MC Session ... Err HELP

[deflated]

Hi

Just come in from an MC session that I'm struggling to understand - HELP!

Its all a bit of a blur, but seemed to consist of:

- wife's first comment was " Well, you know I've spent the whole day considering how I'm going to end up a single woman "

- uBPDwife doing a LOT of bashing, digging up old 'transgressions' continuing to explain to me why I am , in fact, an ass and why its her perogative to tell me

- me getting REALLY frustrated with the BS that was going down

- the psychologist coming through with maybe 3 insights , I think NONE of which hit home to the wife

and now ... we get home and wife has " gone ".

What the hell just happened there.  I feel like wife ambushed me with kind of 'case files' delivery of the exact reasoning that leads to me being an ass and the cause of everything... . And then a lot of brawling happened, then it was kind of " ding - ok guys thanks , see you in a fortnight".  What the ? just happened!  What is the wife doing now ?  I'm half afraid she's going to turn up here with a hired goon and get me bashed or somehting!  eeek... . hopefully not... . Just know whatever happens next will be the last thing I expect... .

[deflated]

ok further updates. wife has now returned to the house and elected to sleep in the spare room.  No real talking to speak of.

The psych had told her 'no more silent treatment' and 'no more abuse' ... i guess that didnt resonate.  Although there's been no outbursts just that genuine angry energy as she folds up the pile of washing (of hers... . ) that she's left there for the last month and makes a big demonstration of really talking to the dogs while ignoring me.  Bloody hell... . I want a refund on that session!

This morning there was this fight that finished with her saying " we'll bring that up in counselling" .  I guess it didnt go the way she wanted ?  Maybe she thought that the psych would explain to me why everything's my fault ?  Who knows. Its really hard - the hypersensitivity means that even though we're in counselling to "save our marriage" - the moment anything confronts her [ like "gee - calling someone an ass then giving them the silent treatment isnt really a constructive way to proceed " ] .  The baby gets thrown out with the bathwater...

This is lame.  I feel like I'm trapped in some a web of imminent demise.  Waiting for the axe to drop sort of thing.  I've put so much in here for the last 8 years and now ... what ... there's no substance here - nothing to draw upon.  I'm only as good as my last transgression. 

Stepping back a bit... . well... . I guess its time to put an action plan together.  From what I've seen so far there's no recognition of the remotest possibility that _she_ could have anything to resolve ... so ... probably time to find a lawyer and work out how to protect myself?  Do you think thats where we're at?

[Infared]

My experience with BPD's is that they never look at themselves, you are to blame for any and everything that has ever gone wrong in their life. Most "reasoning" on her part is like that of an extremely self-centered 5-year old child. That did not change in my interaction with my BPD.

[Surnia]

Hi deflated

I am sorry to hear all this. 

MC can be a very difficult road. We often recommend single T first for quite a while.

Did I got that right from your other posts, is the MC T the same T like her's?

My own MC was a disaster too. I stopped it after the 3 session. I reached out for a T for myself. 

[thicker skin]

I think that MC can only work if both parties are prepared to see and own their own part of the relationship. If the only goal is to prove that one of you is defective and deserves to be treated badly, there is no room to move forward. Winning is the goal, not a better relationship.

It failed badly for me. He sat waiting to go in, saying what he should have done to me, how he should have lived his life aka alone and trashed every year we'd had together. He then went in, called me a pathological liar, lied through his teeth and frothed at the mouth, he screamed so much. He wanted to be right and for me to accept his reality. I could not agree with his version of me, because his anger and victim status was pure paranoia and twisted stories. For example, he repeatedly screamed that I only talked about sex at work and had no respect or boundaries... . He'd be correct to think that if what he was saying was true. I didn't know what he was talking about. Some 14 months later, he told me what had upset him so much and he was still hostile.  I had heard a rude joke at work. Translated by him, I was lacking moral fibre, appearing available for sex and disrespecting him.

The therapist wasn't learned enough to ask for examples of my 'abhorrent' behaviour and instead, accepted the perceptions of a very angry, sensitive and upset man. I did ask him in the session, to be more specific and tell me what I'd done, but he just kept on screaming the same thing over and over. They were his feelings, not facts. Perceptions, not reality. Hearing a joke is not a crime.

Ask her if she wants a better marriage, or just to be correct. You both will have failed each other at times and been less than perfect. There will be spats between you and cutting remarks... . I've no doubt you both feel unheard and unloved, which will spill into your days... . You wouldn't be in MC if everything was hunky dory.

It sounds like she feels that you have neglected her feelings and don't want her to be happy, so she's no intention of making you happy and comfortable either... .

[bruceli]

ok further updates. wife has now returned to the house and elected to sleep in the spare room.  No real talking to speak of.



The psych had told her 'no more silent treatment' and 'no more abuse' ... i guess that didnt resonate.  Although there's been no outbursts just that genuine angry energy as she folds up the pile of washing (of hers... . ) that she's left there for the last month and makes a big demonstration of really talking to the dogs while ignoring me.  Bloody hell... . I want a refund on that session!

This morning there was this fight that finished with her saying " we'll bring that up in counselling" .  I guess it didnt go the way she wanted ?  Maybe she thought that the psych would explain to me why everything's my fault ?  Who knows. Its really hard - the hypersensitivity means that even though we're in counselling to "save our marriage" - the moment anything confronts her [ like "gee - calling someone an ass then giving them the silent treatment isnt really a constructive way to proceed " ] .  The baby gets thrown out with the bathwater...

This is lame.  I feel like I'm trapped in some a web of imminent demise.  Waiting for the axe to drop sort of thing.  I've put so much in here for the last 8 years and now ... what ... there's no substance here - nothing to draw upon.  I'm only as good as my last transgression. 

Stepping back a bit... . well... . I guess its time to put an action plan together.  From what I've seen so far there's no recognition of the remotest possibility that _she_ could have anything to resolve ... so ... probably time to find a lawyer and work out how to protect myself?  Do you think thats where we're at?

IMO/IME, the worst thing you can say to a pwPD is don't do__________!  They will more than likely do the opposite.

It gets you to react and act like the Ah#le she says you are... . " SEEE... . look at how you are acting towards me."  Baited, hooked and reeling you in.  The only way to win the game is NOT to play.  Using the toolds provided here... . Validate and detach with love often times works well in situations like this.  Took me QUITE awhile to learn this.

[ugghh]

Deflated, as was mentioned in another post on this board, pwBPD only see value in MC as long as the counselor is a willing accomplice /ally to them, supporting their distorted victim mentality.  The typical time where MC seems to blow up if the T is any good at all is between 3 and 5 sessions.  A couple sessions of listening, getting to know you, then when they actually try to start making some progress /suggestions, it is usually all over.

Stepping back a bit... . well... . I guess its time to put an action plan together.  From what I've seen so far there's no recognition of the remotest possibility that _she_ could have anything to resolve ... so ... probably time to find a lawyer and work out how to protect myself?  Do you think thats where we're at?

This is most certainly true.

Step 1 - As Surnia indicated, you need to get a counselor for yourself.  It is critical to help you sort out where you are at currently and what your goals are for both yourself and the relationship.

Step 2 - I would at least begin interviewing or seeking recommendations for a good attorney.  Divorce from a BPD is rarely a simple matter, and usually recommend well established lawyers who only practice family law.  This is not for new law school grad or the person who is doing divorces between personal injury cases.

[maxsterling]

My GF and I have gone to two couples counselors.  And we hadn't even been together for a full year.  The first one, after 3-4 sessions, my GF declared wasn't getting us anywhere because the T always took my side and must have a crush on me.  She wasn't a bad T, but probably more trained to deal with couples that are at least partially emotionally stable.

Second T seems to have clued in early on to the BPD.  I can tell by the way T talks to GF with tons of validation.  Most sessions are 75% of the time T talking to GF about how to get her life stable.  And so far, it has been helpful.  I think the T knows my frustration and exhaustion without me really having to state it, and knows that relationship issues can't be solved until both parties can emotionally work together.  So far, I think the progress has been okay, because it provides a safe forum for my GF to vent or for me to bring up my feelings without a dangerous or violent melt down.

But on the other hand, it's sloow progress, because GF keeps going back to the same issues and desire to blame her issues on me.  Usually, that defuses by the end of the session, and we leave with GF much, much calmer. 

I'll agree wholeheartedly with the other poster who mentioned that telling a pwBPD to change their behavior is a major landmine.  Our T instead validates my GF's crappy negative attitude and struggles, then tries to get her to come up with suggestions of how to improve upon that. 

I think it doesn't just take training, but also experience for a T to deal well with a pwBPD.  Other people you can suggest things that they can do differently and not be met with resentment.  But a pwBPD - they want someone to fix things without having to admit they are the one that needs to do the fixing.