Maintaining relationships with siblings still living with uBPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am 26 with an uBPD mother who (since I became engaged) has become increasingly intolerable to the point where I have gone LC in the past 7 months. Every decision I initially made about my wedding was seen as an affront to her needs and wants. When I first became engaged, I was still in the "honeymoon" phase of the engagement and my mom happened to ask me when I wanted to get married. This was last August and my fiance and I had decided on around a 1 1/2 year engagement so I told her "Oh probably February of next year."

I had not realized at that point that February is a busy month for my two teenage siblings so when my mom reminded me of the fact I thanked her for reminding me and went along with my "honeymoon" phase. Well, less than a week from being engaged and my mom started sending me endless emails and texts about how selfish I was being by planning a wedding for a month that "I knew would be difficult for her" and how all my hometown neighbors couldn't believe I would even think of planning a wedding for February. Before I was even ready to talk to her again she had already threatened not to come to my wedding if I planned it in February and told me that my fiance or someone in my fiance's family MUST be pulling the strings and have me brainwashed if I was actually planning a wedding in February.

Long story short, it's gotten worse since then and I have stopped communicating with my mom except to send her my available dates for counseling appointments if she chooses to attend with  me.

My REAL question is: I had ALWAYS wanted my little brother and sister to not only come to my wedding but be IN my wedding, and now that I am faced with the possibility of still not communicating with my mom by the time my wedding comes around, I am trying to deal with the fact that what comes with my LC with my mom is LC with my siblings who live with her.

Does anyone here have siblings who still live with their uBPD mother? If so, how do you deal with that? How do you maintain a relationship with your siblings without having to sacrifice the boundaries you've set up with your parent? Any advice would be SO MUCH appreciated.

Thank you in advance!

[mlepoof]

I am 26 with an uBPD mother who (since I became engaged) has become increasingly intolerable to the point where I have gone LC in the past 7 months. Every decision I initially made about my wedding was seen as an affront to her needs and wants. When I first became engaged, I was still in the "honeymoon" phase of the engagement and my mom happened to ask me when I wanted to get married. This was last August and my fiance and I had decided on around a 1 1/2 year engagement so I told her "Oh probably February of next year."

I had not realized at that point that February is a busy month for my two teenage siblings so when my mom reminded me of the fact I thanked her for reminding me and went along with my "honeymoon" phase. Well, less than a week from being engaged and my mom started sending me endless emails and texts about how selfish I was being by planning a wedding for a month that "I knew would be difficult for her" and how all my hometown neighbors couldn't believe I would even think of planning a wedding for February. Before I was even ready to talk to her again she had already threatened not to come to my wedding if I planned it in February and told me that my fiance or someone in my fiance's family MUST be pulling the strings and have me brainwashed if I was actually planning a wedding in February.

Long story short, it's gotten worse since then and I have stopped communicating with my mom except to send her my available dates for counseling appointments if she chooses to attend with  me.

My REAL question is: I had ALWAYS wanted my little brother and sister to not only come to my wedding but be IN my wedding, and now that I am faced with the possibility of still not communicating with my mom by the time my wedding comes around, I am trying to deal with the fact that what comes with my LC with my mom is LC with my siblings who live with her.

Does anyone here have siblings who still live with their uBPD mother? If so, how do you deal with that? How do you maintain a relationship with your siblings without having to sacrifice the boundaries you've set up with your parent? Any advice would be SO MUCH appreciated.

Thank you in advance!

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello   

Every last detail of my wedding was disastrous from the call when I told my parents to just walking down the aisle, right up to the last minute... . everything.

Because I kept trying to include her and she kept sabotaging it.

To answer your questions about your little siblings - I don't know their ages. But this might be the greatest test yet of how you are going to live your adult life and married life away from her control. That is actually what she is totally going off about in my opinion - the actual fact that you are no longer under her spell. And her control.  My suggestion to you would be you might have to let the sibling situation be on hold even beyond your wedding as what this is really about is your marriage. How much will you let her in later? If you are committing yourself to your partner, now's a good time to start seeing just how drastic this change is going to be for you - and for your pd'd mother. She will undermine it all if you give her one inch of headspace.

In fact what she's done is give you the greatest "out" imaginable - since you chose February, and you're sticking to it (I hope it's your right to do so), then you can say, " And since we all know February is just crazy with kids' schedules... . you wont' need to worry about any wedding details, mom, I've got it all taken care of... . " and then keep it that way. Since you have emails that prove her rage about your date, she can't really say now that she wants to be involved.

Keep your date. Get married, enjoy your day, do not let this woman overshadow your life. I will tell you this and wish you well at the same time - I didn't know what was in store as I tried to have an autonomous life with husband and kids - for *decades* she ruined any joy I found - rahter let me put it this way, I LET HER RUIN my joy.

It was under attack every day in every way. And I had no clue, there was no computer or message board to run to back then... . so you are way ahead in the game. Make your life about your choices, your dreams, your hopes and do not let one single person ever steal any of it away. I'm so sorry it seems like she's holding the kids hostage and won't let them be a part of your day without punishing you for it... . but take that as a gift. You are off the hook, you have been given a wonderful chance to say, "Not a problem, I'll take it from here," and then do just that.

 You can do it. Happy wedding when it arrives!

[mlepoof]

THANK YOU for taking the time to post such a thoughtful, meaningful response. I actually cried while I read it. I am so sorry that your wedding was disastrous and the tools that are here today were not available for you when you were going through this moment in your life.

I honestly don't know what I would've done, but I imagine it would be extremely similar to what you went through. I would've continued to (fruitlessly) try to navigate my relationship with my mother, shield my other relationships from her wrath, and sacrifice all of my happiness and sanity just to try to maintain that impossible balance. I am so sorry for what you went through but I am so happy that you are here now, posting on this website and letting others hear your story!

Every time I think about having my mom at my wedding, I get anxiety and visions of all the drama she will create. Every time I think about not inviting her, I get the stinging guilt of not having my 14 yr old siblings at my wedding but also the calm joyous feeling of having a mom-drama-free celebration.

You're right, I think this is going to be a big test on how I'm going to allow my mom to affect my adult life and, most importantly, the family I am creating by marrying my fiance. I need to keep reminding myself that it is not MY fault that (at least for now) I can't be a part of my siblings' lives and that it is something she keeps trying to use to control me.

My mom tells me at least a few times a week that my little brother and sister don't want me/like me/love me/want me in their lives anymore and how they hate me for "what I'm doing to her". I know part of it is untrue but I also know that part of is must be affecting them. I remember disliking my grandpa and not wanting to talk to him when I was little because of all the hateful things she used to say about him. BUT I also know that now that I am older and have a more realistic picture of reality, I have mended my relationship with my grandpa and we actually get along really well right now. So, I guess long story short, even if I can't have the relationship I want to have with them right now, I have to hold on to the belief that when they are older and not living with my uBPD mother, they will have the same realization and we can then mend our relationships.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How were you able to navigate your relationship with a sibling who still lives with an uBPD mother?

[finchfeather]

Hi mlepoof! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. What lucyhoneychurch posted here also describes what happened with my mom and my wedding:

Every last detail of my wedding was disastrous from the call when I told my parents to just walking down the aisle, right up to the last minute... . everything.

Because I kept trying to include her and she kept sabotaging it.

I did a lot of strange things to appease my toxic family members during my wedding planning. It always, always backfired on me. That whole time in my life was a complete nightmare. And I inadvertently sent my FOO the message that they were more important to me than the new family I was creating with my spouse, which was ultimately really harmful to both me and my spouse.

I would strongly encourage you to stick to your boundaries and leave your mom out of the planning. I'm sorry that this may mean not including your siblings in the way that you have wanted, but I'm not sure how you can work around the fact that they would need your mom's permission and assistance in order to attend.  What do you think about coming up with a creative way for them to participate without being actually at the wedding? Maybe they would be interested in sending you a video message that you could play at some point during the reception, or maybe they could make something special for you to carry, or wear, or put on your table? Or maybe there is some creative idea that they may come up with instead of these things that would be meaningful to all of you but maybe not involve your mom as much as having them in the wedding or attending the wedding.

To answer your broader question, I do have an adult sibling that lives at home with my folks. It's a bit different from your situation, because he is an adult, but he is still highly dependent on my family and relatively enmeshed, although a bit differently than I am. The best way for me to stay in touch with him is to text him and call him directly on his cell. I try not to discuss my parents with him, and I keep our conversations focused on our relationship between the two of us. I do try to keep in mind that he may tell my mom anything that I say to him (they tend to overshare with each other) so I don't say anything to him that I wouldn't mind having repeated, but other than that, we have a good and reasonably healthy relationship with good boundaries.

I wish you lots of luck as you enter this new phase of your life! Planning a wedding can be very stressful even without a uBPD mom in the mix, so please be gentle with yourself as you're working things out. And please keep us posted. You're not alone in dealing with this.