Adult daughter soon to have BPD mother in law... need advice

[tenacity]

In 2 weeks my adult daughter will be marrying into a family with an N/Bpd mother. During the time my daughter and her fiance have been dating, a lot has changed with my daughter's personality. She has been getting more anxious, having panic attacks. Her fiance doesn't want her to take her Ativan   ... . Almost from the start my relationship with my daughter was criticized and 'blamed' for my daughter's so called problems in her life. There has been  a huge attempt to pull her away from me and our family and isolate her. Although I feel a lot of what her fiance does is because he has a mom with pd's, it is still very hard watching your daughter being sucked into what seems very much like a cult-like family. There have been times where my daughter has openly shared things about her soon to be new family... . some pretty upsetting things, but she is quickly made to be quiet by her fiance. So then there is nothing for a while. There is way too much to go into right now. The family is controlling her and although she can still think and talk for herself at times, it is much different than it used to be. It is the walking on egg shells feeling. She is more distant because she says she needs to be in order to grow up. I get that to a point. She told us she and her fiance are being distant the same way with his parents, but they aren't. They do a LOT with them. AND she is living in their house now, until the wedding. I am trying to be so careful, but my husband and I are both really beginning to resent this other family. We feel like she is being brainwashed by them to pull away.

We just had her bridal shower over the weekend. My daughter had a great time. But her soon to be mother in law was 45 mins late, and held everything up and then had to make a grand entrance. She also made sure to gush about how she was getting the daughter she never had "FINALLY" ... . and then stole the show with her gifts and attention getting behavior. It was so hard to see all of this. She ALSO and I still cannot believe this, gave my daughter something I had given HER several months ago as a shower gift! And she acted like she had gone out and bought it. Later after the shower we went out hiking and the soon to be mom in law was sitting on a rock in the woods taking a bunch of selfies from all different angles and views and going through them, while we waited to finish the hike. She also mentioned on the ride home how she was so proud of my daughter because "she didn't go running home after her latest bout of panic attacks." It scares me because these were some pretty bad panic attacks. My daughter did tell me about them after, and they scared her, but now we feel like other things are going to be held from us... . other health related things, if they get their way. I mean we still are her parents, but any relationship with us is being HUGELY discouraged a lot of the time. When we do talk which is maybe once every couple of weeks, I try to keep things very surface-y so I don't make her pull away. This is so crazy.

I am finally NC with my pbd mom and hate like crazy that now we have to deal with another. I would appreciate any advice. We feel like we have lost our daughter and our other daughter feels like she has lost her sister.

Thanks!

[funfunctional]

Oh boy.  I feel for you.   Up until she started going with this guy you and your daughter had a good relationship and now a "divide" is happening.     Is that what happened?

I say the only way to this is your daughter.     Is there anyway you two can do stuff alone?  Tell her you love her and miss her and would love to do even a pedicure together or a lunch date?    I think it is the love/hate thing.   

Someone always has to be the BAD GUY and apparently you have been nominated for that.   Just the scene you described of her coming late and putting on the show made me cringe.   And what up with the regifting?    I did not like the announced "I have a daughter comment".    I hope this woman buries herself good and your daughter sees her for the jerk she is. May take a while. 

Don't distance yourself from her too much.  Your daughter is caught up in the wedding garbage and I think once reality hits her life may be tough.    She and her husband may end up having to move away from his mom to even have a normal life and kids.

Oh boy!

   

[tenacity]

Thank you FUNFUNCTIONAL  , yes that is exactly what happened. I think he so badly wants to be the Knight in Shining armour for her that anyone else is just getting in the way... . ME. I feel bad for him because he has an N mom and soo many of us can relate to that. My daughter thankfully does see her new NMIL for what she is thanks to my mom being one... . but her soon to be husband is in that place where he doesn't want her talking bad about his mom or family... both of which overwhelm my daughter. I believe that is what is leading to so much anxiety and panic right now. She can't be authentic to herself or at least feels like she can't and her body is rebelling to that stress.

Her soon to be MIL is too much... . and the thought of her having so much time with the new couple is really upsetting. She has shown sides of enjoying messing with their heads... . trying to scare my daughter, and completely control her. It is so hard. I really appreciate your advice and yes, will definitely do that. I think/hope she buries herself good too... . and definitely think it will come to that... . it is just the waiting I guess and the damage done in the meantime   Thanks again. 

[funfunctional]

I love the Tinker Bell!

Good luck & I am glad I was of some help.   

I hope you can still enjoy the wedding - my guess is your daugther and new husband will be waiting for the honeymoon.     

Curious - Does she use money to dangle the carrot?    Wondering if she will do that to sway where they will live.     I think encouraging your daughter to make THEIR OWN life with boundaries drawn and even saying ... . you know it's a good idea to draw boundaries for herself between you, MIL, DIL and her dad.  "Making her own life' independant of being too entagled with any families".

Then later when/if she has kids she will be free to have relationship with you.   All us daughters go to our mom's with our kids.         

[tenacity]

Lol, yes, I think they are both looking forward to that. My daughter has told me several times now how living at his parents'  house is stressing her out and how she NEEEEEDS to be out of there. So they are taking two weeks for their honeymoon and going several different places around the state. Yes, I agree and have said things like that to her, so she doesn't get the feeling I am against his family in any way. When I talk to her now, I try to stay very neutral regarding them and his family, and stress the importance of boundaries. Honestly I don't want to know any personal stuff between my daughter and future son in law... .unless something is seriously wrong and she needs our help. I hope/wish he would honor that with his family too... .but I have my doubts.

Surprisingly no, they do not use the money carrot. I was expecting it, but nothing so far.

Thanks-I am a huge Tinkerbell fan. And I appreciate the good wishes. Her new MIL seems to truly have a split personality... .I am so used to how my own mom could be, seeing it is someone new and in some different ways... .wow!

Ha ha, I don't even want to think of the Grandma wars that she could try to start... .can you imagine... .gosh, not even going there yet... .... .but you are so right and my daughter still does come to me with as she calls it "girly stuff"... .thanks