When Your DBPD Wife (Soon to be your ex-DBPD wife) wants to destroy you-why?

[ForeverDad]

"I am what I am!"

So he's trying to say he is what he is and he's not going to change?  Is he quoting an old Bible version as the movie Ten Commandments did?  That was an old translation of the Hebrew.  It translates better as "I will become what I choose to become" referring to God's ability to choose to be protector, savior, confidant, comforter, judge, executioner or whatever the situation required.  What more proactive name for God could there be?

[livednlearned]

Did all of you ever sense that your spouse wanted to try and make it better?

Anytime our relationship got better, it was usually a manipulation on both of our parts. Me pretending that I had forgiven and forgotten, or that nothing serious had even happened. He in turn would extract an apology or admission of guilt from me, and I would feel uneasy because each interaction became more and more distorted from truth and facts and reality. The more distorted the reality, the weaker my apologies would sound, and the more injured he would become, the more rage he would feel, and around we would go.

If there was any part of him that wanted to try and make it better, he was far too sick, fortified, and frightened to admit it to himself or me.

[Boss302]

Yes this divorce is painful... . for me... . more than I ever realized, the financial nuclear blast will be major for me, but what I cannot understand is why she has this need, this need she has for this scorched earth goal for me to never make it?

NewsWays

Well, first off, $3500 (or $7000) is NOT going to destroy you. It's going to take a lot more than that. And if that's the extent of the financial damage she causes you, then count your blessings. 

Second, do BPDs really INTEND to destroy people? Good question. And it's not asked to let them off the hook - when they do this they deserve every bit of blame they get. But their emotions are so chaotic, and their actions so enslaved to these emotions that I wonder if they actually "know" what they're doing. I suspect my BPDx just does whatever comes to her head first. They create chaos and destruction because that's their reality. They LIVE in chaos and destruction, and it's almost as if all this chaos and destruction whirling around them just ends up thrown onto people nearest to them. It's like trying to ask a tornado why it destroys everything in its path. It just does. Whether they like it, dislike it or can help it isn't really the point - they just do it.

I think the key to protecting yourself is to just understand that, to stop trying to make sense of it, and just let it happen... . and be as far away as you can. Detach. And understand the disorder you're dealing with. If we can do that, then we can design our lives to be as far removed from theirs as possible. I think that's the key.

I don't think these people are like sociopaths, who know they're hurting people and do it anyway... . and may even like it. I think that takes a level of emotional control that BPDs don't possess.

[letmeout]

Second, do BPDs really INTEND to destroy people? Good question.

I don't think these people are like sociopaths, who know they're hurting people and do it anyway... . and may even like it. I think that takes a level of emotional control that BPDs don't possess.

Interesting analogy. Two yrs after my divorce I hear my BPDex still brags to everyone about how he ripped me off in the divorce, and is still on a smear campaign to boot!  All this with No Contact.

Since he was always a very competitive person it was always about winning. Its not only twisted thinking, but it would take a lot of premeditated planning to do some of the things he did.

Plus he enjoyed hurting others, as he did it all the time, and he planned most of his emotional hits even on his friends and family. I admit some were due to temper tantrums, but at any rate it made him a great candidate for a sociopath.  No two BPD people are the exact same though. That was just my experience.

[kfifd196]

WOW... . I thought I was the only one ... . I just posted a similar post this morning.  I couldn't understand WHY my wife, who professed her love for me a day before she raged and bit me, would now be doing everything she can to destroy me.  I am the father of our daughter and my wife's father died when she was 7, of an OD... .  After a lot of thinking, I believe I was THE male, that was supposed to "replace" her father and "make things right" in her life, since she never had that and wanted a father for her daughter.  However, I think the illness took over and as soon as I triggered her, she unleashed years of pain and anger, that she had for her father abandoning her, on ME.  She is now recreating HER child hood, in a sense, as much as she didn't want to.  The way I see it, she was never able to confront her father about the pain and anger, because he's dead and she's held it in for years and taken it out on every guy she dated, but I'm the one she married and had a baby with, the closest male in her life and when she 'felt invalidated', she snapped and raged.  It's not the first time she's done this, but this time she left for good and filed divorce.  Now, she's filed a TRO, which got dropped, but is now making things up and trying to reinstate it.  I have to talk to my lawyer on Tuesday, to see about filing a defamation suit (as much as I don't want to, as I know it's her illness making her do these things), but what other choice do I have?  She's out to destroy my reputation, life, finances, etc.  She has become an evil witch and is NOT the woman I dated or married.  I was thinking today, that 2 days before she raged, we were at the gym together, on the treadmills next to each other and she looked over, grabbed my hand and blew a kiss, then said, "I really love you and am so glad I met you.  I really am blessed and grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you for being patient with me and my issues".  2 days later, she attacked me and made false accusations, that I restrained her and abandoned our crying daughter, as she ran out of the house in her rage!  It is so damned confusiing.  On one level I love her more than anything, but on the other, this evil woman wants me dead... . It's scary... .

Our relationship lasted 2 years.  They were THE BEST two years of ANY relationship I've ever had... . absolutely amazing... . she was my soulmate... . but they were also the WORST 2 years of hell, when she raged... . I wish she would snap back and turn me white again... .

[letmeout]

I think when they know they have gone too far, they just can't allow themselves to snap back anymore.  The older mine got, the less he was able to snap back to being good again, then it was constant bad behavior.

[Nope]

I think when they know they have gone too far, they just can't allow themselves to snap back anymore.  The older mine got, the less he was able to snap back to being good again, then it was constant bad behavior.

From what I've seen, this. I was sitting there with my fiance while he was having a conversation with his BPD ex on speakerphone. The conversation started off being about buying school supplies for the kids but then the BPD started taking this nostalgic trip down memory lane talking about how she could remember the good times even if he couldn't.  He brought up how he had stood by her after she did something horrible to him and they even went on a family vacation afterwards to get their marriage back on track afterwards. Then he caught her cheating two weeks later. He asked her how she could do that and then immediately demand a divorce and <paint him black>. The BPD ex, in this calm moment, told him she did it all because she knew the horrible thing she'd done was unforgivable And that the marriage could never really recover.

It took seven years from the horrible act, six years from the divorce, almost two years of not letting him speak to or see their young children while she stalled on getting a parenting plan in front of the court, then three years of only allowing bare minimum contact (only one phone call a week) with the kids, and essentially doing everything she could to hurt him as badly as possible for them to get to that conversation.

If she can't forgive herself, can't successfully convince herself you deserved it, and can't deny it ever happened then she can't snap back. Since BPD is a disorder inflicting people with very poor coping skills it's probably only a matter of time before this happens in any relationship where the BPD person gets no treatment.

[Boss302]

Second, do BPDs really INTEND to destroy people? Good question.

I don't think these people are like sociopaths, who know they're hurting people and do it anyway... . and may even like it. I think that takes a level of emotional control that BPDs don't possess.

Interesting analogy. Two yrs after my divorce I hear my BPDex still brags to everyone about how he ripped me off in the divorce, and is still on a smear campaign to boot!  All this with No Contact.

Since he was always a very competitive person it was always about winning. Its not only twisted thinking, but it would take a lot of premeditated planning to do some of the things he did.

Plus he enjoyed hurting others, as he did it all the time, and he planned most of his emotional hits even on his friends and family. I admit some were due to temper tantrums, but at any rate it made him a great candidate for a sociopath.  No two BPD people are the exact same though. That was just my experience.

A lot of that may be braggadocio with his friends. "Yeah, she thought she'd take me, but I took her!"

Or maybe he's got some sociopathic tendencies.

[NewWays]

The destructive ways just seem to continue.

I ask all of you to send out your positive thoughts and wishes.

This week is last pre-trial chance for dBPDw to agree to the MSA that has been revised, changed and re-done to keep it moving forward so we end this marriage and stop bleeding the legal fees since she filed over almost a year and six months ago.

You would think that she would see that benefit.  ForeverDad, Lived n Learned and many have outlined that BPD mates are known to many times sign on the courthouse steps.

The crazy things that she feels are her right are hard to understand... . including the $3,500 charge on my credit card that was for surgery for her cat... . everyone thinks is is a marital debt she says she now believes is wrong... . and her world of law is that my credit card amounts are mine... . no matter what!

I know all of you out there are saying... . WHAT?  That is clearly marital debt 50/50... . but please help me understand what causes this action... . when we are a week away from what looks like a MSA... . and now she threatens to go to trial that will cost each of us even more?

I thought it was almost over... . but I was wrong and need to expect the same crazy behavior from the past.

All of you please say a prayer for me that may help this move forward and not go to trial.

The anomalous action and behavior is getting even more off the wall.

Thoughts and wisdom welcome.


New Ways

[livednlearned]

Sometimes I wonder what's worse: feeling like I'm the only one who has experienced this, or knowing there are others going through the same thing.

Emotional dysregulation doesn't make sense.

Let's hope she settles at the final hour. It might be tempting for you to settle... . have you thought through what your bottom line is, or under what conditions you will or won't settle? Many BPD sufferers don't comply with the terms of their settlement, so sometimes people like us give in to terms just to make everything go away, only to discover the agreement has to be enforced in court. I gave my ex the house, and then had to file two motions for contempt to get him to refinance. If I hung onto the house, at least I would have had some equity to help pay for the fiasco. I thought giving him the house would pacify him.

My ex and I settled 98% in mediation. Since then, I've had to hire a real estate attorney twice, a family attorney, and an appellate attorney. A person who suffers from emotional dysregulation follows an entirely different playbook.

[NewWays]

Lived N Learned... .

If I recall... . your ex is an attorney?  Getting to 98% via mediation is really good from what I read.  The average track record for that process when one spouse has BPD traits and behaviors is not very good, and my wife said she would never consider mediation as an option.

As we move forward and the divorce is final, I have realized it will not be over when I think it is over as you have pointed out.  I know that the post divorce stuff with the QUADROS, etc., stand a good chance that she will not immediately comply with those since she truly believes that she should be able to leave this marriage with everything and that I get nothing no matter what is finally affirmed by the court.

As I have said before, I do not know how you and others keep traveling down your path with children from the marriage and how most often the BPD spouse continues their disordered ways with the children after the divorce with damaging results.

I do not know how you do it!

NewWays

[livednlearned]

Lived N Learned... .

If I recall... . your ex is an attorney?  Getting to 98% via mediation is really good from what I read.  The average track record for that process when one spouse has BPD traits and behaviors is not very good, and my wife said she would never consider mediation as an option.

As we move forward and the divorce is final, I have realized it will not be over when I think it is over as you have pointed out.  I know that the post divorce stuff with the QUADROS, etc., stand a good chance that she will not immediately comply with those since she truly believes that she should be able to leave this marriage with everything and that I get nothing no matter what is finally affirmed by the court.

Yes, my ex is an attorney. Also, he has very strong narcissistic traits. I think he was in performance mode during mediation, wanting his attorney to see what a reasonable, level-headed guy he was. All of the obstructing and stalling happened after we settled.

Make sure the language in your documents is watertight. As much as possible, make sure everything has a consequence that penalizes the person who fails to comply. It will have to be worded as "both parties" but you know that you'll comply and she won't. It won't necessarily keep you out of court (at least that's been my experience), but it will be more likely that the judge will say, "Ms. New Ways, it says if you don't comply, you have to pay his legal fees. So that's what I'm going to rule."

Otherwise, it's up to the judge's discretion, and sometimes judges just give people more chances.

Drives everyone here nuts.

[Boss302]

Lived N Learned... .

If I recall... . your ex is an attorney?  Getting to 98% via mediation is really good from what I read.  The average track record for that process when one spouse has BPD traits and behaviors is not very good, and my wife said she would never consider mediation as an option.

As we move forward and the divorce is final, I have realized it will not be over when I think it is over as you have pointed out.  I know that the post divorce stuff with the QUADROS, etc., stand a good chance that she will not immediately comply with those since she truly believes that she should be able to leave this marriage with everything and that I get nothing no matter what is finally affirmed by the court.

Yes, my ex is an attorney. Also, he has very strong narcissistic traits. I think he was in performance mode during mediation, wanting his attorney to see what a reasonable, level-headed guy he was. All of the obstructing and stalling happened after we settled.

Make sure the language in your documents is watertight. As much as possible, make sure everything has a consequence that penalizes the person who fails to comply. It will have to be worded as "both parties" but you know that you'll comply and she won't. It won't necessarily keep you out of court (at least that's been my experience), but it will be more likely that the judge will say, "Ms. New Ways, it says if you don't comply, you have to pay his legal fees. So that's what I'm going to rule."

Otherwise, it's up to the judge's discretion, and sometimes judges just give people more chances.

Drives everyone here nuts.

Yep... . it does.

My uBPDx likes to play games with the annual disclosures she is supposed to be sending me no later than May 1. She didn't do so last year, and I ended up documenting about four months' worth of emails between me and her, with her promising me she'd get me the returns immediately (and didn't). In the meantime, she'd spent literally tens of thousands of dollars sending our two kids to a summer camp and a three-week European trip, all on the $1200 a month she gets from me (not even remotely realistic - she was obviously hiding income). I waited for about four months to take her back to court over this, just to show them what a reasonable guy I am. So in December, we end up in court, and by that time she had given me tax returns that were obviously bogus (no income besides what I paid her in alimony, which wasn't possible given her spending habits), and even had our daughter's social security number completely wrong, and we're not talking about a typo - the whole thing was completely off.

Did the judge care? Nope. She gave me her return, and that was all he needed to know. He didn't care that it was obviously bogus. I asked him to require her to produce a transcript to prove she had actually filed it, and he denied the request. He just didn't care.

He admonished her to not do this again... . but she did the same thing this year. The obvious takeaway for her was: I can do whatever I want and the court's buying my BS.

Oh well. At least I only have to pay her another three years.

[NewWays]

Boss... .

Only three more years... . I am sorry for that.

We all learn here that many with this disorder during the divorce and after do not do what they say.  And looking back durng the marriage this behavior was present yet I made the mistake of not looking in the mirror which contributed to my denial and really facing the facts!

I am looking forward to the upcoming days where I will not have to experience the deception she engages in so I can get the residue of this behavior out of my soul and move on with my life.

NewWays

[kfifd196]

So, I had my 2nd mediation today, with my uBPD wife.  She was filled with evil and hate.  I sat across from her, wanting nothing more than to hug or kiss her and tell her I wouldn't abandon her and love her unconditionally.  But, there is NO getting through to her.  She has painted me black and I fear for our 1 y/o daughter.  She cries when I give her back to her mother, after her 2 day stay with me and literally tries climbing over her mother's shoulder to get back to me, eyes filled with tears.  It is so painful to have to drive away and leave her crying and I feel I am abandoning our daughter, but it's at my wife's doing.  She is recreating HER OWN childhood and in my belief, she has painted me to be HER OWN Father, who abandoned her and verbally abused her.  It is sad, because my mother-in-law and my wife's step-father KNOW SHE HAS THESE ISSUES and have told ME about them in the past.  They go back many years before me, a path of destroyed romantic relationships... . some of her ex boyfriends have reached out to me about her rages, vindictiveness, etc.  She is contradictory in what she tells people (claims to live a life of Zen Living, when she is totally opposite!)  At mediation, I couldn't take her lies, accusations and inuendos any more and cut the session short.  Is this really the woman who adored me and treated me like gold a few months ago?  On Jan 26 she was professing her love for me and planning our summer family vacation, excitedly.  Two days later, she raged, bit me and that was it... . she abandoned OUR relationship and I was painted black.  She made a comment today, that sounded like she had met someone already and it hurt.  I know she's only going to repeat this again, but it hurts like hell... .

[ForeverDad]

I've often posted about my own situation.  My ex had always told me that her abusive stepfather moved in when she was 3 years old.  The boys were sent to their father and the girls lived in private terror.  We had been married for over 10 years when I thought having a child might may her happier, to see a child discovering life.  Not to be.  Though children are wonderful blessings, having children makes a dysfunctional relationship more complicated since it may may make higher conflict and a marital implosion more likely.  She became paranoid, fitting every trait of PPD, suspecting everyone around her as "probably" abusers.  Once everyone else was driven away, I was the only one left and became her next focus.  That's when I knew it was out of control and I had to protect myself, I worried I'd be wearing an orange jump suit for a decade or so if she were to be believed.  And yes he was 3 years old when we had to separate.

For the first few years, until my son was 6 or 7, he would come running to me at exchanges but he'd be crying and fighting to stay with me upon return.  I concluded he was too young to hide his feelings, he'd always been a daddy's boy.  Clearly he knew where he felt best, even if he didn't know to verbalize it better.  Eventually he came to accept the exchanges.  You know, that was a bit of a sad time for me, like he got worn down and used to the way things were.

[letmeout]

My BPDex seemed often paranoid schizophrenic. I often wonder if it is a part of BPD, or maybe two disorders under the same hair. I hope your ex is focusing on another adult, and not on your son with her problems. Its hard on a child to deal with a parent who is off balance mentally.