Silent treatment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this board and I have a question regarding silent treatment.  I have been on and off with my BPD bf for 5 years, on and off (mostly because he keeps giving me the silent treatment when we get close).

He gave me the silent treatment in October, then comes back in the beginning of January.  He is great in the beginning when he comes back and right after we meet he sort of freaks out.  We communicate afterwards and he seems to get angry at me sometimes out of nowhere then go back to nice in a matter of an hour. 

About 2 months ago, I had to move and he indicated that he will miss me, and I should reconsider.  He called me his angel, talked about wanting a family with me, etc. After a month, I found out that I would be able to move back and let him know.  Also, when I moved, we were suppose to meet for the last time but he flaked out because he told me it was too much for him.  We decided to keep in touch, etc but he gave me the silent treatment yet again when I moved. 

We only talked once when I told him that I am moving back.  I then told him that I will be there for him, that I won't leave him since he always tells me that I will leave him.  Again, after this text, he disappears.  I just told him that I will never get closure and stopped communicating.

I usually stop talking to him and he comes back after a silent treatment.  Is he just playing with me?  Do I just ignore him and move on?  Is he just playing with me?  What is going on with the silent treatment?

I apologize for the long post. 

Thanks!

[Unique135]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this board and I have a question regarding silent treatment.  I have been on and off with my BPD bf for 5 years, on and off (mostly because he keeps giving me the silent treatment when we get close).

He gave me the silent treatment in October, then comes back in the beginning of January.  He is great in the beginning when he comes back and right after we meet he sort of freaks out.  We communicate afterwards and he seems to get angry at me sometimes out of nowhere then go back to nice in a matter of an hour. 

About 2 months ago, I had to move and he indicated that he will miss me, and I should reconsider.  He called me his angel, talked about wanting a family with me, etc. After a month, I found out that I would be able to move back and let him know.  Also, when I moved, we were suppose to meet for the last time but he flaked out because he told me it was too much for him.  We decided to keep in touch, etc but he gave me the silent treatment yet again when I moved. 

We only talked once when I told him that I am moving back.  I then told him that I will be there for him, that I won't leave him since he always tells me that I will leave him.  Again, after this text, he disappears.  I just told him that I will never get closure and stopped communicating.

I usually stop talking to him and he comes back after a silent treatment.  Is he just playing with me?  Do I just ignore him and move on?  Is he just playing with me?  What is going on with the silent treatment?

I apologize for the long post. 

Thanks!

[Louise7777]

Hi Unique.

I had been receiving the silent treatment for years, from an uPAPD (passive-aggressive pd). Thats actually what brought me to foruns. It can be really disturbing and confusing.

I cant tell you as ST related to BPD, but if you search on google about ST solely, you´ll find lots of useful info.

ST is about control, manipulation and punishment. From what I read (and made sense to me), everytime I didnt behave in a way he expected, he had to punish me with it. Of course Id reach out and apologize (even though I didnt know why). The more we chase them and apologize, the happier they get. And the more frequente and longer the periods of ST become. Its like we are grounded. But they are the childish ones, who are selfish and imature and cant communicate. Instead, they revenge and stab in the back.

He usually ended ST periods out of the blue, for no aparent reason, no explanation, as if nothing had happened. This after MONTHS of ST. No apology, no explanation, nothing. Last time it was almost a year. I promised myself Id never contact him again but still, he keeps calling on a regular basis. I still pick up the phone, but I stopped emailing him also. So, no contact starts from me. But still, it seems Im fullfilling some need of his, Im giving him some narcisistic supply... . Maybe he feels he´s in control?

I suggest you move on with your life. Honestly, after years of this, its a lost struggle. It seems to me there´s something very wrong there, regarding their affections. I find it very disturbing that instead of loving and caring, they want to punish their partners... . Id say focus on you and your needs.

[Unique135]

Hi Unique.

I had been receiving the silent treatment for years, from an uPAPD (passive-aggressive pd). Thats actually what brought me to foruns. It can be really disturbing and confusing.

I cant tell you as ST related to BPD, but if you search on google about ST solely, you´ll find lots of useful info.

ST is about control, manipulation and punishment. From what I read (and made sense to me), everytime I didnt behave in a way he expected, he had to punish me with it. Of course Id reach out and apologize (even though I didnt know why). The more we chase them and apologize, the happier they get. And the more frequente and longer the periods of ST become. Its like we are grounded. But they are the childish ones, who are selfish and imature and cant communicate. Instead, they revenge and stab in the back.

He usually ended ST periods out of the blue, for no aparent reason, no explanation, as if nothing had happened. This after MONTHS of ST. No apology, no explanation, nothing. Last time it was almost a year. I promised myself Id never contact him again but still, he keeps calling on a regular basis. I still pick up the phone, but I stopped emailing him also. So, no contact starts from me. But still, it seems Im fullfilling some need of his, Im giving him some narcisistic supply... . Maybe he feels he´s in control?

I suggest you move on with your life. Honestly, after years of this, its a lost struggle. It seems to me there´s something very wrong there, regarding their affections. I find it very disturbing that instead of loving and caring, they want to punish their partners... . Id say focus on you and your needs.

Thanks for the reply!

I know, I also apologize even when I have no idea what I am apologizing for.  Sometimes he will tell me the reason why he gave me the silent treatment was because I did something that I did not even do.  He just has trust issues and thinks that I am going to leave him or will cheat.  He also has issues with talking about emotions, therefore, he will back out when I do.  He will get very mad if I date anyone during the time that he was silent.  Also, the weirdest thing is that he will tell me that I broke up with him and that's why he went silent... . I did not even get a chance to say anything, let alone break up... .

[Louise7777]

Hi again! You see, I really suggest you research about ST coming from BPDs... .

You said "Sometimes he will tell me the reason why he gave me the silent treatment was because I did something that I did not even do.  He just has trust issues and thinks that I am going to leave him or will cheat"

This is COMPLETELY different from what my uPAPD did. He´d never ever explain anything. I was in complete dark there. Until I decided to openly talk to him after the almost 1 year of ST (!). I told him basically that the boat had sailed, that he couldnt hurt a corpse, cause he had punished me so much over the years that there was nothing left there... . His reaction was to say he felt lonely cause I didnt go after him, to see if he was dead or alive... . LOL. Long story short, never taking responsability. Im done dealing with 3 year-olds... .

So, BPD is completelly different from PAPD... . But I believe he´s gaslighting you... . I hope others jump in and give you more specific advice. All I can say its abusive and counter-productive... .

[Unique135]

Hi again! You see, I really suggest you research about ST coming from BPDs... .

You said "Sometimes he will tell me the reason why he gave me the silent treatment was because I did something that I did not even do.  He just has trust issues and thinks that I am going to leave him or will cheat"

This is COMPLETELY different from what my uPAPD did. He´d never ever explain anything. I was in complete dark there. Until I decided to openly talk to him after the almost 1 year of ST (!). I told him basically that the boat had sailed, that he couldnt hurt a corpse, cause he had punished me so much over the years that there was nothing left there... . His reaction was to say he felt lonely cause I didnt go after him, to see if he was dead or alive... . LOL. Long story short, never taking responsability. Im done dealing with 3 year-olds... .

So, BPD is completelly different from PAPD... . But I believe he´s gaslighting you... . I hope others jump in and give you more specific advice. All I can say its abusive and counter-productive... .

Oh, he would not say it directly, but I could see the pattern.  It was like he was trying to justify him hurting me by coming up with reasons he hates me.

You are right, they are like children and I feel like a mom:)

[Narellan]

I'm a little bit confused. Are you actually in a relationship with this man who you don't speak to for months on end ? It sounds like you moved away, he let you go, no contact, then you text him to say you're coming back and he didnt reply. Is that right? It just sounds like you broke up and he's moved on. It's not really silent treatment if you're not together. He's not playing with you. It sounds like he's let you go. I'm sorry if I'm reading that wrong, but it sounds like a normal breakup to me.

[Unique135]

I'm a little bit confused. Are you actually in a relationship with this man who you don't speak to for months on end ? It sounds like you moved away, he let you go, no contact, then you text him to say you're coming back and he didnt reply. Is that right? It just sounds like you broke up and he's moved on. It's not really silent treatment if you're not together. He's not playing with you. It sounds like he's let you go. I'm sorry if I'm reading that wrong, but it sounds like a normal breakup to me.

Hello,

When I moved, he knew that I would be moving back.  We promised each other to talk on the phone, Skype, etc. I moved and he told me that he missed me and knew that I would go back and was looking forward to seeing me, and just disappeared after that. 

I guess that's how people break up... . I thought people actually talked before breaking up.

This is not the only time... . he does that every time we get back together.  he even mentions he wants a relationship, wants a future and puff, he is gone.  When we actually do get close and talk about serious issues that HE brings up, he is gone.

I guess, I was just being played and I should accept that and move on with my life.

Thanks everyone!

[Narellan]

It's very confusing and my ex BPD did exactly the same! Push/ pull. Very difficult to work out where you're at. He brought things up that he couldn't cope with then ran and blamed me.

I think you're handling it well from the sounds of it. Just don't torture yourself it was anything you did. They change like the wind. And can't understand why we get hurt. Take care 

[Unique135]

It's very confusing and my ex BPD did exactly the same! Push/ pull. Very difficult to work out where you're at. He brought things up that he couldn't cope with then ran and blamed me.

I think you're handling it well from the sounds of it. Just don't torture yourself it was anything you did. They change like the wind. And can't understand why we get hurt. Take care 

Thank you so much for the support.

I know - they bring up serious subjects, then run away and blame us for their emotional issues. 

[LoveLove]

Just to add - mine did the same. Brought up the future/marriage and all of that "good stuff" and then when he found he had gotten too close to me and he couldn't deliver, that's when he decided on therapy and needing space and had to listen to his therapist regarding no contact.

But before he left, he told me that *I* was the controlling one and wanted things a "certain way"... . um really?

Well out of hurt/anger (and before I found this site)... . I bluntly told him that *I* was not the controlling one and that HE initiated the conversations! And I told him that hopefully he mentions this FACT to his therapist! They need to take responsibility!

He didn't reply of course... . and actually became calm when I pointed out the truth to him.

Too exhausting!

[AimingforMastery]

It's very confusing and my ex BPD did exactly the same! Push/ pull. Very difficult to work out where you're at. He brought things up that he couldn't cope with then ran and blamed me.

I think you're handling it well from the sounds of it. Just don't torture yourself it was anything you did. They change like the wind. And can't understand why we get hurt. Take care 

Just a thought but one of the best ways to cope with their push pull nonsense is to go posh pull yourself. It is a language they understand... .

If they treat you good, be nice - reward them... .

If they start the nonsense, withdraw, pull back.

This has worked well for me as a general formula for drawing out the good and not reinforcing the bad.

[hellokitty4]

It's very confusing and my ex BPD did exactly the same! Push/ pull. Very difficult to work out where you're at. He brought things up that he couldn't cope with then ran and blamed me.

I think you're handling it well from the sounds of it. Just don't torture yourself it was anything you did. They change like the wind. And can't understand why we get hurt. Take care 

Just a thought but one of the best ways to cope with their push pull nonsense is to go posh pull yourself. It is a language they understand... .

If they treat you good, be nice - reward them... .

If they start the nonsense, withdraw, pull back.

This has worked well for me as a general formula for drawing out the good and not reinforcing the bad.

This has worked well for me as well but it is exhausting because the going back and forth gets to be too much and there is no way of knowing when it will come.  With my BPD everytime she feels that people know how close we are, she pulls back. So in gatherings she gives me the cold shoulder so people won't think we are too close! She is my best friend! Our friends are starting to wonder why she does this to me...

[Narellan]

HK this exactly describes my ex. He wanted to keep us a secret. Always reinforced that I was his best friend. ( also LOHL) he always pulled back and was triggered if anyone said it was more. A week prior to our split he had FB posted heaps (20) photos of us from our holiday of us kissing, hugging, happy being together. A friend commented on the photos " ohh narellan great photos I see you have a new man"

Total freak out from him. He deleted every photo. Deleted any evidence we had been together. They were the only Holiday pics I had and they all disappeared in the blink of an eye. I rang him to ask why he'd deleted them , and he said " because we're just friends"

He had taken the photos. The holiday was pretty much like a honeymoon. I was in love. He said he was. Then nothing.

Those were the last words spoken to me.

12 weeks now NC.

[kba1969]

My X would keep us a secret to!  I always laughed to myself when someone we knew saw us together.  There was a time that she had told everyone she worked with that we weren't together anymore.  I would go to see her at work and get a coffee and everyone treated me like a jerk.  I didn't see this for some reason and when asked about it my X would never have an answer.  I'm 44 and people like me, never had been treated this way before!  Towards the end of our relationship she posted some pics of us on Facebook, I think it only was on my wall because only my friends liked or commented on it.  I was probably the only person that could see it on hers.  24 days strict as hell NC, still think about her a lot but really moving forward well!

[Unique135]

Thank you so much for all your replies.

My ex was the same way - always keeping me a secret from his friends.  Although, he introduced me to his family pretty early on in the relationship.  I suspect he just wanted to prove to them that he was normal. 

In terms of push and pull... . I decided to sign up to a dating site since I consider myself single and guess who I see there?  None other than my ex... . I am assuming he also saw that I had looked at his profile so last night he texts me, "how are you?".  I texted him back in the morning and told him I am good and asked him how he was. He never replied back because he is mad at the fact that I did not get jealous, did not start telling him how much I missed him, etc.

Basically they want the cake and eat it too... . This goes to show that it is all about them... .

Btw, if anyone is interested learning more about BPD males, watch the movie, "Shame".  You can Netflix it.  It describes my ex completely.

[Narellan]

Thanks for the movie suggestion . Ill definitely watch that. My ex kept us a secret and kept telling people we were just friends. What he told me to my face and via phone falls was so different . Towards the end he started introducing me as his partner, I met his extended family cousins, uncles. I'm sure that was all just to show off that he had a partner. He was happy to go out with me then too, and oublicly outed our rs on FB posting intimate holiday photos. It was a nice few weeks. The calm before the storm. It all ended in a split second and we were only just friends. Heartbreaking stuff. I feel humiliated and used, because I'm left answering all the questions from everyone about " what happened you looked so happy together?" How do I answer that when I have no clue myself other than BPD explanation which I won't disclose... .

[Unique135]

Thanks for the movie suggestion . Ill definitely watch that. My ex kept us a secret and kept telling people we were just friends. What he told me to my face and via phone falls was so different . Towards the end he started introducing me as his partner, I met his extended family cousins, uncles. I'm sure that was all just to show off that he had a partner. He was happy to go out with me then too, and oublicly outed our rs on FB posting intimate holiday photos. It was a nice few weeks. The calm before the storm. It all ended in a split second and we were only just friends. Heartbreaking stuff. I feel humiliated and used, because I'm left answering all the questions from everyone about " what happened you looked so happy together?" How do I answer that when I have no clue myself other than BPD explanation which I won't disclose... .

I have told my family about his bizarre behavior and they are glad i am not with him anymore.  In terms of friends, I just tell them that he was very strange and had commitment issues and that is enough.

Honestly, I don't even think about what went wrong or right, all I know is that he has issues and he is the one who needs to seek help.

Don't try to find answers, you will never be able to.

Just live your life and try to move on.  Honestly, when you start dating other men, who are normal and don't have BPD, you will realize that it is not you.