Non-BPD Anger

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

I was wondering if any of you have had the experience of raging at your BPD spouse when they start raging at you?

To give more detail, I was able to handle my wife's temper tantrums with a level head and patience for about the first 1 1/2 years of our marriage. At some point I got tired of the way I was being treated and my patience just got all used up. Now it's gone and I can't get it back!

If I feel that her mood is starting to change, I'll just egg her on or make little verbal jabs until she is in a full on rage. Then I'll tell her about the wonderful attorney I talked to today or let her know that I looked at some really nice apartments for when I leave her sorry ___. Basically, I feel like I have this anger and bitterness toward her that I've never had toward anyone else. I don't know that I can get back to the point where I can love her again.

I actually started seeing a psychiatrist because I could see my anger was getting out of control. He put me on Lamictal, which helps.

I know I'm not the BPD one because I have absolutely no fear of being abandoned. If she were to walk out of my life tomorrow, it would be like a piano was lifted off my shoulders.

The reason I'm staying is for our kids. I'm the only buffer that they have. I wouldn't want to have to wonder what's happening to them if I wasn't given primary custody.

[matt82]

Hello,

I was wondering if any of you have had the experience of raging at your BPD spouse when they start raging at you?

To give more detail, I was able to handle my wife's temper tantrums with a level head and patience for about the first 1 1/2 years of our marriage. At some point I got tired of the way I was being treated and my patience just got all used up. Now it's gone and I can't get it back!

If I feel that her mood is starting to change, I'll just egg her on or make little verbal jabs until she is in a full on rage. Then I'll tell her about the wonderful attorney I talked to today or let her know that I looked at some really nice apartments for when I leave her sorry ___. Basically, I feel like I have this anger and bitterness toward her that I've never had toward anyone else. I don't know that I can get back to the point where I can love her again.

I actually started seeing a psychiatrist because I could see my anger was getting out of control. He put me on Lamictal, which helps.

I know I'm not the BPD one because I have absolutely no fear of being abandoned. If she were to walk out of my life tomorrow, it would be like a piano was lifted off my shoulders.

The reason I'm staying is for our kids. I'm the only buffer that they have. I wouldn't want to have to wonder what's happening to them if I wasn't given primary custody.

[I_was_blind]

Hi Matt,

It happened to me actually several times... I lost my temper, and said horrible things I’m not proud of (I can be really mean when someone presses all my buttons and has no regards at all for my feelings). What has helped me is to try to depersonalize her attacks, be more understanding/compassionate (it’s really a freaking disease, and she suffers quite a lot, she’s only very used to that drama/chaos/anger).

In my case what I believe is that, if I allow someone to press my buttons, there are two things I need to work on me. 1) Work on those buttons (I should be able to deal with them in a better way). And 2) Avoiding to come to the situation where she presses my buttons (I can leave, hang up the phone, etc).

I feel Non-BPs have basically a real test dealing with BPs, and there’s always something there for us to learn about ourselves. I do it not only for her, but above all to learn with myself, and find better ways to be a better person. Anyways, easier said than done, and still I believe it's worth trying

Hope this helps

John

[moonunit]

You know what i have noticed about myself, i have been doing this dance for 7yrs now - at first i had a good grip on myself, i was well rested, ate well, saw my family and friends quite a bit and had a good balance in my life - since then all of that has been worn down and i am at the point where i see you, in a way you take on their personality(ies) and when i have become so run down and have the support system surronding me, i don't react in a rational/normal fashion - i act like her and that is truely scary ! - i now know what i am up against ( BPD ) and now must educate myself and start to take care of myself so i can deal with the illness - not a great situation but one i have to deal with - so i get what your going through, mind you i don't instigate with her, being myself and being around her is enough amoe for her to start things anyways, i don't need to do anything, just be there   

[OnceConfused]

Matt83:

Anger in a way is good because it lets the steam out, so-to-spead, but constant anger is not healthy for you. Anger will put you constantly in a ready to fight mode, and will impact your heart and many of your organs.

The normal tendency is to get back at them to let them know who should have the last words. That only serves to stir up the negative emotions in both of you.

I know children are a part of your consideration, but at some points you will have STOP making your life miserable and find happiness elsewhere. That is to have the courage to say enough and enough. You cannot do the right parenting by being angry or defensive all the time. Your children will become fatherless shortly.

[Vagabond]

This is the first time i have posted on this level of the board, but Matt what you have said hit home so hard.

I was you my friend in my time with my ex, i wont go into too much detail but i was with my ex for 5 years, and in those 5 years and especially towards the end, the things the spilled out of my mouth were terrible, i called her every name under the sun you could think of. It got worse the longer i was with her, but my ex would not be the rager to start with, no it was my ex's total sense of entitlement and selfishness that was my trigger towards her. God i tried everyway under the sun to talk to her as an adult about things but it was no use, any little thing i asked her about that actually meant something to me in the relationship was met with sarcasm or a total mood swing towards me, and it just got too much for me and i let rip with verbal volleys, the likes i had never done before her or have after.

My take on this and maybe its the same for you is this... .when your needs are not being met in a relationship and your own personal boundaries are getting stretched like a rubber band then eventually you will snap... what happens when it snaps... .you get the attention you want, at last the focus is on you but its on you in a negative way... but what you have is that adrenaline running through you, like you had when you were in the honeymoon stage of your relationship, its a different adrenaline because its brought on with anger but its the same buzz running through your body.

This is not really my level of the forum to post on because i did not have the option of staying/undecided because she left for another, but your thread really hit home at what i had become.

I still loved her, that never changed and i miss her a great deal because there was so much potential for us to move forward, but i could not save her anymore and i was drained and now when i look back after 8 months i think her making the choice to move onto another was the best for me and her, i was becoming her in oh so many ways and i dont want that and in all honesty it scared me of what i was becoming... .

Good Luck mate and you know in your heart what you must do ok

[argyle]

Yes.  So yes. I've mostly not raged at my BPDw, a few times though. For me, it just got to the point where I was looking forward to her exhausting herself with a screaming fit, because it meant her 16 hours validation session was almost over. I'm just out of patience. That escalated until her stay in jail. Yes, I sent her there and no, I'm not sorry. I'm seeing a therapist and trying to channel my anger in a productive fashion.

Provoking them just to start/finish the fight early isn't productive long-term. Setting limits and enforcing consequences is.

My limits are:

1. No abuse

2. I'm not a therapist, so I'm not validating distorted thinking. I'll listen if I have time, but don't expect me to agree. I do make exceptions for a few issues she just can't let go of.

3. BPD's are unhealthy for children - either go to therapy and a skills course, or we're looking at NC.

So, consequences... .

1. If she crosses a boundary, she gets to apologize. If I'm feeling nice, we then talk about BPD behavior X and how it is not productive in the long-term. Then we talk about what's bothering her. And, usually, how her anxiety is coming from distorted thinking.

2. If she brings something up, I validate a bit.  Then we talk about how her anxiety is coming from distorted thinking. As she progresses in her DBT course, we'll start going through alternatives to lower her anxiety level.

3. And yes, I am documenting, and yes, if she assaults me again, she can expect a trip in a squad car-I'm reasonably certain her friends won't bail her out. If I'm feeling generous, I'll leave the area when she becomes verbally abusive, no guarantees... If your BPDw lies, tape recorders or video helps.

Limitations, well, she's mentally ill - with low stress tolerance, and a host of issues. There's a lot she can't cope with - so I'm doing most of the daily maintenance and shielding her from 'high-conflict' situations. I'm also essentially chained to her side when I'm at home.

Someday, she may be healthy enough to actually listen to me and my grievances.  Not now though, her own issues take up way too much of her mental space. Oh well, that's life, and yes it sucks.

Occasionally, I try to say something positive, but honestly, part of me is choking on rage and the other part is just numb. Somewhere inside, sadly enough, I still love her.

I protected her for a long time, but eventually decided that protecting her did more harm than good. She knows that I'll always be there for her, one way or another - but tolerating her behavior was my fault, and made it worse.

In particular, if a BPDw isn't seeking treatment, my advice would be to start with about 6 months of documentation, then, get a tape recorder, and be perfectly reasonable but stop walking on eggshells while the children aren't around, file a police report, press charges, and file for divorce and sole custody. Getting her a diagnosis may also help.

On the bright side, her behavior has improved, but part of it is probably her avoiding me. I don't know - do you ever notice that, once your BPD starts improving, your anger gets worse?

--Argyle

[ShakinMyHead]

My exBPDbf's arrogance, and silence when I would express my feelings to him, regarding his callous behavior toward me, would trigger my rage. I would tolerate his apathetic responses for a while, as I tried to "educate" him, on all the different therapeutic opportunities for change that are out there. That he has yet to tap into…but after hours of heavy sighing, eye rolling, and acting as if I'm wasting his precious trolling time on the online dating sites, that he's NOT on, another thing I've imagined.  I've unraveled myself, to date 2 times, and they were not, I repeat, NOT, my proudest moments. I'm not sure about anyone else, but some of us, become as dis-regulated as they are, when around them. They are our partners, we learn to dance their dance. There is a disorder referred to as "Foliate adieu' " It means, "Shared Psychosis". If your with someone healthy, it's a good thing to adopt some of our partners ways, if not with a healthy partner, well, dats what we got here…me thinks. Anyway, I think I finally raged, because not even, so deep down, I know I shouldn't be wasting anymore precious time trying to educate this adult on how to pick up a phone and find a therapist, I should be leaving. He would if he wanted to. I'm just enabling the oppositional aspect of the disorder. A very delicious part for my exBPDbf. While I'm in tears trying desperately to save my relationship, he just heard, "Game of Racquetball"?  Anyway, I found this old thread about the NON's rage. But I was really looking for the non being induced with the rage of the BPD, because of their passive aggressive attitude. Mine went silent and quiet, and because all of his manipulating is so abstract and, he always spins it in a way that's hard for me to defend. He uses this to induce insanity in me, and depending on how I'm feeling, I've lost it twice in 1-1/2 years. 2nd time this afternoon.   And then I feel really horrible about myself, because that's what he wanted, that's his out, and I step right into the trap to be discarded for being insane... and I acted insane... Thank you for listening. If anyone has experienced anything like this, It would be really helpful to hear your experience. Thank you. Hugs, SMH

[going places]

My exBPDbf's arrogance, and silence when I would express my feelings to him, regarding his callous behavior toward me, would trigger my rage. I would tolerate his apathetic responses for a while, as I tried to "educate" him, on all the different therapeutic opportunities for change that are out there. That he has yet to tap into…but after hours of heavy sighing, eye rolling, and acting as if I'm wasting his precious trolling time on the online dating sites, that he's NOT on, another thing I've imagined.  I've unraveled myself, to date 2 times, and they were not, I repeat, NOT, my proudest moments. I'm not sure about anyone else, but some of us, become as dis-regulated as they are, when around them. They are our partners, we learn to dance their dance.

My ex knew how to send me into outer space.

It was his way of manipulating me into thinking I was the one with the problem because I would get so angry.

Same thing: Eye rolling, staring at the wall, dead silence or smart arce / snipey comments.

He did it on purpose.

There is a disorder referred to as "Foliate adieu' " It means, "Shared Psychosis". If your with someone healthy, it's a good thing to adopt some of our partners ways, if not with a healthy partner, well, dats what we got here…me thinks.

My kid played hockey all his life. Played at a pretty high level.

When they were little (before high school) his team could beat teams that were 'better' (stronger, faster, more skilled) because his team ROSE to the occasion, and pushed themselves to play better than the better team.

BUT

We would play a team that was no where near the talent level my boys team was... . and the kids would play sloppy, undisciplined hockey because that's what the other team was playing.

Coach would call a time out and say "hey guys... . um, stick to the plan, play YOUR game, and stop playing sloppy hockey". WHEN the kids listened, exercised self / team discipline, they won. But when they decided to play 'sloppy selfish hockey' (like the other team) we'd lose, and walk away saying "what just happened"?

They played to the 'level on the ice'... . meaning if the other team was goonie, sloppy, undisciplined, it sucked them into playing the same way.

I am fully 100% responsible for my REACTIONS 100% of the time... . but be around someone who gaslights, pushes buttons, and acts like an entitled 13 year old? It could make Job lose his mind.

Anyway, I think I finally raged, because not even, so deep down, I know I shouldn't be wasting anymore precious time trying to educate this adult on how to pick up a phone and find a therapist, I should be leaving. He would if he wanted to. I'm just enabling the oppositional aspect of the disorder. A very delicious part for my exBPDbf. While I'm in tears trying desperately to save my relationship, he just heard, "Game of Racquetball"?  Anyway, I found this old thread about the NON's rage. But I was really looking for the non being induced with the rage of the BPD, because of their passive aggressive attitude. Mine went silent and quiet, and because all of his manipulating is so abstract and, he always spins it in a way that's hard for me to defend. He uses this to induce insanity in me, and depending on how I'm feeling, I've lost it twice in 1-1/2 years. 2nd time this afternoon.   And then I feel really horrible about myself, because that's what he wanted, that's his out, and I step right into the trap to be discarded for being insane... and I acted insane... Thank you for listening. If anyone has experienced anything like this, It would be really helpful to hear your experience. Thank you. Hugs, SMH

Almost 25 years I put up with what you have described here.

The last 3 years have been traumatic.

The divorce was final 3 days ago.

The house is on the market.

When it sells, I will be so freakin' gone... . the only thing he will see is a vapor trail.

[Hopeless777]

My two cents: married 27+ years to uBPDw with full BPD last 1.5 years. I've moved out now 3+ weeks. Sometimes I feel like I have BPD because of how angry I am (yes I have a T) and how her dysregulation affects me. I just had to walk away before I did something I'd regret. I can't tell you how many times I said words I really regret though. I am ashamed of the things I've said and have always apologized. Has she? No way! I have all the "problems" and she's fine. Just writing about this gets me going! I guess at least I recognize my shortcomings and issues and am working to deal with them. I think that's what separates nons from BPDs. At least we care enough to try. They, on the other hand, blame everybody else and play the victim. Well I'm done playing the fool!

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Sometimes I feel like I have BPD because of how angry I am (yes I have a T) and how her dysregulation affects me. I just had to walk away before I did something I'd regret. I can't tell you how many times I said words I really regret though. I am ashamed of the things I've said and have always apologized. Has she? No way! I have all the "problems" and she's fine.

I recently broke down and just started "one-upping" my uBPDw & her accusations...

Her: Did you go see your ex

Me: Yes, I threw her down in her living room and we had sex

Her: Oh yeah, I'm sure you did

Me: Yep, she did all those things you don't like to do... .

and so on.  I know, not my best moment, but at first I was amazed, neither of us rose our voice, and the discussion was over quickly.  For a fleeting moment I thought wow, maybe I found a way to shorten the length of these seemingly endless discussions.

Well, short term it worked... . Now it's just one more arrow she's added to her quiver (somehow all my responses her rages show my real feelings... . but the things she says should be dismissed because she was angry... . )

[ShakinMyHead]

Going places, Hopeless, Isitherorisitme, Thank you so much for sharing your experiences of "loosing it" with me. I sent a text apologizing for my behavior earlier today, in addition, telling him that I can forgive myself and live with what happened, because, I understand that when any human being is screwed with, lied to, gaslighted, manipulated, the way he has with me, there is bound to be a consequence of some sort. The fact that he doesn't know this, and he's surprised, a human will eventually retaliate when tortured enough, indicates even more then ever his lack of humanness, his narcissism. My text was brief, succinct and not wordy. I ended it by saying no response necessary. I included in the text that his remaining items were left in the lobby of my building for him to pick up whenever it was convenient. And now I get back on the horse once again…. NC Day #1  TY! SMH

[mace17]

My exBPDbf's arrogance, and silence when I would express my feelings to him, regarding his callous behavior toward me, would trigger my rage. I would tolerate his apathetic responses for a while, as I tried to "educate" him, on all the different therapeutic opportunities for change that are out there. That he has yet to tap into…but after hours of heavy sighing, eye rolling, and acting as if I'm wasting his precious trolling time on the online dating sites, that he's NOT on, another thing I've imagined.  I've unraveled myself, to date 2 times, and they were not, I repeat, NOT, my proudest moments. I'm not sure about anyone else, but some of us, become as dis-regulated as they are, when around them. They are our partners, we learn to dance their dance. There is a disorder referred to as "Foliate adieu' " It means, "Shared Psychosis". If your with someone healthy, it's a good thing to adopt some of our partners ways, if not with a healthy partner, well, dats what we got here…me thinks. Anyway, I think I finally raged, because not even, so deep down, I know I shouldn't be wasting anymore precious time trying to educate this adult on how to pick up a phone and find a therapist, I should be leaving. He would if he wanted to. I'm just enabling the oppositional aspect of the disorder. A very delicious part for my exBPDbf. While I'm in tears trying desperately to save my relationship, he just heard, "Game of Racquetball"?  Anyway, I found this old thread about the NON's rage. But I was really looking for the non being induced with the rage of the BPD, because of their passive aggressive attitude. Mine went silent and quiet, and because all of his manipulating is so abstract and, he always spins it in a way that's hard for me to defend. He uses this to induce insanity in me, and depending on how I'm feeling, I've lost it twice in 1-1/2 years. 2nd time this afternoon.   And then I feel really horrible about myself, because that's what he wanted, that's his out, and I step right into the trap to be discarded for being insane... and I acted insane... Thank you for listening. If anyone has experienced anything like this, It would be really helpful to hear your experience. Thank you. Hugs, SMH

Hi ShakinMyHead, I just wanted to tell you that I have experienced something just like what you have. If I get legitimately upset about something uBPDh did or said and try to talk to him about it, first he will turn it around and make it all my fault, maybe with a few sarcastic comments thrown in, then he will be very nice for a little while so I think that maybe he is realizing how I felt, and of course I enjoy the attentiveness, then he switches to being angry and yelling at me for everything I have supposed done wrong to him for our entire relationship.  I end up feeling so turned around and question my sanity, and end up apologizing for being such a horrible person, and then eventually realize I've been manipulated and get mad at myself.  Of course he got exactly what he wanted.  I need to start realizing this stuff earlier, like when its happening, and also not fall for his "bait" when he makes his little cutting comments to get a reaction from me.  I know it is not easy, and constantly makes you question your sanity, but trust me its not you. 

[Cat21]

I, too, have raged right back. In fact, it wasn't until I stumbled upon this website out of desperation that I learned what BPD is and thought- hey, that sounds VERY familiar. The last few months have included a lot of reading and learning on my part, and slowly, I'm trying to implement new tools. However, the last 5.5 years (of our 6 year relationship) have included many huge fights, and raging back by me. I never knew what "seeing red" meant until I found myself in the merry-go-round of insults with my BPDh. I'm happy to say that I haven't lost it in the last 3 or 4 months, but I've most definitely come close. How can we not?

[ShakinMyHead]

Mace & Cat, Thank you so much for your supportive replies. I know the darker side of all of this, and our true core issue, is what "our part" in this dance is, and ultimately, what are we going to do about it? I can feel the pull of what is mine, now that I am in NC again. He's not here to muddy the waters so, I am alone with my own disease. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and expose myself, and share that I am fighting the urge to dial pain, but that would come later, after the "make-up" night.  I literally can imagine my body relaxing just to hear his voice, akin to the heroin entering the blood stream. There is absolutely no difference at this point. He is as toxic an addiction as there is. I think my rage gets worse with every recycle as well because of my own disappointment in myself. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think "if this happens, it will be over." "If I say this to him, it will be unforgivable, and then it can be over." Well, it seems a person that doesn't feel too much, forgets very quickly, horrible insults, but learns very quickly how to use them against you. Why leave when all the fun is just starting? Everything is backwards with them, it's insanity. They don't listen to rational words or language. Sam Vaknin speaks of them being "Highly Somatic"…I don't think my exBPDbf understands a rational response. He understands enactments, so tries to provoke emotional reactions. He would stare at me when I would speak to him. He would nod and seem as if he was listening, agree sometimes, but, never have anything cohesive to say in response…Didn't seem to take it in?  It felt so passive aggressive, because, I believe he knew exactly what was going on. A monkey would. 

[waverider]

I went through this phase. Before I really understood it I avoided conflict altogether. Then i started to learn, after a while I started to learn I did not have to accept it, and became frustrated with all the work I put in yet it still didn't "fix it". She would push and push and as I had held back it blew up and I dysregulated. Felt ashamed, felt I should have known better, and knew I had set my cause back.

Now I am at a stage where I have sufficient understanding of both the disorder and also how to defuse & repair conflict. As a result i am no longer afraid of BPD rage, this means I am not afraid of conflict, so i dont bottle it up until some trivial last straw blow up. Any conflict we have now is started by me, it is about something important, it is concise and thought about without being reactionary. There is no reaction followed by counter reaction escalation. As a result the "conflict" turns out to be no more than "strongly worded point of view', done and dust very quickly and effectively. A blip on the radar of whatit  used to be.

We no longer have any dysregulated conflict.

The lesson is once you can differentiate trivial from important, have gained the confidence in conflict management with a PD, you can make your view known with confidence at appropriate times, in a more appropriate way. It prevents the build up of resentment that causes the loss of focus and control that we are used to.

[mace17]

I keep wondering if this is where I went wrong.  For the first few years of our relationship, I simply refused to fight or argue at all.  I either kept my mouth shut or bent over backwards to do it his way to make him happy, because I didn't want conflict.  Eventually I guess I realized I was losing myself, and it brought out some very angry moments.  But its hard after doing it that way for so long to make changes and expect something different.  I am trying to learn how to set boundaries calmly and stick to them.

[Forestaken]

Sometimes I feel like I have BPD because of how angry I am (yes I have a T) and how her dysregulation affects me. I just had to walk away before I did something I'd regret. I can't tell you how many times I said words I really regret though. I am ashamed of the things I've said and have always apologized. Has she? No way! I have all the "problems" and she's fine.

I recently broke down and just started "one-upping" my uBPDw & her accusations...

My uBPD+dOCDXw was physically abusive.  Sometimes after punching me in the face, I would stick my jaw out and shout "Is that the best you got?" "C'mon hit me again! I can take what ever you can dish out!"

Most of the time she backed down. - "most"

[wishfulthinking]

I find I am very bitter and angry, and yes, the calmer he is, the more bitter I seem to get.  The little things will slowly build up, the little passive aggressive comments I let go to avoid a rage, the times when he is so angry at something else and I am now "trained" to watch for it to come back on me even though he is working on that, the bad financial decisions he makes and blames everyone else for, the lies he doesn't think I catch, I can only let it all go so long before my anger builds up and I'm the one that gets snappy.  I try to hide out on those days.  It's nearly impossible, if I'm not right by him, I don't love him.  I have my days where the past is not forgettable and I have definite bitterness.

[HopefulDad]

My timeline was flipped: I started out reacting angrily, then realized I didn't want to be like that and started learning tools (primarily setting and enforcing boundaries) to at least behave better in my half of the conflict.  Still, I slip and try to learn from those times to be better in the future.

What I've found helps from slipping is thinking of all the different types of buttons your pwBPD could push.  Think of buttons that have never been pushed, but ones you know would set you off (e.g. calling your parents f####### female dogs, keying your car, setting your wallet on fire).  Then practice in your head how you would react.

Bodyguards go through training for things like standoffs with guns brandished, knives at throats, etc.  The first week in these training scenarios they break down and sob in the middle of the exercise.  By the end of the training they are ready for anything.  The takeaway is that practice and preparation help when confronted with a high-intensity conflict, whether it's with actual bullets or BPD bullets.

[losinghope97]

HopefulDad,

That's good advice, hadn't ever really thought about coming up with the next thing she will use to set me off, and training to lessen its impact. 

My uBPDstbxw is a master at moving from one button to the next.  After having seen it so much, I can watch her run through the hit list of areas to attack (family, my mental issues, 'not a man', divorce, me being a crappy parent/husband/lover, etc.), which have all worked at some point, but have lost their impact over time.  But then she will come up with a new one out of the blue.  The kind of action/statement/threat that has you think 'Oh no she didn't' .  I usually can control myself, but have lost that battle more than once.  This of course is recalled for ever more as my anger issues and inability to control myself.

After the last 20+ years, absolutely nothing is off limit, so will have think broadly to come up with the next way for her to try to hurt me.

LH97

[waverider]

Bodyguards go through training for things like standoffs with guns brandished, knives at throats, etc.  The first week in these training scenarios they break down and sob in the middle of the exercise.  By the end of the training they are ready for anything.  The takeaway is that practice and preparation help when confronted with a high-intensity conflict, whether it's with actual bullets or BPD bullets.

What this is about is learning to use the appropriate tools to defuse any conflict early. rather than just avoid and letting the emotion build up until you are overwhelmed. Separating the personal from the "job".

Difference is as the partners of pwBPD we get no training and learning has to evolve by a process of trial and error. Learning to say "no"/"enough"/"not acceptable" early enough while we are still calm is the starting point. Sounds easy, but we have been trained otherwise. Unfortunately we tend to leave it until its the last straw and the emotions are raw and control is fading.

[HopefulDad]

Bodyguards go through training for things like standoffs with guns brandished, knives at throats, etc.  The first week in these training scenarios they break down and sob in the middle of the exercise.  By the end of the training they are ready for anything.  The takeaway is that practice and preparation help when confronted with a high-intensity conflict, whether it's with actual bullets or BPD bullets.

What this is about is learning to use the appropriate tools to defuse any conflict early. rather than just avoid and letting the emotion build up until you are overwhelmed. Separating the personal from the "job".

Difference is as the partners of pwBPD we get no training and learning has to evolve by a process of trial and error. Learning to say "no"/"enough"/"not acceptable" early enough while we are still calm is the starting point. Sounds easy, but we have been trained otherwise. Unfortunately we tend to leave it until its the last straw and the emotions are raw and control is fading.

In general, this is true.  However, sometimes things escalate quickly and a button you didn't even know you had gets pushed out of nowhere.  It's those rare situations where my lack of a prepared response leads me to respond in a raw "fight" mode, much to my chagrin.

I think the tools on here are more than adequate to avoid emotions building up over time, especially in situations experienced previously.

[waverider]

Bodyguards go through training for things like standoffs with guns brandished, knives at throats, etc.  The first week in these training scenarios they break down and sob in the middle of the exercise.  By the end of the training they are ready for anything.  The takeaway is that practice and preparation help when confronted with a high-intensity conflict, whether it's with actual bullets or BPD bullets.

What this is about is learning to use the appropriate tools to defuse any conflict early. rather than just avoid and letting the emotion build up until you are overwhelmed. Separating the personal from the "job".

Difference is as the partners of pwBPD we get no training and learning has to evolve by a process of trial and error. Learning to say "no"/"enough"/"not acceptable" early enough while we are still calm is the starting point. Sounds easy, but we have been trained otherwise. Unfortunately we tend to leave it until its the last straw and the emotions are raw and control is fading.

In general, this is true.  However, sometimes things escalate quickly and a button you didn't even know you had gets pushed out of nowhere.  It's those rare situations where my lack of a prepared response leads me to respond in a raw "fight" mode, much to my chagrin.

I think the tools on here are more than adequate to avoid emotions building up over time, especially in situations experienced previously.

Yep, you will never get it right all the time. Being prepared and having experience helps you be more effective at damage minimization/control in emergencies.

It is important not to feel like a failure when this happens, we are not expected to be perfect, just the best we can be, and aware of our own limitations.

[waverider]

TBH at the moment I am experienced triangulation being set up between my partners mother and me. I see it. I can read it, but it still angers me as it is fueling an existing dislike (from me) which is independent of my partners "victim tales".