I'm giving up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The stress has been through the roof!

The hearing is next Wednesday.

Just now my lawyer wants a certified diagnosis and treatment plan from my therapist.

He says he never has been asked that and would look into it. He gave me notarized copies today.

My lawyer says that they are unacceptable in court.

Why did she wait so long to ask for them? I signed a release last fall so she could have asked at any time.

She knows I have anxiety disorder and depression.

My   was going ninety miles an hour.

Is this what life is about?

Everyone wants me to get revenge for all the &!#! my wife put me through.

I am unemployed. She wants half the value of the house purchased for 45k in 2012.

They can't kick me out on the street.

I have been nominated to the Board of Directors of a local community health and social services organization.

I am in training to become an intentional peer support specialist in a program offered by the state I was selected for.

I have a future, but not if I have to battle my wife in court.

Over what?

My life is too fragile now to go through with it.

So I'm thinking just say, okay I'll pay you off, but only when I am earning enough money to do so.

Since I decided this my stress has decreased significantly.

What do you think?

[oblivian2013]

The stress has been through the roof!

The hearing is next Wednesday.

Just now my lawyer wants a certified diagnosis and treatment plan from my therapist.

He says he never has been asked that and would look into it. He gave me notarized copies today.

My lawyer says that they are unacceptable in court.

Why did she wait so long to ask for them? I signed a release last fall so she could have asked at any time.

She knows I have anxiety disorder and depression.

My   was going ninety miles an hour.

Is this what life is about?

Everyone wants me to get revenge for all the &!#! my wife put me through.

I am unemployed. She wants half the value of the house purchased for 45k in 2012.

They can't kick me out on the street.

I have been nominated to the Board of Directors of a local community health and social services organization.

I am in training to become an intentional peer support specialist in a program offered by the state I was selected for.

I have a future, but not if I have to battle my wife in court.

Over what?

My life is too fragile now to go through with it.

So I'm thinking just say, okay I'll pay you off, but only when I am earning enough money to do so.

Since I decided this my stress has decreased significantly.

What do you think?

[ForeverDad]

Just now my lawyer wants a certified diagnosis and treatment plan from my therapist.

This was her lawyer's demand that your lawyer forwarded to you?  Listen to your lawyer, if unacceptable to the court then ignore and let the court decide if it comes up again later.  Don't add to your anxieties.  My assessments came back as Anxiety too.  Always repeat, these are largely situational due to your relationship circumstances.  This is not you, it is situational.  Improve the situation and you'll improve too.

I have a future, but not if I have to battle my wife in court.

Over what?

My life is too fragile now to go through with it.

So I'm thinking just say, okay I'll pay you off, but

This is what a lawyer is for, let the lawyer worry about it, you just take care of yourself.  You don't have to battle your spouse in court, you lawyer does, that's what you hired him/her for, to handle court for you, thereby insulating you from her in the process.  Probably your lawyer told you the likely outcome.  Likely it's not everything she wants, right?  So just step back emotionally and let your lawyer handle it.  This is a battle of wills and your ex is insanely determined to win and using every underhanded emotional tactic to accomplish that.  It's hard to deal personally with it so take care of yourself and let the lawyer do his/her job.  This is precisely what you need a lawyer for, besides the legal maneuvers, it is to take the brunt of the impact and get you out the other side.

And sorry, but 'gifting' her what she demands now doesn't make it easier now or later,  Odds are, once she's gotten it, she'll just demand more.  And more.

Repeat, many have commented here that they regretted giving in overmuch because (1) gifting away what leverage they had didn't improve things very much if any and (2) once they were emotionally recovered later they saw in hindsight that gifting stuff "just to get it over with" was a terrible solution.

Here's a mental/emotional exercise... . Imagine yourself 5 years from now.  In a much healthier place and frame of mind.  You look back and say to yourself, I wish I had... .   what?    Stepped back from emotional battles with my ex, focused on my own needs and let my lawyer handle the legal stuff?  And what else?

Another exercise... . imagine that it is your friend experiencing your current struggles.  You can advise your friend without any blowback risk to you, what insights and advice would you give your friend?  Write them down here.  Then change hats and re-read that advice and see if that outside-the-box objective perspective doesn't help.

[Nope]

If you don't have paperwork that the court needs, have you thought about filing a continuance? Maybe a "get it over with" approach isn't serving you best here. If you are in the house and she is trying to get you kicked out onto the street before you have a job. Then delay tactics could be your best help. Heck, scrap everything and go back to medication if you can. If you play your cards right you can continue to live in the house for another six months.

I agree with FD. Many times the BPD person counts on how quickly you would like to be rid of them as a way to hurry along a process that is not in your favor. Take real stock of how inconvenient you are to your ex and maybe you'll find that you are in a better situation than you think. Just my two cents.

[oblivian2013]

My lawyer asked for the documents. I called the hospital today. They are working on it. My case manager said that the hospital has to get their lawyers approval so they aren't held liable for anything. I guess I've come this far, I can't just give up. Last minute jitters. Thanks for your comments!

[trappeddad]

Foreverdad refers to letting the lawyers do the work and taking the stress away.    That is easy to say when you have deep pockets.    Paying the lawyers eats away at lifelong savings, and cuts into money needed for my special needs child.     The more I give my lawyer, the less I have for my son.    And hard to move on my life, as my pending bankruptcy is not very attractive to the other sex.     So I understand the "giving up" subject heading, but I continue to fight.   

[oblivian2013]

Fortunately, my lawyer is charging a flat fee being the retainer of $3,000.

We have had the last 10 months to prepare.

Her first lawyer left a few months ago, do now she has a new one. Free through a woman's shelter.

My sister and folks here have been a big help in understanding that I need to fight for this.

I've taken enough crap from this individual.

[JakeFinn]

Sometimes is time ti give up

[livednlearned]

You have no kids right? You're in a no-fault state? Married for 2.5 years.

Why in the world would she need psych reports and treatment plans?

It's harassment. A judge isn't going to care that you have anxiety and depression. Half the planet suffers from both at any given time. And there's no reason that either of those diagnoses will affect your financial settlement.

Hang in there. Focus on your awesome new job, and think about your life in 5 years when this is all behind you.

[ForeverDad]

You have no kids right? You're in a no-fault state? Married for 2.5 years.

Why in the world would she need psych reports and treatment plans?

It's harassment. A judge isn't going to care that you have anxiety and depression. Half the planet suffers from both at any given time. And there's no reason that either of those diagnoses will affect your financial settlement.

Hang in there. Focus on your awesome new job, and think about your life in 5 years when this is all behind you.

No children?  I may have missed that.  In that case, then what LivednLearned wrote fits well, pooh pooh for the stbEx.  Don't let her rain on your parade or your life.  Let her claims roll off you like water off a ducks back.

I recall my own separation and divorce.  I was a walking pincushion.  With a child and allegations against each other, we were ordered to get psych evals and report them to the lawyers.  I don't know whether she ever got one, I do know she never reported it to my lawyer.  I went, it was one interview by a grad student.  Yeah, not in depth.  Still, it reported ANXIETY.  Hey, I could have told them that.   Many of our members here, especially the ones with children, have had anxiety.

Without children and it being a short marriage, it ought to be just about the financial aspects.  Period.  Assets, debts, perhaps short term support during the divorce case.  That's it.  But she's making it into a huge theatrical scene.  Likely she'll try to milk it for all she can.  BPD is a Blamer's Disorder.  I read that phrase somewhere, probably in Stop Walking On Eggshells.  She wants you to accept blame for the marriage's failure since she can't admit it was largely her fault.  That's why she's making it so hard for you.

If you let her rent space in your head - or let her live there rent-free - then yes this will be a horrendous experience for you.  IF you let her do that to you.  But if you stand up for yourself, set boundaries for yourself, keep your distance from her both physically and emotionally, then you'll recover much sooner and be able to get your life back on track.  Yes, with a few scars from the experience, but more educated and careful when considering future relationships.

Divorce unwinds the relationship.  Don't let her live your life for you, even in marriage she should not have been dictating your life, and not that it is ending especially not now.  Don't let her set her terms on your life.  You have to assume responsibility for your own life.  Don't abdicate.  Don't let her be your sabotaging counselor, advisor or whatever.  You now know who and what she is.  Let go, move on, don't listen and don't look back.

You can see it as a cup half empty or a cup half full.  Your choice.  We hope you see it as a cup half full.