Long term Relationships Only

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'd like to hear from some nonBPDs that have been in long-term relationships. Maybe, like in my case, the BPDso didn't manifest until much later in the relationship. I'm in a 28 year relationship, almost 26 years married, two kids outside home, one grandchild. Full blown BPDw began about two years ago. I need to get away, but the length of time together is just too overwhelming. Anyone else with similar experiences?

[Hopeless777]

I'd like to hear from some nonBPDs that have been in long-term relationships. Maybe, like in my case, the BPDso didn't manifest until much later in the relationship. I'm in a 28 year relationship, almost 26 years married, two kids outside home, one grandchild. Full blown BPDw began about two years ago. I need to get away, but the length of time together is just too overwhelming. Anyone else with similar experiences?

[MissyM]

We haven't been together as long as you have, married 16 years but have known each other for 24 years.  My dBPDh had problems all of our marriage but they became acute when he started abusing drugs and had a health crisis, all around the same time.  Then he became a totally out of control person.  The way you are describing it, makes me think there is something going on along with the BPD to exacerbate it or it is something else altogether.

[Wrongturn1]

Married 16 years, and the BPD has been there the whole time.  Even while we were dating, there a lot of red flags that I discounted due to her young age and the fact that we were in a long-distance relationship (plus, I was also very young and unwise at the time and did not understand how these things could turn into major problems later). 

The BPD symptoms increased significantly after we got married; then they increased significantly again after our first child was born 7 years later.  I learned about BPD after we had been married 14 years, and I have seen significant improvements in my mental health since getting out of the FOG and starting to use the tools found here and elsewhere.  My uBPDw's behaviors have improved significantly since I have started changing how I react to her, although the disorder is still clearly ever-present and she still has the occasional full-blown dysregulation.

[casper324]

My time line is close to yours.  27 years married, 29 year relationship, 3 children all grown, one lives with me.  

Trying to start over at this age is very difficult and I am hoping it can be done.  I've spent almost half my life with this man none of it easy.  The only thing that gets me though the sadness is reaffirming that I will never allow someone to treat me so badly and we are only treated badly if we allow it.  

I am trying to start over, I want to move closer to family for somewhere to land while I get my feet on the ground.  I am leaving this life and all the hopes and dreams that went along with that life.  It is very difficult.  I think it took me a half a day to pack up Christmas Ornaments from this years tree because they tell the story of my former family.  We didn't have a tree for a few years because he though this was a silly waste of money and something I enjoyed, I put up a tree for the last year in my home.  

Take comfort in knowing although this isn't easy, it would be harder in a few years.

[misterfire17]

31 years married here. The BPD symptoms were always there just didn't know what they were. For me it has increased through the years. Every month more of a struggle. I must admit my perception could affect my read on the situation. At this point for me, kids gone and married, leaving seems like an intangible dream. We have tried therapy both together and seperate. Only one of the counselors picked up on what/ who she is. Of course it was my counselor which didn't do me a bit of good except to validate what I suspected. Spend everyday on pins and needles hoping that I won't trigger her. She is so self centered much like a three year old. The whole world revolves around her. She is willing to do anything I want... . as long as it is what she wants. No stretching of limits, no vacations- except where and when she wants, no passion or intimacy. I feel for you and everyone has to make the best decision for them and theirs.

[Hopeless777]

I'm still at a loss. Four responses! I surmise that this means that most people on these boards are in very short-term relationships. I still read over and over about "fiancees" and "boyfriends/girlfriends". Its really just unbelievable to me how obsessed we can get with a partner in such a short period of time with little to no strings other than emotional ones.

[MissyM]

Hopeless, it just makes me think that most spouses have left before I have.  Think I have put up with to much, for too long.

[mywifecrazy]

Married to,uBPDxw wife for 18yrs in a r/s for 20. Have s14 and s9. My X was always pwBPD. I ust didn't know till years later after the divorce. Boy was I in the FOG! Hindsight is 20/20... . so,true. She is using the same splitting now with me as the Dark Lord evil one and her new r/s as her knight in shinning armor to rescue her from me. It's uncanny because she is using the same exact script that she used on me 20 years ago only Imwas the Knight in shinning armor back then. Of course she is ALWAYS the poor little innocent victim that is being abused! A very sad and pathetic existence.

[16YearBetrayal]

Hi Hopeless777!

I was married 16 years.  I knew my stbxBPDh since he was in 8th grade. Looking back and knowing what I know now, the first incident that I can now identify as a symptom took place when he was in 10th grade.  He displayed symptoms throughout our entire marriage.  For me it was the opposite of your situation, I think things got better and better in our relationship over time.  Never good, normal, healthy, etc. But less rages, less violence, less of the really really terrible things.

I am fairly confident that his perceived improvement was through my ability to manage him better and better the older I got.  My T believes I brought logic to his purely emotional side.  And I could often talk him out of irrational behavior.  However, as we all know a rage is a rage, and no one can stop those.  I always felt my exs eyes changed during a rage.  They were piercing and evil.   

But now that I am not doing this for him anymore, he is full blown crazy town.  One impulsive, illogical move after the next. 

Hopeless777, could you be getting healthier and therefore causing your BPDw to trigger more?  I think that might have been the cause of my r/s demise.  My ex knew I was seeing the light of day, and he ran before I did.  I don’t think pwBPD get into r/s with healthy people.  If you become more healthy during the r/s, I am presuming that is a huge trigger – especially for the undiagnosed. 

[Kadee]

34 years. 1 year out but still not much closer to a final divorce. Looking back, I now see all the red flags that I didn't recognize then, or chose to ignore. Two children, both now young adults. Horrible childhoods for them. I forgive myself for staying way too long. My kids seem to have forgiven me too. Hopefully I was always charitable enough to make up for his selfishness. We three are healing together. In some ways I envy those who figure out the BPD early in the relationship. It was long term and it only got worse and worse, until for me, the pain of leaving was oh so much less than the pain of staying.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I've only been married to my uBPDw for 4 years.  It's both our second marriages, I'm divorced and she's widowed.

We got married in our late 40's.  I haven't mentioned BPD to my brother-in-law, but we've talked a lot about her behavior and he insists she wasn't the same with her first husband.

Just one more story that the behavior can appear later in life.

[Obibens]

23 year marriage here - will be 24 in June.  I've been miserable for years, but it's only in the last one have I become aware that my wife was really uBPD/uNPD.   A 20 yr old daughter out of the house , a 17 year old son graduating HS this summer, and a 14 yr old girl still at home that I believe is the biggest reason I'm still here.  With all that said, I've been thinking about seperating and getting my own apartment for months now.  Not sure what to do about my youngest - sometimes I think that I've made it this far, why not 4 more years.   But most days I think can't even take another hour of living with her.

[Perez]

Married for 25 years, still kids at home.  Only figured out BPD within the last couple of months, looking back signs were there from the engagement forward.

Some things have gotten better, the rages are less frequent and not as intense.  The inward directed behavior has diminished.  Most other parts of the relationship continue to get worse.  The need to blame, control, and act in a self centered way seems to get worse.

Within the past six months the marriage has taken a decided turn.  I am in process of emotionally detaching from the relationship.  Setting aside my expectations for an intimate, mutual relationship.  Focusing these energies on my own issues, and my relationships with my kids.  Not getting involved in JADE.

[Dutched]

Hi all,

I take the liberty to reply on this , as I was in a long r/s, 30+yrs. with a HF BPDw, out 3+ yrs. 2 kids...

For a 2 decades it was “quiet”, flaws, minor hick ups, “strange” behaviour.  In retrospect it was fully shown when she was 18 and left her parents in an uncontrollable outburst and didn’t had contact with them for a 10 yrs!

My intro : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216147.0

Anyway, married, kids, etc.  As from her 42-45 yr. matters really exposed to outbursts every 3 to 5 months.

I posted today under https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219744.0;all

from which I copy:

On this side of the ocean, literature mention more than once that during midlife they end very suddenly (outbursts) long term relatively stable relationships (which was in my case, although many flaws). 

Fully related to this, and sporadic mentioned/described, is that as from 40-45+ the hormones of women change. The menopause begins, a normal biological process. During this process all women “get it on their nerves”.  So add this with BPD and you might expect an outcome which is far from pleasant.

For you all on this part of the Board, I really, really hope you can manage to stay together! That my wish to grow old together, staying active together as kids leave the house, looking together after once grandchildren, will be fulfilled by you!     Just plain simple “old fashioned” growing old together. 

[Dutched]

I'm still at a loss. Four responses! I surmise that this means that most people on these boards are in very short-term relationships. I still read over and over about "fiancees" and "boyfriends/girlfriends". Its really just unbelievable to me how obsessed we can get with a partner in such a short period of time with little to no strings other than emotional ones.

That is in a way strange to me too. I don’t want to offend anyone, but did they just “jump in” for the looks and feels? 

On the leaving Board there was an opposite question… How we could manage/did manage to stay this long.  Wondered about our strength/ personality. I didn’t react.  I think we do/did a good job!

[16YearBetrayal]

I wonder that about myself all the time -why did I stay so long.  I tend to think about that in a negative way.  And I do believe there are things about myself that I need to work on to ensure I find and keep healthy r/s - feeling unlovable, not loving myself for who I am, fear of abandonment, etc.

But I think I also have to remind myself that there are great qualities about myself that let me stay so long in my marriage too – valuing commitment, taking responsibility seriously, desire/willingness to work through tough problems, mentality that the grass is not always greener on other side, etc. 

Although the blend of my personal weaknesses with my strengths might have made for an overall unhealthy decision by me, I still think it is worthwhile to recognize the good qualities us long term stayers have too. 

[Dutched]

But I think I also have to remind myself that there are great qualities about myself that let me stay so long in my marriage too – valuing commitment, taking responsibility seriously, desire/willingness to work through tough problems, mentality that the grass is not always greener on other side, etc.  

I still think it is worthwhile to recognize the good qualities us long term stayers have too

Personally I couldn’t agree with you more!  Taking my wedding vow very seriously, unconditional love and my responsibility towards my kids (as that is most neglected these days with such high divorce rates).

For the last years I worked hard to react different. Her outburst minimized to 1 per annum the last 2 yrs.

I may see that I look back on a for me satisfying r/s, still grieving for the loss that I couldn’t keep my family together, still grieving as she didn’t want to move after she blew it up.  

[16YearBetrayal]

That is exactly where we were at too - 1 rage per year for the last 2 years. Both rages directed at people very close to me with me being the middle person and both of the rages isolated me from those people near and dear to my heart.   :'( 

[casper324]

I saw many signs early in our relationship and I am shocked now that  I even dated him for as long as I did.  I  think the age group in this discussion has something to do with staying with it. My parents were not the best example of a loving relationship and roles in a family were much different. My husbands family was Italian with sauce on the stove every  Sunday and plastic on the furniture.  My Mom was a Nurse and Dad Self Employed.  His first blow up was that I mixed the spaghetti with the sauce and meatballs!   Other considerations for me were I had a disabled daughter a year after marriage, then 2 other children.  Looking back and seeing the damage he's done to his kids breaks my heart.  How he continues to treat them sickens me.  It took my middle daughter a long time to see how he manipulated the kids her younger brother seemed to know it all along. Once my son was not going to be a star athlete he tossed the kid to the side.  Too bad while we were living through it I didn't think I would be better without him.  When he was good, he was fun and a great friend. 

A great thread would be how did you find out your SO was BPD/NPD 

[GypsySoul]

I wonder that about myself all the time -why did I stay so long.  I tend to think about that in a negative way.  And I do believe there are things about myself that I need to work on to ensure I find and keep healthy r/s - feeling unlovable, not loving myself for who I am, fear of abandonment, etc.

But I think I also have to remind myself that there are great qualities about myself that let me stay so long in my marriage too – valuing commitment, taking responsibility seriously, desire/willingness to work through tough problems, mentality that the grass is not always greener on other side, etc. 

Although the blend of my personal weaknesses with my strengths might have made for an overall unhealthy decision by me, I still think it is worthwhile to recognize the good qualities us long term stayers have too. 

This is where I am at as well. I am still in a 17 year relationship. It is winding down now I know but I have such a hard time admitting the good qualities I have. My personality allows for me to see the good in others and the bad in others and accept them but I am VERY hard on myself. I too think that the combination of my own issues of co-dependency and the strengths I do have prolonged the inevitable. I have only known in the last 3 years that my SO was BPD and once I found out I almost began to try harder to fix him. However I have also come to realize how battered I am emotionally. I was a "lifer". I was only going to get married once and it would be forever. I put up with way more than I should have just to preserve this false reality. I am not all that old really (I was 18 when I met my SO) but I think that the difference between those that cut and run early and those that stay have to do with our personalities and the situation we were in at the beginning of the relationship. I only know who I am now and can appreciate the damage being done to my psyche but there was no way I was going to see that at 18, 20, or heck even 30. If you go into a relationship with a BPDer when you aren't fully formed as a person I think maybe you end up staying longer than those that recognize early that the relationship is not "normal". And the longer you stay the easier it is to justify because there are more things at stake such as children, mortgages, family and friends. Right now I feel like my life is over as I had spent so much of my youth in this relationship but there is a niggling of hope that there may be a dawn after this long darkness. For all of us in long term relationships we can at least take some pride in knowing at the very least that we have some fortitude of spirit. However we are in the minority as the one of the hallmarks of BPD is the inability of the BPDer to maintain interpersonal relationships. The most important long term relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

[Kadee]

Yes, here I am in my mid fifties. Starting over (in a fashion). Trying to figure out who I really am, because I never realized what I was experiencing was not normal. It took my almost adult children to REALLY make me understand that life was NOT normal. Now that we've been separated for over a year, I am beginning to recognize normal. I am more aware of how other families treat their young adult children. I have found myself in tears, longing for normalcy. I am slowly building my own reality. One that is not littered with eggshells. One where I am free to have friendships with my adult children. One where I am free to succeed and not have my successes one upped by someone who was unable to stay out of the spotlight. And I'm not one to seek my own glory (not by a longshot), but living for 34 years with someone who could never gain pleasure with another's accomplishments (including the children's accomplishments) was deflating.

[Perez]

Kadee,

Good luck building up your reality.

My early twenty / late teen children have been a great blessing for me as I detach emotionally.  I have opened up to them with the issues are marriage is facing, trying to strike a balance between being real and not asking them to carry a heavy burden.  My wife has fought this very hard but it is one of my boundaries now, I am making the decision as to what to talk about with our older kids.  The kids have really opened up to me and our relationship is much improved from even 6 months back. 

[Hopeless777]

I figured I'd try to resurrect this topic as there was quite a few important comments regarding long=term relationships over 20 years. I went to dinner with my S24 the other day and he said "What do you expect? When D28 lived home each got one-third of uBPDw rage. Then when only S24 lived home the rage was 50/50. Now its 100% against you!" Since when did he get so smart? Anyways, I moved out on Sunday, five days ago, but haven't quite left this board yet. Even separate, its a struggle, especially after 28 years together. I'd love to hear how others cope, especially in the beginning.

[hergestridge]

Me and my wife have been a couple for a few years and were very young when we met. She was very demanding in every way and there was a lot of emotional blackmail involved. I was quickly isolated from every friend I had as the demanded my complete attention 24/7. This went on for a few years and eventually we moved to another town where we knew noone because my wife was unhappy living in a small "boring" town.

For the first ten years of our relationship I thought I sensed some kind of gratitude for the sacrifices I had made for her and I thought she even realized the wrongs she had done and that she had grown a bit. But I was wrong.

Eventually she had to work to support herself and truly messed with her head. We moved back to our old home town because (of course) she didn't get to make friends in a bigger city either. Back home I connected with old made friends and made new ones, breaking my isolation basically. Something my wife did not.

Working put preassure upon her. She clashes with collegues. She clashes with bosses. She constantly wants to quit her job (which I have to talk her out of, because I don't want to sell the house). She compares herself to collegues and their lives ("XX's husbands gives her money - why don't you give me money". She over 35 and she parties like the 20 years old at her workplace even though she's on neuroleptics and lithium.

We have daughter (now four) and that put a lot of preassure on her too. I take care of her 75% of the time.

It's all very strange because when she was 19-27 she was a much nicer person and quite likeable. Then something happened.

[half-life]

We are married for 14 years, been together for 16 years. I look back at some of my journal. I saw every problem right from the beginning of our marriage. I've never heard of BPD until recently. But many interactions have left me angry and frustrated. In fact I think this begins when she was a teenager and possibly even earlier. I heard her recount her childhood problems in a vengeful manner. She still talk about how she was wronged by her elementary school teacher.

The biggest difference today is the little love and respect she had for me are now all gone. She say she love and care for our dog but not so much for me. She is totally telling the truth.

[NewMom]

I've been together with my dBPDh (diagnosed this past Jan after he left me during pregnancy and had many affairs and started drinking uncontrollably) for 19 yrs, married 10.  I also chose to ignore the  (many of them). 

It's been unbelievably hard being without him and caring for our 7mo D on my own.  He keeps trying to "get me back" and "wait for him" until he's finished T but doesn't do enough to get himself the required help.  All converstations in the past 9 months have been revolving around him and now that I know what I know I realized they always did.  I didn't do such and such so that he wouldn't be sad, scared, angry, etc.  I would do such and such so that he wouldn't be sad, scared, angry.  I changed who I was, I forgot my own values, and neglected friends and family he deemed "bad" for me. 

Every day without him has gotten easier and easier.  But the detachment process is painful (I have to look on the inside a lot to understand why I even wanted to build a family with such a manipulative man), but oh so rewarding!  I slowly but surely see myself again and that is scary but exciting at the same time. 

I hope you start healing soon!