I recently broke up with someone I dated, so this is maybe not really analogous, but I just told her, "I like you a lot, and I've enjoyed our chats. But I don't want to waste your time or mine, so I have to be honest and tell you that my gut tells me that you aren't the one for me." I've had one girl press me and ask, ":)id I do something wrong?" I replied, "No. It isn't like that. I've been through a lot and realize that I must follow my gut otherwise I will live with regrets and hurt people." She was hurt but took it well. Make the break up about you and what you feel and perceive, not about them, their flaws, or any other kind of accusation about them. "I feel that... . " "My gut just tells me that I need to do something else with my life... . " "I'm not happy with how things are, so I need to do something different... . " Stuff like that.
But often the problem is not in finding the wording or the "right way" to bring it up. I think the struggle for you and many of us is in feeling like you don't have the right to make decisions about your own life and your own wants and your own values. I think you don't believe you really deserve to have that right - a right which you know everyone else has. So, you don't enforce any boundaries and suddenly you find them walking through your front door on their own terms, whenever they want (both figuratively and literally). We often just lack the resolve to close the door and actually mean it. If we are honest with ourselves, even though they make our lives hell, we almost kinda like the drama and the strange and odd attention they give us. We know it is terrible for us, but we keep drinkin' the koolaid... . until the day we really decide that is not what we want for our lives any longer.
You don't need to feel stupid. Just think about what you really want for your life. Picture the past 10 years, for example, and imagine the next 10 being just like that. Is that what you want? If no, then make decisions about what you do and do not want in your life going forward, and then stick to it. It's a new path in a new direction, a resolve for a new life -not just a decision you make out of momentary anger or frustration.
And as you probably know, the "stalemate" is how BPD's often roll. They don't really want closure (at least... . not for us), and they take advantage of our lack of boundaries. In fact, they often hate boundaries, and we are too accustomed to not having any as a way to manage their temper tantrums. Even my ex wife would love nothing more than to know we are somehow "best friends" and that she can call me up in the middle of the night and cry about her family or the latest drama.
But I don't allow it. I don't want that. I want a new life, so I avoid all personal interaction. If she corners me (because we have kids together, its bound to happen), I glaze over and nod and smile. And then I change the subject or leave. So, do you want the same thing to continue to happen? Then you need to resolve to do something different about your life. It is yours, after all, right?
To really recognize that and stand on your own two feet may be scary at first, but it is healthy and it is most certainly NOT wrong. To take ownership of your own life is actually very liberating... . to finally say "NO, I SEE WHAT THIS IS AND DONT WANT THAT!"
