why? I think I want to leave, but can't

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't even know how or where to start.

I am stuck in a cycle with my BPDgf. I know for the sake of myself and my well being, I need to leave. We have been together for a year and tops, we can go two days without fighting. It's always something new that I have done or said or haven't done or said.

Beyond the verbal abuse when she is in a rage, she also gets physical and that aspect is only escalating each and every time. Physical is the only reason I should need to leave, but for whatever reason, I can't walk away and I am having a seriously hard time understanding why. Is it because I am trapped in the cycle or something deeper within me or is it more than likely both.

Problem is whenever she asks me to leave or I try to leave, she won't let me. I'm seriously stuck and so angry at myself because I stay.

[blondie34]

I don't even know how or where to start.

I am stuck in a cycle with my BPDgf. I know for the sake of myself and my well being, I need to leave. We have been together for a year and tops, we can go two days without fighting. It's always something new that I have done or said or haven't done or said.

Beyond the verbal abuse when she is in a rage, she also gets physical and that aspect is only escalating each and every time. Physical is the only reason I should need to leave, but for whatever reason, I can't walk away and I am having a seriously hard time understanding why. Is it because I am trapped in the cycle or something deeper within me or is it more than likely both.

Problem is whenever she asks me to leave or I try to leave, she won't let me. I'm seriously stuck and so angry at myself because I stay.

[Indigo Sky]

It is difficult for us to leave our comfort zones.

Can you think of a time in your life you didn't want to change? Move to a different place? Take a new job?

And how did you feel after you had been in a new place or new job?

[Kabooma]

Don't live in regret.  Imagine you get her pregnant... now leaving becomes 20x harder.  If you can't bring yourself to pull the trigger now, how in the heck you going to do it later, when things are even worse?

Read the stories here, time and time again, it rarely ever gets any better, and seems to mostly only get worse.  I can't leave, and envy you because you CAN walk away.  I daydream about it, but in the end, I'm TRAPPED now.  Do yourself a favor and run, don't walk.

[Cloudy Days]

I think this is common with people who love someone with BPD. It's also common for people who are being abused in some way. I read the book Betrayal Bonds, I found it suggested on this site. I think you would probably get a lot of clarification as to why you don't leave if you read it. It certainly opened my eyes and was very helpful to me, there was so much in the book that rang true for me. It explained exactly why I stayed, it explained the dance that I go through from day to day with my husband and it also explained why I was so attracted to him in the first place. It's an eye opener, I highly suggest it to anyone asking the question why don't I leave this terrible relationship.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Problem is whenever she asks me to leave or I try to leave, she won't let me. I'm seriously stuck and so angry at myself because I stay.

Yes, this is a problem and there are a couple of ways to deal with it.

First thing is to not say something while you are angry that will really upset her. You must learn to control your own emotions first. Use SET and do your best to deescalate. I'm not saying to never address your concerns, but do it when everyone is calm and using the tools to express yourself minimizing a dysregulation.

Once dysregulated you must remove yourself from the situation. This can be difficult when they are trying to stop you. Just be very calm and calmly say you need to take a time out now and to please move. Hopefully in a few minutes of you not engaging her in conversation will get her to calm down and out of your way. Then say you are leaving and will be back in a set amount of time. Just get yourself out of there.

When my gf attacked me I also made the mistake of defending myself so she had bruises on her arms from me holding them. Then she threatened to call the police. Luckily she didn't. After that one incident we separated for a few days and I set a very firm boundary that I would end the rs if either physical abuse or calling the cops happened again. It has not happened since. I also used the incident to get her into DBT, but she was also at a stage in her life that she was ready for it.

My gf's sister (also BPD IMO) was in a rs with a NPD (IMO) woman who went totally nuts on her about three months after moving in with her. My gf's sister called their father and he came to get her out of there. Call the someone for help or call the police if necessary. You have to protect yourself and set a firm boundary about physical abuse. You must accept that you may have to end the relationship in order to protect yourself and motivate any change in her. Once you detach from her and accept that you may lose her then you will become much stronger and you will end up taking better care of yourself. My confidence is what saved me and luckily my rs. If she attacks me again, I am fully prepared to end it to save myself.

Please take care of yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Take a stand and set a boundary, you will be happy you did 

[blondie34]

Thank you for the responses. I have been MIA since.

There was another physical altercation since my last post, it happened two weeks ago. It was the worst of everything I have endured so far. When she had finally calmed down, she agreed that if I felt it was safer for me to leave for the night, I should have, but I didn't. I felt like she put me in a situation where I didn't want to explain the physical violence as it was very evident something had happened. I think a large part to not leaving was more of the shame and embarrassment I would have felt for remaining in a domestic abuse relationship.

I tried calmly to leave and asked her to move so I could take a time out. That didn't work. If I tried to walk past her, it only escalated the situation. At that point, I honestly am just at a loss and no idea of what I should do.

Cloudy Days, I will take a look for that book. Thank you.

Today, she's angry and I do not understand the anger or what exactly I have done to deserve her reactions. I am at work now and really do not want to go home as I do not know how things will progress, but I have to go home eventually.

Lately, she wants me to drop all my responsibilities at work to talk to her when she is angry. Or go to work late and deal with the situation at hand, but I know by staying, nothing will be resolved. I thought by removing myself and going to work it would give her time to calm down, but I am finding it has the opposite effect.

I know she loves me, but I just don't know how to improves our situation anymore.

[nothing]

I could be wrong but I think BPDs target nice guys. Nice guys want to stay and fix the problem. Nice guys turn into a doormat that gets stomped on mentally and physically.

Be careful BPDs can cause you to get fired from your job.

Remember the saying "treat people the way you want to be treated" a nice guy will treat someone nice because they want to be treated nicely by others. She on the other hand physically abuses you in her mind that is the way she feels like she should be treated. Because you would never treat her that way you do not validate her negative hateful view of herself and that is why it continues and you are painted black.

Do not marry it will get 30 times worse! Be lucky you have a opportunity to deal with it now then when it gets much more complicated.

[crskij]

I broke up with my gf several days ago,  she also suffered from BPD, but this time it was different i had to do it the relationship it's eating you a live slowly.

BPD females tend to be masters of seduction, the know how to manipulate men and turn them into dogs so to speak, when you analize the sittuation you're in from a neutral point of view you would see that it's for the best if you just let it go, you can find someone else.

I warn you it will be tough for maximum a month i was desperate, been in a thunderstorm and waited for her 3hours in order to talk wich we didn't.

The idea is you will feel depressed, your self esteem would be very down, but you need to think if you were to marry that girl and have children what would've had happened then?

The BPD female tends to make you feel like she's the one while you simply degrade yourself, she feels like a drug and you stay with her just so you can find that first rush that attracted you to her.

Imo, leave her, either try an argument and make her hate you either do it gently, because if you don't do it she will, and it will be too late then.

You can't help these kind of people, they think differently than us in a black and white way, they are not capable of love, just simulating it.

Bpds live from other's praise and attention that's what boosts their ego, and when you don't fuel them they tend to turn you into the bad guy, make you feel like a monster.


I hope i helped you, do it and don't regret it, you'll thank me later after you get out of hell. She won't get better, in time her BPD will evolve into scyzophrenia, it's sad but it's not your fault we all drag our own crosses.

[OutOfEgypt]

Blondie, have you read this article?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[crskij]

Blondie, have you read this article?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

excuse my english in the recent post, i was typing from my phone, the article OutOfEgypt gave is a good one.

Understand this, your feelings for her are real, but her feelings for you are not, you are just a play toy, a chess piece on her board.


My story is simple, i confronted her about telling a guy she's single, and she made me feel guilty, said i betrayed her trust and stuff like that, eventually brought me into a mood where i was so depressed and ashamed to even talk to her, then came obsession, and now once i found out her true self so to speak, and completely ignored her she reached the clinger phase, from Hater, truth hurts, and the worst problem is no matter what you say to them it doesn't matter, they do not understand, BPD people are like children in adult bodies, and it's sad because these people will never be able to enjoy a normal life, if my exgf didn't have this... . it would've been a wonderful relationship, but well you can't have it all.

[OnceConfused]

Blondie:

I was 8 years ago where you are today. I was involved with xBPDgf and like you, we broke up almost weekly. The moment I left, she called and pulled me back in. That happened again and again, and I was totally confused (hence my nickname here, onceconfused) and had to seek professional Therapy.

My and your experiences are very typical when dealing with BPD - The push then the pull, then the push then the pull.

Finally I told myself ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, and gathered enough courage to look her in the eyes and said goodbye.

It was hard to leave and I did it. You can too, my friend. Guess what, my life since I left BPD has been wonderful and all bliss. All you have to tell yourself is ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. If you can not say it then you won't leave. Only when your suffering get beyond the limit then you can say good bye.

[OutOfEgypt]

It was hard to leave and I did it. You can too, my friend. Guess what, my life since I left BPD has been wonderful and all bliss. All you have to tell yourself is ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. If you can not say it then you won't leave. Only when your suffering get beyond the limit then you can say good bye.

I second this.  I am still healing in many ways, but things are SO much better.  I no longer wish I could somehow die without abandoning my kids.  I actually see promise and potential in my life, and I enjoy peace.  But nothing is going to change until you act.  I prayed for God to do something for years, but nothing changed -it only got worse.  I then realized that my petitions for God to do something were a way for me to avoid doing what I KNEW I needed to do.