Update - Advice needed about job search

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In a previous post I described my BPDWife's failure to obtain employment.  I have already described that she has a college degree and several specialized licenses but won't find a job.  She will only look at menial positions like care giver, baby sitter, or assembly line work.

Now she has taken a job baby sitting an elderly couple with dementia.  This is an overnight position 3 days per week.  The pay isn't bad but there are certainly better positions for her with her skill set.  In addition she is now talking about baby sitting kids for someone 30 miles from our home for 40 hours per week.  This on top of the 3 nights per week with the elderly couple.

Someone already pointed out that this could be a cover up for hanky panky.  It could also be a ruse to add more chaos to our lives.  This may just be a way to punish me for pushing her to work.  

I want her to work for her for her own mental health.  I want her to have friends outside the home and to feel needed.  I want her to contribute to the home finances to help me and to feel good about herself.

What do you folks think?  My inclination is to do nothing, not fight it, let it run its course.  Any advice is appreciated.

[tired-of-it-all]

In a previous post I described my BPDWife's failure to obtain employment.  I have already described that she has a college degree and several specialized licenses but won't find a job.  She will only look at menial positions like care giver, baby sitter, or assembly line work.

Now she has taken a job baby sitting an elderly couple with dementia.  This is an overnight position 3 days per week.  The pay isn't bad but there are certainly better positions for her with her skill set.  In addition she is now talking about baby sitting kids for someone 30 miles from our home for 40 hours per week.  This on top of the 3 nights per week with the elderly couple.

Someone already pointed out that this could be a cover up for hanky panky.  It could also be a ruse to add more chaos to our lives.  This may just be a way to punish me for pushing her to work.  

I want her to work for her for her own mental health.  I want her to have friends outside the home and to feel needed.  I want her to contribute to the home finances to help me and to feel good about herself.

What do you folks think?  My inclination is to do nothing, not fight it, let it run its course.  Any advice is appreciated.

[martillo]

I dont know what your wife's degree is in but she may like the feeling of being in control in caregiver positions.  Or she might also have some codependent type caregiver traits.  No advice other than I would definitely encourage her job search through the "we need the financial stimulus" approach. 

If you tell her she would benefit from new friends or from the mind stimulation, she might take it to mean she is dull, boring and needs new friends... . I have learned in my situation that it is never a good idea to suggest that uBPDh and/or our family could benefit from changes on his part!   

[corraline]

 She is punishing you by working too much ,this may be a cover up for hanky panky , a ruse to add more chaos.

All of the possibilities sound like they must be pretty concerning for you right now.

Do you have anything that backs up her new employment ?  Does she tell you much about the clients she is taking care of?

It's so hard when there is so much lack of trust in a relationship.

I've wondered about my ex's employment at times too.  He told me he was employed full time when i first met him.  I found out later he was not.  He had been reprimanded and on a leave. Other times, when i felt fear about whether he was telling me the truth about when or where he was working, it was the absolute truth. ugh... .

things may reveal themselves in time i'm sure.   

[tired-of-it-all]

Thanks to both of you for your reply.

I think I will give it time and see where it goes.  I have learned from alanon to try not to force solutions.  I will see what happens with her new job.  BTW, she did not take the other babysitting job.  She is working the caregiver to elderly job only.  She seems to be very happy with it for now.  I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet and see what tomorrow brings.

[corraline]

tired

that's great 

[Skip]

Someone already pointed out that this could be a cover up for hanky panky.  It could also be a ruse to add more chaos to our lives.  This may just be a way to punish me for pushing her to work.

But you've lived with her for 30 years - do you thinks its a plot?  Does she plot?

[tired-of-it-all]

She plots all the time.  She is also sexually addicted or has a great sexual appetite at the least.  Of course sometimes there is physical pleasure in that. 

Like everyone on this forum, I want to believe her.  I want to trust her.  I forgive so quickly.  I know that all of this goes with BPD and those who are attracted to them.  I am a fool.