Heartbreaking comment

[ExtraMom]

I haven't posted in forever but I just need somewhere to vent some sadness/frustration where I know people will understand.

Background:

GoodDad = My boyfriend of 4+ years.

Girl11 = GoodDad's daughter. He has full custody of Girl11 and I have been her mother figure for 4+ years.

LittleSis = Girl11's 5-year-old half-sister who until recently was in foster care until the State transitioned her into permanent guardianship with BPDx's mother.

BPDx = Girl11's mother. Since her other children were transitioned from foster care to permanent guardianship, her weekly Court-Supervised Visits with the kids have stopped. Although she now sees Girl11's siblings regularly because her mother is their guardian, she has refused to set up visits with Girl11 because the custody order for Girl11 requires that in the absence of a court-appointed supervisor, GoodDad must supervise.

What happened this time:

We recently took Girl11 to her LittleSis' fifth birthday party at a local children's play center. The kids were thrilled to be able to see each other again and had a blast. Girl11's siblings and their guardian were there, but the rest of their family all refused to come, probably because they continue to object to GoodDad's requirement that interaction with that family must be in a neutral location (where there are witnesses).

BPDx also refused to attend the party. Though she apparently showed up at her mother's apartment for cake beforehand, giftless and shouting.

As I was pushing LittleSis (who loves GoodDad and me) on the swings, she said, "You should have come to my house earlier for cake! But you couldn't because Mom was there and she's afraid of GoodDad. And she couldn't come to my party here because GoodDad is here and GoodDad is a Bad Man."

I said, "Aw, do you really think GoodDad is a bad man? Have you ever seen him be bad?"

"Well, he's a Bad Man to Mommy. She's scared of him."

And my heart broke. And all I could say was, "I'm so sorry that you believe that."

Wherein I rant:

Because BPDx has once again been trotting out the old schtick that GoodDad is an abuser, which is completely false. She claims (to other people) that she is afraid of him an can't see her daughter because he will be there and he's a big, bad abuser.

But she was the abusive one from day one. And continues to be. When they were together, she was both emotionally and physically abusive. She brags about how she knows she can kick his ___; how she can't wait to take an assault charge if she can ever "catch him alone without any kids around" someday. She's vandalized his car, attempted to break into his home to assault him, and threatened to murder him so many times it's become trite. She's tried to encourage others to attack him. She's made repeated attempts to kidnap Girl11. There are reasons why she lost custody and the State took her other kids away.

And when she refused to agree to see her daughter in a neutral location, instead insisting that GoodDad supervise the visit inside the apartment she shares with her Child Molester husband who has also repeatedly threatened to kill GoodDad, she taunted him with, ":)on't worry. I'm not going to kill you. If I were going to kill you, I'd have done it by now."

And so these kids will grow up believing it, just as BPDx's family and friends somehow mentally skip over the lies she tells about them and still believe her campaign against him (and have used it against him to isolate him from the kids - when it is convenient for them). Even Girl11 still can't always parse the truth of her experience from the narratives she's been told.

I know there's nothing more I can do about it. But it's really another way for BPDx to continue to victimize GoodDad who was the VICTIM of an abusive relationship. I hate it. It's so unfair.

Anyway, I've read Divorce Poison. I know I need to move past it. I just needed to vent. 

[Turkish]

As I was pushing LittleSis (who loves GoodDad and me) on the swings, she said, "You should have come to my house earlier for cake! But you couldn't because Mom was there and she's afraid of GoodDad. And she couldn't come to my party here because GoodDad is here and GoodDad is a Bad Man."

I said, "Aw, do you really think GoodDad is a bad man? Have you ever seen him be bad?"

"Well, he's a Bad Man to Mommy. She's scared of him."

And my heart broke. And all I could say was, "I'm so sorry that you believe that."

That's heartbreaking ExtraMom. I can see where you would be speechless.

Have you consulted a child therapist about this incident? Maybe it would be good to have her older sister talk to her about it?

[Nope]

I feel for you. Alienation is a terrible thing. The little girl will understand the truth some day. Unfortunately right now she instinctively must know that her survival depends o believing her mother. Her mother came for cake at the house screaming.  That child knows that her mother is erratic and the safest way to stay out of the line of fire is to agree with this erratic parent who has so much access to her. But rest assured that some day the dynamic will change.

[ennie]

Just wanted to commiserate!

Me, too, read all the books, know the right things to do, blah blah blah... . and it still is painful! 

What has been getting me lately is comments from my DH's BPDex's friends.  She has a pattern of burning out her friends in a year, sometimes two... . they are often the parents of her kids' friends, who then come to DH and I asking for their kids to continue a relationship with the kids, and wanting to vent to DH and I about BPD mom. 

What kills me every time is that though they suspect that DH and I are good people and have seen us being kind to BPD mom at school events, have seen us both being good parents over 7 years, that I still hear mom's story through them.  Recently, someone who really likes DH an me and who has been nice throughout her close friendship with BPD mom, and now has rejected mom and been "our" friend for the past 2 years, mentioned something about how the kids are always sick at our house because of dad... . this was mom's huge story, which is totally the opposite of true. 

First, who cares about where they got sick?  Second, mom has no bedtime, smokes like a chimney, loves sugar as an antidote to any malady... . so the kids recovered slowly if at all when sick at her house.  But until they missed 30 days of school one year, DH never complained about this, just did his best to provide the opposite.  When he communicated that he would like the kids to go to school more often, mom started in telling everyone that DH was causing them to be sick, that we had something in the soil around our home that made them sick... .

So it is really hard to see an otherwise rational person believe these random stories.

And, her friends have asked about "past abuse" by DH, when our situation also is that she was abusive, he is not--something she confirmed to me when I first started to date him. 

And yes, the worst is when the kids believe it.  When they started telling everyone that they were always sick at our house and so had to miss school, that their dad makes them sick by not taking care of them and giving them ice cream when they feel bad... . that was so frustrating! 

At this point, my biggest concern about this is SD14's inability to distinguish between what she wants to be true and what is true about how she feels physically in her body.  And that SD10 has a hard time distinguishing between manipulation and straight asking for what you want.  But they are so working on it, they are great kids, and we are all doing our best. 

Poor little 5 year old; who knows how she will get some perspective, if she ever does... . because if she believes that about your mate, she probably believes that and worse about others in mom's life who might be able to be there for her, and even one day about herself... .