I'm physically sick and can't stop crying.

[tristesse]

I am so broken right now.BPDD is pushing way too far and I'm a bundle of crazy nerves. I'm physically sick and can't stop crying. I'm trying, I'm really really trying, I'm using techniques, but I'm new to all of it, so I mess up,but I am way past my level of endurance.I love my daughter, no words can even explain how deeply, but I can not stand her.she is horrible, and the more effort I make the worse she gets.I have been called every foul disgusting word imaginable and some you probably can't imagine. I have been spit on, and pushed. And tonight I lost control and lashed out too. Why is she going so far backwards? How in God's name can I stop her from spiraling so far downward, and how can I mend what's destroyed? I just want to give up, I have no more energy. My heart is broken.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello tristesse 

I have been thinking about your situation and I think your DD is very threatened by your son's girlfriend and the new baby. That is probably why she seems to be acting in an extremely horrible way at present.

Having said that it sounds as if you are really at the end of your rope and need to take a little break, however brief.

I have been hit and verbally abused by my DD in the past and when it isn't actually happening it is hard to recall how very distressing it is and how hard it is to keep using the tools.

Keep reminding yourself that she has a horrible mental illness and probably feels as bad as you do.

I have found the most helpful thing in not taking things personally is practising mindfulness meditation so that I can control my own emotional responses.

Also posting on here has helped when I have felt very upset.

Have you any friends in RL that you could go out with for the afternoon. or just take yourself off somewhere nice.

She is definitely crossing boundaries with you and you need to take care of yourself.

I think validating her feelings will help but that is difficult to do when you are feeling emotional yourself.

How soon is it likely to be until you are no longer all living under the same roof?

I hope someone else will be able to talk to you more about boundaries-they are not my strongest point!

I think I might be looking into helping her with alternative accommodation but I would be careful of the timing in case she feels you are choosing gf and new baby over her and gs in some way.

People with BPD can be very oversensitive to perceived rejection.

Perhaps SET:

"I really want to support you and GS and I know you have been very stressed by everything that has happened recently-however if you swear at me and abuse me in this way I can't see how we can go on living together"

Hope some of these ideas help. I am really sory about your current situation

[jellibeans]

Dear tristesse

I am sorry you are struggling with you dd. Why do you think her behavior has gotten worse? Is it summer time? lack of schedule? I know you may feel very lost and things might seem very bad but they will improve... . I don't think it is easy being in those times when things are so unsettled.

Can you give a bit more detail about what happened? Is there a way to make amends... . say sorry for your part and move forward? Can you go to her T together and maybe he/she can mediate between the two of you?

tristesse... . maybe you just need a break... . can you get a way for a couple of days alone? Can you do even the samllest thing for yourself today? Buy yourself some flowers go out for a nice meal or visit a friend? I know this might be hard to do but please try... . crying at home is something we all do but don't stay in that place... . small steps can be taken to take care of yourself and that is so important.

[tristesse]

Lever and believable, thank you for taking time to respond to me. I am exhausted from no sleep and highly emotional as well, but have a better sense of understanding today. Dd is really pushing buttons lately, and there could be many reasons why, mist likely gf and new baby coming. I have apologized for losing control and for not listening, she told me I was  a vile disgusting disease eating away at her and she wished I would just for. I have no words for this, so I walked away. I am drained and empty today, but know that with sleep and time, it will get better. Thank you for caring, and I wish you both well.

[femom]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I have been there and always feel that it might be just around the corner again.  Is there any way you can go away by yourself for a weekend and just relax, sleep, or maybe go with a friend and have fun? 

It is exhausting to be the one always trying to validate, trying to keep the peace, and trying not to let the illness break you down.  I think we all understand your feelings.

[qcarolr]

tritesse

You are in a very tight crack in a very big rock. It feels like such an impossible setup for all of you. So many living in a small space. If I remember from another post your ds and his gf moved in with you rather recently. Your DD and gs were already living there. Then to anticipate the newborn... .  This is a lot of change to adjust to for your DD. She sounds very triggered and overwhelmed by her unmanageable feelings. Her feelings = her thinking/reality. So what can she do to survive? She projects all her fears onto you as you do love her deeply and will be there for her. As long as she is in the state of overwhelm, she is unable to take in rational or logical information.

What might work to help her to feel safe? To feel reassured that she will be OK even as her world continues to turn upside down? Does she have a supportive person other than you in her life (T, friend, other family)?

This is where validation tools can be a big help. The Lesson on the sidebar 'Validate the Valid' helps remind me of what NOT to do. And to understand my part - you are under just as much duress as your DD.

When does your ds plan to move to his own place with his new family? Does gf have any family they could stay with? Could they afford to spend a few days in a motel to get a break between gf and dd?

So how do you stay connected with her and protect yourself? Find ways to get validation for yourself first. When I am overwhelmed and distressed there is no way to be sincere in validating my DD28.

When my DD has attacked me in the past (verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically) I leave the area. Tell her I will not stand there and be attacked. Then I leave. For a long walk, for a drive, go to a cafe for coffee. I do this every time. Even when it is inconvenient for me. DD would refuse to be the one to leave. Often she had gotten her self-control back or had left the house before I got back.

It has reached a point where the police have gotten involved when she threatens physical harm to us or our property. She has been taken to ER for psych eval - though by the time the evaluator arrives she has settled down and is never detained or hospitalized.

I hope you can give yourself a break, get some rest, find your own support close by.

qcr

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Tristesse,

I saw your post this morning, but could not reply because I was busy at work.  WOW!  I have been where you are too.  Used up and done.  You were on my mind last night, because I was thinking you were dealing with more than any human being can stand.  So, it wasn't really a surprise to see you are at the end of your rope today.

I agree with all the others, YOU NEED TO STOP AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TODAY!  It's easy to see this when we're not the one in crisis.  You have been trying to do more than is physically and humanly possible to help everyone in your family.  But, it won't work if you use yourself up in the process.  So PLEASE call a friend, or go to a movie, or a bubble bath... . SOMETHING to nurture yourself.

An out-of-the-box thought came to me even before I saw your post today that I wanted to share with you.  Is it possible for your DS and DIL to get an apartment close by for a few months until you are able to move and sell the house to them?  The original plan would have worked fine if your DD and GS hadn't come back home too.  It just sounds like too much for all of you to deal with.  GEEZ!  Just preparing for a new baby is stressful.  And just dealing with BPD in the family is stressful.  Having just ONE adult child move home is stressful.  ALL of it at once is a recipe for disaster.  So, wouldn't a temporary home for your DS and DIL help reduce the stress?  You said your DS is stable and has a good job.  I know you wanted to be supportive and help him, but you ARE when you sell him the house.  In the meantime, it seems like a different temporary plan is called for.

I know it's hard to see outside the box when you're trapped inside it.  But from my vantage point, I can see that SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE in your situation.  I'm really concerned about you.

Hang in there!  BIG HUG to you!

[tristesse]

Qcarolr, Dd was second to move home Ds was here prior. Dd and gf are going to buy my house, so they will not be moving, I will. Thinks are calmer for now. We will find a way to make it work.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello tristesse,

I am so sorry that things have been escalating lately. I have read your other two threads.

You are in a really difficult position right now, and I agree with the others' advice that being able to take a break and take care of yourself is very important right now... .  

Your previous conversation about respect and peace in the home may have triggered her also, and that might be another reason why she is acting out. At the same time, you have all the rights to set boundaries and to uphold them. The down-side is that there is usually some push-back and escalation of unhealthy behaviors.

Instead of going to the immediate extreme of asking her to move out (which you probably don't want at this point either), have you thought of taking a "time out" if she becomes abusive? It is a good tool that lets the pwBPD know that you respect yourself and are not going to let them abuse you, that you are going to take care of yourself. I think it might become really handy to you, the pregnant gf, and anyone else in the house that's getting attacked. Here is a link to it, let us know what you think, ok?:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

Qcarolr, Dd was second to move home Ds was here prior. Dd and gf are going to buy my house, so they will not be moving, I will. Thinks are calmer for now. We will find a way to make it work.

Although I would also advocate for separating the households, if it becomes unbearable, it is fortunate that your DS was there first and will be staying. Otherwise, moving his family out might inadvertently send the wrong signal, that your DD has "won" your loyalties by acting out, and DS "lost", and has to move out.

How big is the house? Is there a way to assign spaces if needed to keep people somewhat separate? I remember that when my grandma lived with us (she was a wonderful lady), she had her own room, and because there wasn't much extra space, she had her 'kitchen' in the upstairs hallway, and her 'pantry and storage space' in the adjacent attic, and she had her own bathroom. This independent setup made everyone feel really good about the arrangement.

Or, how about talking to your son, seeing how he feels about it all? With the coming baby, I imagine they might like some peace and privacy. Would he be open to split the cost of a rental with you, so you can move out sooner?

[theplotthickens]

I have been burned out so many times, I know exactly what you are saying! 

On the sleep... . sleep deprivation is a form of torture!  Go the the doctor and get it treated.  If you are not getting enough sleep, start there. 

My dd does better when people stand up to her.  If I am too soft, she likes to dominate and bully me.  I have to be in a place where I feel emotionally and physically strong and assertive, or she will push every button and badger and abuse me. 

Also, there need to be consequences, as well as validation.  Your dd is crossing boundaries, and the ball is in your court now to stand up for yourself.  Your feelings are just as important as your dd's.  Sometimes we act on the idea that our feelings and needs don't matter as much as our ill child's, and then we get burned out.  Our bodies disagree with this, and our body will begin to DEMAND change... . through insomnia, depression, physical symptoms, illness etc.  We can't ignore the abuse anymore - our bodies won't allows us to.

Reducing stress by setting boundaries and considering letting go of the idea that you all have to live together may be one way to help yourself feel better.   

I have had a very hard time with both of these!  However, I am accepting the fact that my BPD 17 yo will accept boundaries better from someone else, and we are making plans for her to move out when she is 18 with supports from the county.  I have resisted this for years, but am finally at peace knowing that living like this will soon come to an end.

Wishing you healing and wholeness.  It used to hurt so bad when my dd devalued me - I want you to know you are not alone.  Just yesterday she called me a foul name because I held a boundary.  It is getting to where it doesn't even affect me sometimes!  Sad, huh?   

[pessim-optimist]

However, I am accepting the fact that my BPD 17 yo will accept boundaries better from someone else, and we are making plans for her to move out when she is 18 with supports from the county.

Would you mind telling us more about what help from the county you have enlisted? Even though the laws and resources are different in different states, it might help with some ideas.

Just yesterday she called me a foul name because I held a boundary.  It is getting to where it doesn't even affect me sometimes!  Sad, huh?

Sad? Yes and no: you know what her illness is, and are now able to detach emotionally just like a clinician would. That's a good thing, actually. The sad part is that she is still your child, and it would be wonderful, if you could have a relationship with her without these incidents happening (but that is not reality, and it's the sad part that we all grieve here on the boards and learn to live with). 

tristesse: As far as BOUNDARIES, you have received some good advice here. The point of caution is that many of us start trying to set some boundaries, and when that is met with push-back and acting out, we might conclude that it's not worth it. The opposite is true, but it takes time to learn to uphold our boundaries successfully, and that's ok. The process may be messy at times, but it's definitely worth it.

The way I went about it was to learn as much as I could, so I would understand how it's done. Then I would weigh and plan ahead of actually setting a boundary, preparing for dealing with the push-back, and then I did it. I'm still clumsy sometimes, the main point is - with practice, it gets easier, and I am getting more confident doing it.

Because our actions, not our words, are what ultimately upholds our boundary or not, this short "5C's" summary helped me tremendously (it's in the workshop below, and also in one of R. Kreger's books):

Long before you say one word, you plan. This plan will act as your road map and safety net. Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of the plan:

•   Clarify.

•   Calculate costs.

•   Come up with consequences.

•   Create a consensus.

•   Consider possible outcomes.

If/when you feel up to it, here is a good workshop on that:BOUNDARIES - Living our values and also, this book is the best I have read on the topic so far:Boundaries.

Hope it's not too much information at once (if it is, take it slow, this takes time, and you DO need to relax... . )

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

I just want to report that things have calmed down for now. I was able to sleep, and dh and I went for a nice boat ride yesterday, a few hours on the river with the wind gently blowing, having nothing to worry about at the moment but navigating the water, was so peaceful and relaxing.dd and ds had a long talk, bless my ds, he was such a good listener, he was able to validate and even used SET, I applaud him, his beg heart and all of his efforts. dd seemed more relaxed after the conversation, and was even able to laugh a little yesterday evening. the baby is due in just 4 days, so although ds and gf moving even temporarily to solve some of the problems is really a very large burden being placed on  them. I appreciate the suggestions, and all of the advice, I find it very helpful and appreciate the people I have " met " here.

I feel like I am back to old tough self today, and ready to face this illness head on once again.

[mama72]

Glad you are feeling better, tristesse. Nature can really be calming and rejuvenating. 

One day at a time, friend.

[tristesse]

thank you mama72

[MammaMia]

Tristess

I want to get the facts straight.

DS and gf are having a baby soon.  They have been living with you and have plans to buy your home and live there.  You will relocate. In the middle of this your BPDd moved back in.

Correct?

When is the sale of the home to be finalized, and when you relocate, will BPDd move with you?

It is obvious that your dd is very angry at being displaced by her brother and gf ... . especially if this the home they both grew up in.  She sees you as a co-conspirator by allowing him to purchase the house and basically throw her out. Remember, her anger is from a BPD perspective and it is all about HER needs... . not yours... . not your son's.  HERS.  She sees this as favoritism towards your son and his gf at HER expense.

PwBPD are ALWAYS victims.  She is not considering the fact that it is YOUR home and perhaps YOU feel the need to sell it for financial reasons.  She is unable to buy the house and does not understand why her home is being taken away to benefit her brother and his gf. It is basically a war between siblings.

It sounds as if you had plans to sell your home before dd returned. Was your ds always the intended buyer, and is he financially able to purchase the house and maintain it?  If so, there needs to be a deadline as to when the transaction takes place.  You cannot continue to live this way indefinitely.

If your ds is unable to complete the sale, you may want to look for another buyer.  Your dd may also view any stalling tactics by him as taking advantage of you and HER and her bad behavior will probably increase with her goal being to drive ds and gf out.

How does dh feel about all of this?  

[theplotthickens]

I am glad to hear you are feeling ready to fight the good fight again!  Sleep well!  I like to go out for mini-nature breaks when I am stressed - even a walk at the local park does me so much good! 

[tristesse]

Mamamia, you are correct, ds and gf were moved in and living in my home with the plans to purchase prior dd needing to come back. Ds

And gf had been in an apartment, the building was sold and new owner is not keeping the building as apartments. Dh and I are planning a move with his employment, we are selling the house at that time, Ds wants to buy the house, we agreed. We are all living together quite well when dd has abusive bf who beat her up, I drive 100 miles to retrieve her and gs, they are now in the home. Dd does not seem upset over the house as much as the baby that is due in a few short days. The house will not transfer to Ds for about 6 - 7 months yet, not because of him, because we won't be transferring until then. I do understand that BPD is an all controlling all consuming illness, and that my dBPDd makes everything about her, it just gets overwhelming at times.  I will say when dd and ds had their talk, I was very impressed at how well he did, he was very good at validation and SET, he has come a very long way. He was able to deal with his sister calmly, affording  Me a break.

In answer to question about where will dd go when I move, she will come with me. She is aware that we are bringing her along and not tossing her to the curb to figure it out. The move will likely be stressful for all of us, but hopefully we ate all better communicators by then.

[peaceplease]

I know that my uBPDd can spew out some wicked stuff.  :)oes it help to think about it not being about you, and more about her inability to handle her emotions?  I can normally detach from my dd's words, but every now and then - wow!  After giving it thought, I realize that it is her problem, her emotions.  It is not about me!  When she is hurt, she wants me to hurt, too!  

My dd is so sweet when she gets what she wants.  She wants you to forget all the words that came out of her mouth when she was angry.  She was even nice to my dh, the other day.  But, get in the way of her not getting what she wants, you better hit the dirt because she is flinging out some wickedness.

You are in a position that I would not want to ever be in again, and that is being under the same roof as my dd.  Would your dd qualify for any type of subsidized housing?  Or, can she find a roommate and not live with you?  My former therapist coached me on making a timeline to getting my dd out of the house.  She could not respect my rules, and always raging in my house.  I know that situation is different.  You brought your dd to live with you, but that is not working out.  And, it is more complicated for you, as your ds is buying your house.  

I am glad that you were able to get out and enjoy time away with your dh.  And, happy to hear how well your ds is doing with communicating with your dd.

I can't recall if you were seeing a therapist for yourself.  I just made an appointment to get back into therapy for myself.  

I am glad that you are feeling better.  

[MammaMia]

Tristesse

I am sorry to hear you will be in this situation for another 6-7 months, but it is good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hopefully, the arrival of the new baby will bring everyone together.  Take care. 

[tristesse]

Thank you everyone.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Tristesse,

I'm glad you got away with your DH to relax for a while.  You are such a strong, giving woman!  You deserve a break!  I guess it's true that we're all given what we can handle and that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.  So cliché, but still true.  I couldn't deal with everything you're going through.

Your situation keeps popping into my mind.  I wonder if there is some way to reassure your BPDD before the new baby comes so she KNOWS you still love her and your GS.  My own DD rejects me when I attempt to give praise or reassurance when I know she's worried about something, so I don't know if it will work with your DD.  Or, what about giving her some kind of symbol, (like a ring or bracelet she can wear and look at)?  The purpose would be to let her know you recognize the attention on the upcoming baby and your DS and his GF might make her feel insecure, so you're giving her this symbol as a reminder of your love and commitment to her as her mom and that she is still special to you.  When I'm angry with my DD, giving her a present is the LAST thing I want to do, but sitting outside your situation, I can't help wonder if it might smooth the waters, even a little.

I hope you're able to continue being strong and holding it together!  I wish you could send pictures of your new GC.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Healingspirit

What a great idea!  A visible symbol of Mom's forever love for dd... .regardless of what the future brings.

[Stressed2themax]

I am wondering if they have a respite program that is local to you. I am in Ct, and we have one for children. I know your DD is older, but it may help. It is a 2 week program where you can enroll, and it is free of charge. There is usually a wait list of a couple of weeks. It is run by a mental health hospital. You could check out the local hospitals & ask for a respite program or call 211. They also have crisis counselors that you can talk to. It may help. Respite provides breathing room for the whole family. Time to regroup & move forward.

I am so sorry you are going through the emotional roller coaster that we ride when you love someone with BPD. You are not alone. Just breathe! You have made it this far, you are stronger than you will ever know. Parenting these kids takes a special kind of person.