Any way to stay married and regain control of the money

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm going to try to get a meeting with my lawyer later this week... . to educate myself better on my options.

I have a practical issue that I am hoping to solve without blowing up the marriage... . but I have the attitude now that if the marriage does blow up... . so be it.  Hope that makes sense.

After a long period of fantasy stories about my control of money and all the things I "do" to her to not let her have control... . she goes and transfers $30k out of our joint checking and into an account at a bank I have never banked at.  I'm guessing it must be in only her name... . because I have never signed papers.

She did this on same day that she was demanding me sign over cars... . showed up at my work telling them that I was supposed to go to DMV... . etc etc.  It just so happened that my work schedule for that day had me about an hour away for most of the day.  So I was not present for this.  Basically... . one of my "limits" is that I try not to vary my schedule to her demands. 

Anyway... . what I think happened is that she got upset because I didn't do what she said... . and in a fit wrote two checks (I have copies) to transfer the money.  My gut says that know she has realized that she overstepped... . but doesn't know what to do.

Note:  I have not directly confronted her about this.  It has been on the list to discuss at several counseling sessions but we never got that far down the list to discuss. 

To be clear:  I don't care about the money... . it is just a practical thing.  If I knew that sacrificing the money would somehow lead to her getting better and the family staying together... . I would be fine with that choice.

She of course has demanded divorces many times... . but never has made a move.  Based on her sisters actions... . I think she wants me to make a move so she can play victim.  Sister backed my ex bro in law into a corner where he felt he had to file... . and she played that for all its worth.  Granted... . she looked ridiculous to most everyone while doing it. 

Anyway.  I'm in North Carolina.  Is there any procedure to put the money under supervision of an attorney or someone that looks out for my kids interests... . so that it can be "for the kids"... . and not a battle between me an her.

We have a lot of real estate assetts but are very cash poor at the moment.  So... . her moving that money pretty much puts us paycheck to paycheck.  We have suffered 1 foreclosure of an investment property due to her mismanagement... . and me standing aside (willingly) to let her handle it.

If she is handling it... . then she has an eye on the whores that I have in our rental properties.  Because they are certainly not there for us to make money on... . they are for my pleasure... . (or so my uBPDw's reasoning goes)

She is smart enough and has managed the properties before... . so it's not about her not being capable.


Anyway... . I'm looking for any advice you guys have.  Just know that my primary goal is to stick together.  I have to balance that by the impact of me standing aside and hoping she will come to her senses.  I've known about BPD for 4-5 months now.  So... I'm still getting better at validation and all that.

I was unwise in giving her control of properties earlier... . that was before I knew about BPD.  Makes sense to me... . that any reasonably person would figure out that dealing with rentals is a pain in the ass... . and she would figure out quick I was not in it to create of pool of women ready to satisfy my cravings... .  

Now the story is that I "tricked" her into managing the rentals... . sigh... .

[formflier]

I'm going to try to get a meeting with my lawyer later this week... . to educate myself better on my options.

I have a practical issue that I am hoping to solve without blowing up the marriage... . but I have the attitude now that if the marriage does blow up... . so be it.  Hope that makes sense.

After a long period of fantasy stories about my control of money and all the things I "do" to her to not let her have control... . she goes and transfers $30k out of our joint checking and into an account at a bank I have never banked at.  I'm guessing it must be in only her name... . because I have never signed papers.

She did this on same day that she was demanding me sign over cars... . showed up at my work telling them that I was supposed to go to DMV... . etc etc.  It just so happened that my work schedule for that day had me about an hour away for most of the day.  So I was not present for this.  Basically... . one of my "limits" is that I try not to vary my schedule to her demands. 

Anyway... . what I think happened is that she got upset because I didn't do what she said... . and in a fit wrote two checks (I have copies) to transfer the money.  My gut says that know she has realized that she overstepped... . but doesn't know what to do.

Note:  I have not directly confronted her about this.  It has been on the list to discuss at several counseling sessions but we never got that far down the list to discuss. 

To be clear:  I don't care about the money... . it is just a practical thing.  If I knew that sacrificing the money would somehow lead to her getting better and the family staying together... . I would be fine with that choice.

She of course has demanded divorces many times... . but never has made a move.  Based on her sisters actions... . I think she wants me to make a move so she can play victim.  Sister backed my ex bro in law into a corner where he felt he had to file... . and she played that for all its worth.  Granted... . she looked ridiculous to most everyone while doing it. 

Anyway.  I'm in North Carolina.  Is there any procedure to put the money under supervision of an attorney or someone that looks out for my kids interests... . so that it can be "for the kids"... . and not a battle between me an her.

We have a lot of real estate assetts but are very cash poor at the moment.  So... . her moving that money pretty much puts us paycheck to paycheck.  We have suffered 1 foreclosure of an investment property due to her mismanagement... . and me standing aside (willingly) to let her handle it.

If she is handling it... . then she has an eye on the whores that I have in our rental properties.  Because they are certainly not there for us to make money on... . they are for my pleasure... . (or so my uBPDw's reasoning goes)

She is smart enough and has managed the properties before... . so it's not about her not being capable.


Anyway... . I'm looking for any advice you guys have.  Just know that my primary goal is to stick together.  I have to balance that by the impact of me standing aside and hoping she will come to her senses.  I've known about BPD for 4-5 months now.  So... I'm still getting better at validation and all that.

I was unwise in giving her control of properties earlier... . that was before I knew about BPD.  Makes sense to me... . that any reasonably person would figure out that dealing with rentals is a pain in the ass... . and she would figure out quick I was not in it to create of pool of women ready to satisfy my cravings... .  

Now the story is that I "tricked" her into managing the rentals... . sigh... .

[ForeverDad]

Just know that my primary goal is to stick together.

Is she in effective and progressing therapy?  If not, then you will likely have to adjust your goals.

I'm not saying setting better boundaries and improving your communication skills won't help, it can.  For a while, but long term it may not be enough.  A marriage can be healthy and functional only if both are working to make it work.  Once can't do it alone.  You can't drag her kicking and screaming away from the dysfunction.

In other words, the past is a good predictor of the future.  If things have been progressively getting worse and worse, that will continue.  In general it's almost as though a pwBPD has to push boundaries and keep pushing, reciprocation isn't a consistent part of the playbook.  Any consideration and relaxation of boundaries only enables more incursions.

I guess you can see that it was unwise to keep so much money in a joint account.  Going forward, can you keep any excess money in a personal account she can't raid at a whim?  There's nothing illegal about that if you are married, remember, she already did it to you.  If she complains, well, that can be one of your new boundaries, you have to protect the remaining marital money.  And if she really complains, then tell her she'd have to return the $$$.  Alas, her emotional perceptions will carry more weight with her than your logic and reasoning.

[formflier]

Just know that my primary goal is to stick together.

Is she in effective and progressing therapy?  If not, then you will likely have to adjust your goals.

No it's not effective... . and no it is not progressing.  I unfortunately think you are correct about new goals. 

I'm not saying setting better boundaries and improving your communication skills won't help, it can.  For a while, but long term it may not be enough.  A marriage can be healthy and functional only if both are working to make it work.  Once can't do it alone.  You can't drag her kicking and screaming away from the dysfunction.  I agree... . my current tactics... . when things are public in the family... . is to be even and measured... . to her unreasonbleness.  So hopefully I can be a good example.

In other words, the past is a good predictor of the future.  If things have been progressively getting worse and worse, that will continue.I... unfortunately... . believe you are right  In general it's almost as though a pwBPD has to push boundaries and keep pushing, reciprocation isn't a consistent part of the playbook.  Any consideration and relaxation of boundaries only enables more incursions.