Grateful for this site. Need some thoughts.

[Joey2008]

Hi. I really appreciate the welcome I got on the newcomer's thread. I'll try to explain as briefly as I can. My daughter, age 29, has had emotional issues since she was pretty young, but getting worse when she was about 13 or 14. We tried different therapists and were told she was depressed. She would go once and always find something wrong with the therapist and refuse to go back. In her senior year of high school, she took an overdose of her antidepressants. Luckily, she woke me up to tell me that she had and was feeling bad and we got her to the hospital. My husband and I then had a choice, and I still don't know if we made the wrong choice. We were told we could admit her to the psych ward or take her home as long as we committed to take her to her therapist. We were scared to give up control, I think. We'd heard horror stories about hospitals refusing to let minors leave and parents losing their rights. Looking back, we probably should have taken the risk. Over the past 12 years, she's had good and bad periods--at least to an outside observer. We found out a few years ago that she was bulimic and finally convinced her to enter a treatment program--it was an intensive outpatient program. It was good while she was in it, but the effect didn't last. In mid-May she admitted herself for a 72-hour hold at the hospital because she was feeling suicidal. The psychiatrist there said that she didn't meet the criteria for clinical depression and suggested that she go to the hospital's partial hospitalization program (outpatient but intensive) for proper evaluation and treatment. He suggested to her that she may have BPD. I did some reading and was amazed to see how much the descriptions sounded like my daughter--including the eating disorder. Since leaving the hospital, she has continued to see her regular therapist twice a week, and she has essentially stopped communicating with us. Finally, last Thursday, I left her a voicemail asking her to please call so that we try to keep communicating. She did call and we talked for about 20 minutes. She told me that her therapist is quite aggressive about having her dig up past experiences and hurts and that my husband and I "emotionally abandoned her." She didn't yell or get angry with me--not outwardly anyway. I knew it would not be good to question the therapist since I was just glad to have this contact with my daughter and didn't want to drive her away. I just listened and--perhaps stupidly--suggested that BPD is caused by a number of things, and I acknowledged that I made mistakes as a parent that probably contributed to it. Interestingly, she said that sometimes her therapist is so aggressive that she finds herself defending us. She also said that she's considering going to the hospital program for an intake interview. She doesn't want to lose her job and hopes that she can get a brief (two to four weeks) medical leave. I am encouraged by the fact that she's even considering the program. I don't know a lot about it, but I know that they use DBT. Well, this is longer than I intended. Right now, I am respecting her decision to not talk to us, but we still call or text her once or twice a week to say we love her and want to know what she's feeling if she does want to talk to us. I'm questioning myself so much right now that I don't even know if we should do that. And, of course, it's just so painful to know that she thinks we caused all her problems. If I wanted to, I'm sure I could come up with a laundry list of things we did wrong, but I'm doing my own DBT therapy, and I know that living in the past solves nothing. Thank you for listening. If anyone has input, I'd love to hear it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[InnerSpin]

Hi Joey,

I'm sorry you are going through this. You're not alone.

You sound like a loving and good parent. Please do not blame yourself for your daughter's problems.

Here are my Views.

I strongly dispute the effects of childhood experiences as the cause of BPD or any other mental disorder. I am not a physiatrist, but speak from the real life experiences of bearing and raising 3 very different children. My BPD daughter (38) was my firstborn. A longed for, beautiful, intelligent baby girl who was and is loved and adored.  My second-born is a boy (35) with Asperger’s Syndrome, equally loved. My third child, a girl, is a beautiful, clever and popular person (just married) who could confidently be referred to as ‘normal’. All the children have the same parentage.  All the children had the same love and attention and experienced the same ups and downs, including some unsettling periods.

My eldest two children were always ‘difficult’ kids, but in different ways. At the time, I admit, I used to wonder if it was me as a parent, whether I was doing it all wrong. Was I being too strict, or was I too lenient? People all had their own opinions and solutions, but this was in the days when it was ALWAYS the parents fault (a bit like no bad dogs – just bad owners).

Childhood conditions such as ADAH etc were only in the early stages of being recognised.

I certainly don’t claim to be the perfect parent. All I know is that I loved (and love) my children very much, have always been there for them and would do anything to make each of them happy.

I’m not suggesting that childhood experiences, especially, I suspect, sexual abuse would not have a devastating effect on a person, but how does the ‘world of psychology’ explain the fact that many of these people go on to live productive, loving and empathetic lives using their experiences to ensure no child of theirs will ever suffer such a nightmare.

I am convinced that many, many hours in therapists offices are wasted by digging up and raking through old memories which they can then conveniently attribute to the patients problems. This then arms the patient with myriad reasons/excuses to carry on the way they are because ‘all of this has been done to me. I’m not responsible for my actions’.

This of course, is actually true but not, in the main, because of emotional trauma. People are born with predetermined attributes including the make-up of the brain. It’s like saying you get Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease because of a traumatic childhood.

I suggest no-one trains for a career in psychology before producing 3/4 offspring with the same partner and watching them grow up. Granted, there would be scant few ‘professionals’ around.

Failing that, I would urge immediate and extensive research into brain function re personality disorders to establish true cause as a base to then exploring effective treatments.

These are my beliefs based on 61 years first-hand experience.

[Joey2008]

InnerSpin, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My daughter is an only child, so I don't have your perspective on things, and it helped so much to hear what you said. It's sad and disturbing to think that some therapists still do the "blame the parent" thing. I believe that her current therapist is making things worse rather than better, but my daughter has to come to that realization on her own. I am going to print out your reply and read it when I get discouraged. Thank you!

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Joey, 

I am so sorry that you are going through this painful season... . The hurt and also worry about your relationship with your daughter - that is hard to bear. We've all been there in one way or another, and it's no fun... .  

I am glad you have found us and that you can share here and read and find solace in others' experiences.

Of course you have made mistakes - who hasn't? And rearing a child who is sensitive and has different needs than the rest of us has probably left you puzzled. When we realize if/what we did wrong, we can learn from it and start doing things differently, and be more effective with the help of all the newly learned information on BPD. The goal is to be the best parent possible now and in the future, rather than beat ourselves up over the past. Does that make sense?

Is your daughter's therapist the same one that suggested she might have BPD? What kind of therapy are they doing?

The fact that your daughter is getting serious about finding help for herself is really encouraging. On the other hand, I understand your concerns - the wrong kind of therapist may do more harm than good.

You are doing the right thing - staying in touch, being consistent while not smothering at the same time is a really good thing. Please don't second-guess yourself based on your daughter's reactions (her emotions will be all over the place). Take good care of your own physical, mental and emotional needs, and when you have the energy, read up as much as you can on BPD.

Welcome to the Parenting board again, Joey2008!

[Joey2008]

Thank you so much pessim-optimist. The wisdom and experience on these boards is incredible and SO helpful. My daughter's therapist is the same one she was seeing before she got the possible diagnosis of BPD from a psychiatric resident at UCSF Medical Center. I say "possible" because she hasn't yet had a complete evaluation. That's why I hope she will take advantage of the DBT program at UCSF. The last time we talked, she told me that her therapist was pushing her to talk about the past and then she used the term "emotional abandonment." I worry that this therapist might be doing her damage. The only hopeful note was that she said that her therapist pushes so hard that she finds herself defending my husband and me at times. She's very smart, and I think she may be having some doubts about the therapist's approach. I'm learning, though, and I think I have a better idea of how to respond to her. I know that, in her view, I'll probably never get it right, but I know that I can do better. I'm trying to do that while, at the same time, not blaming myself. Some days it's hard not to. Her silence is painful, and I feel as though I've lost her forever. I know that's just a feeling and not reality, though. Thank you again. I appreciate it more than I can say.

[theplotthickens]

Welcome to the board!   

I am wondering if your daughter would be open to a therapist that is coming from a DBT perspective?  DBT is the most research-based, effective therapy for DBT.  I also have found that therapists can do more harm than good by unwittingly enabling the child to blame and target parents. A therapist can "plant" new ideas and new suggestions for how to NOT take responsibility.   A DBT therapist's perspective would be skill-building, increasing stress tolerance, and taking ownership of one's own behavior and emotional state. 

I'd search for a DBT therapist in your area, and see if you dd would be open to giving it a try.

[tristesse]

Welcome Joey2008.

I am terribly sorry that you are experiencing the heartache of BPD. I am relatively new to this site myself, but have been dealing with a DBPDD for many years now my BPDD is 30. She has had multiple different therapists, and has had in house treatment twice. The effects of this dis-order are devastating to everybody close to the person with BPD. I can say that I have 3 children, and my BPDD is the middle child, her sister is  3 years older and her brother is 9 years younger. She  DID suffer an early childhood trauma, and I DO believe that contributed to her dis-order. However, everybody's story is different, and if your DD has suffered no direct trauma, then I believe she Is just wired a little differently.

You need to remember that it is not your fault, and that you are a good mom, if you  weren't then you wouldn't be here. Stay positive and don't give up on your daughter. I hope find the answers and the peace that you are looking for.

[Joey2008]

Thank you both for your input. My daughter knows about DBT and has made a few tentative steps to look into it. I tried to plant the seed by giving her a link to a group in her city that specializes in it, and whose director trained with Marsha Linehan. I live two hours from her, and I've found a DBT therapist for myself about midway between my town and my daughter's. I'm finding that it's well worth the drive for me to see this therapist, as she has already (after two sessions) helped me. Just the self-awareness goes a long way. I think that I have some traits similar to my daughter's, though less extreme, and I hope that if I can get "well" then maybe our relationship will be better. She actually came home for the weekend--just arrived a half hour ago and is in the shower. She is very sweet with us, which I'm grateful for, but it breaks my heart to see how subdued she is. She says that she's tired all the time and that she doesn't feel like herself anymore. I just hope that she will go to the DBT group and get a proper evaluation. I feel more hopeful than I did a few weeks ago, and I believe that she can feel much better than she does now if she gets the right help. I know that there's no magic bullet (if only), but every small step helps. One crucial thing I'm learning in my own therapy is that I have to learn to enjoy my life, even when my daughter is not doing well. I used to subscribe to the belief that we're only as happy as our least happy child, but that way of thinking is killing me. (I've been sick all this year and am just recovering from pneumonia. I believe that I've "stressed" myself into these illnesses.) I have to learn that I can love her and want to help her, but that I can't make her unhappiness mine. I know--easier said than done, but I'm 65 years old, and I don't want to spend my final 20 or so years being miserable, and I want to go to my grave with some peace of mind.

[pessim-optimist]

That seems to be good news about your daughter. Let's hope, she will be motivated and take the necessary steps towards therapy.

Also - It's good to hear that you are feeling better already! Your therapist is right - we can only help our children when we are healthy and doing well. And being able to enjoy our life in spite of what our child is going through is an important part of that, even though it's not intuitive for parents - we want to make sure our child is ok - but this is long-term, we are in it for the long-haul. So, our well-being greatly depends in how well we take care of our needs. 

[madmom]

It really helped me, when I realized that my daughter's illness was not mine, and that I needed to do some of the things my husband and I had always dreamed about doing.  When I changed my "poor me, poor her" mindset and started doing positive things for myself, I didn't resent the disease so much, and in turn was a better role model and parent to all three of my children.  Hang in there.   I hope things continue to improve for you and your child.