better about saying "no" when that is the best answer, why not enjoy the fun parts?  There is no teaching her, really.  It is not like we have to level the scales before moving on so she will learn, because she does not even remember, much less learn . So we are free to just enjoy the fun parts.  It does not help to give in during the hard times; but at the same time, it does not help to hold on to the bad feelings, because it is ridiculous to expect any rhyme or reason from her. 

SO we had a lovely spring day, arm in arm with DH's BPD ex, kids thrilled, all is good.  I pushed my luck by sending her a text thanking her.  but I realized it is for me that I sent it.  Because I AM grateful, and I wish to feel that feeling and to express it to all of the people in my life, even the most difficult ones.

And later, at the end of the day, 3 or 4 people who know our family and BPD ex well over many years approached me and talked to me about how moved they were by our willingness to still be loving to her.  People who have long since stopped communication with her.  I told one person how surprised I was about how easy it is for me to feel love for her, when two days ago she was being terrible and it felt hard to stay open at all.  But then it came right back.  And my friend said, "That is because you are exceptionally skilled at loving.  It is one of your gifts." 

And I realized that that is true, and how grateful I am for that.  I know this sounds like tooting my horn, but I really want to express how much in that moment I just saw the truth in that, not like I am better for being that way, but just being aware of how grateful I am to have that capacity that made me get to experience such a beautiful day.  We all have strengths and weaknesses; this week I got REALLY angry at SD14 and yelled at her really loudly for the first time in a long time.  I felt so sad and ashamed at that.  So many parents and step parents are more patient and tolerant than I am. 

But how cool that where I excel creates so much happiness for me, while also being so darned useful for others. 

So it was a really good day.  I think for me the best thing about BPD is this ability for BPDmom to just be fine all of a sudden, for a little while.  In fact, not just fine, to be great.  That she does not keep her story straight, that we are not always the bad guy even if two days ago we were the devil.  But today it is different.  It is like SD10 when she was four.  At 4pm, she would say, "this is the best day of my whole life."  By 6 pm, she informed us that this was the worst day of her whole life.  It is hard being told it is the worst day, but it is great if you can remember that only an hour ago it was the best.  Easy come, easy go.  BPD mom is the same way--right now it is great, so it has always been great.  Now I feel bad, so everything and everyone always is bad. 

But if I keep my heart open, it is so sweet to have a best day every now and again.  And it is free--no expectations, she will not ever really remember it.  It is just off with the wind, and gone. 

[ennie]

Today was a most beautiful day! 

So I have been with DH 7 years, and the first couple of years I tried hard to be open to BPD mom, with boundaries.  That worked for awhile, then she hated DH for a few years, then she hated me for a few years. 

So this past fall, I had a health crisis and an operation, and the BPD mom was suddenly completely kind and sweet.  Which is fairly predictable, as she is very at ease with more serious trauma; she seems normal at those times, kind and loving even, or at least normal-ish. 

This past month, she has been drinking more and acting crazier.  Also, texting mean things and trying to take control in many challenging ways.

Today the kids had performances in front of the community, and we were all going to be there.  Because things have seemed more chaotic, we really expected the worst.  She showed up smelling of alcohol, usually a sign that things are going sideways. 

But that did not happen.  DH and I greeted her when she arrived, hugged her.  DH had a role in the performance, the kids were busy with their parts, so mom and I hung out.  She put her arm in mine, and we chatted amiably.  it was one of the kids' birthdays, so she pulled DH and I in front of the audience to sing happy birthday, asking us first, and with her arm in mine, she announced "It is our wonderful daughter's birthday." 

My SD loved to see us together looking happy--she has seen the opposite so many times.  And the SD whose birthday it was tells us that she loves mommy and daddy and me all the same, she just needs her mommy more because she is SD's mommy.  Her greatest wish would be for mommy, daddy, and me and her sister and her to all live in the same house together.  So for her to see this, and to see her mom acknowledge me in a happy way as a parent was amazing for her.  My other SD is very clear mom his her mom, I am NOT, but birthday SD really sees us all as parents who just play different roles in her life. 

BPD mom did not get drunk, behaved appropriately the whole time, and was actually loving with us, and not even clingy with the kids. 

It really was a little miracle. 

I want to say that I am so grateful that both DH and I can keep are hearts open enough to enjoy the good parts.  The tricky thing about BPD is there is no internal consistency, no coherent sense of self, so BPDmom trashes us and then two days later acts like we are her best friends.  But that is also the beautiful thing.  As long as we feel good about it, which we do more and more as DH and I get better about saying "no" when that is the best answer, why not enjoy the fun parts?  There is no teaching her, really.  It is not like we have to level the scales before moving on so she will learn, because she does not even remember, much less learn . So we are free to just enjoy the fun parts.  It does not help to give in during the hard times; but at the same time, it does not help to hold on to the bad feelings, because it is ridiculous to expect any rhyme or reason from her. 

SO we had a lovely spring day, arm in arm with DH's BPD ex, kids thrilled, all is good.  I pushed my luck by sending her a text thanking her.  but I realized it is for me that I sent it.  Because I AM grateful, and I wish to feel that feeling and to express it to all of the people in my life, even the most difficult ones.

And later, at the end of the day, 3 or 4 people who know our family and BPD ex well over many years approached me and talked to me about how moved they were by our willingness to still be loving to her.  People who have long since stopped communication with her.  I told one person how surprised I was about how easy it is for me to feel love for her, when two days ago she was being terrible and it felt hard to stay open at all.  But then it came right back.  And my friend said, "That is because you are exceptionally skilled at loving.  It is one of your gifts." 

And I realized that that is true, and how grateful I am for that.  I know this sounds like tooting my horn, but I really want to express how much in that moment I just saw the truth in that, not like I am better for being that way, but just being aware of how grateful I am to have that capacity that made me get to experience such a beautiful day.  We all have strengths and weaknesses; this week I got REALLY angry at SD14 and yelled at her really loudly for the first time in a long time.  I felt so sad and ashamed at that.  So many parents and step parents are more patient and tolerant than I am. 

But how cool that where I excel creates so much happiness for me, while also being so darned useful for others. 

So it was a really good day.  I think for me the best thing about BPD is this ability for BPDmom to just be fine all of a sudden, for a little while.  In fact, not just fine, to be great.  That she does not keep her story straight, that we are not always the bad guy even if two days ago we were the devil.  But today it is different.  It is like SD10 when she was four.  At 4pm, she would say, "this is the best day of my whole life."  By 6 pm, she informed us that this was the worst day of her whole life.  It is hard being told it is the worst day, but it is great if you can remember that only an hour ago it was the best.  Easy come, easy go.  BPD mom is the same way--right now it is great, so it has always been great.  Now I feel bad, so everything and everyone always is bad. 

But if I keep my heart open, it is so sweet to have a best day every now and again.  And it is free--no expectations, she will not ever really remember it.  It is just off with the wind, and gone. 

[ForeverDad]

I'm speechless.  Thank you for sharing your wonderful conflict-free day.  Take them whenever you can get them!

[livednlearned]

I'm speechless too! Thanks for sharing this, Ennie. It's bittersweet -- I wish it could be this way for our families, especially for our kids. Even for BPD sufferers themselves. There's no question the conflict-free moments help our kids.