Realistically, what is the long term prognosis of our r/s?

[maxsterling]

Some days I feel like the end is inevitable, so why bother trying any more. From the stories I read even here on the staying board, it sounds like making a relationship better is doable, but still far from "healthy".  What are the real long term odds for a healthy r/s with a BPD partner?  I'm talking if we use the tools, pwBPD get therapy, we quit making things worse, etc. 

I guess I am just feeling that way today.  She got offered a job yesterday for more money than she expected.  She went two days without making self harming or suicidal statements.  Things seemed positive.  Yet by this morning, she was already telling me she feels nervous about the job, how she still feels really depressed.  Now I am feeling a case of the "nevers".  She is at least back in group therapy two days a week. And she didn't skip her therapy last night even though she had a good excuse to do so.  Do I eventually get to a point where I feel this is a losing battle?  Or will there be a moment where I feel like a better future is within view?  I read the first "success story" and it made me realize how long and how much work needs to be done. 

Just feeling pessimistic today.

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[raz337]

I understand your pessimism today. I've had bad days, too, when I thought it wouldn't get any better and my r/s was circling the drain. Then I've had good days, when I felt things were going to be alright. The important thing I've held onto is not to base the future on "the now." We have to take each day at a time, because who knows what'll come tomorrow.

I hope you get a better day soon.

[Samuel S.]

That is always going to be a good question, and it is going to always be a challenge to answer it due to their particular circumstances and based on how you react.

I do want to comment on something about your BPD. You stated that she was very excited and now is very stressed. Is there a chance that it might be hard for her to accept excitement and the possibility of making more money? Indeed, it is very exciting to be in that situation; yet, there are people who cannot accept success, because they feel they cannot possibly earn it. The only reason why I bring this up is there are people who attend a college or a university and get close to earning their degree, but they suddenly do not continue, because they are close to successfully completing their program. I am just wondering if your BPD believes she doesn't deserve to be excited and to earn more money, now that the initial excitement has subsided. What do you think?

If this would be the case with your BPD, perhaps, listening to her, validating her feelings, asking what the advantages and the disadvantages are, and just letting her ponder realistically what she is experiencing can help her decide about her emotions about this new job. If you would decide to do this, it might be a good idea to plug in the thought that she is being recognized for her abilities. Otherwise, she would not be considered.

No matter what you decide to do, good luck! Indeed, you are a counselor to us and to your own BPD!

[formflier]

  She is at least back in group therapy two days a week. And she didn't skip her therapy last night even though she had a good excuse to do so. 

Focus on what "her feet" are telling you.  She is going to group... . she is going to therapy. 

Are these two different things?... . I'm reading group therapy and individual therapy.

Then... . look around on this board and see how many people are "hoping' they get their partner to that point.

What I'm trying to do is get you to focus on the facts... . and let those give you hope.  You have a partner that is taking steps to make things better... .

Hopefully you can focus on what you can do to make things better in the r/s.

Hopefully you can focus on self care as well... . !

Hang in there...

[stuckgirl]

i often wonder that too.sometimes i focus on the 'good things' about the relationship,and think perhaps it will turn out alright after all,but then my brain knocks on my skull and i realize very simple logic says that on of us,during any part of our lives,during any fight,during just talking to one another or waking up in the morning will realize that perhaps it was just too much to ask,almost yearn for how it might have been with another person,another everyday person who turned over in bed and just,seemed happy

here im really just speaking about my relationship,but i do understand that there is a big chance i will get up in the morning one day and realize that this relationship here has been a mistake of my life.

sorry,quite pessimistic today as well :-)

[formflier]

i often wonder that too.sometimes i focus on the 'good things' about the relationship,and think perhaps it will turn out alright after all,but then my brain knocks on my skull and i realize very simple logic says that on of us,during any part of our lives,during any fight,during just talking to one another or waking up in the morning will realize that perhaps it was just too much to ask,almost yearn for how it might have been with another person,another everyday person who turned over in bed and just,seemed happy

here im really just speaking about my relationship,but i do understand that there is a big chance i will get up in the morning one day and realize that this relationship here has been a mistake of my life.

sorry,quite pessimistic today as well :-)

Stuck,

Hang in there!  Part of what I like about this board is that you get to know people... in an odd way it can be a bit more intimate that an in person relationship because we are anonymous... . and therefore... . I think we can be more honest.  We can be more true to ourselves... .

So... . what follows is "my advice"... . and my story.  This is based on how I think and have organized my life... . which may or may not be good advice or a model for you to follow.  And no... . I'm not a lawyer (after that lawyerish disclaimer).  Recently retired Naval Aviator by trade... . trying to make sense of the world after the military and the world  of living with a wife that most likely has an undiagnosed personality disorder... . which is most likely BPD. 

The dilemma you are talking about is exactly why I think people should focus hard on making sound decisions... . thinking them through... . and thinking long and hard before making a vow to someone.   I used vow to set it well above a promise.

I've made two vows in my life.  Doubtful that I will make any more.

First one was when I raised my hand to become a Naval Officer.  I would follow lawful orders... . period... . end of story.  I also knew that put me on the path to one day be a guy issuing those orders... . and that those orders most likely would have life and death consequences.  That turned out to be true... . and I will most likely work through that for the rest of my life.  I'm now a public figure... I said very little on Memorial Day at the ceremony I put on.  I just hoped to honor those that I miss by being strong and making it through the day.

If given the choice... . I would make exactly the same one again.

Second vow was when I walked down a church isle and promised to love and cherish my wife for the rest of my life. 

If given the choice... . I would make exactly the same one again.

Once I figured out that my (future) wife was the one for me... . I thought about it for a good 6 months before asking.  We had a long engagement.  But when I walked down the isle... I was sure.

There have been many times I didn't "like" my wife very much and to be honest there have been many times I wanted to leave and had it not been for my vow... . I think I would have. 

That's why vows are important... . they matter... . and the have and will constrain my behavior for the rest of my life.

So... back to my advice to "Stuck"... . if you think about things and realize that you have been hasty in your life about making decisions... . or that you haven't thought things through.  Maybe it's time to do that.

Note:  That doesn't mean leave the r/s to think.  It just means to think things through... for a long time.

If you have thought things through and chosen your r/s carefully... . be confident in that... . remain confident in that.

I hope this helps... .