It's like having a fourth child to constantly attend to. Her needs overtake everyone's!
Sorry, man. This describes exactly how it was when I was married to my uBPDw. And to this day she is still all about her and lives like she's in junior high school. But, the good news is that now I get to provide a safe home for my kids that is no longer revolving all around mommy's ridiculous demands and selfish behavior. My kids are hurt that the family is broken up, thinking back to more innocent days in their early childhood where it maybe "seemed" like all was good in the world, but in reality it was always broken. No one person should have so much control over and demand so much allegiance from everyone in the home. It just isn't right.
I second LittleLeft. Is there a way you can walk away and take a time-out? I mean... . you're well read on BPD, as you've said, so you know its just a game of hers? So can you disenage or physically get out of there? Or just refuse to argue and answer any of her accusations? Call the police if she gets violent?
My ex would rage at me sometimes face-to-face but usually through terrible emails and text messages. That was easier in some ways but it was still awful and filled you with this sense of dread to notice an email in your inbox from her. To this day, I still get a pang of dread if I get an email from my ex. In those cases, eventually I got to the point where I would stop reading once I realized it was one of her rants. I knew there was ZERO point in indulging her insults and listening to her "point", because she wasn't trying to make a point -she was punishing. It was not any more constructive than a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum and expecting to be heard like an adult. And then later, after she calmed down, she would ask me if I read her messages. I would reply, "No." And that would hurt her feelings and she would start attacking me for that. You can't win.
So I finally decided I don't want to win... . and I don't care to play. "Winning" would mean she finally stops and sees how she is behaving and maybe, just maybe, sees reality and how she is hurting everyone. But it won't happen... . not really... . not ever.
I know it's hard... . but continue on the path of setting up a new leadership in the home where you lead by example that mommy's ridiculous behavior doesn't rule the roost. Live by your values, your perceptions, your desire for what is and is not acceptable in your home... . and what will and will not be catered to. That doesn't mean confrontation. It means a refusal to play the game. I never fight with my ex. I just calmly accept the truth of what/who I'm up against, aware of what her game is like, and I just don't play the game with her any more. But for me, I couldn't really effectively do that until I no longer cared about trying to maintain a relationship with her. In other words, I was only fooling myself and dabbling about it until I actually ended the relationship. After that, there was no more major threat. The "gun" had been taken out of her hand, since the relationship was done, and I felt much more free to blaze a new trail out of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. Hence, my nickname.
