I need advice about a finance question

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone!

I am new here, but I have been reading all over this forum for quite some time now and Im happy to report I made my first post last night. I did write an introductory post on the new members board but so you all don't have to go back a read that I can give you little background so you can understand my situation better.

I have been with my SO for the past 10 years. About 3 years ago we got married. 1 year before we got married, I left him for the first time in our relationship and 6 months later we got back together. Yup I let him suck me back in. Not only did I go back to him but I moved my entire life to go be with him in another state. During the time we were apart, he couldn't handle it and lost his job, car and our apartment we had together. His mother lives in another state so he went to go live with her when we were broken up. Of course I didn't just forget all the bad that I had endured previously or the reason why I left in the first place. He said and did everything I wanted him to. He stated to go to a dr and was taking his prescriptions. That only lasted about 2 months after I was officially down there. We have since moved back to our home state, Illinois and have been back for about 2 years. 1 year was spent in our own apartment and another year was spent in my parents basement to save money for a down payment on a house. We ended up getting a wonderful opportunity to rent a house in a beautiful location from friends of ours. We have been in our house for about 2 months.

The first week moving into our new house my husband threatened to divorce me. Of course things settled down and that never happened. Now were at 2 months and he has once again threatened to divorce me, repeatedly actually. Even sending me pictures of him looking up how to file on google. Most of the time I have been ignoring him because I told him if he can't talk to me with respect that I wasn't going to participate in the conversation. He also sent me a text asking why I won't move out, and why I want to be around someone who doesn't want me there. Im sure he only said that because I said that almost exact same thing to him. That I wasn't going to be with someone who I feel doesn't love me. And he's right, I won't, just not in the way he thinks. Oh yeah not only is he threatening divorce, he really is trying to get me to move out. I hear him say things to himself like "he can't wait till she's f ing gone". He has even moved all our wedding stuff off the bookcase and took down and destroyed all our wedding pictures. The only thing I have said to him is that if he is deciding that he no longer wants to be in this marriage then it needs to be him that leaves, not me. Its not what I want. I will give him a divorce if he wants one because I won't stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I also wont let him seam roll me either. I worked my butt off to help get us in that house and I'm certainly not going to just walk away. On a side note, I have already spoken to our landlords, who are our neighbors and friends. She has already told me that if our relationship does end in divorce, it will be me they rent to, not him.  Which he thinks the opposite for some reason. Before I made him aware, he believed that being married didn't matter and that he could just kick me out for no reason just because my license isn't changed to the new address yet and his is. However he hasn't tried to pack up any of my stuff. Just moved it all after he destroyed the pictures to another room. I'm sure to get a reaction out of me. I have been really good with not giving him the reaction hes expecting from me, which is to fly off the handle and go crazy with hurt. Which I have done in the past when he did other stuff like this. He knows him leaving is a tough one for me to handle. Im sure thats a reason he always uses it, he knows it has power. However this time is different.

Back to my finance question. For the past year and half basically, I have been giving him about 200 or more every week. It's soo nice being paid every week instead of bi-weekly, anyways he's supposed to use that money for my half of our bills. Every week he gets no less than $160 cash from me, but most of the time it's $200. Our rent is $700 a month which is due on the first every month. He has already told me that as of June 7, I will have to get my own car insurance. I also pay about $100 dollars a month for his health insurance too that he always seems to forget I pay for. Since he is still threatening me with divorce, I don't think I should continue giving him more money than what my half of our bills are. That money could potentially help him pay for a lawyer. I was doing that before because were married and I thought staying married. Just as long as I have gas money to get to work and he pays all of my half of the bills, like car insurance and phone bill I can't complain. He is in charge of paying everything and I just hand him most of my paycheck every week. I am not going to give him money for bills if he's not going to give me credit for my half. What I mean by that is that I gave him $400 two weeks ago and this whole outburst happened because he said I didn't care enough about our finances. I can't afford to pay for my own car insurance and phone bills on top of giving him money that hes supposed to use to pay for it. The only thing I would still have to give him money for is rent and utilities even the rent I can probably just pay our landlords directly and not have to give him any of the money. I guess my question is how should I go about doing this? I know he is going to flip his lid if I only him enough to cover what bills I have left. I'm almost tempted to just give it to him so I don't make things worse than they are  right now. But that is really not fair. How can he threatened divorce and try to get me to leave/move out and then still get paid like were still a married couple? Any suggestions on how I should handle our finances? The only thing he is saying to me right now is that he will only talk about me moving out and divorce. I told him that was fine if he could do it with respect and of course since he can't do that we still have yet to have a conversation about how were going to go about this divorce. I'm not moving out unless I have a judges order telling me I have too and there's no way he can get that. So what do I do?

[DucatiDC]

Hello everyone!

I am new here, but I have been reading all over this forum for quite some time now and Im happy to report I made my first post last night. I did write an introductory post on the new members board but so you all don't have to go back a read that I can give you little background so you can understand my situation better.

I have been with my SO for the past 10 years. About 3 years ago we got married. 1 year before we got married, I left him for the first time in our relationship and 6 months later we got back together. Yup I let him suck me back in. Not only did I go back to him but I moved my entire life to go be with him in another state. During the time we were apart, he couldn't handle it and lost his job, car and our apartment we had together. His mother lives in another state so he went to go live with her when we were broken up. Of course I didn't just forget all the bad that I had endured previously or the reason why I left in the first place. He said and did everything I wanted him to. He stated to go to a dr and was taking his prescriptions. That only lasted about 2 months after I was officially down there. We have since moved back to our home state, Illinois and have been back for about 2 years. 1 year was spent in our own apartment and another year was spent in my parents basement to save money for a down payment on a house. We ended up getting a wonderful opportunity to rent a house in a beautiful location from friends of ours. We have been in our house for about 2 months.

The first week moving into our new house my husband threatened to divorce me. Of course things settled down and that never happened. Now were at 2 months and he has once again threatened to divorce me, repeatedly actually. Even sending me pictures of him looking up how to file on google. Most of the time I have been ignoring him because I told him if he can't talk to me with respect that I wasn't going to participate in the conversation. He also sent me a text asking why I won't move out, and why I want to be around someone who doesn't want me there. Im sure he only said that because I said that almost exact same thing to him. That I wasn't going to be with someone who I feel doesn't love me. And he's right, I won't, just not in the way he thinks. Oh yeah not only is he threatening divorce, he really is trying to get me to move out. I hear him say things to himself like "he can't wait till she's f ing gone". He has even moved all our wedding stuff off the bookcase and took down and destroyed all our wedding pictures. The only thing I have said to him is that if he is deciding that he no longer wants to be in this marriage then it needs to be him that leaves, not me. Its not what I want. I will give him a divorce if he wants one because I won't stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I also wont let him seam roll me either. I worked my butt off to help get us in that house and I'm certainly not going to just walk away. On a side note, I have already spoken to our landlords, who are our neighbors and friends. She has already told me that if our relationship does end in divorce, it will be me they rent to, not him.  Which he thinks the opposite for some reason. Before I made him aware, he believed that being married didn't matter and that he could just kick me out for no reason just because my license isn't changed to the new address yet and his is. However he hasn't tried to pack up any of my stuff. Just moved it all after he destroyed the pictures to another room. I'm sure to get a reaction out of me. I have been really good with not giving him the reaction hes expecting from me, which is to fly off the handle and go crazy with hurt. Which I have done in the past when he did other stuff like this. He knows him leaving is a tough one for me to handle. Im sure thats a reason he always uses it, he knows it has power. However this time is different.

Back to my finance question. For the past year and half basically, I have been giving him about 200 or more every week. It's soo nice being paid every week instead of bi-weekly, anyways he's supposed to use that money for my half of our bills. Every week he gets no less than $160 cash from me, but most of the time it's $200. Our rent is $700 a month which is due on the first every month. He has already told me that as of June 7, I will have to get my own car insurance. I also pay about $100 dollars a month for his health insurance too that he always seems to forget I pay for. Since he is still threatening me with divorce, I don't think I should continue giving him more money than what my half of our bills are. That money could potentially help him pay for a lawyer. I was doing that before because were married and I thought staying married. Just as long as I have gas money to get to work and he pays all of my half of the bills, like car insurance and phone bill I can't complain. He is in charge of paying everything and I just hand him most of my paycheck every week. I am not going to give him money for bills if he's not going to give me credit for my half. What I mean by that is that I gave him $400 two weeks ago and this whole outburst happened because he said I didn't care enough about our finances. I can't afford to pay for my own car insurance and phone bills on top of giving him money that hes supposed to use to pay for it. The only thing I would still have to give him money for is rent and utilities even the rent I can probably just pay our landlords directly and not have to give him any of the money. I guess my question is how should I go about doing this? I know he is going to flip his lid if I only him enough to cover what bills I have left. I'm almost tempted to just give it to him so I don't make things worse than they are  right now. But that is really not fair. How can he threatened divorce and try to get me to leave/move out and then still get paid like were still a married couple? Any suggestions on how I should handle our finances? The only thing he is saying to me right now is that he will only talk about me moving out and divorce. I told him that was fine if he could do it with respect and of course since he can't do that we still have yet to have a conversation about how were going to go about this divorce. I'm not moving out unless I have a judges order telling me I have too and there's no way he can get that. So what do I do?

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi DucatiDC

I think you know what you want to do -you are just afraid to do it and have self-doubt.

Since he is still threatening me with divorce, I don't think I should continue giving him more money than what my half of our bills are. That money could potentially help him pay for a lawyer.

You just said it right there... . "I dont think... . "  You need to stick to what you think is fair and what is not.  It doesn't seem like he is considering what is fair for you, so you need to.  You have, from what you've said here, every reason to be self-protective and cautious toward a person who is not only using threats to end the marriage to manipulate and punish you but is pressuring you to get out.

As far as getting you out of the house, I dont think he can just throw you out.  I tried to get my uBPDexw out of my house, and she pulled the whole "you can't kick me out, I've established residency."  She was right.  I had to treat her as a tenant and begin the eviction process if she would not move willingly.  How ridiculous!  My situation was different, however, because I own the home.  The owner/landlord is the one who has the ability to do that.  Ultimately, as much as you love the house, it may be worth it just to leave and find another place.  Then he can pay all his own bills.  I know you don't want to give things up, but when any relationship ends there are costs.  And that goes double when you end a relationship with someone with BPD.  It sounds like you have no kids?  If so, I would totally flee like a gazelle!  SEE YA

You just need to decide what you are willing to live with.  If you start the divorce process, then that will get the ball rolling on dividing up finances and deciding what happens with the place you are renting.  Are you both on the lease?  Or is it just you or just him?

[WalrusGumboot]

Ducati, you are in a bit of a pickle, so let's look at just a few things at a time. I went through something similar with my exBPDw just prior to and during our separation.

He wants you to leave yet still pay up like you are married and living together. Well, he needs to understand that you will have to pay for another place and you cannot pay both, so you cannot leave. Offer that he leaves. I'm sure he won't be happy with this, but it's the truth, right? Tell him if he wants the divorce, he needs to be the one to leave. You are bound to a lease and you intend on honoring that lease.

Secondly, ask for account information for all the utilities and anything else that you pay half for, or else look them up yourself. There is one way to be sure that your money is going to the proper place and that is to check up on the account regularly.

If the divorce goes through, you want to end it with your credit intact and your friendship with your neighbors intact. I got hit with all sorts of unreasonable demands, but I stood firm, and got through without my credit or good name taking a beating. YOU have to be the reasonable one between the two.

[DucatiDC]

Thank you for your fast response OutofEgypt! That's the thing, there is no lease. No paperwork from our landlords. The house is in our female landlords name. It's a couple who are not married. I'm pretty sure that means we have a month to month lease technically. So if this does go all the way to divorce, then he can divorce me and then our female landlord can give him 30 days to exit and then I can either move back in or stay on my own without him, whatever happens in the mean time idk. Either way, I will not be leaving. If my friend/landlord hadn't of told me that they want to rent to me if he really does divorce me, I'm not sure I would be as gung ho about staying as much as I am right now. But since she told me there is no way they will let him stay there without me, I feel like I have the right to hold my ground. Right now he is not aware of that fact. He doesn't know the house is in her name, not his (her boyfriend) who he is better friends with than me. He is more than welcome to leave if he wants to. But I'm staying. I'm not concerned for my safety as of yet so I strongly feel I need to hold my ground on this one. Even more so than the finances. He can't just decide he doesn't want to be married anymore and then kick me out of our marital home. I've made enough sacrifices for this marriage and I will not let him leave our marriage and then allow him to kick me out of my home all at the same time.

[DucatiDC]

Thanks WalrusGumboot! I have already told him that I believe it should be him that leaves since this is his decision. He just chooses to ignore it and goes around saying he can't wait for me to leave. Right now he thinks if it comes down to it, that our landlords will want me gone, but that is NOT the case and I have heard that directly from our landlords lips herself.

[OutOfEgypt]

One thing I thought of, and I would never recommend this unless it was a real issue:  If he ever threatens your safety, is verbally or emotionally abusive, or does anything like throwing a violent fit, even if just smashing and breaking things -you can call the police and/or possibly get a restraining order.  That could expedite getting him to move out.  Document everything.

My uBPDexw filed a restraining order against me during our divorce, by lying, in order to get control of the property temporarily and make it harder for me to try to get custody of our kids.  It was awful.  My kids (whom I was the primary parent and primary emotional bond of) couldn't see me or contact me at all except for one night a week, and since I had no place to live I took them to a hotel room. I had to live on friends' couches and sleep in my car at Walmart.  My youngest still has fears of daddy "going away", and I wonder if it is partly to do with that experience.

So, I would never suggest using this for manipulation like my ex did.  But if he puts himself, and you, in that position... . following through instead of withholding consequences can get you both separated much quicker.

Hang in there.  Avoid all conflict and getting emotionally sucked in.  I'm so sorry!

[DucatiDC]

Again thank u to all of u for your kind words and encouragement. I have already thought about the restraining order and trust me if the time ever calls for it I will call the police. He waited till I was gone to destroy our wedding pictures but had I been there I would of done it then. But I'm pretty sure he just did it just to get a reaction and when he didn't get it he keeps trying different, more mean tactics. The last time I stayed calm throughout the whole flare up it ended fairly well. He will waif at some point. Just a matter of time. But I was only able to do that just once. I myself can be very emotional and when someone is purposely attacking me, a person I'm in love with I can get upset if I let him. But so far I'm doing good with the thanks to all of you so hopefully i can stay calm and not let his childish behavior get to me. I just need to figure out how I'm going to handle this whole money situation. He does not get the benefits of being married if he wants a divorce so now I have to find a way to explain that. I'll probably also remind him this is again his choice to leave our marriage, not mine but if he does leave I have to protect myself just like u said.