Custody Evaluation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm a little worried about the custody evaluation that is scheduled in about 3 weeks. It is done by the court. Usually each parent would pay $150 for this. I got a notice in the mail and it says should take 1-3 hours, so I don't think it's very in depth like I see described here.

I had a hearing for temporary custody just a week ago and thought it would be simple, and I made a mistake of not hiring a lawyer (I still consulted with one to be prepared). I didn't attack my ex in any way, but she did claiming to be a victim of DV. She called the police once but after they spoke with me I wasn't arrested. It didn't matter. The judge gave her everything she asked, and I'm sure she hates me already. I got once a week visitation, but the order hasn't been signed by the judge so it's not enforceable.

I talked with one attorney about the CE, and she said you don't want to appear to attacking your ex too much. I don't know how to let them know about her behavior without attacking her. I do have her texts with unreasonable demands (mostly manipulation visitations) printed, and I have a bunch of voice recordings with her screaming and cursing which I think somebody has to listen.

I'm going to see another attorney this week and most likely will retain her, so will see what advice I get.

What is a good way to present all the evidence to the CE? From what I understand it will be a joint meeting with my ex, so I don't wanna turn it into a circus.

[New_dad.]

I'm a little worried about the custody evaluation that is scheduled in about 3 weeks. It is done by the court. Usually each parent would pay $150 for this. I got a notice in the mail and it says should take 1-3 hours, so I don't think it's very in depth like I see described here.

I had a hearing for temporary custody just a week ago and thought it would be simple, and I made a mistake of not hiring a lawyer (I still consulted with one to be prepared). I didn't attack my ex in any way, but she did claiming to be a victim of DV. She called the police once but after they spoke with me I wasn't arrested. It didn't matter. The judge gave her everything she asked, and I'm sure she hates me already. I got once a week visitation, but the order hasn't been signed by the judge so it's not enforceable.

I talked with one attorney about the CE, and she said you don't want to appear to attacking your ex too much. I don't know how to let them know about her behavior without attacking her. I do have her texts with unreasonable demands (mostly manipulation visitations) printed, and I have a bunch of voice recordings with her screaming and cursing which I think somebody has to listen.

I'm going to see another attorney this week and most likely will retain her, so will see what advice I get.

What is a good way to present all the evidence to the CE? From what I understand it will be a joint meeting with my ex, so I don't wanna turn it into a circus.

[ForeverDad]

I wonder if that's what my court called their Parenting Investigation.  It was conducted by a social worker on staff at domestic court.  It was right after mediation had failed, so it was begun about 6 months into my nearly two year divorce.  It also involved some interviews and the investigator also made sure to see our child twice, once with each parent, clearly to observe how our child behaved with each of us.  In my case, it worked out good and bad for me, good that I was recommended to move up from alternate weekends to equal time, bad that the court did nothing about that.  Apparently social worker licenses don't allow them to make custody recommendations, so the SW said a custody evaluation was needed to make a recommendation about custody.  So after those four months were concluded, the in-depth custody evaluation began, another 4-5 months.

Besides making a quick assessment of both parents and seeing the children with both parents, you may be asked to take psych eval tests such as MMPI2, however tests alone and a few hours are not all that a thorough or in-depth custody evaluation involves.

Courts often don't want to get involved with recordings - besides the time involved the judges may have concerns how valid the recordings are in case they were cut, edited or staged.  However, the social workers and custody evaluators will likely listen and read your documentation and those professionals can report their conclusions to the court.

In my case my ex's rants and rages on the phone started before we separated.  But for one reason or another they didn't actually get played in court until years later - new recordings, the court viewed old evidence as 'stale' or too old to consider - and that did make an impression on the court.  The decision repeatedly admonished mother concerning her 'disparagement' of father in the hearing of our son.

[New_dad.]

Thank you ForeverDad. Can I PM you for more details? I will know more tomorrow when I will see the new attorney. I went to see one of the best family lawyers in town last week but he charges $400/hour, and I almost hired him. Then after some thinking that it can go to trial and get very expensive I decided to save the money and use it for an expert witness, or appeals if needed.

The notice says "children are not allowed, and may be interviewed at a later date. The purpose of this joint interview is to allow both parents to engage in communication and negotiation in an effort to resolve your dispute".

It's scheduled 30 days after the last court date. I also have a court paper ordering this evaluation, and psych evaluation was not ordered, nor anybody asked for it yet.

It seems like the process is different in each state.

[Matt]

You definitely want to find an attorney who has experience with this process, and if possible also experience with someone who has problems like your ex.

I think it is critical to address the accusations against you, even if they are not raised again - you need to find a way to bring them up.  Find a way to calmly state that the accusations of DV are false, and clearly state any other false accusations your ex has made.  Make it clear if there is a pattern of false accusations.  Bring any evidence you can to support what you are saying.

Don't take all your time in denying things - say clearly that the accusations are false, and show your evidence, and then move on.

If you have any evidence that your ex has done things that are harmful to the child, state that very clearly, and offer the evidence.

Try to make it mostly about the child not your ex.  Show that you are ready to take care of all the child's needs and say what you think will be best - if it's 50/50 or whatever.

Be prepared with a specific schedule - when the child would be with you and when she would be with her mom - and explain why you think that is the best schedule.  Say where you think would be best for exchanges and why - your place, or her mom's place, or some other place.  Probably best to do it where other people are around, like a busy McDonalds for example, so there will be less chance of accusations.

Find the criteria for custody where you live - any family law attorney should know that or you can find it online - and be prepared to address each one and tell why you are a good fit.  For example, if one of the criteria is "Education", explain why you can do a good job helping the child with her homework, and give examples to illustrate your point.

[ForeverDad]

Appeals are rare - and very expensive.  Also, appeals can't include any evidence that wasn't presented in court before.  What I'm saying is that it's usually best to get it right, or as right as reasonably possible, the first time around.  The most expensive lawyer is not always the best.  But it may be if your other choice is to get a lawyer that claims lower fees but bills for every little thing.  Probably best to go by reputation and proactive stance rather than quotes $$$.  Usually a lawyer who knows the judges and other professionals and has a good reputation as a problem solving yet assertive (for you) lawyer is what you want.  You don't want a lawyer who just promises to file the forms and walk you though the process.  That may be okay for most divorce cases but high conflict divorces are not for the form-filing lawyers.

In my case, my divorce lawyer at the beginning estimated 7-9 for a typical divorce with children.  It turned out to take 23.5 months from filing to final decree because we had continuances and had to check off every item on the court's check list.  The experiences here are fairly common among the members here, your experience may be less extreme but no one knows how it will turn out until you're on the other side.

[New_dad.]

Hi Matt. Thanks for the advice, it makes perfect sense. Yes I know those accusations need to be addressed. Her whole case is based on painting me as a violent abuser, and the fact I was arrested for DV 5 years ago doesn't help either (charges were later dropped by the DA after my previous ex showed them her mental health treatment).

Our child just turned 1, so it doesn't seem like she has done anything harmful as of yet. She has 3 other kids from her ex, and she lost custody a while ago. She only gets visitations - same thing she is trying to do to me. Is this something I should bring up during evaluation or they will find out?

[New_dad.]

Appeals are rare - and very expensive.  Also, appeals can't include any evidence that wasn't presented in court before.  What I'm saying is that it's usually best to get it right, or as right as reasonably possible, the first time around.  The most expensive lawyer is not always the best.  But it may be if your other choice is to get a lawyer that claims lower fees but bills for every little thing.  Probably best to go by reputation and proactive stance rather than quotes $$$.  Usually a lawyer who knows the judges and other professionals and has a good reputation as a problem solving yet assertive (for you) lawyer is what you want.  You don't want a lawyer who just promises to file the forms and walk you though the process.  That may be okay for most divorce cases but high conflict divorces are not for the form-filing lawyers.

In my case, my divorce lawyer at the beginning estimated 7-9 for a typical divorce with children.  It turned out to take 23.5 months from filing to final decree because we had continuances and had to check off every item on the court's check list.  The experiences here are fairly common among the members here, your experience may be less extreme but no one knows how it will turn out until you're on the other side.

The reason I mentioned appeals is in case the judge is biased, and so far she seemed to be but maybe that's because she hasn't seen any evidence yet. We'll see. I feel it's better to get a lawyer from a small firm and get more personal attention.

Luckily I'm not doing a divorce, and I'm expecting to go to trial. Maybe by some miracle (and after presenting some evidence) my lawyer can negotiate a deal that's acceptable. I'm pretty sure my ex wants me to have as little custody and visitations as possible, so that I have to be good i.e. listen to her nonsense if I want more visits. Another thing is she got a free lawyer, so she doesn't care how long this takes.

[ForeverDad]

She has 3 other kids from her ex, and she lost custody a while ago. She only gets visitations - same thing she is trying to do to me. Is this something I should bring up during evaluation or they will find out?

This is VERY important, perhaps the most important of all, that she has previously come under court scrutiny and had her parenting time reduced.  Help the custody evaluator out by having the case numbers, county, orders, etc that support her current status with her older children.  Don't be a blamer - professionals don't want complainers, they want facts and solutions - but also state that you've concluded she is repeating the pattern from her prior marriage.

[New_dad.]

ForeverDad,

Yes I think it should be important. However she will admit to making mistakes and being a bad mother, and say that now she's been a better parent... . and I agree with that to an extent. What happened after her divorce was she moved 3 hours away and was coming to see the kids while having joint custody. Obviously it wasn't easy driving back and forth so she wasn't involved with kids' school and sometimes would be late or couldn't make it. Moving away was obviously a bad judgement on her part. About a year after divorce her ex filed to transfer custody and it was granted. She never abused the kids physically but they had to witness her crazy behaviors.

Good news. I hired a very decent attorney today and after talking to her I feel relieved. She suggested that I bring all the evidence for the custody evaluation, and we have another appointment to prepare for that. She seems she knows what she's doing and she had plenty of cases involving mental health issues. She also said it depends on the individual evaluator if he/she will consider her past custody situation - some can feel its relevant, and some will think its in the past.